The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

My stepdad had emergency surgery earlier today. Yep, it was that bad. Past tense.



He'll be healing but he'll be getting better now. The infection he has is horrible though from how my mom said the doctors were talking about it.

COMMENTS

-

---

SuicideDoll
15:52 Jun 01 2013

Best wishes to your stepdad and your entire family.

---

POST COMMENT

My stepdad is in the hospital. He went to the ER yesterday and was admitted last night. He may be getting surgery so I went ahead and cancelled my scope for tomorrow morning because I'm up at my mom's watching my nephew and Aurora.



I'm a bit upset with Brett right now but what else is new? I should never expect him to be able to comfort me in stressful situations anymore.



At least when he say he wasn't helping me much (but he was trying), he gave me his cell so I could talk with Anthony. He even gave me his cell today too. =]



What can I say... I love my Brett Brett. We've been doing better since I ended things but it's got a long way to go.



Anyway, Aurora is really heart broken that Papa is in the hospital. She knows as much as she needs to know. I explained it all to my nephew so he understands. He thought that my stepdad was joking yesterday when he asked him to tie his shoes. That's the type of man my stepdad is... always picking on everyone he likes and loves. Well, my nephew realized how sick he was then.



I don't know what to do. I'm trying to distract the two kids and the cat the best I can while distracting myself.

I'm overwhelmed by emotions with Aurora going to be starting school. I thought I had the summer with her but we made the decision to send her to preschool for two months.



I feel like I'm going to lose it.



I'm terrified of the possibility of my child going through something like I experienced when I was a child.



I don't think I'll have another child just as a way to ensure the past won't repeat for my child.



But when she's out there, without me knowing what is really going on. I just don't want to think about it.



I'm terrified.



I know I would never forgive myself.



I want to keep her sheltered and I know I can't.

I feel pretty good about things right now. I'm determined that no matter what may come to accept it. I'm tired of worrying about Brett and me... of whether it would be Brett and I getting back together or not.



I've explained to him that right now I don't see us getting back together. Most days I don't want to be living with him. I told him that he needs to think about finding a place or plan out what he needs for if he has to move out.



Only my mother and Jared knows I've ended things with him. I've told my stepdad that if he doesn't start shaping up and talking with me to make the situation better, I'm going to end things with him.



I'm exhausted but I'm in a good state. I've got this. If he would leave or if I would tell him to, I've got this under control.



My mom and stepdad are getting a trailer in this summer from a place that will do all of the work. I'm so flippin' happy about that. So if he would leave, I know my mom and stepdad would help with Aurora while I got a job.



I know if I need to, even right now, I can ask Anthony for money with no strings attached.



I walked with Aurora yesterday and there was a cat that followed us home. We gave it some food and some water. We returned it though. We're sure it belongs to someone else.



I didn't walk today because my breathing has been wheezy all day. I've had to use my inhaler twice. My eyes are watery and my nose is running. Allergies. I'm sure of it.



However, I did get in 15 minutes in on my stepper.



And I'm so excited. Like flippin' happy! The cellulite that had been below my butt... it's nearly gone. I have some like indents there from the muscle not developing at the same pace. But yeah... the past three months of trying to work out to where I could has been paying off some. =] My "love handles" are shrinking some too, along with my stomach.



My chest remains the same though. =[



My waistline right now is at 54" but I'm going to measure it again in probably a month.



I'm hoping to get scheduled to see the dietitian soon since my doctor's office hasn't gotten off of their butt.



Aurora's papers are all in order for her to be in kindergarten. She just needs one more shot before the school year starts. She had a fever last time from the UTI she developed. I'm hoping to get that done next week though. She's may still have the UTI since her pee is still cloudy. O_O Reason why we're going in before it gets any worse.



Next week is booked. I don't know if I'm going to be able to go to Bingo on Thursday.



