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It's not often that I break down, and let the lighter side of me show. It's not often that I stop being so brash, but now is one of those time.



Not everyone gets to see this sideof me that I am about to show in this blog.



I have been a professional wrestler for six and a half years now. Ive seen guys come and go in this bussiness. I have worked my ass off, paid some dues, taken some bumps, and had some hell of a good times. It's had its bad moments as well. But the worst moments that I have had that involve this great bussiness have nothing to do with me having a bad match or not getting paid or anything like that. The worst times to me in this bussiness is when one of your own passes.



Now I can handle death pretty well. To a point. Some can pass on and its like well that sad and he'll be missed and I think of a few of that person matches. But then there are those times when it hits me, cause that worker ment something to me. They inspired me, or what they did helped me be what I am. By watching them or what have you.



And that's what tis is all about right here. All these words are just my tears and emotions from the death of Chris Benoit and his wife Nancy and their son Daniel.



I suppose I'll start with his wife and child. It is sad to see a child die and a shame that he wont get to grow up and live his life and be whatever he wanted to be.



I grew up watching Nancy on all kinds of wrestling programs as Woman. I always liked what she did. She had a certain class about her. She wasn't just their for T and A. She had a purpose. She would get involved. I always liked that. That's important to this business. You don't see that alot anymore. I only wish that my wife can do half of what she did. It would make me proud. And I'm sure it would make Nancy proud as well...But the thing I'll probablly remember most about Woman is when she was managing Ric Flair or the Horsemen and Ric's qoute every time he mentiond her. Woman oh Woman wont ya marry me now.



This is now the part where I'm gonna talk about Chris Benoit. I couldn't give you an exact date of when I first saw Chris wrestle. I know it was probably around 95-96 or so. Around the time he had just got to WCW. I used to watch him and Eddie Guerrero, and Dean Malenko and think when I become a wrestler I want to be like them. Me and my buddies called them the rubber men, cause of all the things the would do. I had seen very litte wrestling like that besides the Japanesse stuff I watched.



But i loved to watch him wrestle, even to this day. I always knew he would have a good match and that I could learn something form what he did. Just by watching it. I have been inspired by Chris Benoit. Even though I never met him or talked to him or anything like that. he has touched me. Just by watching his work. I have a very simular style. I use the diving head butt, I'm a little shit who is aggressave. I'm sure that there are some more.



But it urts me inside and out to know that someone that was that good is gone. Knowing I'll never get to see another Benoit match. Or even to get a chance to meet him. It hurts. It makes me cry cause somethng good is gone. I don't cry alot but it's times like these that I do.



And these past few years have been real bad with wrestlers dieing. And alot of them being guys I really enjoyed and got inspirtaion from. It's rough. And I'm kinda getting tired of crying. That's why the title of the blog is what it is. Cause I don't wanna cry no more. I don't want to hear another 10 bell salute. But I will. I go on. The show goes on. But we do for them for the ones that we have lost. to keep them alive in our memories and in our hearts.



I am often quoted as saying There's no such thing as heros anymore. And for me that is comming true, cause most of mine are fadding. They are going out. But I do have heros and even though they might be gone and can still remember them and what they did for me. How they made me become what I am. I can use what I picked up from them to give a crowd a good show to inspire some kid out there that wants to get in this bussiness. Chris Benoit played a part in that for me. and maybe I can do that for someone else.



To end I will say this I will miss Chris Benoit. I will miss his matches. It was his time to go home. But most of all I say THANK YOU CHRIS BENIOT.... FUCKING THANK YOU

As time passes I sit here craving, craving what makes life flow. A thing I have not had in sometime. But I crave more than a sip or a taste. I want an over flowing cup full...I sit here in the dark basement of my dwelling and wish that i could have what I desire. A victim to come my way. Some prey or an old familiar face. Any would do at the moment. For I long for something that is hard to obtain yet easy to get but its all out of reach. I thirst. I sigh and sit and wonder and dream of the taste and smell the color. If only I had some...My desire needs to be filled. But how?...I ask how. For I want not my own but others. For blood is calling me and I can not get to it...What shall I do?

A man, a shell, a fragment. Lost in all that I am. Lost in a time of long ago and far away. Trapped in a cell. One I do not like. One of sadness and sorrow of feeling down. A cage full of thoughts of the trapped state I am in. Of being so dull and lacking an edge. I am captured and need to escape. i need to break free. I need to be whole. I need a release. i need to dance and sing. I need fresh air. I need a breath of life. I need a drink from a spring of happiness. I need to feel not so down. i need a boost. I need me. I need love and passion. i want a burring fire that is going out. I need a light, a beacon to guide me from this torment that is trapped in side my head. keeping me from escaping this cell of despair. I want to be wild and untammed. i want to feel as if I am running through a medow. Up hills and acroos rivers. On top of trees. I want to fly. Fly away. Get out of a rut and have a smile on my face that isnt there, cause it has to be, but because it wants to be. I wnat to be alive. I need to find my spirit, my soul, my body. I need rejuvination. I need alot and don't. Know where to find it. I need some time for me to be me on my own time, with no worries or fears. I need a break, a vaction. I want to see the world from the tallest mountain and know that it is mine to have. I want what I have lost.