Great. She can't walk today...Im stressing more family issues. This has been a start to a rotten year by the way. Im really struggling with the thought that God is paying attention. Much like everyone else, he only hears the sound of my voice and just leaves me hanging. My mother's M.S. has been giving her shit since Christmas. Her specialist in this valley gave her an experimental drug that apparently causes heart attacks in birds and rats...........................so that's just awsome, right? It helps remove the nasties from her spinal cord but now she feels like she has giant weights tied around her ankles.
She cries when she calls and I can't seem to help at all. In fact, the other day I was walking back home from my sister's house and im on the cell trying to give her some words.....some inspiration to keep on GOING. She broke down and said,
"At least you can walk! You're walking now and I want to!"
Then she had to go because her doctor was on the other line and just hung up. I just kinda stared at the cell and took a deep breath. Tried not to throw myself in front of the giant tow truck at the crosswalk. Ten fucking years of having her diagnosed wrong. One coma that should have taken everything from her. Everything lost for us all shortly after that.
What do I have to do?! What can I say? Im lost.
My sister has been sleeping most of these issues away and im getting a little pissy with her for that. It's wrong. She's got issues too. But damn...sometimes ZERO effort is made on her part. I get it, she's in pain. She's tired too. So am I. My body burns 24/7 now and each step I take is a painful one too. Literally.
I still care. I still feel that my blood kin is in need and I dont want to rest until something is made better.
The only member of this family who didn't give up on anyone was my great grandfather, Poppy.
The kindest...
Most caring...
But he's been long gone and I find that I have to remind myself that eventhough he's rolling in his grave at how hateful and selfish we've ALL been, he wouldn't want us to fall apart. Not now. No matter what.
Im taking a huge breath. I have to clear my mind. I have to remind myself that some things are out of my control.
I am not in charge of the plan at hand.
There is a plan still, right?
By the way Lance, you were kind of a queen to me the other day but I love you. Stop hitting on Tom. He's straight. His door aint gonna swing that way...
*shrugs*
COMMENTS
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Isis101
22:34 Jan 30 2011
I've never seen it, but it looks totally bad-ass!
captainglobehead
19:39 Jan 31 2011
I LOVE this one! Thank you for introducing me to it almost a year ago!