Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
19 entries this month
I've Condemned Myself as a WHORE!
21:08 May 29 2008
Times Read: 961
I've got a load of Aurora's clothes in the washer.
I've gotten the trash picked up.
... the D&D stuff put away.
I'm bitching and ranting as I go.
I have Brett looking at work for one of the industrial tape recorders so I can record what's on my mind as it comes.
That way he gets to know what's there more.
I won't hold frustration in anymore.
If I feel like talking or writing but can't do it because of Aurora...
IT WON'T STOP ME ANYMORE!!!
Woohoo! I'm happy about that.
I know it will improve my mood a lot to get what's on my mind off.
I will be able to rant while cleaning or taking care of Aurora with him being about to hear what I said even though he isn't here.
That means a lot to me.
He knows I'm cleaning. He knows I'm pissed off at him...
He knows D&D might be canceled this Sunday because of him not cleaning... AT ALL!
He's just really supposed to pick up after himself... and do the dishes.
I can't really stand doing dishes anymore because I can't stand that long. My legs give out after a while.
I've been falling more lately.
That reminds me... I need to call my doctor tomorrow. He's not in today.
I'm going to harass the mental health place to get myself in to see someone.
I'm going to harass Great Lakes to deal with my loan... before it goes into default.
I have a lot of things to do and yet... I'm wasting precious time while Aurora's asleep writing in my journal instead of cleaning.
Why?
Why have I been getting so distracted lately. I can't start something and see it through without something distracting me.
What's wrong with me? That's what I keep on thinking anymore.
Brett says there's nothing wrong with me. But my behavior's off.
I don't even want to get up in the mornings... even to spend time with him.
I just want to sleep the mornings away and get up when I have to and face the pain. It hurts to get up. It hurts anymore to move... to go get something to eat... to make it to the bathroom... even to stand in the shower...
Heck, there has been many times within the past month alone that I've taken a shower while sitting on a chair because I couldn't stand... and I felt dirty... filthy... couldn't stand myself...
I get in the shower... turn the hot water on... and feel it on my skin...
Last night I got out of the shower... I wanted to cut. I haven't had that urge so badly for a while... a long while.
I just... right now, I feel like a whore. I feel filthy. I feel like I cheated on Brett. I'm ashamed that I'm addicted to sex. I'm ashamed that it's always on my mind. I'm ashamed of my thoughts in general.
I yelled at Brett the other night. He made a comment and I snapped. I yelled about my past... about what was on my mind...
He doesn't like that I can just admit what I fear... what I hate... that I remember my nightmares... that I'm willing to talk.
He can't do that.
It makes it more real to me... to say it aloud.
I want to disappear right now.
I'm going to clean. Anyone who reads this, make what you want out of it. It doesn't matter to me. You'll probably assume what you want anyway.
I've already condemned myself as a whore.
And you know the weird thing?
I always wanted to be a whore. Since I was about 12 years old... about a year after I started self-harming. I just didn't think I would ever have the balls to even let someone touch me.
Brett changed that.
He scares me. He makes me feel like I can do anything... and for me that's dangerous. I need a leash. I need someone to tell me "no, you're not allowed to do that." I know I need it.
He wants to do what I've always wanted to do.
That scares me.
You know want scares me ever more?
The fact that I've started into it...
And you know what?
I LIKE IT!
It's not me that has the problems now... it's Brett.
I took control. I made it happen. Yeah, I feel like I cheated... yeah, I feel like a whore... I've been comparing myself to my ex-boyfriend and some family members... yeah, I wasn't drunk or intoxicated at all...
But I did it! I did it! I actually had the nerve to do what I wanted to without thinking about what I was going to do...
About the consequences...
I think this is the beginning of my past taking control of me...
I know it is.
I've tried to stop it and to lock the door but it looks like I've failed... miserably!
If I start doing this... it doesn't matter that my mom's my mom...
I know I'm going to have to find some place else to live...
Not because of her... but because of the man she married.
This is his property... we rent our side.
Yeah I could be a bitch... but I won't be.
I need to think about what I'm doing.
