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I pretty much unload in my online journal on a daily or nightly basis. A day in the life of me...or at least the rough parts. I often feel as if I have no time for myself. No way to unwind all the way without being concerened if somebody needs my assistance for something (and no, Im not talking about digital art either). I'm not trying to be selfish...Im just trying to be me. I need a break. I need a break from all the chaos and a break from always being in shared living arangements. I was not meant for a stiffled way of life.

I feel as if I'm drowning. Choking even. I'd like to be alone now. I'd like to be alone somwhere comfortable and take a long look at what is and what isnt. What will be and what never will. Perhaps I got what I asked for. I ventured off into a space that wasnt mine to venture into, however the assurance that there was nothing there to hide seemed too perfect...and I should have left it at that but I didn't. The warmth from my blood left me and felt like it was replaced with ice water. My heart started pouning with a ringing in my ears that left me dizzy. I found myself trying to calm down, Trying to be reasonable...But then I realized the reason for it. I realized that no matter what, there's always been strong feelings for me...but I have also come to realize that I will never feel secure after this. Doubt will always be in the back of my mind. I am truly hurt. Mostly, I am embarssed that I fell so hard and was under the impression that I was 'the only'. How very foolish of me to have believed. How very foolish of me indeed.

It's not like I've never done my share of hurting, I suppose (no matter how much I at least tried not to). Im not in the business of hurting people I care for, let alone love. It's not like I have been a perfect angel with everything...but I swear that MY intentions were and have been true. I dont know how much more I can take. What else I'll have to find out and somehow just go on like this hasn't left a hole in me. Im hollow. Im as hallow as the 'O' in god. Im just supposed to pick myself up, put on a plastic smile and conduct myself in a way that doesn't seem like I've just had my heart put through a meat grinder...hey, while you're at it, why dont ya just make patties out of it too and eat it inbetween some buns. I've been told the more the meat's been beaten up, it tastes better...so mine should be extra delicious.

I would like it if my hands would stop shaking. I would like that alot. I would also be very pleased to have my heart (or what's left of it) stop racing and for my stomach to stop making me feel as if I'm ready to fall to my death. I wish that I could say or hear your name now and not get the chills...because it never used to be that way. I always used to equate it with warmth. What is sincere and what isn't. What is precious and what should remain precious. Im tired. I am finally tired and I NEED a break badly. My health demands it, My physicians demand it, My emotions have been demanding it and now, finally, My heart is demanding it with an urgent note attached. It simply reminds me: