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And the best part is I got to see them smile about it :)



I know I don't share much of my real time, nor do I think I should have to. VR is my get away, and frankly I'm sick of people assuming that because I take a joke from here that everything I do has to do with this place. It does not.



My friend I wish there were more that I could do to encourage your laughter, as you need it- no you deserve it.



Here is the doll, before it was given





Wait what is that in my hand?! A blue pen… why would I hold that?!





Only to impale the doll! WOoo Hooo VooDoo doll that is impalable >:)







BTW, I do know who I hope you make the doll into- then again, if I could I would remove the pain. You are in my thoughts.

Once it has been given to its new owner, I will post pictures of the finished doll.



I didn't do as much with it as I thought, mainly because it made it too busy. What I did do, is funny and functional :D YAY to voodoo stress relief in the name of laughing and having fun :D

Guess what I'm making for a friend...





VOODOO! :D heh finished picture will follow...

Things that are said on Facebook that just sound wrong.



You were tagged.



You've been sold.



I love it when you poke me.

I just burped Mackerel.



I am at a complete loss as to if I should be grossed out or... uh... Damn.

So I did what any "proper" female having a day where they want to celebrate would do... I went shopping :)



First I made the big- note the word BIG mistake of seeing Transporter 3. RUN AWAY. They fuck up the story horribly by falling for the old Hollywood cliché of making it a romance. It simply does not work. Ruined my entire thoughts of "hey let's watch things blow up, instead of chick flick", instead I had shitty chick flick with four good fights. :( At least I only paid $4.20 for the movie. That's a dollar for each fight... ok I'm breaking even there.



I followed that up with a sushi dinner that I have wanted for the past month. YAY sushi- enough said.



I finished my afternoon with a stroll down Richmond row and Victoria Park. I love this time of year, where the air is brisk and the lights are bright. Window shopping is another thing I adore. I went into a women's boutique in the hopes of finding some dress shirts. Sadly for me they didn't have any in my size or the colour I wanted. However they did have a costume ring and then a stunning sterling silver one. Well, I originally was looking for Christmas presents and clothing for work/presentations... but they were so pretty and well- there was no tax.



So now I'm home and really just wanting to go back to reading my book and relaxing. It turned out to be a great day, and now since the day of last year's trauma is over, I think I will sleep like the dead tonight- I have to say I'm really looking forward to it. I just didn't realize until this am when I was doing my make up what day today represented, nor how much it affected me.



Happy Thanksgiving, I am grateful for life.

It's times like these that I realize the accent that VR leaves on each and everyone one of us that log in regularly. All the fun times that we learn to wait around until they happen again.



I am reminded of family, and today of all days is one that I am a little resentful of my choices. Today will be my third thanksgiving away from family. My first year here, I returned home for Christmas, and last year I could not afford to go.



I am grateful for what I have, but a little resentful that I am not able to share my moments with those I love. Right now as the ache sets in, I cannot even call for it is only going to be 6am.



There are times I forget how far my choices have brought me from everything and everyone I know. Please don't get me wrong, I would not change them and have no intention of leaving. It just makes me sad. Sad that I can't just have a friend who understands what this is like- the isolation of being new.



I have friends here, and some very good ones. But it is just not the same as those you grew up with. It's morning like this that I "hover" online to see who else might be around, so I don't feel quite so alone. Then I am reminded of what I was told over and over again when I moved, how others would never do what I have done.



Then I didn't get it, and truthfully I still don't. Because even when I had the comfort of friends, if I am honest I felt alone then too.



Today is a day I am reminded how hard some of my choices have been, and how even though time has past, how much they still hurt. It will not be until next year that I am truly able to spend holidays with family. Is it wrong to just want to jump ahead in time? For right now that is exactly what I want to do. I want to know what is going to happen.



Cusp of change.



