The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Today is my busy day at work. And all I want to say is....



I don't wanna! *cry*



But pups need food and I am blessed with a job I love, but, but... *pout*

My knee is slowly getting better, but I think I'm skipping yoga tonight and instead doing as I planned with starting "insanity" again. Modified for pain, but the way I figure it, now or never. Plus I've got a bunch of chores, running around to do.

Beef stroganoff and organic corn chips. Ending with a side of butterscotch pudding with butterscotch shots and touch of cream... Oh and a side of guinness. It's gonna be good night

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2011/08/27/friendship-amistad/





I read this after thinking about how Garry would brag about his friend Mike's accomplishments. He would go on and on, while several people didn't get it. Mike like many people in life has some social quirks that at times make him a bit more on the social awkward scale. But one thing I can say about him is that he is exceedingly loyal. Most people took his being more social as a result of Garry, but knowing him- I don't think so. Instead I think Garry simply lit his fire and vice versa.



That's the thing about loosing someone who needed to be needed. You don't realize how many fires they lit for you until they are gone. That I think is the crux of why so many (self included) acted poorly. However, I also think for some it gave them an unhealthy self righteousness over it all. Strange, many say they are over it, yet I'm still seeing ripples. Lots of them.



All I can do it tend to my own, goodness knows I'm far from being "over it", but that was the beauty of what the friendship was. There are still fires burning, in some unexpected places.

Requiem quotes that probably should be filed for those special someone's.



"sweet baby Jesus in a crock pot, put down the mouse and slob the knob."



Yup, that would be my brain today

I think I want to get drunk and stay drunk all day.

I just texted a friend, and I realized the truth of what has been bothering me.



I am angry. Truly, completely and irrationally angry. Only it isn't the type I'm used to. This is a quiet, just waiting type.



Which worries me just a tad bit more than the more aggressive type.

Can I just say that thinking of sex while in hot yoga, is NOT relaxing. It uh, takes the mind places, uh yeah.

OMG did you see that? I mean really, the nerve of her! I think we should all boycott her journal and then call the authorities to TAKE HER DOWN.



Like she's supposed to be his right Hand and she's making all these accusations. How dare she!!!!!! This is an outrage, and I'm going to tell the man of her dishonor and BETRAYAL!!!! After all she put it in her journal, I mean, like really. She called him a... Vampire!





Here is the real low down. You look even more stupid when you tattle to Admin, or post drivel in your journal.



Everyone else got over tattle-tales in grade school. Consider VR's age limit... Yup, everyone here is older than that.

Funny Typo of the morning:



"waiting for xxx to mark my stuff to see if I pasted! its looking good so far. :)"



She was waiting for her Literacy grade. I couldn't help but LOL because Typonese is my second language.



o.o

Today would have been my Grandfathers 109th birthday. He lived until he was 94. I can say he was the single biggest influence on my life. Losing him was a major blow and happened right as I was training for the olympics.



He was a major reason I push as hard as I do. He is also the reason I know that while I have very distinct prejudices, I also know to look for the exceptions and let people "prove themselves", even if they appear to stand for something I loathe.



I'm watching the snow fall in a gentle storm and I can't help but wonder at what he and my grandmother would have to say. What would be their opinions on the goings on in our family. How would they have approached the following stresses.



He was born in 1903. That meant no cars, no air planes and no electricity in their homes when he was little. He talked about seeing Buffalo Bill and Annie Oakley live in their road show. He would talk about watching them split a coin that they tossed in the air with a bullet. Stop.



This is 1900's, guns were NOT made the way they are now. It was hand craftsmanship and they were not as accurate, or reliable as the ones we have today. It was "amazing" for a child.



He and I would talk about the differences of how the world had changed: he lived through the world wars (both of them), the great depression and started a family when he was 40 years old with my grandmother who was 32. Conventional, in thought, but years a head of their time.



