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I'm debating about blocking three accounts on here. That way, while I'm dealing with the past, I'm not sidetracked by a message from them. I don't know if it would help me or just start drama. Although, I don't care about my status so what does it matter if they block me back?



I'm getting off for a while and writing while offline. I'm keeping at it for now.



I don't know when I'll be checking back in but tomorrow I have to take Aurora trick or treating, possibly.

How can I keep this up? I'm not even writing my memories out yet and I'm getting physically ill every day. I want to give up. I really do.



How mad would I be at myself if I did? How disappointed?



Thank God, J might not be coming up now for a weekend.



I survived the abuse, the hardest part... now I need to survive this process and the memories.



Lord, please give me strength. Please?

It's hard to talk to friends and people I care about when it's all that I can think about.



I hate to say it but I think maybe he was right. I think I may have confused my feelings and I may not have loved him. He reminded me of J when talking to me a lot of the time. I let him get to me. I let him in my head.



God, I'm such a disappointment... if to no one else, myself for sure.



I feel like the memories are consuming me. At the moment, I honestly can't see the light at the end of this. I'm just hoping I can make it through this.



I didn't take the Melatonin last night and I'm regretting it. I had some of the most horrible nightmares I've had in a while.



Yesterday, during the day, I had a nightmare. It was dreadful.



He was chasing me around a small neighborhood and trying to kill me. It reminded me sort of like Jason or Micheal Myers. Anyways, I couldn't avoid him. I couldn't avoid trying to survive. Everywhere I made it to, he found me. He was coming for me.



He raped me.



He got off of me and I was paralyzed and couldn't move. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Then he looked down at me and said "You should thank me, I just healed you from your past."



I woke up immediately. I talked to Brett about it. I told him that I could picture him saying that to me and believing it in his own way. Brett agreed. I think that worries me even more. It's not just in my head!



I think I'm going to be sick.

I did this at Broadway and I wanted to put what's on the picture I drew of "myself" that's in quotations because it's a rather bad drawing. I wish I could scan it.



Anyways, here it goes.



FAT

CRAZY

I KNOW WHAT YOURE THINKING

WHORE

ILL ALWAYS KNOW IF YOU SAY ANYTHING

SLUT

MOM DOESNT CARE

LIAR

DAD CANT HEAR YOU

YOU LIKED IT

NO ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU

YOURE MAKING IT UP

YOU CANT HIDE

WHY BRING IT UP

ILL ALWAYS KNOW WHERE YOU ARE

HOW COULD YOU REMEMBER CORRECTLY

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT

I DONT REMEMBER

STUPID

JUST WAIT

THAT CLOWN TELLS ME

NO ONE BELIEVES YOU

COW

CRY AND YOULL REGRET IT

NO ONE LIKES YOU

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

UGLY

YOU MADE ME



That's most of the things that were said to me all the time by J during the abuse and some of it even continued being said after. It's all written in capitals on my picture with no punctuation so I kept it the same.

I've made it through one category of the lists. I made it through the Self Esteem and Personal Power.



Now all that's left to go is:



Feelings

Your Body

Intimacy

Sexuality

Children and Parenting

Family of Origin



And then a writing exercise.



I think my whole life up until now I've been trying to cope.



Every time I picked up these books in the past few years, I had a different attitude about it.



I needed to get through it so I could say I'm okay. I accept it.



Well, I'll probably never accept it but I'm sure I can heal from it if I keep moving forward through the healing process although I know I'll be everywhere in the stages (probably visit some more than once) and I know I'll probably return to these books later in life.



The more I figure this out, how it's effected me, the more I hate D and J.



I'm opting to not put my lists in here. As I said before, I'm unsettled knowing that my exes can read my journal entries. I'm unsettled the one's wife could read these words.



I don't want anyone in my head.



It's bad enough I worry about the clown.

I remember being on the floor of Courtney's kitchen and her telling me "Hell Tiffy, I'm blind and I'm making it work. You can deal with this too."