=] I'm happy of my bingo stash. Considering I'm using some of it to take Brett and Aurora to eat or for ice cream and stuff and then getting some things for the house... with holding back most of it in case we (Aurora and I) would need it. I'm really proud of how it's going.



Without Brett living here, at the moment, I would have enough money for two months of bills and all of it is from bingo. ♥



Why do I love going to bingo? Hmm. I get away from Brett and Aurora for a few hours. I get out of the house and around people for a few hours. The cookie jars there are usually about $500-$1000. Yeah, that's right! Since I do my mom's running (to get her coffee, get her tickets, and getting her pads), if she wins on the tickets or at bingo a good amount, she gives me a little to make up for me running even though I don't mind at all. And the last reason should be the first, I love spending the time with my mommy doing something that we both enjoy.



As for what was happening some days ago, it's over. I jumped to assumptions and I can't really say my gut was completely wrong because it really isn't but there's a lot more to it. Any which way, I'm over it. =]



While my mom had Aurora over night, I got her room completely cleaned and carpet scrubbed. I need to get the living room straightened up tomorrow so the next nice day I can scrub the carpet there. And I want to look into getting linoleum for the kitchen. Yep, it'll be paid for with bingo money. =D



I'm going to get ready for bed soon. I'm sitting here in the nude. =] LMAO! Obviously Aurora is asleep and I just kind of felt like being naked. ♥



Oh and I don't know yet when Anthony is coming to see me or when Frankie is heading over this way. Anthony can only stay a couple of days and no clue about my Frankie. I could live with her for like a month with no complaints. ♥___♥

So I've taken a page out of imagesinwords book about walking. She's truly inspiring in her determination. It's a little bit contagious. =]



I've been started to walk again and my breathing has been slowly improving.



Today, Aurora had a dentist appointment and I walked to bingo after. =]



I walked from one end of the town to the other without having any breathing problems whatsoever and only sitting once to get my headphones out of my backpack. =D



I went into the church only to realize it took me less then 30 minutes to walk it all. O_O So I sat down, did a word puzzle, and got tempted to get some food. Funraising food that sounded oh so yummy like cheesecake pops, pizzas, and other good but calorie packing things. So instead of getting anything or watching them unpack it, I went back outside and walked more blocks (three blocks up and three blocks over). =]



Heh, after all that food being sorted and sounding yummy, I didn't get cupcakes with icing... although, I was "bad" in getting a pepperoni roll. So good!



To top off my day, I won $106 tonight! ♥



I'm addicted to bingo at this place. Wanna say something, go ahead. =] I spent $16 and won $106 and had fun.



It's so nice to have a consistent day to get away from the house and Aurora and Brett. It's my day.



♥

I don't know what to make of it. On one hand, he said one thing. I asked him to explain the one part, he did. Now I'm just taking it in, I guess.



I won't punch him. I think. It may be different when I see him again! XD

I swear, if it's only because I do some taboo stuff or want to or whatever, I will punch you in your face.



'Kay? Yeah, 'kay!



I'm not looking forward to your answer.



... Expect the worse out of people and that's what you get.



Please just prove me wrong. Please?

I shouldn't be bothered by this. I know I shouldn't and yet, no matter what I do to distract myself, I am.



I shouldn't want to hear your voice because it's a comfort. I shouldn't feel this excited to see you when you come here to see us. I shouldn't want to kiss you because I still want to work on my relationship with Brett. I shouldn't want to sleep beside you just to be comforted in the middle of the night.



I shouldn't want these things from you. At least I can say I've thought about you in the past. I've either called you or wanted to when there were problems in my relationship or when things happened.



This is confusing. Maybe I should just leave everything alone. With you. With Brett. And just deal with myself on my own.

I'm struggling with my past. I'm struggling with everything. I feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts at time. I'm so confused about so much of what I'm feeling. I want to cut and almost broke down to the point of doing so the other day but pulled myself back. I'm proud of myself. I reached out to a person that means the world to me and also found out how much people care about me on Uni.