Grandmother was a nurse. Became the head RN of the largest emergency centre in our region. She was also a soldier, served in Dutch Harbor and when she and my grandfather met, she had plans to go be a nurse in a leper colony. They dated for only six months as she told him: "give me a reason to stay, or I'm keeping my plans".



I still remember six months before my grandfathers first and most debilitating stroke. We were sitting in his living room and he said to me, "she's gone."



"Who do you mean Grandpa?"



"She's really gone. Your Grandmother."



"Grandpa, she died in 1985" (this was 1993).



"I know. But I always reasoned it that she was off visiting family or on one of her vacations. She isn't coming back."



That was the turning point. I remember hearing the hurt and pain. I didn't understand it then. But I understood how he could reason as thus. He taught me how to do it myself. No one else knew about this until about 2 years ago when I told my mother.



I was the only one he expressed it to. And today is his birthday. So Happy Birthday Grandpa, I took to heart the importance of education (even if it self taught), remember the importance of family and mostly I remember the love you shared with all of us. GPL.

PUDDING! I haz PUDDING at home :D I am saved.

I know the attitude problem is my own, when I don't rejoice in your success.



Yet how do you break this cycle with those who's actions have done nothing but hurt you? That is the "money" shot for the day. Stooping to their level is easy, a momentary form of gratification that they do not change. But to see them break their cycle and move on, that should be the wish. Because then they will have other things than wishing you ill. They will be released from the cycle and start a new one with different people.



How is this weak? Hard, most definitely. But it is not weakness to not want to fight, weakness is continuing the hurt cycle: because it is easy. Those who strive for power often go the former route as it is instant gratification. Yet they loose sight of the bigger picture, and the long term power that the positive can sustain and support.

We know processed foods are bad for us as humans, and that best foods are from natural sources. So why do we think it is any different for our animals?



Consumerism. *sigh*

I'm in a considerable amount of pain today. Less than what I ended yesterday with. See there is this knot in my shoulder (I can't treat it myself) that I had one of the massage therapists work on last week. Yesterday at some point the counter balance side choose to flair, in a nauseating way. The pain right now goes from the shoulder, seems to wrap under the scapula and then in burning radiation around my heart to my subscapula. If I put it out of my mind and just "do" it is 4/10. But when I stop it is 9/10.



Two people (not therapists) tried to help release it, I've tried and it isn't - no it will release, only to seize harder. I don't know that I've been so uncomfortable, even with my back injury I could rest. This just sucks because I want to get things done but instead have Egon resting on me and am hoping for this latest wave to release.



Definitely a hot yoga night, although I will be going to a lesser extent. And I'll see if a therapist can get me in. Bah to aging gracefully, fucker I'm taking you down.

Holy fucked.



So an employee who was fired after the holidays, had her boyfriend hack our work site.



www.wortleywellness.com



While often hacks are humorous, is that this same employee planned on QUITTING the day she found out she was let go. So why have this done? Oh yes, you're a vindictive cow.



Two faced would be another word.



I just wish Garry were still around, this is the shit he loved to play with. Meh. Tis ok, the boss will simply have to pay someone to fix it.

Ahahahahaha hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!¡!!!!!¡



I just checked my honor.... And got the comment



butt sniffer



Better than ass licker... I suppose *giggles*

So the boys and I had a nail day. I painted mine (thanks for colour suggestion Requiem) and I trimmed theirs.



Now we return to lazy couch day with a tad bit of unpacking and cleaning.

It's amazing, over the two weeks that I've had the pups, I've been giving each 1/4 tsp of raw liver with their food. What's cool about this is that Egon's fur now is more similar to Winston's.



Yet everyday I hear people insisting nutrients don't make a difference. Bah, they propbaly also think meat product is meat.



*shudders*

Poor Winston has the hiccups. Egon is pissed because he's jumping to get on couch and I'm ignoring him, because until he can sit as nicely as Winston did- he's not allowed up.



Poor puppies...

So I found the crow tv series for 15.00, I think this, puppy play, coffee, laundry and carpet cleaning are the plan for the day.



