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Well I'm a happy camper. So many bubbles in a scolding bath that I could get lost in them. ♥ Beforehand visited our bedroom and some sexual relief. *nods* I'm much more relaxed.



Also... my legs are shaved! ^_^



I'm a happy Tiffy.



And Brett's home. Unlocking the door right now. XD

Aurora is already asleep! Woot!



We'll be getting up at 6 in the morning to get her up and ready for school. It seems we're walking to the bus stop so we're leaving 30 minutes early. It's a pretty good walk for sure. Brett's walking with us since it's her first day. ♥



I'm so freakin' nervous. This isn't funny.



I'm going to go get some clothes dealt with and then I'm going to freakin' get a nice, hot bubble bath. *hums* I'm so delighted to get to relax.



Maybe tomorrow or the next day, I'll find the time to shave my legs. ^_^ They haven't been smooth in like 8 days. O_o It all depends on what time my mom and stepdad come out tomorrow. Oh and my uncle too. So not looking forward to that but oh well, I'll deal.



XD



Plans are...



-Wake Aurora up.

-Give her a bath and let her get dressed. Blow dry her hair.

-Walk her to the bus stop.

-Walk back.

-Send Brett to the school to put money on her lunch account and pick up cat food.

-Tackle the Princess's room.

-Change the water in the turtle aquarium.

-Do whatever dishes are dirty in the morning from breakfast. X_X

-Start clothes. (I'm a little behind on those!)

-Feed and water all the animals.

-Pick up the living room.

-Write a bit.

-Have lunch.

-Deal with family... hopefully not too long so I can get everything before this done for sure.

-Walk down town to meet Aurora getting off of the bus. ♥



I'm thinking of baking a cake tomorrow while Aurora's in school to surprise her. She's sad she's not going to get to make things with me as much. I told her we could still do so on the weekends.



... She doesn't like the idea of going to school five days a week for so long. *nods* She's dragging her feet.



I'm sure she'll forget that when she meets the rest of the children in her class on Tuesday. ♥



Only the ones she met at orientation will be there tomorrow. The rest of the class joins them on Tuesday.



It's all confusing.

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Em0d0LL
02:33 Aug 26 2013

It gets easy wait till she goes to middle and high school it's like sending them to kindergarten lol! Hugs and relax!

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DireConsequences
02:42 Aug 26 2013

At this point, I think I could handle that. I'm so unsure of the parent side of things right now at this school, it's nuts.



I don't mix well with doctors, lawyers, nurses, judges, etc. That's whose sons and daughters she's going to school with. *nods* It's all going to reflect badly if I don't dress appropriately. I didn't give a shit when I went to school with the sons and daughters of all those kinds of people... but it's MY daughter. I don't want to do anything that will obviously make her life hell there.



Everyone who is anyone really sends their child to this school if they can. People have been known to move into the school district just to do so.



Heck, houses in town are over $120,000 for one that needs a ton of work. O_O It's crazy. And it isn't a big city either. There's only a couple of thousand people in it, I believe. LMAO!



I will probably have to wear a skirt to go to her kindergarten graduation. X__X The last time I wore a skirt was four years ago, almost five.



I would play anti-social if it would make things better... but it won't. I know how much my mom had to call other mothers to know what was going on at school when I went. I need to become friends with some of them and just deal.



Yep, I'm stressed... and my daughter acts like it's not even phasing her. LMAO! She has to get that from her father!

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What do I do waiting for pages to load on dial up?



My makeup.



^__^



I'm looking forward to getting those pictures for the breast cancer awareness on here. X__X Hopefully I can do them tomorrow without my mom saying anything about me keeping her camera an extra day. I wanna go up in the woods to do them.



I wish I had mad skills with makeup like VW39! I would do zombie type pictures. It would be perfect for the woods and the barn falling apart up there. Too bad!



I'm trying to figure something out that I want to do. LMAO! I still don't know.

So tomorrow is the day. I guess as long as it's not raining, I'll be walking with Brett down to the bus stop in the morning.



I still don't know the bus number. X___X I'm so stressed. I guess the only thing I can do about it is make sure I have a marker to put her bus number on her owl name tag as she's getting on.



I can hand in her other paper that needs to have it on it on Tuesday but everything else just seems crazy.



Brett's classes are everywhere this semester. I won't be going to bingo. I'm upset about it.



Aurora has seven words she has to learn this first week.



I

A

can

like

the

we

see



And the first week they work on numbers 0-5. By the end of kindergarten, she'll be counting to 100 without prompts. *nods* That seems a little crazy to me though.