There is so much more to endure and I am so very fatigued right now. It would be a great day to just simply lie in bed and read. Not to do anything but enjoy the snippet of another person's life. Perhaps after I do a family tradition of a movie on Thanksgiving, I will end with that.



A few hours away from the want and the wait of change.

My third night awake at 3am. So far none of my typical routine for these nights has broken it.



I am too worried.



Too tired.



And at a complete loss of how to help.



I hate that. Nothing makes me feel more helpless than to not know what my footing at least is, and there is nothing worse than only having this to offer. I wish I knew what to say, and do- this is where a "Life manual" would help.



Something I have realized although with all this extra time to think alone, is that I miss the mountains. Not really mountains, but the forests and wild areas. Every Saturday I do a fitness walk around the Pond in Dorchester, and in these nights I realized why it touches me so much.



I miss hiking. And it is one thing I will not do alone. Because of two things: 1. unless highly used trail, it's just not a good idea for a recreational hiker *yes my grandfather was a mountaineer, but I do know better*.



2. This is the real reason: I would be tempted to not return. Those stories of people disappearing into the mountain- I have often wanted to do that. Granted I am not talking self destruct, more like go build hut and live. So I mean I would find small town and set up there...



Beauty is what draws me there, and the roughness of the life. You can't play games to survive there, you must work. Those that make it thrive, the rest... well they leave. There is something that leaves me breathless with that ideal of how life is in the wild. Something that speaks into my core...



Perhaps this is the thought I will sleep on.

I am in awe at the strength of me. Crafted from pain and fire, still with these tools I am fragile to a hit placed just so.



Do any of us ever really understand how beautifully fragile we are? That a single word can break or strengthen our resolve? I want to be stronger than I am, but I do not think I can handle more.



Alone, it is something you said to me and most would say they are. Yet I wonder, how many have pushed away any close relationship from them? How many have worn their strength as a weapon?



Truth is- if I am completely honest I have isolated myself from every comfort and friend I have had. The pain of closeness while desiring more moves me to leave. Even now, when I know there is anguish I want nothing more than the words I’ve shared and in the same breath my being says, “RUN! You are broken.”



That is my complete truth- I do not know how to cope with the pain others inflicted onto me.



I was not always so- but the games you detest were my youth. I did not realize it then, but for twenty years I was raised by someone who thought they would “lay claim” to me and have me accept that. Time after time I was ridiculed for showing weakness and letting people too close, because you don’t do that with anyone but family.



Only I was smarter than they were, and I have always been willing to destroy for the sake of betterment. What kind of person will willingly do this? If I were certain of the outcome there is nothing I would not sacrifice to improve life from this illness, this hatred of humanity and its fragility.



I wish to run, because if I stay, I fear that my programming will kick in, habits, doubts and hurt. I am just not that strong. To break in such a complete manner would instigate change that I don’t know if I will allow myself to risk. I want to, truly believe that there is nothing I have dreamed of more. Still I won’t willingly put another person through that kind of suffering. Knowing there is fresh pain, where nothing more is deserved than hope, and happiness. I would have you have all that life offers, joy to live your bliss.



More importantly I would never want to poison another in the manner I was. While alone is something others suffer, it has been my choice, even though I want to change it desperately.



There is a point in hurt where touch is needed and if I recoil from it, or shy away it is because I fear if I accept it I will loose it again. Perhaps this is the reason I choose a healing art, to try to heal myself. I do not have answers, only too many questions and never the time to ask them for fear of abandonment.



I am in awe of the strength of this broken me.

And the winner of the funniest line tonight goes to....



"OMG OMG OMG I was an accidental skank!"

Yes the avatar goes burpy burpy... I just wanted more, well smiley!



Fact is, I typically smile a lot- and well, I want to.



SO THERE! :P

So last night I was awoken by the truck the clears our roads at 1:30 flippin am. I couldn’t get back to sleep until close to 4:30am. I was supposed to get up and leave by 6:30 am so I could make my 9am hair appointment with no worries about the snow storm we were in.



