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What a day. Thats all I have to say. Im sick of my neck hurting and Im tired of taking medicine too. Im awake and I feel that certain type of neglect again. Echos of who's fault it is or isnt still ringing in the back of my mind. Like my profile introduction says, "Somethings got to change. Some things have to change." Nothing ever does though. I have come to accept that I truly do identify with the company of ghosts.
Transparent, dead all the way around and eventually forgotten all about. I usually look on the bright side...but there doesnt seem to be one anymore. Even my writing abilities have been interrupted. I sit with a warm drink in my hands and it is silent until the wind picks up. I watch the dead leaves tumble away down the street.........and I wish that I was one of them. Anything would be better than right here, right now.
I can relate to this entry - especially about the comparison to ghosts, which I feel is a good analogy.
Without Everything
08:47 Nov 23 2009 Times Read: 695
I've been feeling very VERY stressed out and frustrated lately. I find that when I manage to get any kind of sleep it is always inturrupted in some way. If it's not my brain constantly trying to replay the never ending picture show, It's my body giving me so much bullshit...that I cant stay asleep. The doctor put me on pain medicine for my sprained neck. He swore up and down that it would definatley help me sleep. Yeah right. What a crock. The only thing that would knock my ass out is that lovely white cocktail they inject into you before they wheel your ass into surgery. I sat down by myself in the quiet (outside) and watched my breath hang in the cold wintery air...and I realized that I never have any real privacy or time with myself. It's strange. I don't like being left alone for too long but I also require what I call 'Me Time'. I was able to have a little Me Time tonight and I came to find that my hands were shaking out of control. It's times like these that I feel like Im going to just lose my shit completely! Im in an agonizing ammount of pain, Im sleep deprived and I have a heart that keeps getting assaulted by somebody or some sort of situation. Somehow...within this darkness (not that fun gothy kinda darkness), I still try. I still keep on going. It's been a LONG time since I ever really thought about doing myself in.......
I find that I'm having these thoughts a lot recently. Usually they're just thoughts. Very rarely do I pay any attention to them. I've been paying attention to them a lot more than usual. I know there's a reason I'm here. I know that there's quite a few reasons that I'm here but I'm starting to think and believe that I shouldn't be. Maybe im just over tired. Maybe im just grumpy from the pain and fed up. In either case...I know that Im seriously upset about A LOT of things.......and I honestly just dont know how to react anymore. If I was an actress, this would be the part where I turn to the director on the set with confusion and ask, "What's my motivation?"
Sadly, im not................and my 'motivation' is just one big ass question mark that I have to accept. I'm not asking to be happy (though that would be nice). Im not even asking to be content. As of this point im just asking to be comfortable. Sometimes I wonder if I was put here for god's entertainment. *rubs temples and wipes away the tears*
Another entry I can easily relate to. Those thoughts are not pleasant, and the idea of "being here for a reason" is often of little comfort.
All the way down
08:49 Nov 13 2009 Times Read: 704
This is probably one of the most demented nights I have had in....years. I feel like my heart and my bones have been smashed. I went to bed last night with a super sore neck and hoped it would not get worse. It got worse and then some. Let me just tell ya, there's nothing like opening your eyes then realize that you are gasping at the pain you are in. I have the sad face on tonight...
Deeply is my sadness to know of such pains have existed for thee. May the blissings of much healing cares be in search of thee. ~S~
Lost Highway!!!
07:25 Nov 10 2009 Times Read: 709
David Lynch has me awake tonight with his Lost Highway. I fucking love David Lynch. He's one of the strangest dudes on the planet, but he's such a damn good film maker.
Anybody else out there in the mood for some Twin Peaks?
Mr. Eddy is truly the shit. This was my particular favorite scene lol...
Fun with Lupus. I really like the chronic inflamatory thing in my neck....I really wish I could slip myself a mickey right about now lol...
My god...it's like feeling like you're gonna spew and having a friend suggest going out on a speedboat spontaniously. Which...kay, thats actually happened to me. GD fuckers lol.
*echos from waynes world* If you're gonna spew, spew into this...*
What else can a bitch about. Oh yeah. Night two...still no splenda. No freaking splendaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Fun.
Physical pain. I already know there's serious rain on the way...
God damn, freaking arthritis is so bad tonight, I can hardly stand the burning, inflamatory crap thats happening right on the back of my neck....right under my tattoo. In my world, there's very little sleep and relief from pain. Arrrrrrrrgggg!!!!!! I want to find pain (much like the wind) and beat the crap out of it. Im off to my tin that smells like the seventies. Relax a little and enjoy something frightning on the movie chanels before I go turn it off and then go to sleep.
*Suddenly doesn't question why I've been having such whack job dreams...*
Dammit and I dont have any freaking sweetner to sweeten up that wicked gasoline flavored tension tamer that a friend made. *sighs* Always the short end of the stick lol...
COMMENTS
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SuicideDoll
22:25 Dec 09 2009
I can relate to this entry - especially about the comparison to ghosts, which I feel is a good analogy.