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Feeling a bit gross this morning. I just had some ice cream so I can take my rx on a not empty stomach. Overall this week has been good. I'm feeling better, and my test results are good- but I'm definitely more worn out. I think as this goes on, I'm going to be a little weaker each time.



But I'm pooping, huzzah!



It really makes a difference, and now I think I have the "magic" key to keeping mobility and movements. I still will have the not going after that one aspect of chemo, but with what we've come up with- it's at least manageable.



I keep thinking of NOLA. I'm so very excited to go for Halloween- I wish I could just move, lol. Perhaps, I will have to see what happens in the next few months/year to see if that's just me "dreaming" or something I truly want to pursue. So many things I have to do right now, but the nausea... That trumps it all so I just sit here and hope to either nap or feel better.

Thank fucking gawd I'm feeling better today. Doing laundry and remembering a director who suddenly died from her cancer on Thursday.



It's a horrible thing.

It's heartbreaking to hear Egon whine. Spazz has been sleeping by the front door, and the boys can tell "it's time" for her. She still tries to move around, but she stopped eating last night. We go to the vet in less than an hour. I can tell she is ready- at peace even.



With my cancer, I'm looking at all of this very differently. And I have to say I've figured out what I want in the worst case, and exactly how it will play out.



Simply put, I will work until I'm not longer able. I will live as fully as I can. And when I can't work any more, I will move to our family Ocean Shores home and spend my last days there. Dying at the beach is not a bad thing. There is another reason of course: I can choose to die there legally. That is what I want, to go at a planned time when I'm I full disease but not ravaged by it. Those of you who have witnessed death by cancer know exactly what I mean.



I'm not saying I'm going to die. I actually believe this is working and I will be back to myself in a year. If I didn't, I would stop chemo and go to the plan above. But it's not, and I think I have many more years ahead of me. Why I think this way is that having an action plan is a comfort. It was hard letting scrapper die on my lap- I was on the phone with mom when it happened. It was hard having Holmes die the same way- after being so vivacious the day before. But when illness is drawnout- I want to treat myself as I do my furry beasts- the way they want to go. Megan we had to a special type of "ceremony" but she fucking loved it, as the pictures showed. She positively glowed, and had her moment as a princess one last time in the feilds with tons of butterflies. I cherish those pictures. I haven't taken many of Spazz because she's lost so much weight.



She is peaceful, sleeping by the door. I am going to miss her so much. Catniss has started to really bond with me, and Bo is a love monster- so I'm taken care of. Plus I know Marie is waiting for Spazz with Holmes, Megan, and Scrapper. Her "pack" is waiting, and I know she misses them. She was the one who would wail when the others died. All night you could hear her. It was hauntingly gut-wrenching.



Go swiftly and peacefully my love. 1996-2015

I'm not supposed to feel this way. I always have been strong. I've been able in my life to do many things. And this, strips it away, leaves a skeleton of a frame, lacking hair and unable to even poop on her own.



Tomorrow is half way. Half fucking way.



There will not be other treatments. I refuse, because spending two weeks on a couch not being able to bathe myself with five good days, is not living. I fucking want to live again. Not this shite.

Having A difficult day really need just more rest but how do you rest when all you do is hurt and vomit and all these terrible base things?



Thank god for Nola- that's the "prize"

Bad day, but better than last round. Yuck. I have my "carrot" in place that I think about each time I want to quit. So, there's that.



Back to lazing around and hopefully kicking this ick sooner than later.

So Spazz is still eating, but she's not gaining weight- and she's still having bowel issues with her kidneys. Is she doesn't start to gain more weight soon, we are days away.



It fucking sucks that this past 19 years has to end when I'm feeling like such shit. Really- I hope I'm wrong. But I will be staying with my cousin, and I fear when I'm away this will happen.



Bah. Life sometimes simply put is hard.

Labs came back in the right ways- was able to leave without the Iv infusion. Hit Costco and trader joes for the next three weeks. Now I'm waiting for my phone to be updated so I can mail the old one back. Exhausted over all way longer day than the three hour and then travel time *sigh*

Well fuck. I lost 8lbs this last round. Hopefully the rest of my appointment brings better news. Plus side is ill go get some heavy foods (esp since I can eat now) to try to gain before this next round. Lord. I'm so disappointed in myself- yet I know I did what I could, it's such a frustrating cycle.

I have been mostly sleeping and watching videos from FB and YouTube. Still not doing well, thank god my neighbor thought of the pups this am as I simply couldn't get out of bed. This round has been so much worse than the last, and I'm definitely not nearly as able to eat. Today should be the last of the brutal days and from here it should improve for that week.



Mom's surgery went well. She's at home and recovering with my brother and his gf who is on break from school. We have to wait for the path reports to know how things were for her because apparently it was still very small when they removed it. So it could mean less or more chemo for my mother- it just depends.



Ok back to distracting myself and seeing if I can actually read

Finally feeling like I'm getting out of the worst of it. Still feel very crappy, but I feel the improvement too. Four more times.



Mom just got out of her surgery- it went well but it will be a few days before we know exactly what was found and what that means for her treatment.



Ok time to walk the dogs and get ready for bed.