Unfortunatley that is not what happened. I woke at 7:15, had to rush the puppies to potty and then run out the door and get gas and coffee. After waiting on the highway for an hour, I finally get to the interchange and then hit clear roads. By this point I’m about an hour late.



I get off at the right exit… but then, I take the wrong turn. Which then takes me another HOUR out of my way. So two hours late, I arrive for my hair appointment. *sigh* But YAY the results are awesome. What you can’t see due to horrid lighting, is that my hair is now red :D

2 drinks simply wasn't enough to deal with this am. A hangover would be more welcome...



*bangs head on computer*

Maddy was Holmes' first "girlfriend". My friend Robin adopted her shortly after we met- and she started rowing for the team I was on. I had gotten Holmes 2 years prior as a graduation gift.



During the 2.5 years that I trained and the 3 years she was in Seattle, Robin and I would walk Holmes and Maddy every day for hours at a time. I just found out that Maddy died 2 weeks after our rowing coach died.



Sadly I now do not want to bring Holmes to visit- as he will miss Maddy. I just know it. Last time he saw them she was the first place he went to- and then followed around. To take him to visit without her... breaks my heart. My baby is getting very old, and I just hate that... deeply hate it.

I blame Nightblossom.



Seriously all her fault. She lived with me and knows how I get around numbers *points to her journal* :P



Ok, time for serious R&R since last night my sleep was pffftttt.



Deep thoughts: Does drool on your pillow mean that you find that person extra special? Or is that wet panties on your pillow? Or drool in your panties?

Thank you to those of you who understood that I was putting a very personal issue out in my journal.



For those that simply don't get it, understand this: Being a woman in this or any age is not easy. We are still considered a minority for a very real reason- equality is not simply given to women unless it is asked for.



The pressures that some of us feel or don't feel simply cannot be fully understood by you unless you have lived them. No, not all women have had the issue, because some have never been or felt treated differently. Still on average women make 20% less than men in the same profession in the good ole US of A. That should say volumes to the men out there.



No matter how well the individual men treat us, there still is a long way for women to go- and many would consider "battles to be fought." I simply do not see it as thus.



I think there are other ways that we can attain equality without battles of the sexes. The problem, it changes the dynamics between men and women. What has happened from our previous social stances has now created a generation of women attempting to be like Barbie and role models like Paris Hilton. I work with women who are like this, and while I adore them- it does sadden me that they blindly go where the media guides instead of forging forward independently.



Then again I had movies like "Dead Poets Society", "Pump up the Volume" and such to shape my personal id when I was young. I was fortunate to have family who tried to protect me, in doing so also added to my "issues" although that was the furthest thing in their mind. The ideals of feminism should be about the right for women to choose, and then from there they should be allowed equal treatment. But that opens another topic- that perhaps in the future I will express more fully. Back to the one of tonight-



My point is this: My journal - MY THOUGHTS.



Don't like it, or think I'm wrong- well that is your thought. You have your own journal put it there. There is nothing "delusional" about stating what my experiences have been. Nor am I conceited enough to think everyone finds me attractive- hell my avatar I have now was taken on web cam simply because I wanted a picture of the new makeup I had purchased. Frankly I hate how red my eyes are, but they tend to look that way right after I first apply my makeup. Also I have not brushed my hair yet, sadly I could go on about the ways that I’m not perfect- and some of the things I truly distain about myself- but that will have to wait for another entry some other day where I think it’s appropriate to share my thoughts with those that might understand and might “get it.” Or for the day I simply do as I did earlier, try to understand myself in my own words.



I know you commented to see what I would say, and to stir shit- simply because you have come back at least 3 times to see if I would respond. Lucky for you my dog choose tonight to knock over the garbage and eat it... so I'm still angry about that and being up at 3:45am. So there, you have a response- goody goody.



Damn dog- as much as I love her, I now have to make certain the crap she ate passes. Such is another day on VR, shifting through the crap in the hopes that the pearls are not hidden or destroyed.

Seriously, too many people today try to be “Cinderella.” Having grown up always being considered “pretty” I learned early on how to put up a wall and only allow those that talked to me as a person close as a friend. I never asked to be a face or something that is not taken serious in any sort of business or relationship.



Truth is, I’ve only had friendships as most men are afraid to approach me, or view me as the one to be “broken”, “tamed”, “controlled” or worst of all “out of their league.” The one relationship I had was purely so that I could keep an abusive person in my family away from my person.



I value and actively seek friendship, and from that hope that a person will show themselves to be a partner. Still I fail horribly at this, because I’ve kept myself away from people and because people stay away from me. My silly, eclectic behaviour is just one way of making people more at easy with my over all being. I am far from perfect. I simply just want to be asked.



I know this, still I often wonder if I didn’t look as I do, and if I were more “feminine” in my size and demeanour would things be different for me? Would I have the issues I have seen from other “pretty girls” where when they say “no” they mean “sure, cause I’m too nice to say fuck off.” Or would I be more average in that I would have been approached by one of the men I find to be a friend and now have some of the things I have always wanted?



The dumber and more obnoxious I get, the more I can make friends- but that is the furthest thing from my desires. I am not trying to get “oh you’re pretty comments”, I am simply trying to explore some thoughts that keep going through my head into some means of understanding. I don’t loose weight, as I hate being ogled like an object, still I want to look good. I hate that people have said things to me implying because I have certain physical features that I am different, better or above another person.



This is a personal entry- I simply don’t get it. I know I’m not unattractive, but knowing me and my thoughts- I am the furthest thing from what I consider pretty or beautiful. Still I find myself wanting that vailidation, that I am ok. Don't worry I have no intentions of changing me, as I am who I am by design. Yet, does that make behaviour and assumptions based solely on looks and one or two meetings all right? I get that there are no right answers, and I get that I may never understand or appreciate myself the way that others do…



Still I wonder if the grass is truly greener and if I could be an ugly stepsister even for a day.

The intro takes about 30 seconds, well worth the wait.

One approval. One person that I’ve spent more than 18 years knowing and living a separate life from. It is ironic timing that I found him on facebook now, considering he is one person that I would move for and considered prior to my choosing Canada. Funny thing is, to many Americans there is not much difference in Alaska vs. Canada- and they could not be more wrong.



I remember a good friend when we were all in university together saying, “I see you marring him.” Just like that, although she used his name. A true kindred spirit, one that makes me laugh when I want to cry and one that is a voice of reason when I want to tear the world apart. Quirky would be a great descriptor for both of us. Yet life seems to be in a funny state when I start to feel one direction and solid on that path- only to have this… pain put in the way.



I want it all.



Where I am.



Who I am.



Them both.



I do not want to have to choose, although right now my gut says I will, and in the end I will loose as much as I gain.



Fuck.

I’m off to give a talk about what I do, and frankly I’m finding myself having to pause and remember what I try to teach others.



Balance.

Take care of yourself.

Joy.

Unwind.

Patience.

Love.



Someone posted recently in her journal how her mother said, “Approach with love.” That could not be truer. As a practioner, I have to approach everyone from this standpoint, because to not truly care would not create the change. Still I have learned and am continuing to learn how to hold a part of myself back.



It is not my journey.



Because of this, I can love, care and hope for the best- but the actions are not mine to take. I can say what I see, and empathize- but the follow through and self worth I cannot give. Were they mine I would heal everyone. True healing comes from the spirit and within. All I can do is hope to be the muse that leads someone in the right direction.



Many of you have read the words, “healer, heal thyself.” I’m not fully there yet, but understanding this little bit breaks my heart. For there are some I would tear myself apart to undo the pain and suffering they have gone through. Still part of me knows all that would get me is resentment and distain- it has happened before through my own hubris.



