DireConsequences's Journal
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8 entries this month
14:35 Jun 27 2013
Times Read: 670
It's started. 1200 calories per day. No more then 9 servings of carbs. At least 6 servings of protein.
At least the dietician doesn't think I eat that badly. XD I don't have much to change and now I know how to count the carbs and stuff.
I'm excited. As I start losing weight, I'm going to be able to move more. ^____^
I just want to be healthy. I don't want to lose so much I don't feel like me or whatever.
I have my goal in mind. 170 pounds. I just want to reach it in 2 years. That's 100 pounds. I'm getting to it.
16:17 Jun 24 2013
Times Read: 678
Gosh, sitting at McDonalds is boring without being able to keep up conversations on FB with peoples. I'll be online most days of the week now in the morning. Since I want to save money on gas, it's just not worth it to bring Aurora up to preschool and then drive the 30 minutes home just to come pick her up in 3 1/2 hours.
Definitely not worth it.
On a different note, my stomach needs to get used to sweet tea again. I'm all grumpy.
I'm hoping Brett got the stuff done outside he was supposed to do while I've been gone.
I plan on finishing the kitchen today and moving on to the living room when I get home. XD
About 15 more minutes until I leave here. I'm happy to get going too. =] Away from all this fast food.
I'm going home and pigging out on watermelon with Aurora. YUM!
My appointment with the dietician is on Thursday. I'm excited and anxious all at once. I want to do this though. I'm sure Brett's not going to be happy with me though. If I'm cooking, I'm making food I can eat. If he wants something else, he has to cook it. If Aurora wants something else, I'll make it. LMAO! Yep, double standards just for my baby.
14:32 Jun 24 2013
Times Read: 679
It's really insane to answer the phone to him wanting to say fuck it and come up here. It took me back a bit. I understand where he's coming from but I don't want him throwing everything away unless I'm positive that him and I will be together and things. I'm not like that.
Brett held it against me for the longest time for us moving up here after he got laid off from Dell. I don't want to feel anything like that again.
And as for Brett and me, we're doing better. We're talking more. He's actually starting to care about things more. He's trying to spend more time with Aurora and myself.
I hate that I know it's probably because he's a bit jealous and knows if he doesn't straighten up, he's losing me.
He took money out of the bank account after a fight of ours last week. Two days in a row he did it. I'm angry about it considering that money was being saved for Aurora's school clothes.
Where he stole money from her piggy banks, I'm making him pay her back. I don't care if I kick him out (which I probably should have), he's going to pay her back.
I scared of the thought that someone loves me enough to go out on a limb. I don't like knowing that.
At least he knows me well enough that he said he doesn't see me moving any time soon.
Which is correct. I think if I would move with Aurora out of state, it would kill my stepdad. Quite literally. She makes his eyes light up.
15:56 Jun 20 2013
Times Read: 700
I used to care about my journal on here. Like really care about it. I've always put what I thought in here. Always.
When I joined this site... it had been about a year since my dad died. I've gone through a lot in my life and his death hit me the hardest. No matter what happened, I knew I could always get a hug from my dad and everything would look better. Obviously after no one seemed to hear me about the sexual abuse that was going on when I was a kid, I never told my dad. I regret it insanely.
I've gone through a lot since my daddy died. And I never get to go to his graveside anymore. That hurts. It feels like I've lost a part of me by not making or having the time to go to the graveyard and eat lunch with my daddy screaming and crying out my eyes about everything on my mind.
I think I really need a healthy dose of that right now.
I want to hide right now and at this moment I have to admire myself. It's a long way from where I was when Aurora was born. I went from being outgoing to being scared of leaving the house for years. Now here I am, Aurora's in preschool and I'm sitting in McDonalds by myself and enjoying the time by myself and not minding that there's people at the next table.
If it wasn't for friends like Anthony and Frankie and people on Uni who have had my back through all of this recently (the past few months), I think I would be relapsing in more then one way right now. But I'm not. I'm holding my ground and I'm proud of myself for doing so.
I've got some major decisions to think about coming up.
I have to actually decide if it's worth it to keep on trying with that man I've lived since November of 2006 and the father of my child.
At this point, I don't know.
He seems more self destructive then anything right now. I'm not going to post what's been happening because it just wouldn't be fair to him. Although some of it is really getting to me. I'm tired of the lack of communication between us and he doesn't seem to want to improve that at all.
I love him. I want to be with him. I'm in love with him. I don't doubt any of that. But at this point, I can't get back together with him with how he is right now.
He needs to be more caring.
He needs to be a better dad.
He needs to give a crap about himself.
He needs to be able to show his emotions.
There's a lot I can add to that for sure but I'm just going to leave it to those for now.
And here I am... I swear I'm foolish.
There's an amazing guy I've known since I moved to Nashville who wants to be with me. Would do anything to make me happy. Heck, he's even offered to send me money to get my friend overseas over here for a visit just because he knows how much I want to meet her. He's getting me a cell phone just so I can have it for when I'm out somewhere or want to get online. He's amazing. More amazing then I want to admit to myself right now since it would probably make me feel even more foolish.