Oh and yoga before a visit... Or just a drop by from a friend? Hmm time will tell, but damn if I can't stop thinking about cornflower blue.

Just got back from hot yoga- pups are still sleeping ^.^ this means less complaining when I goto work for an hour.



But wait, they are in the puppy proof bathroom... Which means I can't pee o.o



Better hurry to work!

One puppy: I've done before. Two: a whole new ball game



I will survive... I will not ... Cripes who puddled this time?! *sigh*



This week: how to ask "up please" without running and leaping into the air...

I'm off to the wizard of Hot Yoga. I NEED to get back to my exercise routine- I feel like "crap".



It doesn't help that I feel like there is this message but I'm simply not "getting it".



I wonder how it would go if I asked for the memo instead of the message? heh.

Today hurts.



It feels like the past is not only all around me, but screaming at me to see something I simply don't.



Meh.

This morning was one of the biggest fun days I've had here in a while. Thanks to those who firmly reminded me why "for better or worse" I'm still here at VR.



You schnizzle muh pizzile.

Do you leave rings on your toilet seat?



Hahahahaha sorry just had to ask...

is it nap time yet?



No? Boo.



K it's go home make chicken soup with left over chicken bones then. *sigh*

I'm finding since my trip to Seattle, I'm wanting less and less to do with many people who I have called friends.







This song while it means many things to me on several levels, also means the letting go of what was. Simply because these people were kind to my face, and did things a friend would do- does not make them a friend. It goes beyond that, to the points where you break, but you simply say "hi".



Interestingly enough, the past year has been telling as to what is real, and what is fake.



Granted I get to point that big fat finger back at me. I have negativity in myself that I simply must get rid of. Which is why I'm constantly taking small steps to remember who I was, who I became, and who I wish to be. I knew then that it would mean severing friendships, not real ones; but the ones that are so laden with expectation and lack of concern they hold me back.



At the same point this does not mean all. That is where the difficulty is. Finding the balance in remembering, honouring and moving forward. It does not always seem to be possible simply because of the complexity of the situation.

Friends Online:



You don't have any friends.





You are on 350

Friend Lists



[ Manage Friends List ]

Breakfast scramble of mushroom, leeks, salmon, 2 eggs with cilantro and provolone topped with tomato :)



Oh and COFFEE!



♥

Egon is spending the morning making Ducky squeak.



^.^ heh

Who will read some journals for the comments? Which leaves me sadly uncertain about those entries without, "did no one relate?" Or "did I miss some other journal where the comments are?"



I used to wake up to read the forum, but since I can only get here from my phone most of the time... I now am getting obsessed over not what people say, but that they say it.



Strange.

I'm so excited!



I just got my free tickets to see Anne Rice in toronto! :)

I have been thinking about this entry for a while.



In past years we've had many people pretend to be ill online for financial gain, sympathy and for many other reasons.



Something I left out of my journal was the horror that I witnessed Garry go through last year from April when they diagnosed him to January when he died. What I didn't say is how he and I would joke about my loosing weight and how he could take my fat ass and make it into muscle. Simply because when we met he was about 145 with goal weight of 170. And I was 210 with goal of 165.



That last month when I started seeing him in November I was there when they weighed him: 121. This is when we didn't know why he was having difficulty or that the cancer was in his heart. He continued to loose weight because any food was painful to him. He desperately wanted and tried to eat, but the pain was horrible.



I was there for a visit and the nurse asked me to leave so she could clean him up. I didn't see the harm, so I told him not to worry I'd be back when she finisied. Only after he was pissed. See he had found a comfortable spot, and being moved/cleaned meant he lost it, and he was angry as he wanted to finish our visit not in pain. When he told me that, I would chime in when nurses would try to push if he wasn't articulating well. See the drugs he was on, made it difficult to think clear, and often he would know something- but would forget the why.