I want people's opinions on this... I really do.
But like others' I'm afraid of being judge, but I've already judged myself worse than anyone from this site could do...
Just a warning... this entry might become private later today...
Nap/Cleaning Time
20:03 May 29 2008
Times Read: 966
*looks at Aurora*
Aren't you supposed to be taking a nap?
I'm supposed to be cleaning. You're supposed to be napping.
It's that time of the day and I actually have the motivation to clean...
And someone isn't cooperating.
*starts humming and rocking Aurora*
Please go night night. I know you had a bad day with shots and all.
It'll be okay. I won't leave the room.
Just take your nap and I'll get this room done.
*Aurora's eyes are closing and her bottom lip quivering*
Silence and time.
Now to clean...
Joy, joy!
Questions Unanswered
01:03 May 29 2008
Times Read: 975
What the fuck am I doing? Is this really me? Should I even let it happen again? Or just stop it now?
Fuck, what did I do to my relationship with Brett? Did I do something good by doing this or something that might just very well have the potential of ending our relationship?
Why the hell did he turn jealous? Why did I say fuck it and threw myself into the situation? Why and how did I actually come to the point of not caring how Brett felt?
I said fuck it. I admit I did. I decided that night if something I did was going to end me and Brett that I was going to have fun doing it.
And I did...
He keeps on trying to brush it off as nothing... I know he's not comfortable with himself. I told him that he may believe he is but I know he's not. I know it just by his body language and his voice when we talk about it all.
Why did I do it? It wouldn't have happened yet if I didn't make the moves... I did it... I made it happen...
I still can't believe exactly what happened...
Court can't believe I wasn't drunk...
I can't either...
I feel filthy no matter how many hot showers I take. I've been scrubbing myself like crazy just wanting to feel clean again.
Why do I have to be addicted?
And why can't my Brett Brett just cooperate with something he said time and time again he's wanted to do with me?
Haha!
20:00 May 28 2008
Times Read: 984
He told Brett that he thinks I'm controlling.
Now, that's just funny!
I wonder who I know that knows the truth...
I was never controlling before I went to Nashville. Brett not picking up after himself, the bills not getting paid on time, and him spending money like a girl is what made me controlling in the first place.
In all honesty...
I think I freaked him out by taking control while being on bottom.
I don't like being on top.
The Night of the 25th
19:12 May 27 2008
Times Read: 1,002
It's insane.
I had his permission.
We had rules set in place.
Everything went good.
But I feel like I cheated on Brett.
It's not happening again until Brett deals with some issues...
Maybe that's one reason why I feel like I cheated.
I don't know but I wish my mind would shut up.
02:49 May 25 2008
Times Read: 1,007
*Contains pictures of the one and only Jare-Bear!*
I just... I don't want to be me today.
I feel like I'm back in high school with my mood swings today.
Brett thinks he did something wrong.
He didn't do anything though.
*smiles*
Me Brett Brett is crushin' on me Jare-Bear!
It's so cute! I still have a crush on that boy! I wonder if he notices... LOL!
Tehe! I missed Jared! I'm happy I get to see him now that I moved back to the valley. I don't think he knows how much he's helped me out.
I'm Doing a Little Better
22:23 May 22 2008
Times Read: 1,024
I'm feeling a lot better since Brett and I went to Niguna's for movie night.
We watched "Good Luck Chuck," "Diary of the Dead," and (Niguna and I watched) "Atonement."
I actually spent most of the morning just talking to Niguna, which was a nice change.
Brett and I haven't been getting to talk as much lately.
But I talked to him about my dad, family, my depression, my anxiety, Courtney, Jared and a whole bunch of other things.
I'm becoming more relaxed around him. It's kind of strange...
Probably not going to talk to him until Sunday though because then it's D&D night.
My Court Court01:24 May 21 2008
Times Read: 1,040
I said I would write this entry later, and I guess it's later.
I love her. She's the girl I've always had a crush on but never thought, even now, that I was or am good enough for her. She's beautiful.
