I want to be more than I am, not what I am.07:01 Jul 06 2006
Times Read: 1,375
There is a point where the physical world clouds and pollutes our sprit. When this happens there is no hope, no happiness and really no purpose. We need purpose, structure and perhaps most importantly our sense of self.
There seem to be currents flowing that are pushing us to choose; our spirit or our physical nature. At this moment there seems to be no middle ground. We don’t know enough, we postulate *my new favorite word* all different ways that the two are connected. Arguments abound about this topic, all of which are moot when presented with PROVE IT.
We can’t, we aren’t there and may never be at the point where we can prove anything except our own thought process. Even those can be argued to not be individual or unique but a different organization of the same thought.
So what is there? WHY DO WE CONTINUE? Each of us must find that, and when I lost my hope and hated who and what I was, I found out for me the answer was simple.
I was tired of hating myself, I did not want to continue that path and the thought of the pain I would bring to others should I commit suicide; frankly I did not want to be the reason for another person’s despair as I know it would have shattered and destroyed those I love the most.
I chose Laughter.
I chose Love.
I chose the Adventure.
I chose ME above all else.
There is no part of who I am that is not flawed, I strive to be perfect remembering a time when I was a child and I still could imagine that it existed. I remember seeing how easy it was to attain perfection, so why did I continually fall so very short of it? So I found a way to laugh at myself, not always- I still have quite the temper when I am wrong or in a fallacy. Give me time, the laughter will come- it always does now. I choose it above my weak imperfect flesh.
The love of those who care for me holds me, I allow it to comfort me. Even when I have shat on these people, they still hold that love for me. Why when I am so not deserving? I have no idea, all I know is that I must for their sake, learn and pass it on. When I truly care it is with my soul. My thoughts and what little my body can offer. It is all or nothing. And that love grows. Each day it expands and touches more and more. Everlasting, I think love of every chemical our brain produces is the fastest and most Devine thing that we do. When we love we commune with God. He flows through us, purges us of the imperfections. Perhaps this is just our energy feeding God, or us feeding each other. I do not care. I fly, revile and expand in this. Being loved and loving is by far the greatest gift, and if it’s only a chemical response, I’m addicted. Not just to sex, but friends, family, and my patients. I love them ALL. They have all shown me love in return… it continues to grow as I have even been blessed with love here at Vampire Rave. So many people I have met that I love, and will sorely miss should tomorrow I loose them. I love them regardless it is not just my vanity, it is my being and I will acknowledge it. This transcends the love of a partner, it does not replace it nor would I want it to. The final part that I am still learning is to love myself. To see what others see in me that is worth the effort, the heartache and pain I cause. At times I see and I am in awe of how I was made, and who I am to become.
I want to take those moments and fly, run find the adventure in living. As it is difficult to put yourself out there, deem yourself sub par and then continue on just because you see something different. You know your worth, even if others do not. I like the challenge, the maze like quality. Two steps back, one forward. Will I get out of that rut; can I take multiple steps forward? Sometimes this goes day to day, but I WANT IT NOW! I like games and I suppose I finally started liking life, when my mother told me in High School, “You know it will never stop, there is always something else something worse. The trick is to make it a game, and then play.” It wasn’t over night, but slowly I started making my moves, changing me. First I started by trying out for EVERYTHING that I was told I couldn’t do. Funny thing is I was turned down for several, but found out and proved many people wrong with several others. None of this was easy, but I stepped back and tried to learn about myself, which I desperately wish I could ignore.
Now I am entering a me time. I have always done things for myself, but in the past 10 years, my life has been about family and responsibilities for me to uphold that have held me back. I reclaim my life this month. I may fail HORRIBLY, but it will be my failure. I have confidence in my ability to learn, I will grow and be more than I am today with the experience I am to gain. If I am to make all of this my reality I must cement it with me. I am nothing if I give me away and do not take care of me. If I take care of me, and replenish me, then I have more to give. I will be able to maintain boundaries and in doing so create a safer place for those around me. By doing these small things I can allow others a greater ability to heal and grow, just by doing it myself.
Ripples they are all around us, they echo. There is a chain of events, we do not end here, we go on. Not the same, we reverberate on an on, in ways that we have yet to experience or discover. A stone thrown in water does the same thing, and I find it beautiful.
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