That was back in the beginning on 2008 and I can still remember her telling me that and that everything would be okay.



I miss her so badly. I need her.



I thought I saw her in our yard in the middle of the night walking and I just started breaking down.



I miss the closeness I had with people who I loved so much. It takes everything to talk to Brett and let him hold me through this.



I trust him and yet, I can't tell him certain things. Will I be able to admit them to myself? I'm scared to discover something I just can't accept in myself.



I'm going to take Melatonin once I calm down some from crying so much and get some sleep. I have to make sure Brett's up at 5 am.



Tomorrow I'm going to try to work on the lists in Taking Stock in the actual book but I can't promise anything about that to myself or others.

That chapter in the workbook... what's so scary about it? A gray box on one page that makes me shake with fear, cry from shame, and terrified that everything never happened.



It's a box to name the abusers.



The chapter is about taking stock in how it has effected my life.



How could I not be terrified by it?



How can I openly admit even in a workbook that I know no one will read unless I hand it to them what I've done just to get by?



My screen name on here was even influenced by my past. That's why I'll never change it. Hiding from my memories and "boxing them up" to avoid them has had so many consequences and most of the them dire in their nature.



One action of myself to get back at my abuser was the main influence over my screen name. Revenge.



I'm not entirely sure if I'll keep writing in here about this or not.



I'm trying to do this where I'm most comfortable. Honestly, I feel safe on this site.



Although, I can't stand the thought of my ex reading this and messaging me at a point that is crucial for me to get through. Either of them.



I want those that care about me know what's with me and why I am the way I am. And heaven knows I would be inspired by reading another person who has been through something like this write. I've read some of the experiences of other but never in a journal on here in so many words.



It inspires me to know that this is possible. There's other people who have felt as hopeless as me and made it through.



I'm struggling. I honestly want to hurt. I want to feel that pain again just to be able to bottle it up and never acknowledge it again.



I don't even know how to prevent myself from doing such stupid things like dating a suspected rapist like I did in high school and yet, why was I so pissed at him? He drugged me. I wouldn't have remembered if something had happened.



I wanted to feel that pain again. I needed it. I went in the ward soon after that. Thank God.



I've drove recklessly wanting to die. I've cut so deeply that I bled in the school hallways clear to the bathroom and couldn't get it to stop. I've done things I should regret and I don't.



I blame myself and I know I shouldn't. I even blame myself for it stopping when I tried to kill her. It's what I knew.



My sexual tastes have evolved from my abuse. I know it and that scares me.



I'm trying. I feel like I can't do this and still I'm trying with everything I am. I feel like I'm losing my mind and can't tell people in my family what is going on.



I'm trying to go through the chapter in the book that coincides with the workbook chapters that I fear so much.



I've made it through the chapter before. I'm hoping that knowing that will help me face it again. I think I can do this but I doubt myself at every turn. It hurts so bad. I can't sleep. I've been puking for days at night. I've been drinking just to calm down some and now we're out of vodka so no worries there I guess.



I freaked on a guy who was talking to my daughter in Wal-mart about a week ago. He asked her for her hand. I flipped. My daughter told me to calm down that she was okay and he didn't hurt her.



I need to deal with this. It's tearing me apart from the inside. It seems like it's all I think about day and night. I'm washing dishes and thinking about that first kiss that was forced on me. I'm doing clothes and thinking about the underwear that had blood on them and the smell of it, I swear I can smell.



I'm scared I'm losing it.



And it upsets me that I made it through the past and yet, the memories... I feel like they're going to kill me if I face them or admit to them in they're entirety.



I'm going back to Uni and my book. I need this. I need to heal. But can I make it through this?

COMMENTS

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dabbler
03:29 Oct 29 2012

Keep working that book.