Starting tomorrow evening, I'll be driving my stepdad's Ford Explorer to take Aurora to and from the bus stop... plus in the winter when it's really bad, I'm going to be driving his huge truck down since we live on a hill.



And of course, Aurora isn't interested in me driving her down to the bus stop or picking her up to drive her. She wants to walk. =]



So looks like I'm having some good walks on most days since the bus stop is a good bit away. ^_^



With all the time I'm going to have, I'll definitely be losing a bit more weight. I'll be happy with that.



Eh, Brett broke my headphones today.



I'm pissed, probably more then I should be. I can't buy anymore with school fees and things until Friday.



I ducktaped them as best as I could but I'm not sure it's going to work. =[ Hopefully it does. I can't listen to the music on the way down in the morning but my walk back up, I can. Same with the walk to pick her up... I can listen to it on the way down but not on the walk back up.



I think I'm going to have Brett take care of weeding a path through the woods and the old railroad tracks so we can get through the woods if we're running really late. *nods* I don't know though. Maybe next year I won't be so nervous about Aurora and the creek. O_o

COMMENTS

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Vampirewitch39
20:51 Aug 25 2013

Hope it all goes well. :)

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xxEmaeraldxx
20:55 Aug 25 2013

Aurora sounds a smart girl :)

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I can't wait to get Monday over with. I'm going to take Melatonin to help me sleep here in a bit. I'm so nervous that I'm still awake and nervous. I just painted my nails black and waiting for them to dry so I can add sliver sparkles. I'm listening to Jeffree Star. No clue why I've been listening to him and Peaches a lot lately. Probably because the music reminds me of Courtney.



I need go somewhere with WiFi cause I want to add Purr Like a Cat to my profile. ♥ I adore that song.



And of course my daughter has never heard most of my music. X__X That just wouldn't be right.



I'm excited though. Brett's going to get me a stripper pole and a couple of layered outfits when I lose 35 pounds. Woot!



Tommy was supposed to get me one. But the hell with him. And I was supposed to get one to dance with Court but since she's dead... I'm going to still get one and fuckin' dance enough for both of us! ♥



I'm sure if I get it before Frankie comes to visit she'll definitely have some fun with it too.



I need to make a deal with him to get me a freakin' video on how to do the moves too. X__X



Heh! I'm sure I could get Anthony to donate some money to the cause if I could ever get up the nerve to do it in front of him. I'm not sure that would ever happen so I definitely won't ask him.



He's going to help me get some pony boots when I get down to my goal weight. XD I'm so freakin' looking forward to those boots. I'll probably wear them around the house.



I may look up Tad and see if he still goes to the gay clubs in drag and I'll go with him. I miss him. ♥



I'm not sure my stepdad wants him on the property. O__O;



Whenever something is said about him, he says something about "fucking faggots" and I tune out of course.



What's he going to do when Frankie and I meet? I mean we're obviously not going to be obvious about anything we would ever do. But still. My mom is still freaked out that I could ever do anything with another woman. She freaked about me being Courtney's first kiss ever and first real kiss. ♥



I need to shut off my brain. O_o It's going fast tonight.



I'll probably keep moving most of this week when Brett and Aurora are gone to avoid thinking too much. That's what I'm worried about.



It's pretty bad that even though my asthma has been acting up the past few days, I'm tempted to go out and buy another hookah to calm my nerves down.



I'll probably be taking pictures of myself like crazy, doing makeup everyday (possibly multiple times a day like at Court's or in Nashville), I'll be listening to uncensored music lists when Aurora's not home, I'll be able to scream for no reason or because I'm frustrated, I'll be able to go around the house naked dancing and cleaning (as long as my stepdad and uncle aren't out here getting ready for projects around the property or the guys doing the block for their brandnew trailer to go in above us), and I'll be able to go to the bedroom whenever I want.



EkkkkK! Looks like I'll be getting some new toys! ♥ I love new toys! LMAO! I really do!



In Nashville we were crazy. Brett and I would have sex about three or four times a day and I was still masturbating like three times a day. ♥ How the hell I've managed to stay tight as heck, I have no clue other then my scars. It's pretty bad when Brett says my ass is looser then my cunt. Hahaha! Tonight is one of the few nights that I'll laugh about that. Usually it makes me self conscious about my scars though. I've yelled at him for saying such things.



Even after Nirguna and I had sex, Brett was right on me and I was just as tight as before even though Nirguna was insanely like scary huge. I bled a little after sex with Nirguna. *nods*



Wow, why am I writing all of this?



