The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Gargoyles
12:58 Oct 16 2011
Times Read: 461

~Magickal Graphics~ Gargoyle Etymology & History Etymology "Gargoyle", the dictionary definition: a spout usually in the form of a grotesquely carved face or figure, projecting from a roof gutter. From the Old French "gargouille" and the Late Latin "gurgulio", both meaning throat. (from Chambers Concise dictionary) "Gargoyles (in the strict sense) are carvings on the outside of buildings designed to direct water from the roof away from the base of the walls... ...Some gargoyles are undecorated but many are zoomorphic or anthropomorphic - often very imaginative and/or grotesque. This has led to the term 'gargoyle' being applied more widely to any grotesque carving in medieval buildings." (from Bob Trubshaw, posting in BritArch archives, 23Feb1999) ~Magickal Graphics~ Over the last few years, gargoyles have become cartoon characters, a cult "animal" in Neo-Gothic circles, particularly popular in internet fantasy literature where they appear more naughty than truly evil, and even as a way of defining ones Gothic self ("I'm a gargoyle". "Oh really, I'm a vampire, but we could still go out together"). None of these have much to do with plumbing, but the meaning of words do change over the years, and "gargoyle" now seems to mean to many people to be any ugly or grotesque creature particularly if it lives on buildings or rocks. Possible Origins and Reasons for gargoyles When asking "why are there gargoyles and what are they for", in my experience most people seem to mean the Medieval ones. So, this is what a distingushed Frenchman Emile Male and most critics after him said: ~Magickal Graphics~ ~Magickal Graphics~ No symbolism can explain the monstrous fauna of the cathedrals... If ever works are exempt of meaning surely these are... All attempts at explanation must be foredoomed to failure. E. Male, _L'art religieux du XIIIe siecle en France_ 8e edition p. 121, 124 So, studiously ignoring those words of wisdom, here are some possible explanations I've come across: rainwater plumbing (this is certain but does not explain why so many are carved creatures, nor the various forms) warding off evil - a "kiss my ass" keep away deterrent to demons warding off evil - a "don't bother, we're here already doing demonic stuff" deterrent to demons a reminder to parishioners of the perils of evil - bad guys are marginalised to the outside of the church (but why so high up and hard to see?) as pagan symbols to encourage believers in pre-Christian ways to come to church (make them feel welcomed or at home, as it were) decoration (but why so ugly? why so hard to see) a juxtaposition or balance of ugliness against the beauty inside the building (a very medieval concept which we find hard to understand these days) insurance policy against building collapse, related to warding off evil (this one's obscure and I think it says more out modern interpretation of the medieval mind than architectural principles) For some of the more interesting ones (mooning or nose picking or caricatures), they may possibly be: symbolic object lessons on the perils of unconventionality carved out of mischief (e.g. there are defecating gargoyles, these are generally difficult to see, being high up or in obscure parts of the building) as retribution for not paying the stone carver (see Freiburg defecator) fun (who knows what the medieval sense of humour was? see also a modern nose picker from Ely Cathedral caricatures of people maybe local clergy, which may be mischief or fun or possibly honour. Here are some modern ones: imploring man and man wearing glasses, both at Ely. ~Magickal Graphics~ Architectural History Gargoyles in the strict plumbing sense of the word (see Etymology) have been around since the time of the Ancient Greeks or before. They became very popular on architecture in Medieval times, with a resurgence in the Victorian era, and to some extent more recently. Other periods have none or few carved ones. Saxon churches (a little before Medieval times) that I've seen usually have troughs but whether these are original or later additions is hard to say. Large buildings of the Elizabethan period (a little after Medieval times) did use channels or troughs but I've never seen or heard of carved ones. ~Magickal Graphics~ Their first usage in the last thousand years or more seems to have been in the early 1200's as channels or tubes to shed rainwater from buildings, to keep the rainwater off the buildings themselves and away from the foundations. Strong evidence for this purely plumbing interpretation is that initially most were made of wood, some made of the more expensive stone, and were generally undecorated. ~Magickal Graphics~ As time progressed, more stone ones appeared as did lining some with lead and decoration in the form of carvings of people or animals or grotesque representations of these (grotesque in the sense of being extravagantly formed, bizarre, ludicrous, absurd, fantastic and also in the sense of being ugly and frightening). Often these carvings are so imaginative as to bear little or no resemblance to any conventional creature and are the products of fertile imaginations and skilled hands. They are common on the more expensive buildings from medieval times, particularly cathedrals and churches, and particularly France, and particularly the Gothic style. A few plain ones survive on non-religious buildings like the odd castle but rarely compared with relligious buildings. Presumably, as today, the average wage did not run as far as paying for ornate stone guttering for your own humble dwelling. It seems that this increasingly ornate carving extended to non-functional architectural features resembling them, so that "gargoyles" appear on the sides of towers and walls, and to stretch the term even further, inside the buildings (though these are more correctly called "grotesques" and "chimeras", of which gargoyles are only one kind). ~Magickal Graphics~ Religious History During the 1200's when gargoyles first appeared (and at many other times), the Roman Catholic Church was actively involved in converting people of other faiths to the Catholic, often very keenly indeed (as the Christian but non-Catholic Cathars could testify). The argument for decorated gargoyles runs as follows. Since literacy was generally not an option for most people, images were very important. Since the religious images (if any) that non-Christians were accustomed to were of animals or mixtures of animals and humans (e.g. the horned god, the Green Man), then putting similar images on churches and cathedrals would encourage non-Catholics to join the religion and go to church, or at least make them feel more comfortable about it, or at least ease the transition. ~Magickal Graphics~ This argument has reasonable grounds if you think about some of the other accomodations the Christian (not just Catholic) church has made, such as fixing the birth of Christ at around the winter solstice to fit in with existing pagan celebrations. Even the Romans made similar adaptations, e.g. in Britain the Celtic goddess Suli worshipped at modern day Bath bore a remarkable resemblance to the Roman goddess Minerva. Rather than replace Suli and upset the locals, both were incorporated into and revered in the Roman baths there. It's amazing how flexible an established church can be if it needs to be - pagan images? no problem if it puts bums on seats. Mythical and Spiritual Connections Facts: Religion and superstition (not entirely incompatible) were both very important indeed to people of medieval times, much more so than to most "westerners" today. People looked to God or gods and other supernatural beings for answers to fundamental questions and for help and especially protection. Suppositions & Logical steps: What could be better protection for your place of worship than to put images of supernatural beings on it, although ones on your side naturally. Images of God or the Holy Spirit, perhaps, but these were frowned upon and anyway who knew what God really looked like?. Images of Christ might be better, but then Christ was also a man and he was already inside the house of God. Images of the old gods might work, but of course that would be heresy. It's a small logical step to the use of gargoyles as protectors and the myths about their abilities. The Gargoyle Myth and how gargoyles drive off evil: I've put comments in brackets(). They can stand guard and ward off unwanted spirits and other creatures. If they're hideous and frightening they can scare off all sorts of things. They come alive at night when everyone's asleep (and you can't see them to prove that they don't) so they can protect you when you're vulnerable. Better still, the ones with wings can fly round the whole area and cover the village or town as well as the church. (And if someone does see something, who's to say whether it was just a bat or one of the gargoyles on the wing?) They return to their places when the sun comes up (and no-one can prove that they weren't out and about, and no-one respectable who rises and sets with the sun is going to be mistaken by them for an enemy and be dealt with). If you want to see an example of the kind of gargoyle that fits the myth, look at the ones on Woburn church. A comment on the tame ones: This doesn't really explain the rather tame looking ones. These could possibly be explained by the architectural trend towards more ornamentation and decoration. I think many of the slightly grotesque ones can be explained by the myth if you note that some concepts were simpler for most people in medieval times, for example, pulling your lips wide apart in a grimace using your hands and trying to look scary ("gurning") was a terrific joke. Presumably it was also more scary than now, given that any kind of deformity could be worryingly reminiscent of deformity from incurable diseases or unexplained acts of God or devil, both things to be feared. Some of them have just got to be jokes though. Other possibilities - a warning to the populace: An appealing idea for explaining medieval gargoyles, is as a reminder or warning to the populace of the evil all around outside and the safe sanctuary inside the church. Evil takes many forms, from women carrying the devil on their backs (very symbolic, very unenlightened and non-PC) to bug eyed human faces twisted into monstrocities, to demons, dangerous beasts, hideous human horrors, and hairy men who have descended terribly into the brutal and frightening level of the beast. Better the beauty and serenity inside, come on in and forget the trials of the world outside for a while and pray for your soul and your salvation from the horrors shown outside. Of course it could be as much a case of the gargoyles saying (metaphorically) "Hey you Jimmy! Yes you! Who do you think I mean? Watch yer step, laddie, we've got our eye on you. One step out of line and you've had it, you're meat, with our teeth in it." Other possibilities - insurance policy against building collapse: This bizarre proposed explanation is really protection against evil. Here's a snippet from the soc.history.medieval newsgroup postings from 1997, quoting a book "Structures (or why things don't fall down)", Author: J.E.Gordon. ---Quote--- My copy is an old pelican edition in paperback published in 1978 & has no ISBN on what's left of it. I thorougly recommend this book as a minimal maths exploration of architecture which is full of fascinating anecdotes. As for the gargoyles, apparently the builders believed that they scared away the demons who would otherwide push the walls down. If they built one without gargoyles it fell over. There you are! It actually is all to do with how the forces act within the structure, & keeping the direction of the thrust within the wall by loading the top. ---UnQuote---

