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Somehow I feel sad...like something would heavy lie on my heart... I want to cry...but i can't...ThankYou daddy for that!!! I was always told that i can't cry, that i have to be strong...

Well I'm SICK of that. I'm sick of who I am, i get sick when i see myself in a mirror...i get sick of my thoughts, my body and everything that I've ever touched...

I shouldn't be in this world, i don't belong here, only my existence hurts people, people that love me, and i can't give back the same people. even if I show up in a place someone falls down hurts his/her leg, and someone has to go bad, when he's near me... I bring people down even if i don't want that. I fucked up my mom's life, by coming to early into this 'lovely' world which couldn't except me as I am...And I dun give a fuck...that's what I try to tell myself every single day...but with every single breath i take, it goes only worse. And the dreams that i have built, future plans, that seemed so beautiful to me...now I'm destroying them with my own hands. I hate myself for being someone as I am. I hate myself because I can't change the way I am.

Maybe someone would say, why should I...but no one gets happy if this will go on...

Maybe killing myself would be a solution...but i can't raise my hand against me...I can't jump off the roof, i can't just commit a suicide. I'm afraid of death.

Even if my existence makes myself feel bad about it. I love life, I'm happy to face everything... I'm so fucking afraid to die... what if there's nothing? what if it ends with your last heart beat.... what if???

I don't want to be nothing...I don't want to feel nothing...I don't want not to excist...

This is killing me...and my soul, it's getting only worse. But i want to fight...i don't want to give up like that and runaway from this life like a coward, I'm not like That;