I don't know why I avoid her sometimes. She always get the short end of the straw. She was born with medical problems and she finally got her kidney transplant in '05.
She got to experience life some. Then she went blind.
She always has the problems medically.
She's loving and kind. But she can be annoying sometimes. She can guilt trip like anyone else, take her anger out on someone, and place her problems on you. But I love and care about her all the same.
I miss her lots. I haven't seen her in months. I hadn't talked to her for a few weeks.
I called her today. Turns out she had surgery last week and was in the hospital for six days.
We're back on talking terms and are trying to just keep moving forward in our friendship.
I like her a lot!
She's the only girl that makes me feel comfortable. She can make me feel like all problems are nothing and calm me down. She's the only girl right now that I could really see something happening between me and her.
She's offered me some fun... She's wanted me to kiss her and everything else.
I want to. But I can't. She's too good for me. I don't want to risk our friendship.
The battles in my head about her make me disappear on her from time to time. Stop talking all together. I don't know how to explain that to her. It makes me feel like I have secrets from her though, destructive secrets.
I'm calling her again here in a little bit. I've missed talking to her. Just hearing her voice.
Brett's told me time and time again that if I want a girlfriend, he doesn't care as long as he knows.
I just... I love her.
And I don't use that word lightly concerning people.
Before she started dying her hair:
Her with long dark red hair:
Her with short red hair:
Her with dreads:
Her last year:
And most recent, basically within the past few months (Bad Quality):
Tomorrow Night
22:05 May 20 2008
Times Read: 1,043
Tomorrow night, we're going to possibly stay at Niguna's place.
Watching movies with him, so this might prove to be interesting. Brett and him will probably end up playing M:tG again. He's actually a challenge for him at the game and Brett loves that! LOL!
I don't know a lot of things lately. I don't know exactly what's going to happen in the near future.
The only thing I really know is that Brett and I are stronger then ever and being open with each other about how we feel.
How could that possibly be a bad thing?
Before we go though, Aurora has an appointment to get shots, I have a WIC appointment, and we might stop off and see Courtney. I will make an entry explaining that situation later, but I am calling her again later tonight. I still love her insanely.
Wow, if I did anything with any girl in this damn valley... it would be with her. I trust her a ton already. We both like each other... like Brett said the other night, what the hell is stopping us?
It's me. I stop the situation every time. I am not comfortable with being bi.
I haven't been since I was little. I've made out with girls since then but that's it. Nothing too serious. And I actually cared about a couple of them enough to date them but I always stopped it.
I hurt some of them just to make myself feel safe.
God, Court's right... I am fucked up.
Now, I'm crying so I'm stopping this entry. Later.
Consideration Continued...
19:55 May 20 2008
Times Read: 1,051
The second rule:
No one pushes anyone's limits before they know and understand the limits.
This comes into effect because Brett and I know some of our limits but not all of them.
But with each other, we know the other's body language, when to push the limits, and when to stop.
We know each other enough to do this.
But I'm going to know anyone else's limits and they're not going to know mine.
This is going to make me feel awkward and I know it.
If I want to do it, I can...
If I don't, I'm not obligated to...
Simple, right?
Consideration...
19:04 May 19 2008
Times Read: 1,069
The number one rule:
Who ever is in the relationships at the beginning are still in them at the end.
I can do this if I want. Brett and I had already talked about it before last night. I don't know if I'm going to let it happen or not. It all basically depends on me.
I like him. I feel comfortable around him. I can talk to him. I can even be myself around him.
But at the end of all of this, I don't want to have hurt my Brett Brett.
Reply to Brett *I think it's too long for a comment*
18:12 May 17 2008
Times Read: 1,079
Yeah, Brett, but we never get the chance to talk. Every time I try to seriously sit down and talk with you, something comes up, Aurora starts crying, the phone rings, or someone knocks on the door. It's insane sometimes to just sit back while you're at work and think of how much conversation we had that morning... and it's almost none. We get to talk some at night and a lot in the car... but that's really where it all comes into play. We have to talk and stay on subject if we're to figure it all out. I can't sort this one out on my own because you're involved too and so is Aurora. So it really isn't fair for me to sort it all out and take away so much time from things for you and her, now is it?
