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Egon is going to be spoiled, several leashes *still no collar* one that is covered in "bling" and one that is made of pretty beads and not one, but two snuggies were bought for him along with a rain jacket and quite a few toys...
What can I say? Family and friends are excited he's on his way.
I have to say it is interesting being home right now. There is so much hurt here that simply has not healed. For me to return to it, is a delicate balancing act. Much of it I have worked on through my friendship with Garry, so I'm oddly balanced in the light of so much pain. At the same moment, I'm also very protective of myself as I do not wish to go back to how I was, knowing full well these people who love me- also have the ability to poison me. Not intentionally, but through what they will not work on themselves.
I'm so not perfect, but at the same point I'm still not where I wish to be. Hearing about a relative who has been fighting cancer since last year, and how difficult her path is- reminds me of what is important today. But it doesn't remove the hurt I feel for her family that struggles with it as a daily thing.
I think I'm going to need a vacation after this vacation.
You are lower than the fucking lowest. You are the very reason someone dear to me created a lot of hurt in my life, and more importantly never found what he wanted because of the fear you instilled in him.
That you have done this to my brother- I hope karma not only bites you, but runs you over with a freight train. I don't care if it was a joke, mean thought or whatever- it was WRONG.
A decent person does NOT have an affair for 2.5 years of their 3 year marriage and discuss getting pregnant so the husband can pay for the boyfriend's baby. Oh yes, your boyfriend's wife found the instant messages and sent them to my brother.
I hope you decay while living a long painful life. Because your soul is already rotten.
Know that once this is done, you will not even be a consideration- you were NEVER worth that.
I leave for the airport in a little less than 36 hours. Work has been good, but I'm a little overwhelmed with all I have to do between now and then.
I really wish for that ability to just shoot the shit, and shrug it off, then go have fun. Instead I find myself grateful for all that is happening, but a part of me still looks at it as if it is two dimensional. I don't really know why I'm still here.
There are so many places I could be, go to, find, etc. Why here? Perhaps my morose is caused by knowing the mess I will be dealing with in Seattle. It could be because of previous year's events... whatever the reason, I don't want to look back.
Seeing the hurt and pain is one thing. Realizing how wounded you were, and blind to what was in front of you is completely another. I don't like being vulnerable, nor do I like weakness. To say I was consumed by both would be an understatement.
So I simply take one more step in front of the other...
I'm feeling a bit anti social and "off" today. I saw a picture of Marie and it really made me miss her- add to the mix, one year ago tomorrow we found out Garry would not make it.
It's a strange perspective from then till now. It seems surreal, like that did NOT really happen. No way those things... but they did.
And I feel like I've woken from that dream only to realize everything except what I was looking for. Yet I don't want to admit that, so I bury myself with more work and things to do- until I simply don't have time to face the one truth...
I'm uber excited! So far we've raised 500.00 for the local women's/family shelter :)
We still have two hours to go, and a week of selling raffle tickets and our open house! YAY
I also was able to book an appointment with my hair dresser for Friday. So I now have tattoo that was started finished, microderm abrasion on Thursday, hair cut/colour on Friday, Car detailed on Friday with dripless oil spray for winter, open house on Saturday and I leave 4am on Sunday.
o.o
Whaaaaaaat? I don't know how I'm gonna get everything done! ACK!
6.5 hours later, 4-5hr of work; re-doing the entire outline of the foot then colouring it and redoing much of what was colored before and then finishing the rest... I'm trashed. Green tea, Elf, food, and bed... Hopefully I'm more rested tomorrow for our charity event.
I'm quite a bit fatigued today. Last night was a people of walmart party where my costume consisted of two badly put on pasties (but coverage was had) pastel patchwork overalls, black leggings and Christmas socks with fake uggs.
Was a great night of political, religious, and social discussion - and of course good eats/drinks.
Today I finish what has been started on my leg piece. Please text me, I'm gonna need distractions around 2pm eastern time...
How can I mix such emotions together? I am SO freaking grateful right now I want to simply GLOW.
At the same point another person in my sphere has cancer. I can't say anything about it because it was told in practice. But it angers me that this disease will one more time have a major impact on someone I care about. Enough already.
Having witnessed such hurt over the years between people I care about; to now see them having bridged the gap that once was... Shows why I valued you. I LOVE seeing that, I wish more people could extend and grow such as you. It is fanfuckingtabulous!
I am going to go stare at myself in front of the mirror, because I can. Basics of this story: when I moved, my new place didn't have medicine cabinet, just a mirror. I took mirror down, and bought cabinet but then needed to paint...
