Letter to the Past20:10 Sep 29 2006
Times Read: 995
Tommy,
I am writing this letter to get everything out. I am tired of holding it in and bottling it up. That only gives you power. I am taking all that power back. You hurt me in so many ways. It wouldn’t have hurt so badly if you broke up with me first before cheating on me and not even telling me about it. I guess you weren’t man enough to tell me yourself, that Britany had to do it for you, right? I am still lost of everything. You say that I was a mistake and you regret ever being with me. Yeah, just look back at every conversation we have had and every moment that we shared together. You cannot even begin to say that it was ALL a lie. You cannot say that at least one point in time, you did not love me. If you do, than you are lying to yourself.
This whole time Brett has been trying to get me to open up about you. And until last night, I didn’t really understand why. I know why now. It is so I can regain my power back. So I can banish you from my mind. You don’t even belong in the back of my mind, especially after insulting my dead father. God that was such a low fuckin blow, it is unbelievable! But you do still bring out something in me; you bring out rage and anger in me. The only thing I did was love you and treated me like shit when you left here. Your time will come when someone plays you back though. I know it which is why you should fear the cosmos in probably what will be your next life.
I don’t even know where really to begin in this whole mess of thoughts. I guess I will start by admitting the worse by saying that in some weird fuckin way I still love you. But see the thing is that doesn’t give you power in my life anymore. Nothing gives you power in it except for me bottling it up and not releasing or dealing with it. Well guess what Tommy boy, I am actually confronting and dealing with something for once!
You act like nothing ever happened between us, well sorry to burst your little security bubble but it did. Deal with it now because I am not ever going to be there to pick you up again, I already decided that much. And I am sure that whoever the new person is that you date, that they will not want to put up with you bottling shit up and then breaking down one day because of a ghost of an old girlfriend. But that is your problem, now isn’t it? I am done ever trying to help you again because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it to begin with. You could probably still change but I doubt that you ever will. You will just keep on becoming like your father and that is your choice since you aren’t trying to stop it. I used to believe in you. God, I thought you did change from your past but you didn’t and it was my ignorance that got me hurt, I guess. Wait, no I correct that! My pain is not my fault and the blame won’t go on me. Yes, I did get involved with you knowing most of your past but I did not control your actions. I did not put the knife through my heart and I did not kill a part of me, you did! I will pass the blame there and I do so rightfully!
I know some of my fears from everything revolving around you. I am scared to discover that everything was a lie or that it was true.
I am scared to find out everything was a lie because it will just hurt worse. But I will be able to just use it as an excuse when I want to hide it in my mind. Well I know it wasn’t a lie, not from my end at least. I did love you and still do in some ways. Which means I did not waste my time with you, I did not leave myself get hurt for nothing, and it means that I need to just believe my gut when it says it wasn’t all a lie.
I am just as scared to find out it was all true because you broke my trust, my heart, the promises you made to me, and everything else. You hurt me worse than anyone ever has and hopefully more than anyone ever will because I don’t think I could handle pain worse than this, especially since I don’t know how to get rid of it. But the pain I will deal with and I have been, it is just you that I want rid of, not the memories of us or anything else, just you. I like the memories, they prove it was all real in some aspect and they leave me remember the person I did fall in love with, not the one who he changed into in what seemed like overnight.
How the fuck could you? You were here only five days before and you forgot all about me! What the fuck!? I guess you lied, every single word you said to me that night and yeah I knew you were going to hurt me, I just didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to believe it. I knew it because the last night you were here, you stopped because you saw fear in my eyes. Remember, and you finally got it out of me that it was the Man in Black that I feared. Well it was something he said, something he showed me. He told me you would hurt me. I don’t know why he told me or why he even helped me considering all the pain he inflicted on me for so many years but he was fuckin right and I didn’t want him to be! I seriously didn’t want him to be right, and yet I wanted him to be. Horrible thing is I won’t ever know why he did what he did since he was destroyed and I will never have to deal with him again; even if I do I know I can defeat him once again during the battle.
You know what the fuck made me laugh the most? You accused me of being unfaithful to you while we were dating. Um sorry but I never cheat on people. I am not like that and I am not like you, never will be. So stop trying to justify your pathetic actions by passing guilt. I have nothing to be guilty for because I was always there for you 100% and you didn’t want me. God, you couldn’t even step up for your actions when Britany first contacted me. Tried to say she was lying and she was just some obsessed girl you have known forever. You even told your sister that, remember. I am happy that you are with the obsessed one. Haha I wonder if she even knows you said that about her but oh well I don’t even care to talk to either of you after writing this letter. I have blocked all the screen names you both use that I know of so far and e-mail addresses. I am happier knowing that I have and yeah, I don’t care anymore if I ever speak to you again. This is my last words of contact unless something else does happen but other than that you are gone.
Even looking at the conversations I had with you, I think most of what you said was just a lie. I was stupid for not believing in my dreams, that is one thing I probably would change. But you know what? If I did listen to those dreams, Brett and I wouldn’t be together probably. But that is something I don’t even care to tell you about because if I listened to what my soul was trying to tell me then you would have gotten that Dear John letter. I was thinking about him while I was with you but see I never even flirted with him once during that time and I actually avoided him. You were the one that is pathetic, the weak minded one and could not even break up with someone before messing with someone else.
Yeah I know I was horrible for telling Britany I was pregnant but you know what I made her just as miserable as I was because of her at the time. You didn’t even care that she was harassing me at that time or even when she fuckin ims me now. But when I made her cry and shit while we were still together, oh of course you defended her. Yeah, shows how much you loved me, right? I just have to laugh because I know one day it will happen to her. Just because you hide your actions, doesn’t mean shit. I know you have probably already cheated on her. I just hope someone tells her like she did for me. Because she does deserve that much and she doesn’t deserve being cheated on.
