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13 entries this month
16:51 Nov 27 2012
Times Read: 702
I just realized last night I'm going to bawl my eyes out when I kill my first deer. Not because I'm killing it and things but because my daddy won't be able to be there to see it or explain to me how to gut it and hang it.
I started crying last night thinking about it. I'm almost put off of deer hunting because of it.
I know my dad would have been proud of my daughter yesterday. =] She was absolutely fascinated with the gutting of the deer. She poked it's eye and was looking at the different colors of the organs. We explained to her that she has the same things inside of her, just like other people too.
Brett shot the gun yesterday. Hit the coffee can I set up for him. I'm not so worried about his shooting capabilities now that I saw him shoot the 12 gauge. He's going hunting in the morning on Saturday. I'm going on Friday morning.
I'm pissed though. I got my period. I'm going to have to try to stay downwind of the deer for sure. No matter how I try to mask the scent, it's not going to mask it completely. I don't have the extra money for the thermals I want that mask those kinds of scents women have.
Yeah, deer, you're going to sense me whether I want you to or not.
I'm just happy the deer are used to me being around and even Aurora yelling and playing. ♥
I can't wait and yet I'm dreading this.
It's kind of like going to the prom my senior year. Right before going on stage for the pictures in my dress, I started bawling my eyes out because it was just another reminder that my daddy wasn't there to share moments with me anymore.
When Aurora's eight or so, she'll be going hunting with her Papa and/or me. That's if she's mature enough in her behavior to handle a gun.
My stepdad took his little brother, Jim hunting when he was only six or seven years old.
I'm putting it off a bit for my daughter though. She doesn't have the best attention span yet and I'm not giving her a gun when she's drifting off somewhere else.
Yep, my daddy may not been able to take me hunting and my uncles refused to.
But you know what? This family is going to be a hunting one. I'm going to save up for our own guns for Brett and myself. =] As for Aurora, I already know Papa will be giving her a gun if she goes hunting with him.
He'll be so proud of her.
Oh and she didn't have any nightmares from seeing the deer being gutted.
She's still sick though. *sighs* Getting better, but still sick.
20:38 Nov 26 2012
Times Read: 710
Aurora got to see two deer gutted today. Papa and Uncle Jim got 3 deer total between the two of them. =]
This weekend, it's my turn! Friday, I'm going out in the morning and on Saturday, Brett's going out in the morning.
I can't wait to get my very first deer. =]
I'm proud of my little girl. She wants Papa to get another deer. She poked it's eye and was looking at all the organs as Jim pulled them out of the deer.
She wants Papa to get one more deer. He's getting one more for his baby girl! ♥
06:53 Nov 26 2012
Times Read: 714
"Why do people say "grow some balls?" Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding." - Betty White
♥
14:25 Nov 23 2012
Times Read: 730
The news story I'm mentioned in is probably on the bottom front page of the news. =]
I went with my sister to Toys R Us at 12:30 pm yesterday and it opened at 8 pm. We were in and out in 23 minutes. I saved $93 on the things I bought and only went over my budget by seven cents. =D Heck yeah!
I saved a bunch at Wal-mart last night too. =]
We didn't get to make the GameStops because Aurora wasn't acting well. She's sick this morning.
NO I DID NOT TAKE HER WITH ME, EXCEPT TO WALMART WHICH WASN'T A WAIT EVEN IN THE CHECKOUT LINE!
She was at my mom's house playing with her cousins. =]
I have a trunk full of things for Christmas on top of the two big boxes I already have. Heck yes! Whooo!
I would have been out there this morning again but I'm not going anywhere with my baby being sick. She comes first in this.
I've gotten maybe 2 hours sleep getting up with her since 1 am. She cuddled up on the chair with me to sleep after the fourth time of her sleeping a little and waking up coughing and crying.
Even Shadow was leaving Aurora use her as a pillow. ♥
I'm getting off and calling my mommy. =] Buh-bye!
02:57 Nov 22 2012
Times Read: 736
I'm thankful I made it.
I'm thankful that I faced my fear and became a mother.
