The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Some people may not understand why Yoga means so much for me.



Visit this site: watch the intro and you will see perfectly what I believe about the mind/body/spirit/community connections.





We are all so much more than just one sided we are an infinite possibilities not simply waiting, wanting to occur.



Breathe in the beauty and wonder that is our world, our spirit and step forth changed in the communion of that which is more than us, part of us and simply is divine however it appears to you.

I don’t really know what to say right now.



I have so much going on, and so much that I’m working on that I honestly haven’t spent much time really thinking about the many blessings and unusual events that have created my life. Watching some of the speakers this past weekend I was reminded that while I’m so bloody ordinary, my life has been anything but boring.



My friends often joke that I’ve been cursed with the phrase, “may you live in interesting times”. It’s true, I’m the one that odd things just seem to happen to, and at the same point when they pass beyond odd to painful I seem to be able to learn from the event so that I change my view of it from negative to positive. I personally find this ironic because my natural instinct is to view things from a negative manner so that I’m pleased when things are not as bad as I thought, or that I’ve found a way through the issue.



What I’m truly having difficulty with is in the here and now I’m nowhere. I’m in between my arriving in Canada and what that means. I’m just starting to “bloom” if you would into who I’m supposed to be and while going through these changes I find it difficult to remember now. I’m seeing what has been, and what I’m heading towards- but I’m clueless to the now, and that is dangerous. Not because I will get hurt, but because the now is needed for the future and if I totally loose sight then I potentially change what the path is. It is hard because I don’t ever truly know the outcomes of my path but I know the path and I typically know those involved.



There is so much pain ahead, but that is not my fear, because it will purge out the misunderstandings and difficulties into the final product that is our lives. Still I wonder sometimes am I fooling myself that I can get through this, that I can and will be able to do as I’ve done in the past and step forward. Never before has it been clear that I will hurt someone that I don’t want to- yes I’ve done it before, but then it was more because I had to hurt someone to gain what/where I needed to be. Now I must hurt someone for nothing more than the principal that I must continue to move forward, and no matter what way this plays out, I know they will be hurt. Even with the most positive of endings I am certain that the pain comes from my hand, I know what my choice will be- even though I pray that I will never have to make it.



I have no choice in this.



So damn cliché but the truth of the situation. I must be who I am so I do not resent, and while the one I hurt will know it is not intentional, isn’t it? That I can see no way out of this- is that not my failing? I am watching what will either be a tragedy or a comedy, either way the emotions between there and here are very real and will be life changing. Things should be simpler, yes- but since I only have one life that I am responsible for I cannot change the choices made, or the path they must take.



Before it was a case of crossing paths, that is not the case anymore. Each time I try to convince myself of the temporary reality I live in, I am reminded and humbled by what the back of my mind keeps saying. It has never been wrong- not in something like this. Perhaps that is what scares me. I feel so very clear and certain on this path, that I want to live in the to be not the now because what I sense is simply the end of where I’m at now. Now is what matters, and I so desperately want to live in the dream of then. Now is hard, bitter, and lonely, needed and honing us so very much with so many more choices that can divert the path. It must be my fatigue speaking as I feel as if I woke to a dream that is simply so real…

Exhausted is what I am. It was a great weekend- met some interesting connections (as in ones I didn't want interesting, and ones that I do). Long days talking to the extent that I simply want silence :P



Damn even typing my voice hurts! LOL till tomorrow VR :)

Today I have a booth at the local women's show. I also hopefully will be booking a few clients from this show. I am nervous to say the least and excited at the same time. This year I will not be speaking- but typically this is a good show for me.



Wish me luck as with me no longer at the front desk at work, the other girls are noticing that they too are having a decrease in clients. I in so many ways wish to say told you so but there is no way I'm going back to doing all that I had been doing and the abuse I got because I made it look simple.



What it has taught me, is to trust me- to KNOW that I am good and that the work I do is not substandard. It hopefully will also get us to the point where good things come from the connections. Mind you while there was serious verbal abuse on my person- I do not hold ill will for that individual- I simply want out. My experiences lead me to know that someone such as that does not change, so the job is up to me to continue on my path and hopefully find a new one that includes those I work with as our working relationships are actually very good.



I'm also making new connections in the community that I am very excited for- when we approached 2009 I felt change I'm now in the process of living that change and I for one am excited, scared, enthralled and learning how to deal with what is to come. Wish me luck.

Is what I want to say to the person that hit my car and left blue and white paint behind.



Made it through the patients- One was just barely... and now I have chores to catch up on as 3 days sick took away my cleaning/chore days. Not certain if I'll do yoga tonight- as I did 90 min yoga last night, but not in the heated room. Was nice- but with how borderline I still am I'm a bit cautious. Esp since tomorrow I have 5 clients spread over a full day (when I'm healthy it's fine, but when I'm sick I'd rather have them all bunched together).