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SuicideDoll
14:17 Oct 29 2012

I'm not really sure what to say except that I sincerely hope writing this book helps you overcome the terrible things you have felt inside for so long. I have been chatting with you here (off and on, granted) for quite a long time now and know you have been through things that no person should have to endure. I hope this will be your first step in defeating those demons.



And as for a stranger asking for your daugher's hand in Wal-Mart - I would have freaked, too!

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DireConsequences
16:33 Oct 29 2012

I'm not writing the book.



I have two books. They're called "The Courage to Heal" and the one is a workbook. There are a ton of exercises including creating safety, looking at the damage done because of it, writing/talking about the abuse, naming your abuser(s), and so much more.



I think it may be one of the few good things my last therapist did (Nancy). She ended up being more like a friend than a therapist when I know that's not what I needed and why I asked to be transferred to another therapist.



Although, over the years of trying to go through the book and workbook, I've filled almost a full subject in my three subject notebook. Poor thing has been beat up. As for the books, they're both duct taped so I can have them in public without fear of someone asking questions.

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SuicideDoll
14:34 Oct 30 2012

My apologies - I must have misunderstood. But I still wish you the best with confronting everything in this way and hope it accomplishes what you are seeking.

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POST COMMENT

I feel exhausted, both mentality and physically. Doing this is more extreme than I ever thought. That basement is still there for the moment and I'm honestly debating about going there to confront the memories since I know I'll never confront D. I've seen him. He's talked to me. I've run scared. Once literally ran to my car.



Can I go in that basement? I don't know. I know it's not safe in that house anymore but to live with losing the chance to do so will effect me how much? It's something I've wanted to do since I was 17 and I'm 25.



If I wait until I'm ready, I may not be able to do it.



If I do it without being ready, it may cause more harm than good.



I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. I'm scared to do anything on these matters. Hell, my lists on ways of coping seem stupid to me, worthless, and insignificant. I know it's not true but that's how I FEEL.



I don't know how much I plan on working in my book or reading the other the next few days but I know there are three chapters I want to get through if I can handle it. I chickened out tonight. I can't do it. I'm backing off for the night. I'll reread the beginning of it again and see if I feel comfortable then tomorrow.



I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't be this unsure of myself and make decisions for this family. I don't feel right in doing it.



God, I just wnat to forget. Why can't I? Damn it, I'm so tired of reliving things in my dreams and having no way of fuckin stopping it.



I want it done, finished, completed. But if I rush through this or don't go at the right pace for myself, I'll be right back where I started.



I just feel so stupid. Ridiculous for this mattering THIS much to me. I feel like I should be over it already.



I need to sleep and don't know how to shut my brain down other than taking a sleeping med.



I'm out.

Bless her. Aurora knows my dad died a long time ago. It'll be eight years on the 13th. It doesn't seem like a year has passed with this pain and grief I carry.



We're both sick. I got chilled while putting groceries away in the kitchen that we bought yesterday. Well, I went to cuddle up in my daddy's blanket. Aurora stole it. I told her, "Give it back, Aurora Bliss. That's my dad's blanket. Please."



I explained to her it wasn't nice to take it from my chair when I was going to use it.



She told me, "It's your daddy's blanket, your daddy's dead. He doesn't need a blanket. He's dead. Your daddy would share the blanket. You need to share mommy cause your daddy's dead."



I was about to scream shut up. Seriously.



I closed my eyes. Blocked everything out like I did when I was little and situations were happening. I breathed.



I paused Dora. I told her to come to me.



This came next.



"Yes, Aurora, my daddy is dead. I miss my daddy a lot. It's not nice to say over and over to someone missing somebody else that they are dead. It's not nice at all. It made mommy upset. You're not in trouble. Please just don't do it again."



"You miss your daddy very much?"



"Yes honey, I miss him a ton."



"It's okay mommy. Hey, you have your glasses on so you can see me well!"



*laughs* "Yes, can I get a hug?"



"Yes, mommy. It'll fix your broken heart."