It felt good to talk to A about things for a couple of hours this evening. Someone who actually asks me questions to make me think about why I feel the way I do and what happened and why I think it did.



I know some of why it's coming up right now but it doesn't make it any easier.



I told him a lot tonight and in my opinion he should have ran the hell away from me but I think he has a better understanding of me and my thought pattern.



I want a hug from Osman right now. I miss him.



Anyways, I'm planning on making my workbook a priority again. I always start working in it, start feeling better and then stop doing it. I guess I really need to stick with it even though it scares me.



I hate talking to Brett about my past or thoughts anymore. He doesn't listen and I feel like I'm wasting my breath. He never makes me think about it anymore even when I'm having nightmares and need to talk. We've grown apart. I should be having these conversations with him but when is he going to find the time?



A has a full time job and does things on the side too and he has time for me. Brett and I live in the same house and only works three days out of the week and has classes on four days... why can't he make the time?



I guess it's saying a world about Brett's motivation on things. I wish I could help him but he doesn't seem like he wants to help himself.



I'm tired of him trying just enough so it scratches the surface of a huge globe. There's a few scratches in the tarnished finish... that should be enough, right? Yeah, no. It's not. Not anymore at least.



I don't want to be in a relationship that isn't healthy just because I love someone. Love isn't enough to make it work. I'm definitely finding that out.



I think Jeff's advice to me was the wisest I've ever gotten on relationships. I owe him for it.

I know I could feel so much more for you if I let myself. It's crazy. This is crazy.



I feel guilty about talking to you all the time because I want to work on things with Brett and there you are. I love talking with you. I relate to you a lot more then Brett anymore.



It's not like this is a new friendship or interest you and I have... even when I was pregnant in Nashville, you stopped by just to check on me when Brett was at work and stuff.



I'm sure my stepdad and mom think something already happened between you and I but they're wrong. Completely wrong. You and I haven't even kissed, let alone anything else.



I hate how guilty I feel right now. I feel like I'm cheating on Brett or something. Honestly, I'm not. I ended things. I'm not going to do anything when he comes and visits. Although depending on how it goes, Aurora and I might take a trip down to TN for a weekend to go to the big zoo and stuff if I save the money.



It weirded me out a bit because my stepdad in the car the other day told me he would let me take Aurora down to TN but I better not try to take her to England. O_O I take it as that's his way of telling me that Aurora and I won't be cut out of the will if I would move with her down to TN if I would get into a relationship with him.



I know I'm frustrated with Brett. He doesn't want to find the time to talk with me about us or anything. I'm tired of waiting for him to find the time for me and Aurora. It's stupid when I think about how much time he spends listening to books and music on his cell phone or playing games, watching movies, or reading books on his laptop. I'm tired of waiting.



He needs to decide what's important to him. I obviously can't make the decision for him.



At least A knows I'm now not really going to message him on FB or call him now. So if he wants to talk to me, he gets to take that step.



I'm happy to know I made him feel better today. That makes me smile. =]

Um Brett just pointed out people probably assume my journal entry is about an ex. IT IS NOT!



Oh gosh, I didn't think about that! LMAO! I'm not starting any drama on here. I rarely talk to people on here anymore. I keep up with journals, talk to a select few, and write in my journal. O_O That is it.

Do not message him. Do not call him. Do not message him. Do not call him. Do not message him. Do not call him. Do not message him. Do not call him. Do not message him. Do not call him.



It's silly that I want to talk to him this damn much, especially since I'm feeling crappy. O_O I'm not in a relationship with him. I'm trying to sort out things with Brett. I need to take a step back. He'll be there. I know he will be. He's been there for almost seven years, always interested. I doubt he's going anywhere now.



I don't think I'm right for him. I told him as such. I think I'm too immature for him and hell, I've got too many issues.



He freaked a little the other night when I broke and was talking to Frankie. I was too absorbed in talking to her that I didn't think about my reply to him when he asked me about what I was talking about with "contract." I feel bad about that.