Love means letting go.



And damn if that doesn’t hurt me.

Just doesn't look the same.



Still it was and always will be your choice. Such is life, the only thing changing for me is how I approach it.



I still feel like I'm at a complete loss for words. One moment I'm estatic and elated, the next I have my nose down working in a fixed manner.



Had I been asked years ago I would have said this was done, over- now I just don't know. There is a part of me that has wanted nothing more than a friendship like this, and another that has feared it. Still like the other part of this entry it has nothing to do with me, it is out of my hands.



Change I feel it through and through. Not a bad thing, just different. I hope more than anything else that in this I can hold the memories of she that paved the way…



So much love and so much care.

I feel so uncool... I'm a WoW widow.



Damn the game, I'm not even married! lol

in the house called Gratitude. I just had to post about Egg Nog in my coffee. I love this time of year as the texture of the warm coffee and creamy goodness of Egg Nog just make me warm from the inside out.



Today I am seriously tired. I've been working and sleeping it seems, still I have so much more that I just can't seem to muster the energy for. Part of me wants to "hang out" but the other part just wants to lay back and yabber.



I had a really good talk the other day with a friend, and I'm grateful for that. And the stupid emoticons I will sometimes find when I step away from the computer. Life is more than good- it is full. There have been so many ups and downs, and I sense another change soon. Not in a bad way, it feels more like the one I've been working for. I am certain it will have many bumps and bruises- but at this point I don't just expect those, I welcome them.



Without the hurt do we really truly learn? Some might, but I tend to be one of those people that unless you beat it over my head I will still in some portion of me wonder "why not". Once I know, I attempt to keep on the path I should. Still there is more than the heartache and life to consider.



She stirs.



Honestly I'm quite abit afraid of that, as people react to me so strongly as I am, that to be her... I simply don't know. Almost... and many hurts to go, but what do they say?



You don't choose the path, the path chooses you.



Too many ways is this correct, and numberous others it is incomplete. I see patterns, some I have dreamed about my entire life, and other I have only begun to see. Exciting times are around us- and several more await...



Has the dreamer woken yet?

Breakfast at 3am.



It has been years since I've stayed out this late- and very much missed. It's nice to finally feel like I'm starting my "social" life again. Consider it a big do-over only I never stopped, I just moved.



While most of the time I will not be able to do this, for me, right now it is fun. Besides, I didn't know I could make it to 5am still :P



Woot to the old lady that can still pull and all nighter when with friends :D Night ya'll!

There is so much to say, still I don't want to write anything down. I'm acting silly due to how some have taken my comments or postings in the past.



Work is still... difficult, however I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. My time is still occupied mainly by that, and then attempting to get back some sort of social life.



My body has not had an easy week. Went to the gym Mon/Tues and then started to get the "taste" you know the metalic taste in the back of your throat that says, "I dare you to push it. You'll get so sick you'll live to rue it." Nursed that back to "normal" only to have my back go out.



Not in the horrendous I can't walk way that happened in Seattle. This is in the muscle spasims because I did an exercise that over worked my glutes and abs. Meh. That is one thing people overlook. How painful recovery remains for those that truly injure themselves- for the rest of their lives, if they do something that their body doesn't agree with.



I need a treatment. And I don't have time when I'm here- and I don't know if any of my friends still live in Seattle, for when I go there for my Brothers wedding. It will all work out- I'm just fatigued and wanting so many things... my mind just won't stop turning.



But words only allow for the mundane at this point.

I got flowers today :D



Not only that, it had my two most favorite kinds of flowers in the entire world in the arrangement.



YAY to the kind things clients do not knowing how much it totally brightened my day!