I love my daughter. I can't believe I got so upset. Hearing her say it over and over again reminds me of my own thoughts when I really need to have a conversation with my dad.



"Your dad's dead. He's dead. You don't have him in your life cause he's dead."



Thanks mind!



I'm extremely glad I didn't scream shut up at Aurora. I never have and I don't ever plan on losing my temper like that.



I've yelled at her for running off over the hill to a neighbor's yard, for locking me outside, for hurting the cat, and turning the stove on.



But I've never, ever screamed at her. Never.

Anybody who has to do Christmas shopping for a child, K-Mart is having an awesome sale. It's 50% off all clearance toys.



=]



I just saved $116 on a buggy load of things. I spent a total of $134. I was telling people in the parking lot and whatnot. Mothers who had small children. I even told a couple of my friends on facebook who have children.



This sale was happening like 4 hours away and here too. So I would just call and make sure before you go.



Laters.

COMMENTS

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Mystic
06:02 Oct 05 2012

That is a great deal damn ! I will have to check out our local store.

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DireConsequences
06:12 Oct 05 2012

That's why I posted again about the sale in a separate entry. It's definitely worth a look for parents, grandparents, and other people looking for birthday gifts and whatnot for kids.



I was so happy. It's awesome and such a surprise to actually save money like that on TOYS. O_o Like seriously. I'm not used to it unless it's on Black Friday or something similar.

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POST COMMENT

Today has been more than productive.



Aurora and I walked down to the post office. Long walk for her since she hasn't been past the other end of our dirt road. For me too with my breathing.



We got the mail, stopped at the little store, and headed back home.



She broke into our house for us to get in. We accidentally locked the door. The window I had left unlocked in the bathroom yesterday was locked. So I had to put her in the small window in the kitchen, help her off the counter since that's all the further I could fit, and explain to her to open the door for mommy and her gummy fish. =]



When Brett got home, we all left. We went to the bank and then dropped him off back at school.



Aurora and I, however, went to Dollar Tree and the Party Center until it was time to get her hair cut. Oh gosh, her hair. She cut it a few days ago. Clear back to her right ear. I didn't take pictures this time but I'll be sure to get some of her new haircut (now that it's fixed). It's sassy!



By the time that was done with, we went back, got Brett and went to eat. Over an hour of Aurora playing at Burger King, we left to pay bills.



I sent Aurora through the mall with Brett to pay them while I hit up K-Mart's sale. Oh my gosh! Fifty perfect off all clearance toys! I got a buggy full of things, 25 items in all for $139. I paid twice that last year for her Christmas stuff alone.



I have everything bought for her birthday now, other than goody bags to be put together for the kids that come, the decorations, etc. And I have now started on Christmas things.



I saved $116 on the items I bought today. It wasn't stupid little things either. I got Dora, Strawberry Shortcake, My Little Pony, etc. The stuff Aurora's really into and most girls her age are too.



It was really something for me to have Brett go and look everything over, bought and packed in the car without Aurora seeing.



We then went to a couple of stores after, got Brett tobacco and a new roller, and went to McDonalds for a bit.



I'm exhausted. Tired beyond comprehension. I have a tons of places to apply to for a job. I'm excited. I can't wait for this weekend when I go and apply and spend time alone.



I also can't wait until Black Friday. If I'm not working by then, I'll definitely be at the stores after the best deal. =]



I can only spend so much on Aurora for her birthday and Christmas this year. It's not like she's hurting for toys or things to do. She gets everything she wants unless it's out of her age group for sure. But I want to make our money count for the most. I'm positive I did that today.



Oh and Frankie, unless I get a job, your Christmas gift will probably be a little bit late. =] I wanted to make sure to let you know that.



Since we've gotten home, Brett and I have talked. Like seriously talked about our relationship and some of the things in the past we need to discuss later on.



I'm happy with the conversation. It's definitely getting better between us. I'm just hoping that we keep moving forward and don't go back a mile or two again.



I love him. That's what I know.