Anyway, I need to work on things with Brett. We need to set boundaries and goals for this thing we're trying to save.



I'm trying to be optimistic but right now it seems rather bleak. I have to try to stay positive while still feeling my emotions. I need to decide for myself when it's going to be time to step down and say enough is enough if that limit is breached.



On another note, while changing my bandaid and cleaning my nose today... my face looks weird without that mole. O_O

My nose is killing me. I got one of the areas removed today and it's sent in for testing. Of course it wouldn't quit bleeding so he had to cauterize it. O_O



I also have a skin infection. Weird...



And I see him in two weeks to see if the medicine he gave me for the infection is clearing up, the lab results if they came back, and to possibly get the other area removed.



I can honestly say I almost chickened out. Plus once I get this other one removed, I really hope I never ever have to experience being cauterized again! =]

COMMENTS

-

---

SuicideDoll
14:30 May 09 2013

Best wishes. I hope you feel better soon.

---

DireConsequences
03:37 May 10 2013

Thank you Adam! It doesn't hurt as much as it did this morning but I can't believe I grabbed my nose when waking up either! LMAO!

---

POST COMMENT

I feel crappy tonight. Like horribly crappy. I feel like I've crashed today. I've been trying to motivate myself and got a lot done... but it just isn't what I've been doing on a regular basis.



I suck.



This sucks.



I think what sucks more is I reached out to someone and I feel ignored. I hate that feeling more then anything. I never used to but since about 2008, I definitely have.



There's nothing worse then feeling invisible.



I'm struggling. I've overate tonight and I feel sick to my stomach. Big surprise, huh? I'm such a genius.



I think I should opt for getting my bath in the morning when I'm hopefully not feeling like this anymore.



In good news... I'm thinking of talking with Frankie about designing me a tattoo for me to possibly get while she's here. If I do, it's getting to be something for Courtney.



I wonder if I'll be able to get the money saved in time and if I'll have the guts to get one. O_O

I'm not looking forward to my appointment tomorrow. O_O The areas on my nose have grown quite a bit the past few years. Heck, in the past year, they've almost doubled in size! They're blotchy with white spots. The one has bled a couple of times from the top. Plus the inside of my nose is hurting really bad and I've been having occasional nose bleeds.



Not normal.



Considering my allergies are going insane from it being spring... I need to just go get it checked out.



I really hate to say this but... looks like it's my time to be the big baby.



My nose has hurt so bad at night a few times that I couldn't sleep and just cried from the pain trying to read a book or play games. Just something to try to keep my mind off of it.



Yesh, that bad.



So I'm doing something about it.



I think the most he/she will do tomorrow about it is take a scraping. That makes me feel better. =]



Oh Aurora says she's a Godmother. We've been watching a nest on our porch. Since 7:46 pm yesterday, there are four new birds in the world. Cute, fuzzy little robins. =D Aurora is their Godmother because according to her "everyone needs a Godmother to make things fair."



... I guess she has a GodPapa? Not sure! LMAO!

Anthony has offered to help me get a whole pony outfit if I reach my goal weight.



And ekkk! He's going to give me cooking lessons when he comes up. I'm excited. No one has taught me how to cook anything in depth since my daddy died. I miss it. I'm going to love learning how to do muffins from scratch since mine are always horrible when I tried.



Oh and I've grown some balls with my mother! Miss Francesca gets to stay here when she comes to visit even though my mom knows I've been crushing on her for YEARS! LMAO!



I think I made the best argument ever...



I told her she knew I would end up with a girl sooner or later. Would she rather I dated a chick who is local who can tell everyone everything or one that I like from overseas that at most I would see at most twice a year!



Nice, huh? How could my uptight mother disagree with that?



The hernia of my stomach is acting up and being painful. I didn't realize it until the doctor pushed there. I just know I've been have heartburn more often which is setting my asthma off. And I've been puking when I get out of breath. Anyway, I get an upper scope on the 1st to see if it's getting worse or it is from the weight I've put on over the years.