Art History Lesson 1
11:39 Oct 12 2011
Times Read: 473

Wednesday, 12 October 2011



Art History Lesson 1.



Keyword: Iconography.

The Study of the Image.

Iconography means the symbolism of the picture that you are seeing. The very picture or painting or drawing that you are seeing and you have to describe the meaning of it, try to create a story from it. Although it can be far from what is really behind the picture, and what it represents. Yet it is hard to say what it behind the picture, unless you try and have a deep research of its own history, by knowing the Artist, where did he painted it or drew it and trying to make a story out of it. It can be a total headache but it can be interesting. You can’t forget that it is important to be very convincing when you are writing a document on a portrait/painting/picture/drawing. Cause there can be those who will criticize heavily and break everything you had created.

This subject only contains in Visual Arts. Especially with reference to conventions regarding the treatment of the subject in artistic representation. The study or analyses of the subject matters and its meaning of visual arts: Iconology.



Iconographer: Erwin Panofsky.

E.Panofsky was born in 1892, at Hanover, in Germany and he passed away in 1968, Princeton, New Jersey.



He was known as Warburg Institute and Institute for Advanced Study art historian; major exponent of Iconography to American scholars. Panofsky was son of Arnold Panofsky (died 1914) and Caecilie Solling (Panofsky), wealthy Jews whose fortune came from Silesian mining. He grew up in Berlin, receiving his Abitur in 1910at the Joachimsthalsche Gymnasium. He spent four years (1910-14) studying philosophy, philology and art history in Jura, Berlin, where he heard of the lectures of the art historian Margarete Bieber, who was filling in for Georg Loeschcke jn Munich. While taking courses at Freiburg Universitat, a slightly older student, Kurt Badt, took Panofsky to hear a lecture by the founder of the art history department Wilhelm Voge. Panofsky was at once enamoured and wrote his dissertation under Voge in 1914. His very topic was Durer’s Artistic theory, and its called : Durers Kunsttheorie: Vornehmlich in ihrem Verhaltnis zur Kunsttheorie der Italiener. (Durers art theory: Especially in their relationship to the art theory of the Italians.)

What could happen in the streets during night time? And the day?
20:21 Oct 09 2011
Times Read: 483






During the day today is already a bit of confusing, with lots of people around and we all think its very safe, but accidents can happen, murder can as well or hold ups in banks, shops especially jewel shops and museums. Or during the car companies, terrorism, mafia, anything in the day but people all say that the night is to be afraid of. Cause anything could happen, but for my point of view the most danger time is in the day



Cause it’s very unexpected. We all are full of thoughts and to do this and that, but not really aware of what the danger and things that can happen, like accidents and etc…

Life is not that safe as we all think. Runaway kids, and drug dealers, rapes a lot of rapes in Malta specially, hold ups and vandalism, vindictive things, murders, and we get to know this only by news, on papers, television or radio. Ambulances and forensics around the places and police.



