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He may have cancer. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can do anything. He has an area, a growth. It's either cancerous or precancerous.



I feel like I can't do this right now. It's been about two years since everyone seemed to die around me of cancer. My Uncle Jeff, my Grandmama, Courtney, and Osman. I haven't even dealt with the death of my dad. How can I deal with all of this?



I feel like stabbing myself in the arm or leg and I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. And I won't. I can't do that to him or other people who care about me.



He was talking to Aurora today telling her that he might not make it to her graduation or see her grow up.



Stuff my own dad told me after he almost died that Christmas Eve when I was in fourth grade and he came out of the recall and was allowed to come home.



This is breaking my heart. I can't. I just want to curl up and disappear and I can't. I have to be here for Aurora and her. It wouldn't be fair or even right if I would try to avoid it and run now.



God, why does this have to be happening?



What are the odds? I have no clue. He said he wasn't letting them open him up if it was something and now he's debating about letting them. It has to come out if it's precancerous. But if it's cancerous, he's going to have to put a lot of thought into it.



He's acting like he's already has that clock ticking. A death sentence.



It's 4:28 in the morning and I'm losing it. I'm bawling and trying not to wake my daughter.



"Tonight, I wanna cry."

He's only been in since about the last time I wrote and big surprise... someone's house in the family has already been broken in to.



O_O

Everything is now going to hell in a pretty little hand basket. Lord, give me some strength and some calm.



Cannot explain this one in journal. If you're close to me, message me and I'll get to it sooner or later.

COMMENTS

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Vampirewitch39
19:51 Aug 09 2012

Wish you the best. Stay strong.

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SuicideDoll
13:00 Aug 10 2012

Best wishes and take care.

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Today, Brett and I have been together for six years. It's really hard to believe it's been that long.



=]



We've had a horribly busy day today. So much for celebrating.



On November 26th, it will be six years of us meeting each other face to face and living together. ♥ We'll definitely be celebrating then.



In 20 days, I'll be on the beach with Aurora enjoying a week of relaxation and fun. I can't wait. I've never been to the ocean beach. I'm excited.



So much is going on. Just today, we're getting Aurora's dentist appointment, turned in her pee and her blood drawn after her dentist appointment. Poor babe.

COMMENTS

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SuicideDoll
12:35 Aug 07 2012

Congrats to you both

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Vampirewitch39
13:38 Aug 07 2012

Congrats! And give Aurora a big hug. :) And you will love the beach- it puts life in order for me.

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We've been without telephone at home since Monday or Tuesday. We're waiting on them to fix it. The line is down again. This is frustrating.



Oh a good note, Aurora's had her physical and her shots updated. She's going to see the dentist on Monday. We have all of the slips and whatnot. She has to pee in a cup and get blood work done yet.



We're moving along.