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I don't know, I suppose this is just one of my wishing I was dead periods or what not. Life seems to continuously degenerate. It seems like my emotions are on a sine wave going from periods of happiness, to indifference, to depression, back up to happiness again. I have been living with this for a while, more than a year, probably longer. It is really begining to take a toll upon me though. Simply knowing that no matter what I do I will feel like shit in due time for no reason, and then feel better again for no reason. Granted I enjoy being depressed, I find the indifference I get from it soothing; but life emeltary horrid to have these constant ups and downs that are out of my control. It is my suspecion that I am bi-polar or something, but no health care means I get to be ignorant of it.

I have watched problems I solved regenerate, and dissolve, only to come right back again.

If anyone reads this, do you know how to cope with this?

I just went through one of the threads on here, can't remember the name suddenly though.

At any rate, I was reminded of someone that I fell in love with, but couldn't be with, and watching everything fall apart before my eyes. It has been about 1 year and 8 months since I last saw her. Every single one of the days since I first saw her I have thought of her.

The part that I believe hurts the most is the fact that she loved me as well. The things that kept apart were to great though. She is hetro, and I am a, and she had to go back to her home in another state at the end of that romantisized summer.

What drove the nail further into myself when I read the thread was the mention of loving your friend and hearing the news that she is to marry and you wish them the best. This is exactly my situation. They marry in about a year or so. Although I am actually very happy that she has found someone right for her. It eases the pain not.

I am hoping to find someone that I can love, and can love me, and be in a relationship which I want to be in. Every now and then, though, the idea of actually finding another asexual seems further and further away. The main thing that eases this is that I am using the time untill my path crosses over one, is, that I am trying to find myself; which I will need to have done anyway before anything will work.



It is true, what they say. That it is better to have loved and lost, then never have loved at all.

I find this true even with the added pain.