Something wicked becomes something magical18:10 Aug 30 2009
Times Read: 977
As those of you close to me know, I have been going through an immense amount of change over the past 4 years. Much of it has been written about in this journal.
There is voice that I slowly started to develop, that I am starting to realize is me.
Before I put the credit on others, and rightly so for everyone has their muse. Yet the truth is the voice has always been mine, but because of my own insecurities and unwillingness to own up to my own successes I have held myself back.
Now I am entering a time of focus, one where my boundaries and previously preconceived notions are going to be stretched and challenged to their limits. I have always feared this moment.
Will I cower and run?
How can I withstand the destruction of my life when I built it on sand?
What will become of me?
In short I have feared what I cannot control. That has been part of what I’m coming to grips with, I have no true control except over what I do. In that I must own up to my own failures and from there go through the consequences of my actions or inaction.
Consequences.
Such a nasty word in English, a part of me wishes we looked more at the aspect of neutrality of this word. It is not a positive or negative, it simply implies that with every action there is a reaction. I must remind myself of this, because what I fear is not bad, or evil- it is myself. As I move closer to my mid-life, I have to remind myself that there are (God willing) just as many years I have lived, or more waiting for me. Ah, the ignorance and misunderstandings of youth that create unneeded urgency.
Patience.
That is a hindrance for me as I’m used to going as I need to, when I need to. Even though it took me four years to find the place I needed to be, I still did not understand that there was more for me to learn. It has been in the still moments where my utter failure in my own ideals, and in who I want to be; that I have learned beauty is more than perfection. The beauty in our gifts from the spirit, is that they are not bound here- they are ether and we merely touch it for brief moments.
Stunning.
The shock of seeing beauty in my imperfections is still something I have not grown fully used to. How is it possible that we, have beauty in being less than? When has weakness ever equated to greatness? And then I remember the parables, the lessons and teaching of all the great spiritual masters. It is not a perfect world we live in, day to day living is full of what people would label evil for lack of understanding the concept of consequences. Evil as we know it is simply the absence of love.
Joseph Campbell wrote about and talked about what he considered hell. The idea is quite simple: it is the absence of God’s love for us. Or the unwillingness to accept that love, that is given through grace. So many of us use these words in our day to day live without grasping the profound affect they hold on our psyche. It does not matter if your concept of the world is atheist or a different religion from my own- if you do not love and have not found grace, you will falter.
A friend has mentioned that they do not want to go back to a path they have travelled so comfortably for years, and my only advise to them is to remember what you love. That will anchor you through these times of despair and hurt. I remember well the verses in Matthew that we memorized for Bible bowl, in particular the ones that have become the foundation of my spirituality.
”Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself’ all the Law and the Prophets hand on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:36-40 NIV
Love.
Pure and simple is the key to what we need for success. It does not guarantee that there will be no ill or difficult times; it does give us the strength and the fortitude to see beyond our so very small views and grow in being the people we wish and want to be. Even with the trials of people that oppose or cause disturbance in my being, love is the key to my understanding and finding the grace of compassion.
We do not have to get along. Sadly I have learned the difficult truth that two opposing viewpoints can both be fully valid, and therefore true. Still this pain, or suffering as the Buddhist philosophy would state is a constant reminder of our place and time here. Mix in love with tolerance and suddenly or slowly the pain dissolves into a lesson we cannot only stomach, but use for our spiritual growth. If we choose.
There is no destiny.
There are consequences, and those can be amazing and transformative in our perceptions and actions. I think therefore I am, is a great reminder of who controls the reality we exist in. When we approach our thoughts as an indicator of our spiritual, emotional, mental health- then we open the door to something so great it has no words… it simply is.
I am.
For a moment of time; this moment to be exact, it is a gift to me. How much time will I have in this moment does not matter, for I know how I may find it again. The path is very clear to me and while physically I may not do what I know I should, the imperfection of my weakness is allowing me to lean on the strength of this amazing gift. A gift so delectable that I can never in my attempts successfully match it, except through grace.
I am reminded of moment that the movie “V for Vendetta” presented, the line was:
“But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.”
So as this moment fades in my being, a lingering aspect of its mist reminds me that love is merely the vessel we hold, it is what we fill it with that determines us…
"Thanks to emptiness, everything is possible"
-Thich Nhat Hanh- taken from a friend’s profile.
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