During the night we all can know what can happen but the most real danger of all when it comes on time where is unexpected The DAY.

From Creed, his intelligence is amazing wow
21:49 Oct 05 2011
Times Read: 505






Alchemy Is a Craft



(from "The Alchemy of Craft" in A Way of Working by D.M. Dooling)



The gold of alchemy was simply hastened perfection, inner and outer, the divinization of matter and man. This idea is certainly not strange to any craftsman. "When a man undertakes to create something," wrote Paracelsus, "he establishes a new heaven, as it were, and from it the work that he desires to create flows into him." In order that it may be expressed, that it may resound, the Word must be made flesh; immortality must be incarnated outwardly in gold and inwardly in the development of a subtle body within this ordinary body: the "glorious body" or "diamond body" of oriental tradition, the "spiritual body " of the Christian.







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This "becoming" is what alchemy is about. Its process can also be expressed by the traditional formulas of initiation: the suffering, death, and resurrection of the god or the neophyte, represented by the substances in the crucible or by the material of the craftsman -- the symbolic formula of transformation. Whether raw material, base metal, divine or human spirit, there must be the suffering of purification and separation. The patience that is the quality more vital to the craftsman is, in the final analysis, no other than this suffering, as it applies to the process of creation operating in and upon the artisan himself (Latin patiens from pati, to suffer).





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And as the alchemical substance is "punished," so is the craftsman's material: clay is pounded; flax beaten; wool teased, carded, and twisted; metal softened and struck. The substance, whether material or human, must change its character, be torn into separate elements in order to be reformed into something other -- it must "die" in order to be reborn.



And here we come to the central tenet of alchemy: its chief absurdity, proof (some would say) that in its operational sense at least it was all superstition and quackery; the idea that matter is alive. Yet, strangely enough, this is something that all craftsmen know to be true. They know that their material has a life of its own, a history, a character, needs, and possibilities unlike any other. They know that they must feel and understand this life so that a relationship can appear between it and their own. They accept a pattern for their work that is not theirs, that comes to them, as it were, from Above; but their work is not merely to obey and to imitate, not even only to "speed the process of nature," but to bring something peculiarly their own, some element of themselves, to unite with that other living entity, the material between their hands. Otherwise the relation does not exist; the material is indeed dead, and they themselves no more than copyists. The gold of the alchemists was not the same as natural gold; it was "living" god. The craftsman added something even to the noblest of metals by his active relation with it.





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The craftsman, as well as the alchemist, knows that his central task is the creation of himself; and it is above all for this aim that he strives with endless patience -- as it is said in the Emerald Tablet of Trismegistus, separating "the subtle from the gross, softly and with great care" to make what his hands touch turn to gold.





Alchemy Is a Science



(from Alchemy by Franz Hartmann)



Alchemy is a Science of Soul that results from an understanding of God, Nature, and Man. A perfect knowledge of any of one them cannot be obtained without the knowledge of the other two, for these three are one and inseparable. Alchemy is not merely an intellectual but a spiritual science, because that which belongs to the spirit can only be spiritually known. Nevertheless, it is also a science dealing with material things, for spirit and matter are only two opposite manifestations or poles of the eternal One.





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Alchemy in its more material aspect teaches how minerals, metals, plants, animals, and men may be generated or made to grow from their "seeds." In other words, how that generation, which is accomplished during long periods of time in the due course of the action of evolution and natural law, may be accomplished in a comparatively short time, if these natural laws are guided and supplied with the proper material by the spiritual knowledge of man. There is no doubt that gold can be made to grow by alchemical means, though it requires an alchemist to make the experiment succeed, and he who is attracted by the material power of gold will not obtain possession of the spiritual power necessary to practice the art.