I know we're in the Catch 22 right now. Take time away from one thing and it still doesn't work for us. Add time to something else and it doesn't work. Hell, set time aside for us and it doesn't work anymore.
You've seen how much D&D has helped both of us within the past couple of weeks. Just escaping reality for a little bit, I think... but mostly a lot of my thoughts. I don't really care to skip out on D&D night but there really isn't much time to work with when it comes to us.
I want us to start doing things together though. I don't care what. We even get laughs from us playing DDR together or watching movies. I think I'm going to start us watching a movie again every night. Heck, I'm thinking about condemning us to the floor when we do. I miss that in Nashville! LOL!
I'm worried that we're going to start losing our grasp on our relationship. I keep on getting those terrified feelings of you leaving me for some reason or another.
But when we're together... I forget about all of it. I feel safe when in your arms. I feel content. Yet, something always happened shortly after that one of us have to get up. I feel almost abandoned when you have to go to work. That's so not healthy for me, you, or Aurora. But I never really felt that way before... at least not to this extreme.
I feel horrible most the time. I feel rejected sometimes and can't figure out why.
Like I pointed out last night, it feels like we're always competing with each other and don't even know what we're after. You said that it might be for the control of the relationship. But I'm still unsure of what it could be and I don't know if that's it.
And last night was the first time in a long time that you actually let me get away with poking fun at my weight and body. It's a nice change for once... not being corrected or lectured when stating something about my own body.
I'm getting muscles back in my arms and legs. I'm losing inches off of my thighs which makes me happy as heck! I've been working out the mommy way! The only problem is I'm not getting my stomach. I'm trying some new things because it seems like no matter what exercise I do to get my stomach, it hurts my legs, hips, or back... and I can't have that.
I am losing weight though!
But that was the first time in forever since you let me poke fun at myself without a word being said. I don't know if you noticed it or not.
But back to us...
I wouldn't even mind if we spent some time together working out the mommy way. LOL!
It can be the daddy way too, especially since you've been seeing the results on me.
You always said even when you were in job corps that you wanted to get your muscles back! This could be your chance... along with spending time with me and your daughter all at the same time.
I just want some of your time. *sniffles*
19:31 May 16 2008
Times Read: 1,093
I'm stuck. The situation needs to change. I don't know how but it does. I'm working on figuring it out.
I'm depressed. I need to clean. I need to move. I need to exercise.
Everyday I do the same things. I wake up with Brett and help with Aurora. He goes to work. I stay home. Aurora gets insanely fussy and then takes a nap for a little. I get frustrated during her fussy spells. I try to clean and she wakes up during the middle of it. I play with her trying to calm her down and get her tummy time, story time, and walker time all in before Brett gets home.
Plus some kind of exercise for me. I've been getting some of my muscles back finally. I've missed them. I can hold Aurora lots now but it hurts my back to try to do everything while holding her.
After Brett gets home, we/he plays video games for about 30 minutes. He plays with Aurora. We talk about D&D usually for a little. And then I feel overwhelmingly tired and go to bed. He takes care of Aurora during the night so I can get some sleep.
Then we wake up about 8 or 9 in the morning and start it all again.
*sighs*
Something needs to change. I can't keep doing this. I'm depressed.
I'm trying to make it so Brett and I can spend some time together. I think that's my major problem. I don't care about going places. Right now I would rather stay home instead around people... even friends. I look forward to D&D night, just to escape from myself.
I've gone down from 224 lbs to 205.5 lbs in three days because I haven't been keeping all of my food down but I have been eating. I'm starting on a bland diet again because of my stomach problems. Hopefully it will help me out. Most of my food will consist of ham, grilled cheese, toast with butter, potato soup, beans and ham, hot dogs, lots of noodles, and ice cream... and lots of fruit.
Where's that watermelon?!
I lost a lot of weight on eating that food in Nashville and my stomach did a lot better. Stomach pains are my weakness. I can't stand them. Along with pain in my feet/legs.
