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This is a very old photograph that pretty much captures me, as I see myself. Taken in 1993, I was quite a bit annoyed that my mother forced me to "pose" for it as it was COLD outside and you can see from my uni that I was wet from just racing.
That said, I'm forever grateful that she made me do this- because she caught in that instant an ungarded picture of me.
Simply it is part of the process I'm going through- I remember, even as I relearn to be not just her, but more.
The eye stays for now. But sadly if we can't control the inflammation with the drops he will have to have surgury... to the tune of 1,600 O.o
Holy heck is all I have to say about that.
Granted if I had it I would spend it, but seeing as I don't- I'm gonna put all my positive energy into it being controlable by medication. That and I'm going to start upping what I'm doing naturally- once I have the full ok from my vet as I know enough about RX to know that they can sometimes interact with herbs/foods.
*sigh* Here's to hoping once I fill the RX that his pain starts to decrease.
The one word I feared. It seems that Holmes does not have just an infection, but may need surgury and more than likely I will have to opt to have his eye removed as the cost of just the consult is over 200, not to mention the vet bill from today.
Worst part is, while he's had some signs- it was only this last week that it really expressed. :( These things always seem to happen at once. So much for a relaxing week where I get back into the swing of things.
I think it's time I go run because right now I'm in between wanting to cry or just go to sleep.
I can't wait to do yoga... I'm hoping I finish here soon so that I can make a certain class, but I know that isn't going to happen. I'm actually thinking of playing "hookie" tonight and just going tomorrow and Sunday.
Having had a few people ask how I've been- well I'm working. And I have to say I'm frankly amazed at how focusing my energy has increased my practice. I'm also taking me time- still I know I do need to allow for more of that.
Some things I'm having to let go of are: Expectations, resentments, and pride. Not pride in what I do or who I am, but my pride in ME. It gets in the way of my expressing myself and truly being honest with me.
This last week I realized I had to touch base and find out some information from a friend, not for them- but me. To help me redirect my own energizes. What I realized in the brief conversation we had is that while my heart and emotions might think I'm one place, it is a lie. I'm no where there- and talking brought that to extreme clarity. I had to ask, because I refused to see my own truth being clouded by my "desire" which in reality was not a true desire but a distraction.
Does this mean I won't fall prey to the distraction again? No I am confident I will, and again will have to ask questions and talk. Because it is not until we are faced with what we truly think we want, that we are able to see what we need. I can't express how very thankful for the even headedness of this friend as it is more than helpful- it allows me to explore something I've never done before, and in doing this- I'm learning new boundaries. These I suspect will serve me very well in the future.
Part of me wonders, well if I'm doing this- am I truly being honest? Is waiting what I want? Well it's not a matter of want- it is a matter of need. I can't be distracted right now. It is imperative for my goals that I keep on as I am. Why do I have to make these things so bloody hard for myself?
Perhaps why is the wrong question. I should probably ask what is the purpose? Long term I can't help but feel that these steps take me one step closer on the road that I need to travel to find me again- the vivacious person I know myself to be- that I have not been in over 14 years. Between the time passed I have grown to be more afraid than I ever remember being. I remember following spirit without a question or second though- it simply was. Today I felt that again in our discussion.
Stop, remember who you are. Become her, then the rest will fall into place. Just because the world has hurt you, do not push back in that pain. Instead heal yourself breaking open the wounds that have healed poorly and help them heal right. If something needs breaking, then break it so in the end it will be stronger. You do know, you see and you feel it- spirit, you know your destiny as certainly as you feel the tears on your cheek. Do not forget...
I am so very tired today. I still have this nagging “gut feeling” because I haven’t had a chance to talk to my friend. It bothers me knowing that the discussion that is to come, and knowing that in the past I would have run from it.
There is so much I want, desire and simply just wish to discuss. While it is not a conversation I’ve ever had- another part of me is so very pleased that I was able to speak out and identify what I saw as potentially holding me back.
I’m just so very sorry that the words still come awkwardly to me, for I’m certain that there is a less spastic way to say what I needed to. Perhaps this is why previously I would never speak out and suffer in silence- I have been afraid to speak my truth because of the potential loss.
Still this person never ceases to amaze me, and a part of me hopes while another nagging self-doubt is in the back of my mind, “no this never works for you- it only works out for others”. I’m not used to putting me and my thoughts and feelings at risk from another person. It might just be why I feel similar to how many teenagers feel in the same position. In reading the forums I realized part of the attraction of the Twilight series for me has always been the knowing the ending- it is “destined”.
If only we came with our own endings attached, perhaps then I wouldn’t fret so much.
To speak your mind and heart, expressing something that needs to be said.