The last two weeks, his edema was so bad that he had to be moved by others... His ankles were the size of my thighs. He was down to about 88lbs. Watching, measuring and cleaning up his vomit as he couldn't control it- is not something I would wish on anyone. Nor is the knowing when you walk into the room that the horribly sweet smell is that of ketosis - which means the organs are shutting down. That soon your friend will want to talk, but won't be able to. Knowing they can hear every word you say- even if you're in the hallway. Knowing you can do nothing to ease their immense pain as the body transitions, but keeping on a good face- trying to let them know you and everyone else will be ok.



How bad was it? I woke the night he died to a dream conversation where I was begging him to finally let go because I couldnt take the pain that his shell of a body was putting him through. He was under 90lbs then, had been in organ failure for over 5 days and mostly non-responsive for 2.



Thank god my mind always made him look better, but the one photo from then (two weeks before he died) is bad enough for me to remember how much pain my dear friend endured, and how incredibly difficult it was to be there and witness it. Yes, there is much more pain that I haven't even touched on, many others have their stories too.



Make no mistake, if you try to cross me with these lies- I will have no issue removing "honor" either virtually or with my words. You dishonesty is a shame to all of those who truly suffer as you have no idea... And those who in their suffering still try to LIVE.



I suggest you walk away from the computer, and do that: live.



While you still can.

So much for sleeping in...

Poor Spazz. Egon just chased her and cornered her in my bedroom.



Now she's hiding again... And can we say not amused.



*giggle* oh ahem *giggle*

Phone internet is DOWN :(



This means text me if you wanna chat.

So the boys have determined it is bed time, NOW. I went to take them out one last time and Egon ran for the kennel, by the time I got to him, Winston ran in too.



Who am I to disagree?

I would like a month of no bad news.



Heck, I'd be grateful for a week.



Got the call yesterday that long term friends of my family's daughter committed suicide yesterday. She was a few years younger than I.

So Grace (now called Diamond) is at work... being carried around IN her 'mom's' hoodie. She too is doing very well. The only accident she had was on a mat that looks like newspaper, and she just whines when she wants to go potty.



Shannon, my co-worker that adopted her still cuss' me out for getting her. Now it's because she's already fully attached to her and taking her EVERYWHERE. lol

What a whirlwind few days with the puppies.



It’s amazing both with the energy output and the immediate rest. Our routine as I’m trying to get it to go is a potty break / run right before bed, which so far means I don’t have to get up till 8-8:30am. We get up, run around the yard as I drink coffee and try to “prepare” for the day.



Once they finish the organized chaos, we head inside (the puppies learned how to run up my stairs first day, although Winston still has difficulty with the curtain) where they go right to the kitchen. Currently I’m starting to introduce them to raw foods, and right now we are doing a touch of liver with their food. From there we play in the living room while I eat, then we run out for our potty/run.



After the second run the puppies generally want to nap, which allows me to get ready for work, clean and/or nap myself. However, if I am napping, they insist on being lap dogs. I tried “puppy jail” yesterday in the bathroom with some extra long shelves I had… this failed miserably. Hopefully the door to my bathroom stays closed today- or I will be forced to crate them when I go to work which I don’t want to do (if this is the case I will be buying a child’s gate).



Things they don’t like: collars, leashes, and a cat that won’t play with them yet.



Things they love: ducky, bear, SQUEAKY toys.



Today was the first day I took them both to work. We went to my severly disabled client’s home and they got to meet her and play a touch. It was difficult for them as they get a little bit of attention, then have to go back into the kennel while I do the treatment. They did splendidly, as they were asked to come back next week. Yes, they whined at first, but it quickly calmed down and then they patiently waited for me to finish. That is going to be the hardest part is training them to wait during treatments as right now they are so used to it being all about them.



After the home visit, they went to work with me and met the staff. The boss’ daughter was there and absolutely had a ball playing with them, as did another coworker. Even the boss that isn’t very fond of dogs ended up giving them a bit of attention. It was funny. But they are definitely showing a want to be around people… although interestingly, Egon is often the first “spazz” then Winston starts his.