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It is therefore a grave mistake to confuse alchemy with chemistry. Modern chemistry is an artificial science that deals only with the external forms in which the elements of matter are manifesting themselves. It never produces anything truly new to creation; it can only recombine atoms and molecules into different substances. We may mix and compound and decompose chemical bodies an unlimited number of times and cause them to appear in various different forms, but at the end, we will have no augmentation of the underlying substances nor anything more than the recombinations of the substances that have been employed at the beginning. Alchemy does not mix or compound anything; it causes that which already pre-exists in a latent state to become active and grow. Alchemy is, therefore, more comparable to biology than to chemistry; and, in fact, the growth of a plant, a tree, or an animal or the evolution of whole species are alchemical processes going on in the laboratory of nature, and performed by the Great Alchemist -- the power of the divine Mind acting in nature.





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Alchemy Is an Art



(from Alchemy by Franz Hartmann)



Alchemy is also an art, and as every art requires an artist to exercise it, likewise this divine science and art can be practiced only by those who are in possession of the divine power necessary for that purpose. It is true that the external manipulations required for the production of certain alchemical preparations may, like an ordinary chemical process, be taught to anybody capable of reasoning. However, the results that such a person would accomplish would be without life, for only he in whom the true life has awakened can awaken it from its sleep in matter and cause visible forms to grow from the primordial Chaos of nature.







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Alchemy in its highest aspect deals with the spiritual regeneration of man and teaches how a god may be made out of a human being or, to express it more correctly, how to establish the conditions necessary for the development of divine powers in man, so that a human being may became a god by the power of God in the same sense that a seed becomes a plant by the aid of the Four Elements and the action of the invisible Fifth Element (the Quintessence or Life Force).

The Gothic cathedrals
09:51 Oct 04 2011
Times Read: 511

Am inlove with gothic cathedrals cause they are special and have different architectural. With pointed areas and also many stained glasses, cold and old fashioned. I have a great fetish for old and antiquities, of buildings, stuff, and also furniture.

Gothic cathedrals are a total beauty with mystery, still Holy but there is nothing wrong in it. Its bigger then normal ones and also they have protectors against eveything and everyone evil.

Gargoyles are mythtical creatures and it is said by narrowminded people that they are evil, and others that they dont exist. ok fine!! how can you say they dont exist, when even if they are made of stone if you put them on your well you will never have problems of having water in home?

How can they do not exist when if you go to the cathedral evil spirits are banned from it, and are scared to try? Not only God or jesus power that bans them but also the power of the creatures. they are dark but not evil.



In cathedral there are also great and fascinating stone work. sculptures and all.



I am so inlove with these gothic cathedrals that I can never stop looking at them and taking them photos. the prob is my cam is highes quality and dont have small pixels to make them online. hahahaha



Cathedrals of England and Wales and same of the later ones with earlier origins. Also some Scottish cathedrals too.

From Someone I know that have been through this. Sevendeadlysinner
05:58 Oct 04 2011
Times Read: 514

All i feel is anger in me. There is nothing left in me. I lost my soulmate long time ago, lost my brother this month, family relatives? I don’t even know them anymore. The only family I now are my two covens, Shadowed Angels and Lotus. I lost myself, I feel empty, there is no reason for me to live anymore. No hope, just empty dreams, dreams that I though I can pursue with my brother by my side, but he is gone. For me there is nothing to loose anymore. I don’t care the rest of the world. It can break apart, explode. My brother , my other half, he was the good, the positive, light.



When I was born I was seen as the evil, cursed child. Mother never really wanted children, neither getting married to begin with, since she was gay and those times was not accepted such thing, so she was forced to be with a man and marry him, then having a child was too much to handle for her. Kept me till i was 16 then asked to have separation, from him, and also get back her maiden name. Since she noticed she cant have money from me she decided to kick me out.