Oh and my newest obsession is pony girls. I adore the boots. I want a pair. Hell, I'm about to save to get a whole outfit when I reach my goal weight. Yep, that would motivate me.



If I get a pony outfit, I'll definitely fly someone in to take pictures of me in it but they won't be posted on here for sure. XD That would be plain DUMB.



I've been thinking about looking into exploring BDSM. I just don't have a clue where I stand given the past. I guess you could say I can spook very easily. LOL!

I can't believe how amazingly weird things can get so quickly. Anthony is going to be coming to visit and I can't wait. We're making no plans for when he's up here so it'll just be on a whim to go do something.



And then later this year sometime, she's going to possibly come visit me. *screams* I'm so freakin' excited that I don't think excited covers it. Anthony said he would give me the money so she could come. Oh my gosh, if she needs it to see me, I owe him so much and he's not worried about the money. What the heck? I've never met someone like him.



The more positive I become, everything is coming together. It's weird. Nothing lines up for me. Courtney and I were going to go see MCR many times and something always happened to my car. It's become a pattern... even more so since I've had Aurora because I always have to back out of plans I've made.



I can't believe this is happening. My mom and stepdad don't care if Anthony stays here. Hell, he housed my car in TN for months without charging me, took me to IHop when I was pregnant multiple times, and lots of other stuffs. It's nice to have someone like him in my life who doesn't expect something in return and then there he is trying to do things for me and I won't let him cause I don't want to feel obligated to pay him back or whatever. I don't like feeling like I owe someone.



And dude, my deer soup I made yesterday was the best yet. Oh my gosh, so good!



I guess this summer we're going to Atlantic City, Washington, D.C., and Pittsburgh Zoo with my mom, stepdad and nephew... Aurora and I that is since Brett's working and there's not enough room in the car.



We went to Sugarcreek on Friday. Aurora doesn't understand why anyone would want a plain dress without any Hello Kitties or Princesses or nothing pretty on it. She's so adorable. I love going there and seeing the Amish, Mininite (sp?) and normal people all merged into one community. It's amazing to see.



I have to admit, I'm so confused that it's unbelievable. The only person that doesn't make me nervous is a woman I utterly adore and given my past, she should be the one I'm most afraid to be around since we're both attracted to each other. That's not the case.



I'm so torn. Heck, I don't do good in these situations or I don't think I do. I started dating Brett right after Tommy butchered my heart with his high school crush or whatever she was to him. When I was having so many problems with Brett and they just started getting better, I started that V relationship with Tony and Brett. Big mistake there. And now, I've ended things with Brett but we're on a level playing field now in whatever this is. We're joking, laughing, spending some time together and actually listening more to what the other has to say. Yet, I can't see trying a relationship with him again. I've had feelings for this girl almost immediately after meeting her and they've definitely grown over the years. We've talked about meeting and getting together so many times that it doesn't seem to be real that it might just be happening this year. And then there's Anthony. He's older then me but it's about the same age difference my mom and dad had so it's not that dang bad. It still makes me hesitate. I feel like I'm too immature for him and yet he doesn't see it for sure. We're always joking and stuffs and I know my idea of what a relationship should be is a lot closer to what he sees it as. I don't plan on anything happening while he's here. He knows I'm trying to save whatever is left of my relationship with Brett. Heck, he never thought that Brett and I would end. It's insane that he's going to see the huge difference in Brett and me from when he knew us in Nashville. It's like we were both completely different people. I honestly don't know anymore how I feel about Anthony but I'm not doing anything for a long, long while. I'm determined about that.



I hate that I don't know what's coming in the next year or two. It makes me unsure about everything and more. But at least I know no matter what, Aurora and I will be okay for sure.