Down in Nashville, I went from 200 lbs to 170 lbs in a few months. I want to get back down to that.
My goal is 160. Brett knows it. It's the average for my height and age. I don't care if it's not skinny. I don't want to be skinny. It's not me. So not me. I want to be healthier.
I need to get happy. I need my confidence back. I need to spend time on me. I need to exercise. I need to spend some time with Brett. Wow, I need to do a lot of things.
Maybe I will look into getting a treadmill from the Green Tab... or possibly a rowing machine. I always like using those.
It's too cold to go for walks with Aurora right now. I can't wait until we can start them up again. I want to walk. Hell, I want to go to Egypt Valley and just walk around... maybe bring me home a kitty cat. LOL!
But I need to do something.
Still no news on my appointments. I might be calling my doctor's office today or Monday. I hate how they schedule your appointments for you. They don't know when you have things planned for, do they? Hell, what if Brett and I were planning on getting married the day they want me in Morgantown? Would I be expected to change it all? LOL!
Aurora got her pictures taken today. Brett and I have to pay some on them since my mom covered for us today. He gets paid on Monday though. So that's the good news.
I want to cheer up. I want to be happy.
It's kind of sad. Even when Brett and I were in Nashville living with eight other people in our apartment and he worked at Dell, we still had our time together... even if he worked over-time.
I just want to be able to sleep with him at night... all night. To cuddle up and feel safe and secure. Not like in a moment's glance, he could be taken away from me.
I want us to start doing things together again.
I want Nashville back. I don't know what parts... maybe all of it. I love Aurora insanely but right now, I just want a day with Brett. That's it... a day. Is that too much to ask for?
When I have to go for my Morgantown appointment, we're going to see if his dad wants to meet us at the hospital. They live like two hours away. It would give his dad and step-mom a chance to meet me and spend some time with Aurora while I was seeing the doctor. I would feel bad though because I will be a nervous wreck more than usual.
*Wow, this is the longest I have written in a while, I think. I know I have been trying to write again. It makes everything seem smaller, maybe more realistic to me. In my mind, it's hard to see things straight at most times.*
What's Going to Happen?
21:11 May 14 2008
Times Read: 1,109
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. Now I'm off to the doctor for my heel-cords and another for my depression and anxiety problems.
*sighs* I'm hoping not to have to get surgery.
Aurora's almost crawling and I might have to be in casts for three months. Brett's working 6 days a week. And I defiantly won't be able to even help take care of my own baby for a week at the very least.
How is this going to work? My mom and Grandmama said they will help watch her when he's at work.
My mom's going to try to take off if I do have to get surgery since I won't be able to even stand for a few days.
I'm scared. This is why I didn't want to go to see my doctor.
I don't want to go to my appointment in Morgantown when they schedule it. I really don't.
The bad thing is I can't really keep on letting my heel-cords yet worse and worse. I'm hoping they will be able to schedule me physical therapy up here and leave it at that.
I need to stop walking on my toes. I need to stop. I have to stop. I have no choice. If it keeps on happening I'm going to do more damage to my back, hips, knees and ankles.
They told me that it might start happening again... I guess they weren't kidding.
Nice!
20:02 May 08 2008
Times Read: 1,124
There's no pressure in our D&D campaign. No pressure at all! LOL!
It's kind of sad. Right now Brett is hoping that I pull everything together within the campaign.
We went to play last night and were playing until 4 in the morning.
They faced a CR 2 White Dragon Wyrmling.
Alright, it shouldn't have been so hard for the three of them.
(I wasn't playing last night).
Brett was hinting and everything else for them to use the torches or candles they had. No one picked up on it.
I wanted to scream at them! They were doing stupid moves considering the fire damage would have done massive damage considering it's a cold creature.
*sighs* If they didn't get that... I don't know how this campaign is going to go. I know they're new to it but come on!
One of them is trying to blame dyslexia. It doesn't work that way though. He only tried using that excuse to cover up the stupidity and even harder things to grasp, he gets. So yeah... and he understands what he's reading almost all the time.