I was still a kid and yet being abused emotionally, mentally and quite heavily, too, physically, and sexually in more over the years at school everyday by classmates all males behind it? Was a mastermind of a girl who hated me and wanted to filth me and ruin my image, life, youth, loosing innocense, becoming insane, and yet I couldn’t know the reason why this is happening. I couldn’t even dare to tell father, cause where we lived was a place, a village where strangers are not easily accepted. To father reputation, face, respect was all. He managed to get in the council, thanks to his job too as in a short amount of time everyone knew he worked in a bank in a high position like manager. A common manager, but was enough to get him there. I was afraid if i tell him what was i going through he have to loose the position he got in the council with shame. 11 kids’s word more to add 2 teacher of both sexes female and male abused me sexually and their word too against me alone, with no proof cause they were cunning enough not to leave any clue on me nor around, would definietly make my father loose face.

So I kept it all inside. Nothing more nothing less. Always afraid to go to school, afraid to go outside, only my brother knew about this and he protected me by keeping it to himself. He simply styed by my side taking all the bullying on himself with me, but never ran away. He stayed with me all the time, and whhhen i was crying and screaming at night with nightmares non stop there was only him to keep me calm. I had lost faith in god long time ago, and i wont ever gain it back. God was never there when i needed most, i had to go through alot of shit and yet was never there. I felt nothing but disapprovement from churches and people who worked for the church too. Beaten up by a nun when i was 4 to 7 and then by teachers and classmates, retorts of being weak and retarded and unwanted child from home by parents and always me to blame.

Oneday i ran as much as i could for my life one last time and into the woods i ran, not knowing the directions where i was going, in other words i was running off blindly without anycare. I found a small chapel half buried into the grounds. The windows were broken but i didnt dare to go in. Yet i found a backdoor, that was half buried and slowly i had to go in like a damn slug. It was old, dirty full of dust and spiderwebs, for all I could remember and the altar was all reddish brown dried colour and underneath black wood and the smell was horrible. Like a decayed blood of animal or something. There were bones shattered around and skulls and shrunken heads hung around. A monster like depicted with a pentacle upside down with red blood colour on the wall. Even a total idiot would guess there the fuck i was by then, i was curious but yet scared to death. I felt an extreme heavy atmosphere in there but i said wherever i am as long as i am safe i didnt care anymore. I heard footsteps and faint voices of classmates were quite near and i went more deep inside , and the path was fucking pitch black that the only thing to guide me was myself crawling on my knees and palms walking slowly and carefully not to hit anything that makes noise and screw myself into more deadly trap then i was already in. It was cold yet i was sweating with fear and adrenaline in me i am sure i was shaking and yet disgracefully peeing in my underwear and that moment was even more scared cause of the smell that my lead them to me. So i fastened the way i was going till my ¾ of my body felt nothing underneath me, but emptiness, lost balance and I fell. Sure I lost senses cause when i cam back to my senses there was no noise at all. Just a small water tickling from a pipe, and a real terrible pain coming from 3 places from my body. My head and neck were in deep excruixating pain and my arm and 2 fingers couldnt even move them, and my left leg was all bloody with a bad cut that i am sure it needed stitches. I felt something sticky down my face and was covering my right eye, could not open it well. And again i was feeling hot with pain and cold with the temperature. Guess i was going to die or having a fever i could not know. There was a bit of light in the room not much of it it came a bit from the whole and hitting on a head of something big and white. That thing seemed to move or not i couldnt say. I was having fever, or hallunication i couldnt say either but for sure i felt warmth coming from it. Not human or animal warmth, but something outside of the normal. I never believed in magic, or this or that. But something was weird, total sinister about that thing that was all white and yet coming warmth from it. Cause it was hard rock and i fell hitting on the stall of it.

More light like came on it showing more of it. All I could see this time was a batlike pair of large wings and a face of a beautiful man in a white stone. That face of a man was like sorry yet smiling face. Looking downwards. I know of course it can’t be looking at me, its made of stone for fuck sake so it was obviously cant do such thing as moving and looking at me, but I felt there is kind of connection. A strong one between me and that sculpture. It was like fate. I tried to move towards it, but the more I moved the more tears it came out and more pain I felt. Guess i was done for this time. No one goes into the woods cause people are afraid. It is said its a cursed placed, where Faeries and evil spirits stays. Whoever goes in it, it will come out alive only if they are possessed by one of them. But children never came out alive there. 2 kids died there once. Both were butchered, and used as a sacrifice and police found them dismembered and torn apart in small bags. Families were devastated of course. From that event, nobody went through the woods. I broke the most important rule. I went through the woods. I couldnt care where I was going, of course, was running for my life that moment, and the only place i hid myself was a place that was very much strictly forbidden. And really carelessly I had put myself in more and terribly dangerous situation then before but i was sick and tired being beaten up by stones, being whipped, stripped and touched by those filthy hands.