As I told him, if I doubted for one moment whether I was in love with him or not, I would have ended things right there. I'm utterly taken with him.



I just wish I knew he cares.

COMMENTS

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mindgeeee
05:44 Oct 05 2012

I love the dollar tree

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POST COMMENT

I miss my daddy. Badly.



This time tomorrow, I'm more than likely going to be watching black and white war movies.



After paying bills tomorrow or the next day, I'm getting new headphones and a collection of either Vietnam war movies or WWII. Probably WWII ones since those are what I watched most with my daddy.



I'm a bundle of mixed up emotions right now.



Seriously.



I miss my dad. The anniversary of his death is coming up.



I miss Courtney. She was the one person I wanted to see and visited on the 13th of this month.



Brett and I are bumping heads about odds and ends.



My uncle and stepdad are currently tearing down my Grandmother's house. The one thing I've always wanted to do since I was about 11, when everything had stopped for a little while and I started self harming was face the basement in that house where I was raped. I tried several times but only lost it and ended up making things seem worse to handle. I'm losing my chance to face that basement with the old stained mattress, the exposed pipes, the smell of earth, and the memories of him. I'm losing it. I feel like I'm losing the grasp I have on myself. God, I feel like I'm losing a part of me and don't understand why. I'm having mixed emotions about this and I don't understand where they're all coming from.



The whole thing with my mother saying that to me about T.



My feelings for a certain woman. I'm so confused. I know what I feel but at times, I don't want to feel it. It's not that I don't want to feel it towards her, it's that I don't want to feel it at all. I feel that I'm less than what she deserves. All my scars, my quirks, my memories, my flashbacks, the year and a half sexual abuse from a girl that was a little older than me. How do I get past that and feel okay with my emotions towards another woman? How?



I just want my daddy. I'm planning on going to the graveyard by myself this month. I don't care if it's the 13th, before it, or after. I just need a long conversation where I feel close to my dad and comforted. I need it. Really need it.



I'm proud of myself and surprised. I haven't relapsed in such a long time now and god, I can't believe I haven't in the past couple of months.



I don't know how to explain that. I'm overwhelmed, I guess. My thoughts race so much. I'm tired of not being able to grasp things.



This weekend... I'm going to McDonalds. I'm going by myself. I'm going to coupon, rate the database, send pictures to a special person, and be by myself.



I need to sort through some thoughts. I need to sort through some things. I can't do that with Brett and Aurora consistently around. I feel like I'm transparent. I feel like my daughter is going to hate me later in life because of who I am and that I'm not strong enough.



I feel like a failure.



The hell with my anxiety. I need out. I need away. I need someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay. I need something.



I think I'm breaking.

"So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?



All the time. All the time."



♥

Having this addiction to you can't be good/healthy. I logged to tell you of pictures for you and hoped to see a message from you.



=] I'm pathetic. I think I have it for you badly. And I hope you don't mind and the feeling is mutual. Otherwise, I'll feel rather silly.



I'm going to get back to work on this living room, do a set of dishes, and get my sexual frustration out on the Wii.



Sounds like a good plan. I'm just be sore. =] Hopefully a good kind of sore.

My mother just so happens to think that having a boyfriend on the side of Brett was the worse thing ever. She expected that out of Jessica but not me. What the fuck? Maybe you should kind of know about the threesomes I've had with Brett and other guys, having sex with another guy with Brett watching and enjoying it, and fucking myself until I bleed with toys. Yeah, thank a certain someone for that. A year and a half of being molested and basically tortured will do that to someone especially when it happened to them when they were a child. Blame her a little. While you're at it, blame her for my sexuality too. It bothers you that I like girls and stuff. Well shut up and blame the abuser for a change... not me. My thoughts are hard enough to deal with without you making me think less of myself.



And at least... I WAS HONEST. I was upfront. Brett knew what I was doing. We agreed on it. I never went behind his back. Ever.