Oh and the property is going to be split up between me, Aurora, and my two nephews I guess but not sure. I know they're leaving more money to the grandkids then me and that's how it should be for sure! I'm not upset by it. I would be upset if my mom left her property to my nephew who never met my dad but since she's talking about leaving it to my brat baby, all is well in my eyes.



Yeah, my thoughts have been everywhere. O_O Go figure!

I think I'm actually doing good. I can't wait for Anthony to come up to see us. Aurora is doing better and has her screening on the 21st. I've been doing spring cleaning. It's a long. slow process right now. I got an upper respiratory infection where I'm on my second ZPac and still bring up gray gunk. O_O Not fun. I'm starting to feel better though.



I think I'm going to get my hair cut next week. I don't think I'm going to Bingo this week. And I can't wait for my nephew to be up here. I'm hoping to see how much Anthony's family wants for the minivan but I'm sure about getting it. I know my stepdad is going to find time to work on the one car for me to use to take Aurora to the bus stop and stuffs.



Oh my gosh, I can't wait for my mom and stepdad to move out here and yet, I'm frustrated about it. In the Spring and Summer months, we have total privacy. I've gone out in the nude to lay in the sun when Aurora was napping and Brett and I have even had sex out there in the wide open. It feels nice and odd at the same time. =[ And yet, that's about to go.



As for me, I need to really make some decisions. I've got to figure out what I'm going to do about so much. Everything I make a decision on is going to affect Aurora and that scares me.



I haven't made the best decisions in the past. Hell, dating Tony while being with Brett is probably the main one. So I'm worried about my own judgment.



And there's my mom and stepdad... they're rooting for me to give Anthony a chance. O_O Like what the fuck? I honestly think him and I are a bit more compatible in our ideas of what all the roles should be in a relationship. I want someone who will take care of himself, be able to listen, be able to get things finished when it is asked, and what to step up and "be a man." Brett just doesn't do that most times. I'm not used to seeing that. Even my uncles have done whatever it took to provide for their families, whether the woman they were with had a job or not. Even if it meant hauling junk, doing odd jobs, or collecting cans. I just want someone with some kind of determination and hell, someone who can make me laugh and smile.



I hate that it had been 11 days since Anthony's last phone call with me and I finally ended that time by calling him today. I'm weak. LMAO!



I'm just confused. Anthony says he'll move up here but if he does, he won't take no for an answer. Like I would seriously take a decision like that lightly! I'm not ready to give up on Brett. My mom knows that. Anthony knows that. And hell, I think my stepdad has caught on to me ending things with Brett even though we've been trying to keep up with appearances... and that I just want to stick with it for a while longer to give it a chance.



I'm still not set up with the dermatologist and dietitian. It frustrates me. I'm calling tomorrow about it.



I'm trying to lose the weight. I've been becoming more active. Right now, I'm getting worn out easily and my ribs/chest hurts from the infection. I'm hoping to get a corset for Christmas but only if I reach my goal. ♥ If I lose the weight I want to, for my birthday next year or for Summer, I may get pin-up pictures done. I've always wanted to do it with Courtney and I sure as hell will do it once in my life! =D In memory of my Court Court and all of our fun times.



I love how Aurora sees pictures of Courtney and she says "That's mommy's angel." It makes me tear up. She knows it's my best friend who died even though she was younger then mommy.



God, I want to do some things in memory of my Court. I miss her so, so damn much. I really wish I could talk to her right now.



I need to get some friends around here. I'm not even sure I know how to connect with people in person any more. I can't go to Yesterday's anymore since they got closed down. I like Melinda but I just don't like talking with her because every conversation goes to her asking about Tyler to report back to his dad. Awkward!



I'm a lonely Tiffy.



Haha! I just thought of something. Maybe Anthony will get me some smexy outfits and whatnot if I model them for him! LMAO! I *AM* kidding! LMAO!



Although I would love to get some smexy teddies or something just for me to wear to feel good and stuffs. All women should have those kinds of things. *nods*