I am well known as well for putting myself in danger more than i am already was by running off and being careless, cause never cared to use the brain and plan a place and way how to save my ass.

That was my fate to be doomed into the darkness. Into the church I went and into and to me it was like a plan, but was the inpredictable me setting myself my own fate or else I should say I simply followed my own fate.

Anyways as i was saying as I moved closer to the statue with my hand i felt something more colder yet more smooth with somthing engraved in it. I was using my good arm and my two fingers trying to follow what is written or depicted on it . L U C I F E R was written on it. I looked up in the face of that cold white statue of the man with batlike wings and again I never saw such beautiful face in my entire life. In the school of church where I was FORCED to go Lucifer was depicted as a face of goat and terrible things were said about him. But all I could see here was the most beautiful being. And then I was feeling more warm and comfortable, yet the pain was still there, but comfortable. I simply couldnt keep my eyes open no more and once I closed them I saw nothing, nothing else but was in a beautiful dream . I was in the arms of this person, this angel, with batlike wings, being carried in the orange red to blue sky towards the sunrise, of a horizon ............... from there i saw nothing more. Just a pleasent warmth I felt and sense of freedom, and no more pain.

Opened my eyes or I shall say my left eye cause my right eye was covered with what I don’t know, couldn’t hear well either, was like muffled voices. My view was like confused and foggy, and couldnt move, but no pain. But I am sure I was in bed, and in hospital cause i managed to recognize the anesthethic smell. I simply closed my eyes and again i dozed off.

A month i spent in that bloody hospital but i was never feeling alone. I felt his presence all the time, and i in peace, happy. My brother came to see me 2 times a day. Always maing me company. He did his best to cheer me up. Yet he was feeling weird, he told me. Like there was a myterious presence and yet couldnt know where the heck it came from. Its the only thing i hid from him. I was afraid of telling him, since i knew he still had faith in god and still go to church. I was afraid to tell him, not cause he might not love me, but cause he could have disapprove of having such an entity near me. I didnt want the dark yet so beautiful (speaking not just physical way but also the light and comfort and felt beauty coming from his spirit, no matter what sin he had committed to be a fallen angel) to go away.

When i was discharged i was a bit sad cause i thought i could never feel the presence again. But ince i healed properly after school, i did my my very best to go to that church all the time i could and visit that statue. First was enough just staying there staring at it, then slowly I started to speak with it like i was speaking with a real person. Crazy. You will say i have lost it. Lost my sanity completey. But I didn’t care. Oneday i was followed by someone, lets say stalked by someone. Someone unexpected. That was Orpheus my brother. He looked at me in disbelieve, and yet with a smile and patted my head, telling me first I lost faith in god and now this. “Guess life was too harsh on you enough to loose faith, and turn to someone who could give you more comfort. Well you have your reasons to do that and i am not in the position to judge you my dear sister. Whatever path you take i will come with you.” From there I always stayed firmly loyal only to Lucifer. No sacrifices or spells and any kind just being Loyal to him was enough.

From that day we became closer as we were before. Years passed and in my life was never really good. I suffered with disclecsia and at school I suffered during the lessons yet i never lost my courage to ask or find teachers who were willing to assist me. I tried my best. I found teachers who didnt really gave a damn fuck about me or people with same difficulty like me or worst. I am not the smartest kid on earth nor a geek, but when there is a subject i really take interest nothing stops me. Like art, drama, music, and languages. Maths? Physics? Yuck men I hated them soooooooooo much and as for for Physical Education? I still had bruises that were very very hard to be gone so i made sure i never participated with same lame excuse of anemia. By certain age i knew something was wrong about me. I never felt comfortable with girls. I hated their company and yet changing with them, was extremely disturbing. Its like male in a girls place. I told my brother about this. I avoided them all the time. The only female friends i had was my neighbour and her sister the rest was meant nothing to me. I never played with dolls this or that, never really liked wearing skirts. I was always with shorts in summer and winter trousers or tracksuit. Winter always saved me with great excuses. Of cold weather haha.