Finished the painting last week, so this week (actually this am) HTM came over and found my studs and screwed them right. Wooo to more shelves and a working medicine cabinet!
What is wrong with me? I made beef, mushroom and cabbage soup with light raspberry wine. Had a few bowls then had to add chipotle Tabasco and dried cranberries. Why when it was flavorful to start?
I don't suspect many people get looking at the good times. So often we're taught that if something is painful, move past and forget. I refuse to do that. Instead I celebrate the hopes, dreams and laughter. Knowing it was just for us, and the rest that didn't get it then, they sure as hell won't get it now.
Today I start my day trying to assist in pregnancy. Seriously, it is what I do. This client is having IVF from frozen embryo and my role is to help the body not only be prepared for the transfer, but be healthy enough to support a pregnancy.
It is the time of hopes and dreams.
Yesterday, my client had miscarried at 14.5 weeks. I had to help them heal, remind them of the natural process and why the body sometimes rejects a pregnancy even if they have done everything RIGHT.
Going through these cycles of ups, downs with grief, fear, hope, and joy is simply what I do. But there is something about it today that speaks to the sacred part of being a woman. To the element of who and WHAT we are. In a world where many of the fertility clinics are run by men; this seems to sometimes get lost.
The sharing of these immense hopes, the tears over the loss should all be honoured. Yet somehow, that is not what is done. This gives me more about how I want to set up my practice. I have been specializing in fertility since I started. Along with performance, these two things which seem so different; truly are the same. Only difference is the goal for the end.
Time for me to start to "redesign" how I present things, and more importantly how I educate my clients so they don't get lost in seas of emotions from too many hormones, and clinics that do treat them like a number.
I head to Seattle in 12 days. It simply can't be soon enough- it is hard to know that you have a family member in pain- even worse to know they feel isolated and unable to talk to the rest of the family about this.
This is my first time home for any length of time since 2009. While uber excited, I'm kinda scared too as it means I have to take time away from work. Give and take.
Prince last night was a blast. Just some background- London is well known for having non-responsive audience members. So much so, many bands refuse to return, or simply won't come. Not Prince. The man rocked it.
He aslo is still traveling with "Candy". Don't know Candy? Look him up, he was sax for James Brown. This is two days of post concert awe.
Opening song from VNV last night. Such an awesome show- they played 5 songs they normally don't. By the end of the concert NO ONE was standing, everyone was dancing.
What can I say about this past year? Horrible. If I never-ever have to go through such a thing, I will be eternally grateful.
That stated, I am grateful still for you. I do not regret, as in life so much of the shat came from others. While you were not clear in what you wanted, you were supportive of what ever direction I was going and more importantly made certain you were there.
You would not allow the same from me, but I get that too. When it was important you did- although a bit late. Who said we weren't stubborn, eh? Looking back it is the lessons of what I find truly important, the love of a friend and the trust that entails that I miss the most.
However life goes on, and new people are on the horizon and I'm seeing myself FINALLY. After 10 years I truly feel like "I'm HERE". Before it what was, would be, or could be. Right here, right now- I am.
I'm so sorry I couldn't call you about the puppy. You would have been so excited- as I know how much you LOVED animals. You also would understand why I'm putting so much energy into it now. The positivity needs to be nurtured and encouraged to grow further, and frankly those around me; very few of them allow for this.
It is hard to express the level of hurt, missing and loneliness that I've experienced since you left. Yet at the same point, I'm seeing what is real- and that is giving me a MUCH better grounding and balance to work from. I always said to you that everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes, it is at the expense of us. What's done is done, so it's time to keep on putting that nose to the grind. But you are not forgotten, not even in the slightest.
All in all a good day, now Spazz won't stop yammering at me. Since Scrapper died she talks WAYYY more, and wants far more attention. Egon will help her too I'm certain.
Today I bought a dog bed (a more appropriate size since my last dogs were 65lbs), doggie stairs to get to the bed (Spazz will think they are for her), Greenies (92 of them!), doggy poo bags, dried chicken strips, dog food container (again had big one for other dogs, this time can use smaller)...
All I need is the furry one!
Wish list: skull collar/leash (he will have attitude!), doggie floatation vest (plan on taking him to rowing with me), air line carrier for when we travel, and little sweaters so he hates me. Heh. I'm thinking my family will be doing much of the wish list as my Christmas gift. Seems like they are already wanting him to come. :)
BUT OUCH to the pocket book! Tis ok, what I buy now- I don't have to worry about later. And I'd rather go without now then to get him and be like??? what to do.
Only other thing is heartworm/flea medication for spring/summer. Whew... what am I forgetting?
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