Maybe I should quit being so paranoid about shit? I really fucked up when I decided to go against the rules even though Brett encouraged me to with Tony. I shouldn't have dated him.



I don't think it was so much because of the boyfriend on the side but just because Tony and I were just so wrong for each other as a couple.



I swear Anthony is my illegitimate boyfriend in Tennessee. Heh. He has a couple of pictures of me that I trust him never to show anyone. There's only one other person I've never met who has those two pictures. ♥



Ugh! The one reason I'm probably so paranoid about going to see him or him coming to see us is because I can't be the other woman. I know what it feels like. He has a girlfriend... and even though she doesn't give him sex and has told him he can go somewhere else as long as he's safe and comes back... it just seems so wrong.



I want to have sex on a roller coaster.



... I don't know where that came from but I had a dream about it a couple of weeks ago and it seems fun. ^__^ Yep!



I still can't convince my Brett to have sex somewhere in public. X__X He says he will though. LMAO!



We've parked.

We've had sex outside plenty of times.

We've had sex in a thunderstorm outside. ♥ (That's major for me!)

We've obviously had anal.

Double penetration.

Threesomes.

I've sucked him off. Even swallowed.

I've getting alright with him eating me.

Love him using toys on me while he "recharges."

Adore bondage and blindfolds.

Rape fantasies. ♥ ♥ ♥

Choking.

Biting.

Scratching.

Ice.

Nipple clamps. ♥

Voyeurism.

Being watched by certain people.



I want to play with hot wax. *nods*

I want to have sex in public.

I want to willingly have sex with another woman.

I want to be okay with letting go.

I want to have sex in the woods.

I want to have sex in the moonlight.

I wanna try a sex swing.

I want a fucking machine later on. ♥

I want to make a better sex tape for personal viewing. X_X

I want to have sex on a real bear skin rug. ♥

I want to get used to being on top.

I want to learn to enjoy giving blowjobs. O_o

I want to be titty fucked at least once. LMAO!



There's more but I'm not posting any more. Haha! God, since when have I really censored anything?



Anyways... Brett has work today so I need to get some sleep. Night peoples! ♥



I know the three people I hope to dream about. I hope to stay clear of the nightmares for the night. ♥

Aurora starts school on Monday and here I am questioning everything. Everything.



I'm wondering if I got her all the RIGHT clothes.



I'm wondering if I taught her enough to get along fine in it.



I'm wondering if I should have sent her to the other school instead of this one since this one is like super good.



I'm scared to death of dealing with the teachers, staff and mothers.



I'm anxious that she's going to have a hard path ahead of her.



When Courtney, Mandy and I got out of there... we always said we would never send any child we had to that school because of the hell we went through. Yet here I am, years later and sending my little princess there. What's wrong with me?



My stepdad is already irritated that I didn't sign up for one of the parties where I needed to go in. I signed up for the Valentine's Day party so I could just send something in or drop it off at the office.



My mother even hated the mothers of the people I went to school with... why does she expect me to feel any different.



I'm going to have to dress preppy and so is Brett so our child isn't judged. I'm going to have to wear makeup every time I go up there because it's proper. Ugh! Why didn't I make this easy on myself and send her the other way?



I'm questioning everything already and I haven't even been "alone" yet. I've already been crying. I'm so fucking anxious.



Bad thing is I'm trying to cope as best I can because I refuse to see the same doctor as Brett has to. She's so stupid in her comments. Yeah, right... needing medication to deal with academics is a lot more life threatening then needing it to deal with power tools that can kill you! Yep. That's completely logical.



Oh I'm making a new FB since I'm so not adding any of those parents to my real one. There's no way. I can see them looking into my friends list and whatnot like the busy bodies they are.



Ugh! I'm so frustrated. Why did I make this decision?



I was so confident when we had that meeting and now I'm just... not.



I'm hoping I made the right decision for Aurora. I really do. She does know one of the boys in her class. His name is Levi and he taught her how to do the KISS symbol with her hands. I swear she better not end up with a boyfriend in kindergarten.



At least his mom is the soccer mom type and not the kind that is so stuck up they won't ever loosen up any.

COMMENTS

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Em0d0LL
02:28 Aug 25 2013

Aww I was the same way ! It does get easy! Hugs Hun!

