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Determined to build up enough strength to do one-armed push-ups.... Right now, it's:

Gravity: 100

Me: 3

It's amazing how much the love you have inside can conversely become an impressive force of destruction?

The absence is unbearable. I keep going through the motions, and then disappearing. Why? There are no substitutes and we have fought so hard...



The tunnel has to end somewhere. There has to be light after all the darkness we have been separated by. We didn't claw and bite and work so hard to fight just to be stripped of our world.

Damn, babe -- can't fathom a future without you.

I need one, please?!?!?!?!

Having another day of wanting to stay curled up into a ball ready to disappear.. i feel my fuel tanks running on empty without that connection, that quid pro qup of love and sharing and overall feeling that centered feeling gravity normally never provides until you meet the someone you survived this long -- through all the hypocrisy and paid; just surviving and making the most out of your days for... All that boot camp to finally have it pay off...



And then, have the carpet pulled out from under your feet. For the world to no longer spin on its axis and you to have gravity let go and watch you float off into oblivion...



And all you can do? As you fight for air, as you fight for your place in the world, albeit half empty -- is to keep exceeding yourself and possibly bullshitting yourself into the hope and belief that the magnetism of soul-mates, will bring you through the battles in order to win the war.



I want this life. I've fought hard. I'm not backing down. Some days, it just hurts more than I'm ever prepared to handle, especially, when I think I've mastered the last level of pain I thought couldn't get worse. Some days.... I look down at my gauntlets and want to just throw them away.

I don't chill with many people. Im very much a loner. My best-friend I've known since I was fifteen and I can't even hang with him because he inevitably goes into the "we should've dated" or "you should've married me" spiel that sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me.



He always apologizes and says he just loves being best friends, which is blatant lie of politician proportions.



Meanwhile, I'm forced to go back my fortress of solitude because I'm unable to chill with my supposed best-friend, "mr googly-eyes".



FML

COMMENTS

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BLOODLIFE
16:22 Oct 18 2013

At least you reach out through your words!

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DuckStar
18:23 Oct 18 2013

I have a friend I've known for 10+ years that always does that to me.

He is one of the closest people to me, having been through hell and back by my side, but I always have to give him the "dude, friends is all we are, will ever be, let's be grateful for that" kind of speach.



I feel your distain and pain.

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xxEmaeraldxx
18:35 Oct 18 2013

I married my best friend..heh, it didn't all fit immediately but the penny dropped 'eeeeeventually' and the love just keeps on growing :)

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CryingDutchess
19:45 Oct 18 2013

From a room; alone. I reach out without any expectations of being read, understood or anything...



This is where I spit out the venom.



But thank you, Blood -- you make a valid point. At least, it's something

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CryingDutchess
19:59 Oct 18 2013

Em, right now, my best-friend, lover, confidant and protector have been separated from each other (thanks government) since March. I have never felt so lost. It took so much to believe in someone, to let them in, to make them a part of you and not have to even breathe a wisp of regret.



So, I hear you and I appreciate your situation and that you took time to share it. It makes my heart smile!

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Sitting in a group therapy session as the only female... Again.

Having these skeevy guys trying to pick me up when I'm here for something unrelated to hooking up -- especially, with some single-toothed schizo who probably eats paste when no one is looking.



There is no way I can continue with this. I'm so very interested in moving away, again. Maybe, back to London. Maybe, Sweden...



*queue serious moment music* see, I don't get close to people. I have serious fear of intimacy issues because nothing hurts more than when a good thing comes to an end. I, for whatever reason can't breathe when I think of falling in love... Or even like... Because, I only know how to love one way and it's that all or nothing, ride or die, kamikaze kind of love.



I'm the toughest little monkey you'd ever meet. I'm fantastically loyal, I pride myself on my loyalty an honor code -- but I'm the loneliest little girl you'll never get to really know... Even though I want you to know me. Simply because I'll never want to lose what can become a part of me.



Ugh, I sound like a total pussy. This probably makes zero sense and thankfully, is too long for anyone to give a damn to read.

COMMENTS

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DuckStar
20:56 Oct 17 2013

Nope.

Makes perfect sense and in a way, I understand it.

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Too lazy to code my profile. That's a damn shame! And mine was so very awesome....

*sings*Someone left my profile in the rain!

And I don't think I can take it

Cuz it took so long to make it

And I probably will never be that high again!!!!!!

No nutritional value and people tend to not take you as seriously, or in close quarters.



You're welcome for my honesty.

COMMENTS

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SamotDuKyrie
23:42 Oct 08 2013

Thank you so much for it. :)

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CryingDutchess
23:50 Oct 08 2013

I'm working to take the next generation to the next level... One shoveler at a time.

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