Ok time to get things caught up. *sigh*

Why is it when you have an easy day- you tell them ok for one appointment... because you've been sick but are feeling better...



That you end up with 4 people?!~ O.o



Ok let's see how well I've been taking care of myself... Of to the land of worky work!

Sometimes I wonder what is more clear... thoughts when you have a fever- or normal day to day thoughts that are fogged by stress.



O.o



damn too much in my mind and I'm still ick.

In the form of a head cold.



:(



Damnit. At least I was able to finish my talk and work yesterday, but I missed a gala that I had been looking forward to for the past month. Instead I sat on the couch and shivered while under several blankets.



Today I'm starting to feel mucho better but I have to take it easy or I'm gonna get worse. I have to bounce back as next week is the start of my busy season I have just one more week to dink around and then I have two shows and typically everything else starts to take off as crew (coaching) starts here soon.



I just hate how you feel infectious when you get sick... like anything you touch has cooties. How your eye balls feel like wet burning orbs... *sigh* No yoga today, but tomorrow for certain. Ok couch calls me to just lay there... back when I'm not so ick.

I think I need a day away- a mini break if you would.



Perhaps next weekend I'll drive to Toronto to just hang out :)



Ahhh that sounds devine. Tonight mmmm know just the thing! :D



See ya all on the flip side!

I'm seeing spots!



O.O



Never mind I put glitter on today, so now whenever I turn my head a certain way, it looks like I have my own personal disco ball following me :P

I lied, I'm not done yet...







... now maybe... or not.

I need a chaperone or bodyguard… why in this one instance can’t I be normal? Seems last night was one of those nights.



It started out with being pulled over for not having my lights on… because to get my car transferred to Canada I had to have daylight safety lights installed. So now I turn my car on and release my emergency brake and it looks like I have “light on”. Poor cop thought I was being cheeky- had me pull out my proof- and I knew he was going to ticket me if I didn’t get him to understand one key thing: I’m blonde. Not just the colour of my hair, I am a bit ditzy and absent minded.



Well he figured it out and off we went for a night of bar hoping fun. Started and ended at Wrecked room which is always a great place, then we went to try out a new bar that is hip and trendy… only my friend forgot one key thing… it’s a gay bar. Not that I was bothered- but I do live in the middle of farm/conservative land- so three people in our group were very uncomfortable and left before we could really have a good time there.



From there we went to the dance club we had intended to go to from the start. This was mucho better- but our group had dwindled down to myself and another girl. Unfortunately this is where the “luck” kicked in. I was dancing with my friend and FINALLY starting to relax and unwind when I felt a hand grab mine, and then it started pulling me away. Not cool.



So I dug my heels in and stopped as the person holding my hand was NOT someone I know or have ever seen. After a rather lame attempt to pick me up the guy goes, and leaves me with several questions that really bother me. See I’ve lost 20 lbs now and I’m starting to look like I do once I loose the other 20 I’m working on… But those that know me know that I don’t “let loose” when I’m in public because of the not so nice things that have almost happened and have happened.



1. Why would some guy think it is EVER ok to “pick up a girl” by removing her physically from the people she is with? That just reeks of not being ok…

2. Why do my guy friends find this funny? Seriously this is not ok- I get that I am large and can take care of myself- but let’s face it, I am a woman and while stronger than many, it would not take much for a man that works out to over power me. Period. Rape and bodily injury are two things that I keep in the back of my mind constantly when I’m alone so that I am aware and present in my moment. When I go out- it is why I’m quiet and “unapproachable” because frankly I’ve had men try. And I AM a physical threat… I don’t know how petite girls do it and not get into or get out of some of the instances that still scare me today.

3. What is it about me that says, “really, I want you to act creepy with me and ruin my evening”? I truly want to know because I’m so tired of not going out, of trying to hide and trying to just blend in. This kind of thing makes me want to just disappear.



I don’t know maybe I’m hypersensitive, but my thoughts on this have gotten me out of a few situations that were leading directly to bodily harm. I simply am trying right now to have this cause me to reverse all my work of the past few months and go back to where I was. Because I simply was not happy that way, I need to be the vivacious person I am, and have been in the past. Hurt cannot keep me where I was, I am not the person that has ever been meant to be locked up and kept- I need freedom and independence the same way people need air. But when I take steps towards that, I realize how truly vulnerable I am.



I have to be myself and be true to that, but I seriously don’t know how I’m going to do this and not get angry at how I’m treated. And people wonder why I say I wish I were neutered, at least when I’m sloppy people react to my thoughts as a person and don’t objectify me nearly as much.

One of my favorite songs... introduced to me from MrD :)