I have realized something though with a couple of recent events. I have realized how much of a coward you actually are. You could have told me about everything before you went back into training. You could have been a real man and admitted your mistakes back when they happened. All I can say is you may be a Marine and made it through a life of hell but you are just a coward. You are the scared little boy you have always been. You will always hurt people and use them because you are so afraid to be alone and for no one to miss you. I can even remember your sister warning me about all of that and some of your fears. I don’t doubt you used me because you wanted someone to miss you while you went through boot camp. At least I helped you through that part of your life, I guess.
Yeah I still have every letter you ever sent to me, every conversation you and I had, and everything you sent to me. Brett won’t even leave me delete the files on my computer that are from, to, or about you. I keep on trying to figure out what went wrong and where exactly it did start to crumble. God I even try to figure out what exactly I did wrong for you to call me a psycho bitch and tell me to kill myself. But either way, I admit I have my problems, hell I will even admit some of the problems to complete strangers sometimes. But you are another story. You need to admit the problems I even saw while we were together; you need to admit them to yourself at least. Like I said before, you are only lying to yourself. I won’t leave myself feel guilty for what happened between us because I know it wasn’t my fault. The nice little voices in the back of my mind would like me to think otherwise but yeah I will never leave them convince me. You could have ended it back when you cheated me but instead you lied about it and avoided it altogether. I have to laugh because at least I try to work through my problems but you will not even make a movement toward yours to help yourself. At least you tried when you were with me, and now you don’t even do that. You just pass the blame onto someone else or try to justify your actions that you know and feel are wrong, yet you do them anyway. At least take this advice and find a way to get some will power to resist temptation or every relationship you get into will end miserably.
As for you telling me to kill myself, um yeah sorry but you are never worth my life, never! You broke almost every promise you have ever made to me! God, even Jared has not done that to me. At least he does keep ones that he knows mean something to me. He even broke off his friendship with me and everything else and still I know I can always depend on him.
Fuck you! I don’t want you in my life anymore! Especially since you broke the promise to Tyler, the one you should have never made! But oh well, he is forgetting about you, just as everyone else will and is. Only thing is that I won’t forget you since I know I need to remember what lessons you taught me during the months we were dating and even during the last conversation we had, you taught me lessons. If I forgot you than I would forget the lessons. Well I am sure as hell hoping for a way around that one but oh well, just reminds me the pathetic state of a lot of service men, hell a lot of men period! At least most of them admit they only care for a good fuck and that is it. But no! Little sex addict Tommy has to lie and manipulate women into believing he is perfect for them, he loves them, wants to marry them, that he has changed when he does wrong, and then wants them to just say bye bye in such a cheery manner when he breaks their heart, something he needs to seriously experience.
Wow! I wonder if anything you even told me about Amber Rose was true. If it was, I bet she must really be turning over in her grave because of how much you have changed for the worse since she was with you. And no that is not anything like what you said about my father. I am not insulting her, just stating what the truth probably is. You even lied to either your sister or me there. Because you told me you and Amber never had sex, yet your sister remembered you telling her that Amber was your first. Hmm amazing how lies add up in the end!
You hurt me more than anyone ever has and hopefully I will never avoid bringing things I already know to light again. I will never be the same from the damage you caused me. You took something that changed my outlook on the world for the better, manipulated it, and made it do a U-turn for the complete worse and harsh reality. I was doing so much better and you kill all the progress I had ever made. I hope you know that. These pictures show just how much pain you have placed within me, hidden in my eyes, and scorched into my soul. I don’t think I can ever forgive you for it, Tommy. I hope one day I can but I am not sure that I will be able to.
One thing I can be sure of though, you will never have another chance with me again! I cannot allow myself to be hurt by you again. You hurt me once and when I gave the second chance, I knew what was probably going to happen. There is really no way I could ever give you a third chance. I knew that if I did, the pain would not be far behind. God, I still love you and I think that part of me always will but there would be no point in a third chance. I don’t trust you anymore and any kind of relationship is built on trust. I don’t think I could ever give you the amount of trust you once had from me. I know I cannot even leave myself trust you at all again. Trust is something that really cannot be revived once it is completely butchered. I had saved what little trust I did have for you from when you first broke up with me and everything. I had kept in alive and allowed you the second chance but you killed it when you left me for the second time. There is no hope for my trust in you to return to life. I know I still have some faith in you and some judgments that will probably change with time, but the trust is gone, which I guess it is sad in some ways. You were one of the people that instant trust was granted to and there are only two other people in that category. You blew it. There is nothing of that complete and instant trust left now and I am scared because I know how much I once trusted you and in an instant it was completely gone and my world came crashing down. I refuse to leave myself ever forget the lessons you taught me. How people don’t deserve instant trust, no matter who they are. How I should never leave my guard down and take someone’s word over my dreams. Most of all, how truly selfish people are and they do not care who the hell gets hurt in their lives, as long as they get everything they want, when they want it. Well when you want me again, you won’t ever get me.
Goodbye Tommy.
I will never forget you or the lessons I learned from you, I will probably always love you no matter how much I want those feelings to die off and leave me be, I hope you never leave the cycles in your family continue with you (although it seems they already have started), and most of all, I guess I still believe in you.
The beautiful little cutter, who cuts no more,
But wishes she could take the blade to her body once again,
Tiffany Rose
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