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DireConsequences
02:59 Aug 25 2013

*brett/fyre* Hey, if she gets a "boyfriend" in kindergarden and keeps him through elementary school, then thats fine with me... Hell, I basically had a GF through 2nd and 3rd grade would have been first if I was in the same state then.... as long as it stays in the realm of elementary and doesng grow to high school dating while she is still in elementary school... and besides Levi seems like an alright kid... at least he has a decent taste in music, if he knows where the sign comes from...lol She will be fine sweet heart, she is super competitive and I think that she will show all those kids up cause xshe is smart as a whip and she will want to be the best at everything...

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Levity
11:25 Aug 27 2013

This feeling will definitely pass - I'm sure it's perfectly normal and natural to feel all these things when sending a little life you've created out into the world!



Don't worry about what they'll all think of you just yet.

I agree with the making a good first impression, but don't let it mean you're going to have to put on a performance every time you go there.

Just relax - they're just people, and their opinions mean no more than others.



Much love, chica ♥

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This song probably describes how insane I would be with you. Maybe I should worry. LMAO! I would do anything though and I know it. Hell, if I needed to get there in a hurry. I know what I would do to get the money and I have no shame in that at all. I guess that's kind of bad but hell, I'm sure not going to do anything I regret. =]

I guess it's kind of funny. Brett fucked me in the ass with a toy in my sleep and I was dreaming about you. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside that I log on to you calling me buttslut. ♥



Only us. That's for sure.



Sometimes I think we have the weirdest, most messed up kind of relationship. Brett and I that is. But I think he's the only man that would really put up with me. Although I must say there's days that I would rather live with someone else.



And then I think about us... and wonder what the hell will ever happen between us. It's weeeeird. *nods* I don't know.



Oh I plan on sending you something to help you feel better and cheer you up. It'll be sent out on Friday if everything goes as planned. ♥ I love you.



I wanna lick you... :-P But I guess I won't or at least can wait. XD

I got more school clothes for Aurora today so she's all ready to go. Her orientation is tomorrow. It's going to be weird seeing Brett clean cut again. XD I'm happy. I like him with no beard and whatnot.



Heh, we went to Diary Queen today for lunch and he saw prime examples of what the fathers of the school's children look like. Hahaha! I'll be wearing makeup again and whatnot too.



My child is going to the preppy school I went to. Yep. Why? Because they are the ones with the best education for public schools in the area. There's so many programs she's unlikely to slip through the cracks. She'll get to go on so many more field trips and do more hands on things.



They're one of the school deciding what the other states are teaching and stuff. It's awesome.



My mom and stepdad are still worried Aurora can't handle it all. She's smart. That teacher who screened her for counting even knows it. She said that Aurora is really smart but she's stubborn and doesn't want to do the work. Tell me something I don't know!



I still can't connect the name of the teacher to the teacher's face. =[ I feel bad about that since I met all six of them the day of her screening and the PE and computer lab teachers and the speech therapist. I'm sure Aurora will need to see her because of her lisp. I had to do speech therapy when I was in kindergarten too so it's no real big deal. It was the same teacher too! I hated her. O_o Not because she's mean but because she corrected me. *nods*



I'm not sure how she's going to do on the test she has to take the second or third day there. I'm hoping she doesn't act silly on it like she says she will. At least if she is silly taking it, they screen them with tests at different times of the year to make sure no child is where they shouldn't be. XD I like them a lot.



I'm so not ready to deal with the moms. O_O I just want to hide. Nothing like going back to fake people and razor blade words, right? I hope I don't see any of the people I went to school with. I don't like them still. X_X All the fake pity I got when my daddy died was enough to make me hate them for sure. I don't even think I'll ever go to a reunion.

The past week Brett's been having some problems with erections. Now it's not what people immediately think.



He was put on a new medicine about a month ago and then beginning of last week, it was increased from 20 mg to 30 mg. Well it had an odd side effect on him. He could get it up plenty. Like he would shift his weight from one foot to the other and it was at full attention! But he couldn't cum.



I find it amusing. I got on him last month about how he should hold out until I cum to do so. It should be ladies first. Although it doesn't help that I fight it at every cost.



Anyway there's definitely something out of sorts when a man can pound a woman for over 40 minutes without cumming at all. O_O It was crazy.



The pharmacist said it could very well be caused by the medication increase and it's not unheard of. And the doctor thinks it has to be something else BUT took him off the medication.



He's been off of it for three days now... it has gone away. After two days, he came. It had to feel good, I'm sure.



But hell, I kind of felt like I was doing something wrong. I tried everything. EVERYTHING. Well, everything I could think of and then a little more. LMAO!