Michael Crichton RIP

I am eating homemade sugar cookies, with butter and icing. YUM

1. More energy

2. No work

3. Maid

4. Movie

5. Sleep



The reality



1. Work

2. More work

3. Dealing with someone who irks me

4. Putting a fake smile on while someone who is incompetent attempts to hand me my ass

5. Passing out



It really isn't that bad, I'm being way overtly dramatic. Still there are days where this is exactly what it seems like. Count down begins. To what? In truth I don't know, but I do know that while change is happening- attitudes are not changing which will equal a time bomb. I love the people I work with. I care about the person that treats me like shit- or I would not still be there. But there is only so much a person or in this case persons can take before a situation explodes. We are getting close to D-day, and I hope for everyone a solution arises that is outside the box. That way there will be no losers, just a difference.

She not only rocked her right to vote- she's gone and shown ya'll with her avatar.



That is the one thing over anything else that I pray I will see more of: Care. What happened to the times when we were proud to be American, and not in a holier than thou way? Where we are proud in the way that helped us identify our ideals and homeland. These days to be patriotic is a farce, or in worst cases it is a characterization that can be seen on TV.



While I may live in Canada, I am proud to be American for the ideals our founding fathers put into place and fought for. I stand by the constitution and the Amendments for we the people.



Even if you disagree with me, I am proud that we can disagree and both still are 100% American. If we all could just remember our freedoms and demand that the government not overstep its position in our lives. That is the foundation of this country, and it is what is waiting for us to claim as a people.



Go vote, don't let me choose our fate- choose it with me.

The team got 1st in the LW1x, 3rd in the LW2x and 2nd in the LW4+. YAY the people who beat us were the same teams we raced here. So it was a great showing for Ontario at the Nationals.



This is "not common" because typically BC crews clean up as they train year round with each other. West coast rowing and East coast rowing are two very different "beasts" as I'm learning.



For those of you that don't understand rowing terms I'll explain the above.



LW1x- Light weight Women's single. One rower with 2 oars- which is called sculling.



LW2x- Light Weight Women's Double. Two rowers with two oars.



LW4+- Light Weight Women's Four. Four rowers with one oar each, which is called "sweep". The + indicates that they have a coxswain which is a person who steers the boat and "cheers" them on during the race.

So I got an email that both the men and women won the CU banners :D YAY!



But, I still have no idea how my crews did. Meh. I hope they will post results soon, very soon!

Yesterday my rowers placed first in the single, second in the double by one hundredth of a second, and first in the four by three seconds. This is AWESOME! As it is a national regatta of all Canadian teams, and the heats are done as time trials. Which means they were able to do this without someone pushing them (competing right next to them).



While the team could not afford to send all the coaches, the head coach asked me to coach the lightweights until they left for the CU's on Thurs. So these are the girls that I've been coaching all season- that had some hard knocks with some local teams. To see them do so well, I just want to sit here holding my breath in anticipation of the finals.



Today the finals happen... I can't wait! YAY

The dogs lit their poo on fire last night. The neighbors thought it was some sort of Halloween ritual.



My life should have a disclaimer: Do not suggest something, because when you do- you are cursing me to live it. ;)



This was only a joke, any thoughts of drama or angst are purely an emo construct of the reader without a sense of humour. Disclaimer brought to you today by the number 666.

crap ola



I deleted someones comment :( I'm sorry!

So I didn't get any pictures of last night, but I did get the web cam out so I could save "face" with the makeup I did last night :)



Was great fun- was "West coast freak" as my roomie Tree calls me. AKA- Elphaba The wicked Witch of the West :) My friends daughter, didn't recognize me as I had my green face on when she got back from trick or treating. Nothing is worse than seeing a 7 year old look at you with almost terror because you grabbed their head and don't know who you are.



At one point, I was tempted to switch my costume to "she hulk" walking to the bar. I had the sudden urge to hulk smash a drunen man who practically fell into my "girls". So you have an image- I was wearing the red club dress and corset from the VR gathering with green paint on my exposed skin.



Maybe green was not such a great idea- now that I've showered and am still in areas "tinged" a little green. lol



Close up of eyes







The “look”