DestroyingAngel's Journal
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1 entry this month
11:32 Dec 14 2010
Times Read: 639
She closed her eyes and a single tea light candle flickered from the old wooden table. The way the flame would cast it’s hypnotic colors. She felt as if her heart was racing and stopping every now and then. She wondered why she felt as if somebody had kicked her in the chest. All of the things that would have been so much better if she had not been born.
She imagined that there wouldn’t be anymore destruction. To herself and to others around her or who ever she met. She wouldn’t have to put her head down with some sort of sadness in it.
There wouldn’t be panic. There wouldn’t be the anxiety of several things that need to be done in a day or in a few hours. The way one minute could change her life forever. The pain of the clock going tick tock. On and on. More numbers that have to add up to only one in the end. Zero.
She closed her eyes shut because sometimes even the light from a single small candle was too bright to take. She wanted to be in what her soul felt so she pulled the blankets over her head and wrapped her arms around herself. Dark and cold. Lifeless. Like a billion times in the past.
There wouldn’t be anymore lies. Not from the mouths of people who told her that they loved her. Even those little ‘white ones’ she hated so much.The way they injected venom into her soul. She wouldn’t feel as if her whole state of being was toxic. To herself and to the world.
She pulled her knees closer to her chest. Firmly pressed together and a small groan escaped from her pale lips. Even the sound of her own breathing was annoying and pointless her. It seemed obsurd now, to keep doing the very thing that keeps leading to this. It simply wasn’t needed anymore.
There wouldn’t be anymore pain. She sighed again and the hot sting of tears hurt her eyes. They spilled out from the corners of her eyes as one caressed and kissed the tip of her nose. Her bottom lip trembled and she bit down on it in some sort of attempt to make this feeling stop. The feeling she could only describe as emptiness. Nothing and numb. To make these thoughts stop. She wiped away at the tears and tossed and turned.
And tossed and turned some more.
Every thought of this isolation was like a speeding ambulance in the distance. She could feel the urgency of her situation. An emergency she didn't need help for. She felt as if she was already dead. The absolute darkness.
She inhaled and exhaled. Breathing slowly. Her arms wrapped around herself tightly in several blankets. She imagined what it would be like if she was warm. The sweet feeling of body heat from somebody who should be there with her but is not.
Lover and best friend but not there to make this all end. If only. If ONLY...
There wouldn’t be anymore pain. She cried with some sort of delight at the thought of this. She wouldn’t have to feel as if she had been beaten from head to toe. Exhausted or worn out. The pain of not knowing as well as knowing why. There wouldn’t be anymore tears just as it was for her at that very moment. She wouldn’t have to worry about being the cause of somebody else’s pain. She wouldn’t have to be worried that she’s being a pain to anybody, just by living and breathing. Loving and losing. This journey of feeling so alone. The pain of reminding herself that all of these things are happening. The pain of wanting the most simple and free things from life. The pain of being denied of it. The pain of trying over and over to understand why she is so loved and so alone. The pain of what she must have done wrong. Why these things were somehow always her fault. She wondered what it would feel like to be free from hate and anger. To just be free from the feeling that nobody is listening. To be free from these nights. All alone in the dark. The pain of it all. She imagined what the end could be like for her. She didn’t want all this confusion. She couldn't take it anymore. There wouldn’t be anything left. Not even her heartbeat. She sighed.
“Would be so nice…” she whispered in the darkness.
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