I mix up letters and words, I have problems reading, I have problems comprehending, and heck, so does Brett sometimes... a lot more than me most of the time except for lately...
But using it as an excuse?!?!
That kind of made me irritated.
What pissed me off more is that while Brett was planning out the dragon they were going to face, they were fighting each other in an arena. The half-orc barbarian and human fighter that is. And Brandon, the human fighter, was adding points that didn't exist to his checks and everything else.
I wanted Brett to call him out on it. He didn't. It didn't matter.
They didn't really get much for it.
They had to do something while in town for a week. I've been crafting weapons and armor from a Yeti and Frost Salamander for that whole time.
So yay! My four kitty cats that are my animal companions have scale armor now from the bottoms of the Frost Salamander's feet! Plus I have some enchanted weapons too!
*sticks tongue out at the three others* GO ME!
I swear they don't like me playing because I'm a girl. They were so shocked when they heard I was playing. What the fuck! I'm a girl so I can't play D&D?
Is that too much of a challenge for them? To compete with a girl that is...
Wow, guys are too immature.
I wish Brandi was here. She really knows what she's doing and would shock the piss out of them all!
But Brett's depending on me to make this game good. He knows I know more then them even though I'm new to the game.
I asked him last night if he's going to give me my side quest where I get a little bit more experience then them if he's planning on me resurrecting about eight people/characters/creatures later on. I'm going to need them to level up to where I can.
I don't know what he's planning for me.
*sighs* I don't know anything.
I'm working on a project for him though to help him out DMing. It's a DMB, a Dungeon Master's Binder. It will be set up the way he wants the information to be. He's having problems remembering where everything is in the multiple books we have.
I might write more later, Aurora just woke from her nap...
Trying Times
19:21 May 05 2008
Times Read: 1,135
Sadly, it is true about the economy.
Brett and myself have pawned a lot of our things in Nashville to struggle to get them back.
Gas prices are eating us all alive around here. He's making $6.80/hr and $8.50/hr when he works 40+ hours. But the cost of gas for the month, rent, car payment, car insurance, and other bills go over what we get in income.
That's one of the main reasons why he is looking into getting into the schooling for the mines around here.
The only thing I would never pawn or sell is my Dad's ring. It's worth a lot but I would never be able to look at myself afterwards.
The cities are a lot worse though. Nashville was harder then where we're living now. But around here it's hard to even get a job, let alone make good money to have a little extra.
If he goes into the mine, we're planning on going to the family owned businesses around here more then the companies. It will keep some of the money in the area and hopefully help them out a little bit.
We're hoping to get bills paid off when/if he goes into the mines. It could work out for the best. I hope.
Yayness!
18:59 May 05 2008
Times Read: 1,136
I got to play D&D last night! I mean actually play a little bit!
Brett's DMing even though he hasn't done it before. I think he's going to get irritated with me criticizing him on certain things. But he needs to talk as though we don't know what the heck he is talking about and work on description.
We've have me, Brett, and three other guys. I actually had my first battle last night! Woohoo!
I've only gotten to play twice before and didn't get to do too much but I'm trying to play my character good.
I will write more on her later!
Right now, I have to tend to a fussy baby...
Anyway, I feel a lot better now that I got out and have an escape! I'm looking forward to this Sunday!
-Tiffy
Hmm
03:31 May 04 2008
Times Read: 1,143
I want to play D&D with Brett, but not this badly.
We're trying to play it over the phone with one of my internet friends and his group. We're playing D20 Modern with a VtM twist.
All our stats are based on our real life. Yet, I hear Brett talking to him about zombies and things.
Hmm?
I just don't know if I want to play with them. If Brett wants to play, I will let him.
If I decide not to, I will have them kill my character off. I don't care to do this though. I just want to spend time with Brett. That's all.
If I decide to play, I will be posting pictures from later tonight and will be asking people to rate me from 1-20 for my Chrisma.
But honestly, I don't like how this is unfolding.
Isn't one of the main points of rpgs to get lost in the game? To be someone you're not but are? Someone who doesn't exist but you learn and grow from?