Yet I want to make sure there's no hope of Brett and me fixing anything. I want to wait before I would date him even if Brett and I don't get back together.
I want Aurora to get into kindergarten and finish it before making any decisions.
I want to get a job this fall and have some kind of money saved up to a better extent.
I think I need to grow up a lot before I even really consider dating a 38 year old man. He's done a lot more in his life then me. I feel so immature when I think about getting with him. I feel silly. I know age doesn't matter. My mom and dad had a 10 year gap and even my mom and stepdad have an 11 year gap between them. So obviously age isn't the issue I have with the idea of it. In my life, it seems just as normal as dating a guy my own age. =]
It's just that I see myself as being immature. I like exploring my sexuality. I like pushing my limits. I'm interested in an gorgeous woman who I find mesmerizing in more ways then one. I want to explore that avenue. I never want to wonder what if again when I want to do something.
I love my daughter. I've been figuring things out for myself and her. I'm not taking Brett into complete account because he hasn't been stepping up to the plate to be a father to her. I want her to be secure in herself and her home life. If it seems better for her not to have Brett living with us, then that's what is going to happen. I'm not going to go from person to person. I'll be alone before I do that to my child.
Hell, I want stability for myself too. It's not just for her.
It's for both of us.
And then comes the thought of moving. I can't fathom it with Aurora and how close she is to my mom and stepdad. I can't see doing that to her when she's got family, friends, and everything else up here. We are in a house which hasn't been so since she was a baby. We've always rented and had someone else on the other side even. We have a big yard. We can actually watch nature at our doorstep. I don't want to just leave it behind when I'll probably need it the most.
Like I said, I have a lot to think about. I just want to hide though.
14:06 Jun 20 2013
Times Read: 709
I'm at McDonalds waiting for Aurora to get done with preschool. I'm trying out Candy Crush since Anthony and Brett both want me to try it. XD
And Lord, I need help figuring things out in my life.
In light of recent events, I'm just not so sure that I will get back together with Brett. I thought there was hope about a day ago. Yet, things come to light and it all goes up in the wind.
I don't understand why he's doing this. It just seems like he wants me to hate him.
02:57 Jun 19 2013
Times Read: 716
Brett said that I've basically staked a claim with Anthony. And I just don't see it. He's not mine. He has had the same girlfriend since before I met him in 2006. The only thing that worries me is if I would start something, anything with him... I want to be sure. Hell, we live seven and a half hours apart. That's a long time away. We've talked about it that if we start dating that we'll split the time between OH and TN. But I'm not even thinking that far in the future.
Right now, I just want to make sure for my own sake that there is nothing left between us that I want and/or need.
I know I need a lot more from him then what he's showing but I'm not sure if he can give that away. I'm tired of him not showing any emotions but the negative ones. It's horrible at times.
Why wouldn't I want to be with someone who gives me more? Why wouldn't I want to be with someone who challenges me to be a better person? Why wouldn't I want to be with someone who would be a positive influence on my child and spend time with her whenever she wanted?
Yesterday was weird. I felt something that I'm not sure why I did and I can't explain it.
If you know me, I'm pretty well in touch with my emotions. Even when it comes to my past, I know what I feel and why... I just don't like facing that side of things.
I hate when I'm confused. I really do.
I don't like feeling jealous or unsure of whether I should open my mouth or not.
I don't even know why I'm jealous. That's what is making me irritated with myself.
01:16 Jun 19 2013
Times Read: 722
Yep, when we get together... we're going to be the weirdest couple probably on the planet. We're quirky. ♥
14:18 Jun 11 2013
Times Read: 737
We just took Aurora to her first day of school. Preschool. She's been there about an hour and so far, no phone call.
=]
Hopefully she'll be good and mind what the teacher tells her.
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COMMENTS
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captainglobehead
15:05 Jun 27 2013
That is a very responsible goal. No crash dieting. I know you can do it.
DireConsequences
15:14 Jun 27 2013
Thank you. I got down to 173 before almost 7 years ago. That was actually my weight the day before I found out I was pregnant. I'm tired of living in this body with breathing problems provoked by the stress of my weight.
I'm determined to lose it. What better motivation could I have? A five year old getting ready to go to kindergarten. The idea of being able to breathe better. The idea of being able to get back to the activity level I was at.
I'm looking forward to losing a little here and there to get to my main goal.
I don't want to crash diet. I know I'm still going to have a candy bar here and there. I know I'm human. It's just I'll have to move other things around to be able to get it that day while still getting enough. =]
I'm not giving up everything for sure but most of it. XD
fyre
16:01 Jun 27 2013
It sounds hard but I know that you can do it... And at least you can still have your treats and things. I wouldn't want to live with you if you couldn't have your chocolate.... SCARY!!!! I love you.... I will help as best as I can...