I'm thankful for my daughter and the time I have with her.
I'm thankful for the time I get to spend with my family.
I'm thankful for the time I had with my friends who have passed.
I'm thankful I don't forget the past even though I want to.
I'm thankful for my stubbornness. It's probably one of the reasons why I'm here now.
I'm thankful to know there's people thinking about me.
I'm thankful people can't look at me and see what I've been through.
I'm thankful for my belief in God whether I go to church or not.
I'm thankful I've never turned to drugs or crime whether I was tempted by it to escape.
I'm thankful for the pets we have and the ones I've had in the past.
I'm thankful Brett and I met face to face.
I'm thankful for the memories of the conversations with my dad I have.
I'm thankful those in my life who were in extreme pain have passed on.
I'm thankful for being me. Flaws, past, memories, and all. I'm thankful and grateful.
03:14 Nov 20 2012
Times Read: 745
I shaved my cat's head yesterday.
She looks okay-ish. It's not that apparent and it's already growing back.
She had fleas for about a month and a half. The medicine isn't working on her, neither are flea baths or combing.
They were only on her head!
Please someone explain to me why they were only on my cat's head? I'm confused by it.
I feel like a horrid kitty mommy but she's feeling better now. I can't find a single flea, larva, or egg anywhere on her. And I've combed insanely to see at different times since yesterday to see if there are any.
I'm paranoid.
On the good side of things, Aurora party went good, although not as planned. And I just reached 100 accomplishments on the site we're on! Woot!
I'm out. Tomorrow morning, I'm scrubbing carpets so I'll be keeping the furnace going full blast with some of the "cold nights" wood. =]
03:15 Nov 15 2012
Times Read: 754
I have shorter hair again. Aurora got her bangs trimmed. She had a good birthday even though she's horribly sad that Papa is still fishing with the other uncles. Boy, I bet he's going to hear it from her on leaving and not being back today like he promised.
She did get in trouble. She tried taking a couple of things from the store. O_O
The day didn't go as planned.
My mom also tore the bummer off of her car at the graveyard. It feels odd tying someone's bummer up other than my own. Wow, I should not know that feeling at all.
We ran into Jared today at Wal-mart. I LOVE seeing him.
It's weird. I remember his scent. As soon as I smell him, I feel safe and able to face things, even the past.
I hate how much scents can trigger with me.
I doubt that man knows how much he means to me. I really do.
I'm tired. I think I'm going to bed but wanted to put something here.
Oh possibly going to Jared's house tomorrow. =] He's got kittens. No, we're not getting one. Aurora wants to see them though. I want to spend time with him. I'm sure Brett wants to do so too. And Aurora has missed him something awful.
05:37 Nov 14 2012
Times Read: 763
Happy birthday, baby girl!
♥♥♥♥♥
Five years old today!
04:39 Nov 13 2012
Times Read: 769
We've been without net for four days because of a mishap with the bank. All is sorted out and squared away. Thank goodness. Aurora and I have missed Uni. =]
Her birthday is on Wednesday and party on Saturday. Before her party (in the morning), we're going to have breakfast with Santa Clause. ♥
She's going to be five and I feel I'm going to go crazy. =] Nice combination, huh?
We're all good though. We've been busy with the warmish weather this weekend and now it's the cold rain.
I'm debating about scrubbing the living room and Aurora's room carpets tomorrow. Weather is not much of a factor since we have a furnace. I can just crank it up all the way and put in certain types of woods to keep it going full speed.
I love having a wood/coal furnace again. Something I took for granted when growing up and complained about taking care of. And now, I'm ever so grateful for it.
If we lose power, we're not going to be cold like everyone else. We'll be in the dark, sure... but we'll be warm and toasty.
Aurora wants to put up the Christmas trees already. I think it's too early. But she's the birthday girl. O_O I'll probably do it sometime soon with her.
Oh and we're getting one big surprise for Christmas. My stepdad and mom are going to talk to Dick about getting the cable back on. That includes him redoing the wiring and cable service for a flippin' year!