Now I just have to get my routine going so I have my workouts being done too. That I think will start this weekend. Once we have a better control of the “potty” monster… as even with taking them out constantly and at regulated times, we are finding “pittle” bombs.

So we found out in Dec that the boss' daughter has it, now I find out today one of my co-workers has it.



Damn it. It is just making me angry now.



Good thing I can go home and be distracted. Lord knows I can use it.

So Winston finally figured the greenie out, and now is hoping for another lol. Today will be a bit more of a challenge with shopping/ work... But we got up, grudgingly did a walk and jab had some time for play.



Normal routine begins... NOW.

I need a refund, these puppies only seem able to stay up for an hour and then they crash for two... Or I might be encouraging them to play hard :)

Wow. My ADD really shows up in my facebook status'. I start a sentence with one pronoun and then squirrel!



:-/

We have now entered "bitchy kitty" mode. Lol spazz got a face full of the brothers as she tried to eat thier food... Now she's bitching at me from the guest room.



Lol again, this is going far better than I could have hoped for.

Last night: I think we were abducted by aliens. Not one whine all night, nor yet this morning. Time to tempt fate with bathroom and potty- then get the doggies running.

So far, so good. Egon turned into a little demon dog tonight; tearing from one toy to the next... Finally settling in on the dog bed as "massive" chew toy. Winston started out far more shy, insisting on cuddles at first... Until dog bone and dinner that is. Then he was active puppy while trying to cuddle at the same point.



Spazz greeted us at the top of the stairs, then again "scoped" the boys out before going on my bed. When I brought the boys and the kennel in, she sniffed them... Didn't hiss or swat, but gave a confused look. Now that the boys are tucked in for the night- she's hanging out... On the other side of the room trying to think.



That was way better than expected.

Just a few more minutes of paperwork and then I'm off to Buffalo to see the Wizard! What wizard you ask?



The Otter kind ^.^

Why do I love Rat?



Because she comes up with ideas I adore... such as removing honour from E-Liars. I can't WAIT to do this >:)



YAY! ♥

OMG! Three days ♥

It's been a hard few weeks. Not because of the "anniversary" date that passed yesterday or my missing my friend so much. It has been hard because of my redefining what is important, and what I'm working for.



There is an instance where I have to acknowledge what wonderful awareness, love and joy my friend brought. But at the same point, make no mistake Garry could be a royal douche (and I say this knowing my own asshattery). Still, I look back at how much this one person single handedly changed many aspects of my life. Sadly they were not all for the good.



Firstly I'm dealing with a group of "friends" that are two faced and self serving in the worst manner. By this I mean they allow you to think it is your best interest, when it is THEIRS. More over, when you point it out- it is denied and then made to seem that you are at fault. I saw this from the get go, as they disliked me very much at first, and I them.



But Garry was insistent and over time I did grow to the point where I do and still call them friends. However, that is not to say I still allow the cart blanch approach of I hold you to your word. I hold them to the meaning of their word- which often shifts over time based off of their wants/needs. No I don't "judge" them for it. It however must be taken into account because what you see is NOT what you get. Because of this I have not really put forth much- except what I need.



Besides, if I am to truly move forward; why would I do all the same things that Garry and I did? Each time, all I can think about is him- what he would say/do or respond with. It is unhealthy and not what he would want me to do. He knew I was drifting from this group- we talked many hours about it, and why they offended me with their expressions of "friendship" with him that were designed to hold him back and keep him where they wanted him.



Yes, I had hopes and dreams for that man. But what HE wanted and hoped for was always FIRST on my list of what I tried to cultivate. These are the things we would spend hours discussing, not to mention exactly where we each were. It was a process, a long and hard one.



One that when I allow a quiet moment, the feeling is so powerful it still brings me to tears.