Regardless of the outcome, the truth of the moment and moving forward require that you be painfully honest. I dislike these tests, not because they are a game- they most certainly are not. I hate them because they put two individuals in potential conflict, where if I were able I would never do that.
However, if I compromise me now- when will I be allowed for? Hard knocks in this life, I hate seeing how I need to be to grow and be mature as it is far riskier than I ever imagined. I have to look after me, and in doing so I have to make certain that no one is being lied to. Even if we want to lie to ourselves.
I've done enough of that, so time to move forward and see. I just hate knowing that the words have been read, and not knowing the other thoughts behind them. Possibility is awe inspiring and humbling if you truly see it.
Right now there are several, but I simply won't know until there is time to talk.
A friend of mine took me to go get an Ionic Foot bath today. I've had mixed feelings about this "treatment" as several clients of mine have had it done and it has caused them issues because it was done too agressively.
Aside from the water turning all sorts of interesting colours, I can say that I am completely exhausted after it. I was tired before, but now I am just ready to snooze the day away. Work is winding down now *not my actual work but the admin that I was doing* so now I'm thinking part of this is also just my body letting go of the 12 hour days I have been putting in for the past year.
I am so ready for a more balanced work environment. I can't even express it. Ok shower and then nap/bed for this chicky...
Seriously I was not only concerned, I was panicked. O.o
The N.D. I work with emailed me about her being ill, this is a bad thing- very bad thing as she and I were supposed to be on TV in the morning for the local morning show regarding our practise. She wanted to know if I was ok being on by myself..
Oh HELL NO O.O
Bad enough that I know it's good for me to do this, but no way no how did I want to do it on my own. Granted I fibbed by saying I couldn't do it- but damnit I prefer working with someone and she and I work well together. Besides I truly LOATHE being on TV or on stage. I can do it, I have done it- but it is not where I want to be.
I much prefer being in the sidelines watching things. *whew* Looks like we will be rescheduled for two weeks from now. I can pretend till then that it isn't going to happen :P la la la la la
So last night I logged off the computer, and went to bed. What is unusual about this is I also choose to towel dry my hair for the first time in a long while. Since I've been using a straightening iron- I typically blow-dry my hair so I can get out and about in a faster manner.
Ok so I'd been on VR with a towel wrapped around my head- no biggie I looked like the quintessential geek in my super girl pj's. Go me. Anyways I turned my computer off, headed upstairs and went to brush my teeth.
O.O
OMG Requiem would be proud. Seriously proud of how big my hair was. I don't think I've EVER seen my hair that kinky. And when I say kinky I mean KINKY! There were no curls, no waves just bush. I started laughing so hard... then I brushed it... hahahahaha holy hell it looked like I had been electrocuted! So today for the gym I had to try to get 3 rubber bands in my hair because even pigtails was not going to hide the horror that is my hair today. Actually all the bands did was make it like I pulled the bush out of my face.
See normally I have what is considered “wavy hair”, which means my hair can and will do funky things. One day I have big curls, the next day I just have bumps in my hair… to straight hair when I want the waves. Think of temperamental curly hair- only it can go from straight in one strand to out right curly the next. So to say this was unusual means, well it was out of control!
What sucks is that I didn't have my computer on or I would have taken some photos of it and all it's "glory".
HAhahahaha ok it's time for a shower and this time PRODUCT in my hair! LMAO
So my sister in law wants a kitty. My mom and her mom have both told her no... well this sister in law is going to make some calls to see what she can do- because seriously? I had 4 animals in that house and one kitty is NOT going to be a problem, not matter how much the parents think they will be. *sheesh*
Then again, I have always been of the route of get now ask later- and well, I've never not had animals. Even in my university apartment that was "no pets" I had my rats. Soooo, let's work on getting Deb a kitty :D
An amazing movie if you have not watched it, I highly recommend it. Then again I love period dramas- the quote I have on my profile is from this movie...
I confess I simply adore this movie to the point that I have watched it over and over, and see where art mimics life.
I have said this so many times, We hate those that act in a manner that we hate in ourselves.
The same is true for lip service. It is easy to say I've forgiven you it's a lot harder to live those words. What I'm looking at now is trying to find a way to not only live them, but find peace with them. Peace is not shaming an individual for mistakes, nor is it forgetting.
It is something far more, and difficult to comprehend because it allows for all to as I mentioned in another entry agree to disagree. With all the hurt that has been inflected on my person in the past month, I am finding that I seek peace. My anger seems to have subsided for the moment- perhaps it is watching the direct outcome of people's anger here on VR that has removed my taste for that emotion. Or it could be the panic I experienced this last week that gripped my core and made me react in a way I wasn't aware of, until I had done it.
