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i just posted on Ever wounder what Hell is like, i hope that i didn't say too much

I have learned an important lesson today, well it is more correct to say i suppose to say an important realization. Man kind is the worst species to have come into exsistance to my knoweldge. Of all of the creatures on this planet we are the only ones to have the traits of greed and decadence.

I mean think about it. Have you ever seen any other creature hord things to themselves in which they do not need? Have you ever seen any other creature continualy go out of its way to please itself to extremes even at the cost of other beings?

People have tried to convince me that I am somehow wrong in what I think. The only things they can produce are that we do good things as well. I am not so impressed by such things however such as unity, teamwork, compassion. Think of creatures such as the ant, wolves, elephants. They show these same exact traits as well. These features are not unique to humans, we are not the only things out there doing such noble acts.

I suppose that with a more sophisitacted mind comes such debauchery, and I must wonder, is it really worth it? Are all of these so called advancements really worth all of the suffering and immorality they produce?

I believe that we need such things such as religions that tell us of our "great nature", our "superiority to animals", and our "compassion" to drown out all of the horrific acts that we do like genocide, theivery, debauchery, decandence, greed (so much more must I bore you with them all). We use such noble things to make the diabolical things we do to seem alright, because after all we know better now don't we.

For all the good things we do, we do things far worse for in their own light are good things as well. Well for the individual, so often I see someone getting hurt for no reason just so another can get ahead in life. So often when I see humanity doing anything of decency, there is an other taking adavantage, for their own good. ( when disaster strikes it is true that we will pull together to help one and other, but we will just as quickly take advantage of this and pull scams that feed off of compassion to do evil, is there no point that is so low that we as a speices will not go lower? we take even good to do terrible things.)



Any truly rational person can not be a true optimist, it is not actually possible. Atleast I cannot see how, only a fool can look at this and say we are truly doing better (better? look at us, thousands of years ago things we're all the same if not better than we are now. at best we are the equals to such past occuances, we have not actually changed at all. the romans fell into the same trap, we watch the history of it, understand that their decandence was wrong and terrible, and yet we do it all the same. we can love a good argument all we please, and we can agree with it all we wish, but not actually believe and follow such rationality, such wisdom that we know is right, well that is foolish. why on earth would one put something wise into practice when our pleasure will be taken from us? why improve anything if that is to be gone?)



I believe that ant optimist is at least at some level very passionate or a fool. take one's pick, any person that wishes to deal with reality and make anything better would be pessimistic. we are not the feel good bunny wunny bullshit players, we deal with what is going on and see things for how they are. I suffer enough to consider sucide on an almost daily basis, and I am a pessimist, and it is so often people like myself who have to go out seeing what is wrong and either fixing it or getting some optimist to fix it so things will actually improve. (*side thoughts, ahh fuck, that sucide is getting tempting againnnnn, this shit is so hard to explain, I suppose I would have to write a few thick novels full of what not to convice anyone,so many of the optimists I have spoken to are hardly rationale, and for the ones that are, even they admit to themselves that they aree fools for their ways and just don't care if they are. nihilism is sounding alot like heaven right now, fuck this stupid crusade, sorry to anyone that reads this and wanted moree, i have had enough bullshit for one evening)

just looked it up on the internet, i definatl qualify as being depressed. not a big fuckin' surprise condsidering i have had little to no actual will to live for i'd say atleast a year, i am only writing this because i have nothing else to do with myself

I would be a fool not to admit this in some way; but even I too need some sort of compainonship. even though it maya not be of any sexual nature, and even if it makes me sound somewhat dependent and weak. I very much need another to be with, to talk to, even if it is talking about a bunch of nothing. even if the person is always physicaly apart from me (close even to commune with in person but not touching) just to have someone there once in a while is essential.

This comes to be said after much grief for it goes against some things that I have preached in the past. I no longer care though, damned be the idea that one cannot find a better way after years of preaching another.

there are going to be a lot of poems that are probably below par that I am submitting, and I apologize, I sometimes will just write and try to be creative but the pain sometimes stays locked away as some sort of defense measure I guess because of how close i am to the edge on things.



again if you see a lot of ehh stuff, that is why

Had a tough time early this morning ( 12:30 or so a.m.) The full force of my love for someone far away decided to pull the fibers of my heart to a pile on the floor leaving me with watery eyes.



I am not sure at all where this came from other than the fact that a friend of mine and I had an adventure just like my love and I used to not long before.



I know I am quite young for such things, but I do believe that I truly do love this person. I believe it has been every day since I met her, those 2 some odd years ago, that I have thought of her at least some . And it feels like I am constantly looking for something in myself that isn't there except when I can feel my love for her.



I love her, more than I knew I could love. For her faults I adore, by her good parts I am speechless with emotion.

I love her in a way even that agrees with me being an asexual, and I love that fact too.

She is to marry another soon, and I love that fact that she has found someone for her.



I don't know if anymore of this feeling can exsist in one such as myself, other than I know that I will likely just end up filling another ocean with it towards her.



It is with all of this in me that I felt such agony this morning. That I cannot see her, at least not for quite a long time more. That a part of who I am is more than a State from me. That I must let my soul continue to bleed profusely while I am from her. That she gave me a wish of her love in a letter, and I cowarded at being able to say the same, and I know not why, I know not why I could not give her a wish of my love that morning, when I have given her it so many dozens of times before.



For love, we must adore pain.