Everyone in our family has cheated except you and my dad... they hid it even though their spouse knew it was going on. Whatever. Don't lecture them. Lecture me. Think less of me.



Fuck it! It's my business! If I want to go sleep with a prostitute, it's my business.



Screw off, mommy! Screw the hell off!



I have dwelt on this for over two weeks now. You hurt me by saying that. I'm tired of trying to get your approval. It's not going to happen so why try?

COMMENTS

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DireConsequences
03:22 Oct 03 2012

I thought I should put that the boyfriend on the side happened over two years ago.

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Levity
05:23 Oct 03 2012

Sex me pls

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DireConsequences
15:57 Oct 03 2012

Best request I've ever gotten!



Surely. ♥

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POST COMMENT

Aurora is gone for the night. I'm so happy to be able to clean without a child under my feet trying to help me.



I'm determined to get this living room looking decent again. Toys, blankets, dolls, books, crayons, coloring books, and movies are all over the place.



Thanks mom! This is what I needed! =] A little, tiny bit of a break.



I'm thinking of trying to take pictures tonight for someone. I'm not sure. I at least want to be in that mood to do so. =] I want to enjoy doing it.



But until then and I can talk to a certain person, I'm going back to cleaning. Half the living room is done already. She's been gone a couple of hours and I spent more or less 30 minutes directly after she left cleaning it.



I must not get side tracked by VR again. Stop calling to me!



*pouts* I want to read more upbeat journals. Drama never does fail to amuse me. But that's it... it amuses me. I stay out of it like I always do and probably will. I've had my couple of journal wars and fights on here but I've definitely move on.



I want to read something inspiring. Even reading someone is looking into something new is welcomed right now.



Ugh. Cleaning. Must. Get. Back. To. It.



At least this time, I'm playing my music! Yay!

Is it a good kind of gooey at least?



Not some kind of gross gooey that you need to see the doctor about, right?



I'm sure they would love that explanation!



"Some American chick I know has made me have this complication with my body."



Doctor says, "What's that?"



You reply, "Well every time I think about her in certain ways or our conversations about Barbie dolls and toy trains... I feel all gooey inside. I don't think this is supposed to happen, Doc. What can I do?"



Yep! Embarrassing!



A little wetness in the panties isn't bad though! =]



ROFL!

You make me feel like no one else. I just wanted to say that. =]



I adore you completely.

I dream about you often when I'm sad, scared, or even happy.

Hell, I just dream about you to do so. =]

I listen to your cover often.

I love the sound of your voice.

Your messages are like opening a present to me.

The joy of being a child again seen.

The conversations we have, I wouldn't dare have them with another.

Will your boyfriend mind when I kiss you? ^__^

I know mine won't. So yay!



I loverly you. ♥

I was going to write more but Aurora and I are going to make brownies for Brett since he had a bad day. =]

Oh my gosh. Dial up is not for uploading images. I've updated my profile a little bit. I'm frustrated with it. Not my profile, not the comments I received on my profile because I understand where they're coming from, but the speed of my internet.



This is why my images were broken links.



*nods* This is exactly why.



I left the links as place holders for myself.



I don't really mind if people find my stamp offending. It's not that bad considering it's the truth. I wrote it up last night some time.



I think it suits me just fine.



Here's a copy of it:



"Hello. This is an automatic stamp. I don't do automatic tens and I rate on content only. I don't load your pictures; simply because I'm on dial up which is slow. Yeah, it still exists. Because of my internet speed, I will not rate most premium members, will not do re-rates, or change my rate I've given you unless I happen across your profile later and see the changes you've done. I hope you have good day. Later. =]"



Yep, it's a Tiffy thing. I'm not above anyone else on this site. I'm just in a different situation.



By the way, if you're active on the site, more than likely, I'll run across it at some point in time. *nods* For sure!



And premium member profiles usually freeze my browser because of my slow net. That's why I usually don't rate them. Images, music players, videos, etc cause it to load so slow.