I swear Papa just wants babygirl to be able to watch her newest Doras, Diegos, Kai-lans, and her most favorite that she's been missing period is Olivia.
I picked out a Kai-lan cake for her birthday! She'll be super happy when she sees it. =]
Oh joy, this week is going to be stressful with all that's planned and fun. O_O Probably more stressful for this mommy.
And I've come to some realizations that I'll probably take the time to post on here about. It may show some sides of me that I'm not sure about liking and whatnot but eh, it's all me.
I need to get to bed. I have tons planned to get done tomorrow.
For Wednesday, I'm making Aurora pancakes for breakfast instead of the traditional french toast my mom always made me and my sister. She chose them. She LOVES pancakes. I'm making cupcakes with her. They can be green with different colored green icing if that's what she wants. =] Ham for supper (her favorite). And she'll get to open one gift from mommy and daddy that day and the rest waits until Saturday.
Oh and she gets to wear a crown both days, of course, like the little princess she is. ♥
20:02 Nov 07 2012
Times Read: 787
I didn't like either candidate for the presidency. I didn't get to vote yesterday with me and Aurora being sick recently and Brett didn't get home until after 5 pm.
I know a lot of people in this area who are going to quite angry that Obama is president again. Coal miners are in my thoughts right now, along with their families.
There's going to be a lot more of them without jobs now.
Thanks Obama! Yeah, right. =[
18:12 Nov 06 2012
Times Read: 792
The bone biopsy is done. He's hurting and can't lift for a couple of days which includes Aurora. We'll know the results 10-15 days from today.
We're having Aurora's birthday party on the 16th. Nothing big. Cake, ice cream, a couple of games.
None of us are really in a party mood, including my Pretty Princess. She just wants Tyler and Cooper to come.
Joy. More past stuff for me to deal with there. I thought she wasn't coming. I guess she's trying to make it now.
And me? That's all my daughter wanted for her birthday... to see those two boys.
I'm going to try to make it happen even if I have to see her again and again and again.
I love them dearly.
My car had a shredded tire and I'm happy it didn't blow out on Aurora and me... or Brett. It went flat yesterday and he's getting a new one put on today.
My mom may take Aurora tomorrow into Thursday but she's not sure. I just want a break sometime in the next couple of weeks. Gosh, that probably sounds bad. We've both been sick. She's getting over it and me... I don't know. My breathing is crappy but I feel fine other than sniffles, cough and sneezes.
The kitchen is still in utter turmoil where I started reorganizing it and had to stop since I was puking from being sick. I must say though, since I'm feeling a good bit better, I'm tackling what I can today. I'm tired of appliances everywhere.
Bathroom floor is not done. I managed to get the cabinet painted while I gave Aurora a bath yesterday. =] I'm happy with that. I'm waiting until Brett will actually watch her and keep her out of the bathroom to get the doors done. O_O
I'm going to have her dip her hands in the dark brown paint and put two handprints on the wall somewhere. My mom agrees that it's a good idea.
It's like that monkey I drew for her in her wall. She knows where that monkey is and it's our secret. It's on a two by four under the dry wall. How she remembers so well where that monkey is, I don't know but I know it's in that spot.
She's got the memory of an elephant it seems.
After lunch and dinner being pancakes yesterday, I just don't want to really eat. Aurora wouldn't eat anything but pancakes. One batch, sprinkle colors in them. Dinner batch, bright green blueberry pancakes.
No pancakes today. I saved her three green ones she can eat as she pleases but I'm not making anymore.
Yeah, right. I'm lying. She's the princess. She's not feeling well. If she wants pancakes, who is going to make them. Yep, me.
I haven't had time to start back up on my workbook and book yet. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm worried that since I've stopped for more than a day, I'll keep putting it off.
I honestly just want to run.
I think that's why I moved to Nashville.
Brett wasn't going to apply to Dell and I convinced him. He wanted to move up here so I could stay with my family and I wouldn't let him.
I wanted out.
Now, I don't want to move but I want to run.
Make sense of that please because I just can't.
I need to go get done. I still have to check on my UC. Later.