I am so confused.
I don't think I'm this desperate to spend time with him...
Updates
11:46 May 01 2008
Times Read: 1,136
I got a phone call yesterday on the other side of the duplex. It was Unison welcoming us to the plan.
I'm happy. I talked to the woman and know how to get back on my anxiety and depression medicines.
My mom doesn't think I need it. Brett thinks I do.
And out of everyone, I know I need them right now.
I can't get out of this funk without something to help me along and make me feel better so I can work on my problems.
I feel like I don't have any energy. I feel hopeless. I don't see a point in anything that I've been doing lately. I feel helpless while everything seems to be going to hell. I feel like hiding and just giving up.
That's so not like a Tiffy. That's more like the old Tiffany. The one that existed when her dad died and she had no escapes.
Brett hasn't seen me this bad before. I mean, he's seen me getting depressed. He's seen me scared of what's going to happen next. He's tried to help me deal with trapped feelings before. But he's never seen me this far along, rather this close to the cliff.
I have to get better. For me. For Aurora. For him.
Hell, for my Nala Cat even, I'm sure she's tired of listening to me when no one's around. Especially when I get my tears in her fur and won't leave her go. She's used to it though. She purrs and calms me down.
I think Brett and I will be doing a lot better if he does go into the mine for a little while. We're tired of bill collectors calling. We're tired of feeling like no matter what we can't get a little bit ahead.
Money problems really cause us stress.
I'm wondering when he gets into them, if I should save to fix my car or save to get another one. I need a car if he's going to be gone almost every day except for Sunday. I'm beginning to think it might be more hassle to try to fix mine since it's being stupid with thinking it's being stolen and all. I don't really want to get rid of it though. I have a lot of memories with that car.
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I'm really not looking forward to getting on the scale this morning. I've basically said the hell with the plans on losing weight for now.
I've been emotionally eating so I know I probably put on a couple of pounds for sure.
If not, I would be surprised.
I'm thinking if Brett does go into the mines... three months after, when it starts getting too hot outside, I will ask him for a treadmill or something so I can keep walking.
Only thing holding me back on that one is my heelcords.
I know Aunt Sue will probably be getting rid of the one she has because of Uncle Jeff's wheelchair. But I don't have any money for it right now.
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My coven's going pretty well.
The forum has mellowed out a little bit because Brett and I have been a little bit anti-social.
But we're planning on starting to post again in the next couple of days.
We made a little bit of a group decision to kick some members out who weren't getting online at all.
We basically decided if they didn't really care to let anyone know what was going on, then they could honestly go.
I sent them a message though explaining the situation and if they wanted back in, we could try it out on a trial basis.
So only time will tell if they get back on and at least message me back letting me know that everything is okay.
COMMENTS
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Sinora
21:29 May 29 2008
I'm glad you wrote this, but very sad that you felt so bad you had to.
It's a great idea you have had for recording whenever you feel you need to, I think that will make a huge difference to how you feel about yourself.
The burdens of our past can so easily become our demons, or indeed the cause for demonizing ourselves.
You seem to be a lady of some determination, I think you have the strength it will take to be rid of those damn demons.
ps...lay off putting yourself down...use that energy to fight hon x
fyrestrike
04:14 May 30 2008
ummm, where do I begin... sweetie, I that you have the ability to do what I can't, if anything I am envious of it. I don’t know what else I can really say. Your past can only control you if you let it, but its part of you so if you absorb it into yourself then well, you make yourself stronger. And I knew that you would like it, I knew that it would help with your cravings and everything else. As for you wanting to cut so intensely, well I do blame myself, if I could communicate better then you would be able to communicate easier with me. And I had already figured that we would find another place, you know my reasons for that as well. Everything has its good and its bad, we just have to focus on the good side now...
And you may think that you need to be put on a lease but your don’t need it, you need someone who is accepting of what you want to do and try and help you to do that, which is why I am never going to tell you no, but I will be there at your side no matter what happens, I know you thought that I had abandoned you this last time but I was there and I didn’t mean to make you feel that way
I love you
Brett