Which is why yesterday I didn't tell people I was going to his grave. I knew that several would want to go with me, and I needed those 10 minutes alone at the grave. I needed to remember with out the bullshit why he and I were so entwined in our friendship. And I needed to remember he always came back to me, and every single time when I tried to end the friendship (more than 5 that I can think of) he came back and simply would not allow it. It would lead to more discussions of what, how and why which in turn brought us closer together.



I needed to remember HE wanted me there. I told his family and closest friends, if he doesn't you tell me. Granted, he would have told me- he had done it before. Yet in the twisting of the group it became he was asking people to keep me away. When the truth was ironic. He wasn't sure what I meant by hope and miracles, because he was set for one thing: living. While he would NOT bring up his dying with me, and actively looked away from me the entire time I said goodbye. I'm sure what had transpired is the people expressed a doubt he could not answer to; simply because he didn't understand. If he had not wanted that hope, there were a few times we had alone where he could have put it out if he wanted to. He refused. Instead with me he continued to talk the changing dreams based off what he would need to do. Don't forget, he had me in the room with his Dr. He had me stay when the Dr said no hope, no treatment. It was Christmas eve, his dad, step-mom, Garry and I were in the room for this news. I think it was the first time it truly sank in as I know he had been told before.



He talked about these things with family and a few other friends. Even after that horrible Dr's visit, he never brought it up with me. He simply refused to say Goodbye to myself and a few others.



But a big complaint he always had was that family/friends often encouraged him to quit before he was ready. That's why I let HIM dictate what I said. Granted I was far more emotional than I ever have been, and I know I failed in several instances of expressing it to others clearly. I'm allowed my own growth, and my own imperfections.



Yet with all this, several people were hurt and surprised that I went alone yesterday. Why? In my mind it has been a foregone conclusion that I was going to be at his graveside yesterday. That they did not ask, or ask me to drive is not my problem. I knew I was going to be going last year. So when the day came, winter storm or not, I was out the door. I gave him his coal that we mined from Coal Creek in Washington and the crab shell which broke, a sand dollar and several shells I collected when I was at our beach house in Ocean Shores. See he never saw the Pacific, although he dreamed of living in San Diego.



It was nice, as then after I went to the Inglis Falls which is where he had wanted his ashes spread. That did not happen, so this spring I went to the falls and stole a fern off the reserve to plant at his grave (they pulled it- but at least the energy was there for a while).



http://www.greysauble.on.ca/ca_lands/inglisfalls.html



From there I travelled home in the worst weather, driving conditions, roads combined that I ever have. Granted I've done mountain driving in blizzards and white outs. But country driving in white out squalls is entirely different. I'm grateful no one else was with me as otherwise I would have had to tell everyone NOT to talk for almost 2 hours as I navigated very dangerous conditions.



Over all it was a very good day. I spent it with Garry's friends in Owen Sound first at a 3 hour brunch then followed by 3 hour coffee and a quick stop to Walmart. The driving took 6 hours because all day had poor weather, but in Owen Sound it was sunny and beautiful. The closer I got to London the worse the weather was.



Some say it gets easier over time, but it is not. Instead it leads me to that redefining that I mentioned at first. Without the foundation Garry provided, I get to choose who I keep close to me, and I'm not worried about loosing the rest. Simply put, I need to know what I want. Others can either step up as Garry did- or step out. Now it is just a manner of how and when.

Lol, just my luck that the one day I had a trip planned, is also the day it snows... And dumb drivers are abundant.



Oh well, waiting for friends to share brunch with- then we'll meet for coffee and from there we'll see.

A good friend's dog is dying tonight. He's lived we think 19 years, and for a beagle that is a great life. It makes tonight harder as I prepare to travel in the morning for a day of remembering. Garry always wanted to see the pacific ocean so I brought back a collection of shells to leave him, including a crab which was the prettiest burgundy I've ever seen (he was a cancer).



Sometimes the best way to move along is to honor and remember where you've been.

2011...





























Don't let the door hit you in the ass. I'm sick and tired of loss. Today was my Aunts funeral in Georgia. Sadly mom was not able to go. Enough already.