04:50 Nov 04 2012
Times Read: 800
I already got my Christmas presents from my mom and stepdad. I got stainless steel pots and pans... Anchor glassware... and three extra sauce pans.
I asked for the stainless steel pots and pans. =] I got the others because my stepdad felt I needed Anchor glassware for my lasagnas and other stuff... and the sauce pans just happened I guess.
Tomorrow. I'm reorganizing my kitchen. =] I want to make it so I have more counter space for mixing, baking, preparing... and room for the tea maker Brett and I had decided to get a few weeks ago since we keep getting sweet tea from the store.
I love chai tea! Like love it. I'm so happy about the tea maker.
I'll be also getting those cans back in the extra cabinet in the bathroom. O_O I'm painting that thing dark brown! I'm tired of it looking dirty from being so old. So it's getting a makeover. =]
Other than that, I'm cleaning Aurora's mess of a room. She has too many toys and more are coming. All the toys from my mom's are joining her other things in her room.
Her vanity, Dora kitchen, and a couple other big things will be added. O_O I have to make room for it all.
Yikes!
Oh and I must remember to give the rat newspaper. She wants it to nest for the winter. Our baby rat. ♥
I'm tired. I'm heading to bed with some Melatonin. I want to get a lot done tomorrow and yet, I've been exploring the world on UC trying to find the limited Halloween creatures. ^_^ I have only 10 left out of the creatures and their stages left to get... out of the original 25. I think I'm making good progress being on dial up getting those things! LMAO! Night!
04:19 Nov 03 2012
Times Read: 811
I've been trying to take a break from the past. How do you exactly do that? I have no clue. I've been thinking about it continuously. I can't shut my mind off of the memories and thoughts.
Its going to sound horrible but I plan on getting myself a deer this season. I'll take a migraine pill after shooting that gun and gutting the deer.
I want to prove to myself I can kill something.
Yeah, I know. That sounds horrible. Gutless to kill a deer. We'll eat it. Trust me. My stepdad will help me cut it up and pack it for the freezer. It'll be a moment between me and him.
But I need to know this for myself. If something were to ever happen, I could defend myself... even if it was as simple as pulling a trigger.
I tried killing J. She was older and heavier than me and I held her off the floor by her neck. My mother stopped me. She knocked me down several times before I would stay down.
I know someone who killed their abuser when they were little. I wish I could have done it.
At least choking J stopped the abuse from continuing. Why didn't my mother ask questions? Seriously. I always had infections, I always had cuts, weird cuts at that, and I always was afraid to sleep where I was supposed to or be left alone with her. Why?
They suspected it. Bullshit. If you suspect your child is being abused in any way, you do something about it.
That statement from my mother pissed me off more than the abuse itself or if she said "I'm sorry, we didn't know."
I need to get off of here.
I don't have to go to an appointment I was dreading.
I hit a McDonalds truck today in their parking lot. I'm horrible at backing up and told the guy to do it or move the delivery truck. He wouldn't and told me he would guide me. He didn't tell me to stop.
My therapist will see me again once I talk to her. I thought she had given up on me. I wonder what she'll say about me trying to heal and face things again. Maybe she'll start those weekly 1 hour - 2 hour sessions like she talked about when we were talking about me working through my past. Will I even feel comfortable talking about it?
Brett buzzed his hair and shaved just so he doesn't remind me of D. That's love. He hates his hair being short. I'm not so afraid of him now. Thank God!
Aurora is being Aurora. She didn't want to go trick-or-treating today. We went to the stores. She drove me nuts. We got some stuff on sale from Halloween. I told her she could have one costume and she wanted four. I told her no. She started throwing a fit, on the floor, screaming, and tearing stuff off the shelf. Screaming "Papa would buy it for me!"
I'm not Papa. He's going to quit buying this child everything if it's the end of me. It may be with him. O_O Damn it! I'm tired of these episodes!
We ordered our ponies we won on Uni. They're just pixels but gosh are they pretty ponies. Once we get ours, we'll post them in my journal over here. I want a smexy pony later on.
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