It really took me out of my comfort zone.



The bad part is he's been zoning horribly since stopping the medication like that. Today was definitely the worse day.



I can honestly say that unless he gets on medicine that works for him and keeps up with his appointments... I can't see starting our relationship back up.



Yet I have no clue what to even consider us right now. Ugh!

I'll be around. Probably not as often as before. Since Aurora finished up preschool... I've been doing things around the house again.



Well, today was basically a bust. I pulled a muscle in my back pretty bad last night when Brett and I had sex. He's pretty happy. He finally made me cum.



I guess I've been pretty sexually frustrated with the "need" for it and the nightmares making me tense about it all. I'm pretty stubborn about letting go and enjoying it at the moment.



I wish I could let go.



Sometimes I really hate myself for this.

I'm getting back on stable ground. =] I'm feeling like myself. I'm back to joking with some reality to it. I'm back to not caring.



I have so much shit to work through.



I want her to come visit. The only question now is when.



I'm not sure whether it's a good idea to do it this year or next. It we waited until next year, it would give me more time to sort through things. But what good is that really going to do after countless times of being hurt and years of it?



Every time I work through one thing, I remember something else. It seems useless and hopeless to me.



Am I even strong enough to do this?



I keep trying to to tell myself that I made it through the actual abuse, what could be worse then that? All I have to do now is survive the memories.

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Levity
18:27 Aug 06 2013

My sweet I admire you for everything you've come through. I'm very proud.



As I tried to explain to someone recently, some things are not a matter of just "getting over it". Some things, like anxiety, depression, regrets, memories or my bipolar.. aren't a case of fixing it. It's simply a case of finding the most effective way of coping; day in, day out.



You'll still have your moments of weakness or sadness or upset.

But you will find a way to cope.



I promise you.

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DireConsequences
14:48 Aug 07 2013

I've always been terrified of doing something that brings a rush of memories back. What happens if/when that does come to light? The dam will burst and will I be strong enough to make it through to the other side or so self destructive that I lose myself? I feared it since I was like 16 years old and realized I really couldn't remember most of what happened. I'm sure the only reason I remember most of what I do is because of the physical scars. It's hard to avoid something or pretend it never happened with the marks on your body where you can see them.

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fyre
15:06 Aug 07 2013

The memories may come all at once or little by little. There is always a risk that the memories will cause you to run and hide. But I still firmly believe that the memories will help you in the end. They will help you to understand your triggers, fears, and possibly your desires. And you have people who love you that will help you through anything that comes from it... We will always be there to pick you back up if you fall too hard...



We love you!

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Brett and I had a good date on Friday. We ended up going to Diary Queen to get something to eat in the mist of all the errands we had to do. He had his appointment. It was about 4:30 before we went to the store to get some things to eat though.



We went out to the state park. We had a blast fishing, talking, swimming and more fishing. =]



I caught 7 bluegills. Brett caught 3. LMAO!



It was so cute though. This grandfather, dad and little girl pulled up beside up to see what we were fishing with and when I told them earthworms, they asked if they could get a piece of one. They were willing to pay for it. O_o I gave them a whole worm and refused anything for it. The little four year old girl caught her very first fish and man, could we hear her screaming that she had caught one. She even made them stop on their way out to show us what she caught. ♥ So adorable.



They invited us to a drive in movie at the campgrounds by the shower stalls but we declined. I was getting ate up by mosquitoes. I have 14 small bites between my two feet. O_O We were tired anyway.



We ended up stopping at Wal-mart to see how much the night time bobbers cost and headed home from there. =]



Although, since my child was kind of bad at my mother's house, it'll be a couple of weeks before they take her again. Like what the hell... they expected her to listen and be good as gold when she knew Tyler was going home. It's the last time she'll see him until probably Christmas.



Yesterday was Brett's birthday. Tomorrow is our anniversary.



And even though I ended things with him months ago, we're doing better then we have in years. It's nice. I'm scared to start a true relationship back up right now because we're both focusing on ourselves and getting back to where we were.



I love him. He's perfect at being himself.



And if this is how it could stay between us, I would have no problem at all with spending the rest of our lives together. =]

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fyre
16:30 Aug 05 2013

I love you too...



I am getting better as we go... I dunno what the problem was but yeah....

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DireConsequences
16:32 Aug 05 2013

I don't know either. But I'm glad it's starting to get better. We're both finally getting better together. =] I'm loving this. I hope you realize that.



*snuggles* Make my tummy feel better? Please?

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