Then at age of 14 I realised what kind of person i was, by reading a book of mismatched soul with the body. My soul was male, my body was female. Was one of the reasons why i hated so much this body, apart from being raped every bloody day when i was a child in school and after school i still consider myself virgin. For one FUCKING GOOD REASON. Cause since it wasnt consent by me, i can call myself virgin. I have to be totally consential to share my body, heart and soul and mind to be one with that person who ever that may be. My doctor, psychologist, Dr Martinelli and my Psychiatrist told me so and I will keep on that. I dont call and see myself strong no good and pure person, cause deep in the heart i feel hatred, and anger for this humanity with no respect, no moral, and the rest. Am no racist, nor into political state, and i hate catholic religion with all my heart, body and soul. In the evening i always ran outside the streets, with chain, and a small knife, and a bat, knuckle buckle, i was a thug too. I stole things, beated others to death with all anger and hatred i got just to loose my frustration and stress, drugs like marjuana and ecstasy, alcohol more further up when i was 19 (coming on that part) , smacked bitches and broke their noses if they just bothered me r provoked me with their stuck up arrogant attitudes way of speaking to me. Tortured them, killed two people and got away with it cause it was self defence still not to brag about. All my innocence of my soul i threw it out of the window of my life and drowned it into pitts of hell. From There i got my Nickname SevendeadlySinner. Was in trouble always with the cops/ police and parents cause of my so attitude and guys who dares to come near me and touch me i roke their fingers and legs using the bat with all the strength i got. There where times where i was the one who was beaten to death as well. Thrown out of the house numerous times and yet didnt change. My aunt (mum’s sister took me in) I changed on my own. Cause she treated me well, differently and only people she and her family, (husband and sons) apart my brother who saw the good in me and knew my attitude was like this due to lack of love and affection from mother and father and nasty experiences. Once i was forced back by father at home i became to good to worst again but this time more aggressive. At the age of 16 mother asked for separation from father. I was in more wreck, and i was already working as a waitress, in a damned hotel. I stopped drugs and marjuana ok but smoked more cigarettes more than usual and started alcohol bit by bit. Father ignored mother requests at first and thought she was having heats of the moment but them mother became hysterical and worst. More worst than ever. Refused to cook, clean, and all the house chores. Closed herslef in her bedroom and never came out if not to buy cigarettes and watch tv or staying in the kitchen downstairs while father at nights getting drunk on whiskeys and me or work as much as i can, or locked out in a bookshop spending my money on books or on holidays and saving my other part of money to buy a pc or to my brother’s house and running around in the village using shortcuts which were forbidden to get into a damn diner to fill my stomach since mother refused to feed me or to my friend’s house which were poorer than us but did their best to live happy and healthy and they made and my brother part of the family. At the age of 18 we both had quitted our jobs to go to me Rome and he back to Ireland, he whored himself out with girls and guys and me deep into alcohol and still fucked so many girls yet never got myself naked nor let them touch me. Kissed me yes on lips, and face but rest is not allowed. Dont ask me how i managed but me having set principles infront of me and managed not to break them was hard yet i made it. Using stuff by screwing them, had alcohol 24/7, except when i was working i was sober then. Didnt want to loose my job. Became homeless cause although i had a job was good enough to have food but not good enough to have a damn fuckin roof on my head. So ended up sleeping at a prostitutes bording house. Had to use service back door to come in and out at most uncomfortable time (hours or minutes) and spent nights outside walking alone outside with bottle of wine or tequila or vodka in my hand and swaying and not knowing where i was going till i got used to the routes. And now i am here. None of them where to brag about but I have no regrets. I still might like guys but the man is a real MUST to be the same CALIBRE and have same POTENTIAL as me or else bye bye fuck off and dont look at me. I am like that.

This is my story. But None of this I regret for what I have done.