Conscious living, you say you want it- but it is so hard. Not a day goes by that I don't deconstruct my own actions to see where I have done another wrong. And by that, I mean I treated them not in the manner they deserve, I treated them in manner I DO NOT want to ever be treated. That is the travesty, I did not give them the instructions on how to treat me. In doing that, I opened myself up to be treated just as poorly.
Shame on me.
Still I understand that I am not perfect, and while I detest that about myself, I will try to give me a little forgiveness. Not so that I forget and do it again, but so I can hopefully heal from the wounds my own bad behaviour brought on.
Like everything in life there are two sides of the story.
For me personally I choose not to share mine, and actively lied that it happened. Well it seems now is an appropriate time for me to share that yes I moved to Canada for someone. It was someone that I had what many here consider an "internet" relationship with.
We spoke for the better part of a year.
Then I moved.
We didn't talk much for 2 years.
The difference, I choose to keep my private life private. I choose to find where the fault lies with me, and choose to grow from the experience and learn. I have chosen to be friends with the person- no strings attached because I still care for them.
All of this must have now, and can't wait, can't make it real- how much of that is you upset at you- and how much of it is fantasy clouding your judgment.
Let's face it- we all paint a perfect picture of the ones we desire, that is why often times relationships fail. If you have to eat, sleep and breath the person- chances are it is not real and just a major infatuation. Love is something much stronger and more durable.
How people react/act in love is not my responsibility beyond how I myself react. Bottom line is, if I'm hurt- I allowed the person to do it to me. And while I may be angry and hurt- I prefer not to parade my hurt for the world to cheer me on. I prefer to allow it to make me stronger and more able to live my life to the fullest that I can.
There is a trend that even I have at times been guilty of. Using words as weapons against those whom I don't know.
Frankly I think because so many people are willing to do this, and because we view it as hip/cool with how our media reports these days- we have all forgotten one thing:
Words are powerful.
Instead of fighting with them, and claiming to be "individual" in the mean while censoring another's view- how about agree to disagree? Allow there to be another point different from your own, allow them to be a TRUE individual by not ridiculing them for having a view opposing to yours.
Even a coin has more than one side, so why is your opinion so much more valuable, when you do not know those you would condemn? Right or wrong there is more than just those two choices- we can choose to co-exist without judgement, and still disagree. Utopia will not come from "yes men" but from those who can say, "I disagree, but your point is still valid".
I just have to say it is completely WRONG that I woke at 5:30am today. It is my day off *le tear* and well now that I've had a cup of coffee, I think I'm going to go back for a little snooze.
Today my butt hurts O.o
My legs- ok not too bad as the quads tingle and my hamstrings are tight, arms are a little sore but over all it's the booty pain that's constant. Nothing says "HAHA FATASS" more than a burn when you go to sit, and the fire when you stand. heh, at least I'm not walking like I'm 9mo pregnant... although I still have the workout that did that to me O.o
I think I'll save that one for my "special" friend.
When I hit 190 I'm going to start my next tattoo that I've been thinking about for the past 2 years. I will do from foot to knee, and then when I hit 175 I will finish it...
Gad I'm tired today. Been cooking, napping and some cleaning... I can't believe that tomorrow is work again... where did the holidays go? *sigh*
I have to say there is something about showers that I simply adore. Normally they are great, it's good to get the contrast of the cool night air combined with the hot water... but after a hard work out?
There simply is nothing like standing in the shower and letting everything drip away. Your cells seem to sing at that moment, the stiffness threatens to happen but slowly eases into a sensation that is unlike any other.
I want so desperately to be chosen to be able to let her out. It seems like an eternity has passed and I had almost forgotten that she even was around.
To feel her pounding for release, but knowing I must never- hurts. That is the vicious cycle of my life. Knowing that I must not chose, but be chosen and knowing that I can affect things to an extent to get what I want. With the full knowledge that if I manipulate in such a manner that it will fade and will lead to a worse place than where I'm at.
Trapped in a room looking out at the world and wishing I were allowed to go, and be safe.
And I am getting ready for bed. I simply am exhausted from the events of the past two days. There are many things that are going non-stop through my head and I'm mentally more than fatigued.
Still I'm clinging to the hope, and the dream - not because it is rational, but because it gives me something. Every time I've dreamed in past it has been something I could achieve and I knew it. Each change was a choice, and now I am faced with something that is totally out of my hands and I simply do not know how to handle it.
I will say it is refreshing having something to dream about that should it never pass, I would be hurt- but I would know and be thankful for what it did give me... hope. None of my others have given me this powerful gift as they were all goal oriented. This is different, and so very special to me.
Happy New Year, here is to a fresh start on a life already well lived, ready for the next chapter.
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