I'm feeling pretty out of it tonight. I have that numb feeling from head to toe....and the vacant stare. My mind behind it is somehow trying to comprehend all that has happened since Valentines Day. My grandmother (yes, I had a grandmother, my mother's adopted mother) had a serious stroke on Valentines Day (which is also my mother's birthday). When I went to call my mother and wish her a happy birthday (since we started talking again, along with my sister), my stepfather informed me that my mom wasn't home because she was on a flight to texas to rush to my grandmother. On the 14th the doctors in Texas didn't expect her to survive the night. To make matters even more depressing......my grandmother had a do not resitate order.I had not spoke to that woman since my father's passing which was ten years ago. I called my uncle and aunt (again, hadn't spoken to them in ten years because of the comments they made about my father's passing) and they were a wreck. I told them I was with them in spirit and praying for them and grandma. They cried...and thanked me.
My mother stayed in my grandmother's home while she was dying in the hospital. She told me that my grandmother had pictures of me and my sister on her bedroom walls. A framed copy of the poem I wrote...the same poem she submitted to a poetry library and had published for me. She had picures of my sister holding her awards from when she used to figure skate back in the day.....
I thought for the longest time, she forgot all about us. Turns out...she never did. After my mother couldn't take it there alone...she flew back home and we waited to hear anything further.
On Sunday, February 21, 2010 at approx 6pm....she her body gave out and she passed away.
I have been asked to attend her funeral by my family and it will be tuesday or wednesday. She will be buried at the same cemetry as my great grandfather (my Poppy) and my great grandmother (my nanna). Along side of my great grand parents will be my Grandpa Henry (Russ as we called him) and my grandmother will be buried along side of him. I have never attended a funeral for a family member and the only funeral I have been to was for an ex employee who worked in chairity for homeless women and children...but it was very strange to me, I went to a service at a Mormon church and they have special ways of doing things.
My Aunt's side of the family is ruthless and catty....in fact, they are already trying to make this funeral, a more 'christian' based funeral. By that, I mean, they want a WIDE variety of flowers for her casket and my Aunt wants to sing christian songs.
Look, Im not trying to sound like a complete cunt over here but if she starts singing anything or laying flowers down (because she comes from a long line of flamboyant florists), I am going to have to speak up right then and there as RESPECTFULLY as possible. See, my grandmother was JEWISH. She is going to be buried in a JEWISH cemetry next to my Poppy who was the ONLY man who kept the Jewish traditions sacred when he was alive. I believe my Poppy had much to be rolling around in his grave for, back in 1999 when my sister and I had to go through our father's passing and then the family broke up. Poppy always wanted us girls to be taken care of and loved....we may not have gotten what he wished for, but we're okay with that. We always have his love and what he taught us...to respect our Elders. There is to be no flowers on the casket...there wont be so long as I am there. There is to be no singing of Christian music....and there wont be so long as my sister is there...and we WILL be.
After the funeral we must go back to my mother's house where we have to dispose of the clothes we wore to the funeral and we must take off our shoes and leave them outside before we enter the home. We will also have to cover up the mirrors (not out of vanity or anything....im actually unclear as to why we do that since in half jewish and wasn't taught about these things). My mom's side of the family was very unorthadox after our Poppy died. From then on we will be sitting shiva (i believe I spelled that right).
This is all very overwhelming to me and im very out of it. I have alot to go through with my family. Wow...'alot to go through WITH my family'. That's a statement I thought I'd never be able to hear myself say again. We're all trying VERY hard to be more loving to eachother and be there for eachother. This has been a real eye opener for my mother as well....who unfortunatley has been so disconnected from 'family values' or 'family traditions' in so long. I feel terrible that she's hurting, mourning, crying and lost her mother. I am there for her. My sister is there for her. My stepfather is there for her. Hell, even my stepfather has been especially sensitive with me and my sister...(something he hasn't done in over 8yrs).
Rest in peace grandma Anette...I know you're in a much better place now. A place without suffering, pain and tears. The same place where Poppy, Nanna and Russ are with you right now.
*hangs head and prepares myself for what lies ahead....
*a deep and heavy tearful sigh*
COMMENTS
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SuicideDoll
11:54 Feb 22 2010
I'm very sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing and I send my condolences. Hopefully things will be peaceful and free of outbursts.
Regarding the mirrors, I have heard it is so that those in mourning do not have to worry about their appearance, but I could be wrong.
Again, best wishes and condolences.
Fizbop
21:22 Feb 22 2010
You'll make it through this hard time.
atyourwindow
23:48 Feb 22 2010
*hugs* i know things seem shitty right now but they have to get better, thats the way the universe works, when it rains it pours.
Murph
08:07 Feb 23 2010
My dear friend,
My sincerest condolences, thoughts and prayers to you and your family. It is very respectful and brave that you and your sister plan to stand up for your Grandmother's beliefs during her services. You are doing the right thing.
In reference to covering the mirrors during Shiva this is why it is done...
There are two reasons for covering mirrors during Shiva.
First, mourners should not have to be concerned about their personal appearance. No one should expect them to look their best at a time when they feel their worst. In fact, the tradition suggest that mourners should be conscious of the fact that, for at least a week, all their normal priorities have changed, and appearance is nowhere on the list of things that are important at such a time.
The other consideration is that, for the same reason one may not have or use a mirror in the sanctuary of a synagogue, one may not have a mirror in a room where people will pray. It is considered idolatrous to look at a representation of a human being during prayer, when our thoughts should be directed only to God.
I hope this is helpful.
"Hamakom y'nachem etchem b'toch sh'ar availai tziyon ee yerushalayim." May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.
Murph
PS My dearest writer friend....you did spell it right.
Malky
19:46 Feb 28 2010
wow family stuff is always hard though hun.
and somethings thats weird, i called my mom's dad poppy too :D
ImageMaker
18:02 Mar 02 2010
Sometimes words are just not what is needed, but it's all a I can give here and now, so I just want to let you know i'm sorry for your loss.