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I don't know if I'm ok anymore. I think I've gotten too caught up with the shadows around me. Nothing but darkness. There doesn't seem to be a light. And even so, it would be rather dim til it fades to darkness once again. IT got a hold of me. IT broke my mind to pieces. IT's starting to consume me. And all I can do is hope I have the strength to break away. I have nothing. I have no one. I'm alone in this hole I seem to have dug myself into. I take responsibility for my own actions. I know I'm not perfect. I feel like I should have more than what I have now. My depression & anxiety just seems to get worse each day. My mood is constantly shifting, depending on who I'm around. When I'm around certain people, everything seems to be real good. But when I'm alone... everything fades back to grey. I'm tired of trying to make others around me happy. I've stepped down from that expectation of making others happy & when I say No to them.. I'm a bitch for it. I question who my real friends are or if I have any at all. I don't think I do. I think it's every man for himself. Which is kinda fucked up. Cause I know I would never leave someone else in the dark. I'd put all my bullshit aside to aid to someone else's wounds. And yet, I'm always left in the dark. I drove home tonight. I cried while I was driving. Thinking too much. Music off. Just the silence on the dark road home. I don't think Love wants me. I don't think anyone can truly love me. I don't see why anyone would, honestly. I'm a bit of a mess. I would never hurt anyone intentionally. But I know I'm not good enough for anyone either. Pain turns to tears, tears turn to rust.. and eventually, that pain from the get go, just turns to numb. When you're numb, everything seems to be the same each day. Nothing changes. Nothing feels different or seems to get better. Just remains in stand still. On Pause. Writing this right now, just makes me want to cry so.. i think now would be a good stopping point. I needed to get it out though. One way or another. And the other option just makes me hate myself more.

Somethings don't feel right. I'm walking down this narrow road that only the shadows seem to keep at my side. There's no lights. Just darkness. And as I walk, I think about the past and how it made me who I am today. Am I a person at all? Or just another parasite like all the rest? I question myself. The sins I've committed haunt me. The habits I have, consume me. Yet I still find solace in the night. I keep my promises, I hold my breathe, I try try try. Is it good enough? I can only hope. Try harder. I keep telling myself over and over. I'm not there yet. I shouldn't be satisfied with where I stand. Or If I've fallen. I Have fallen. I need to get back up. Can I? One can only hope. My minds distracted. My hopes seem so far away. My visions blurred and the emptiness grows. I need something. I'm searching. Leaning towards it. But it's unknown. I'll find it soon enough. And then maybe the light on this dark road will shine again.

I can feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's getting harder to breathe each second of the day. My lungs feel like they could collapse. My eye sight is blurred, the visions I once saw for the future now seem so far away. Hands shaky. Skin cold. My stomach aching, churning. And yet, this craving keeps taking. Eyes wide open, mind still half asleep. But never stopping. Always going. Always thinking and never breaking. Tired, confused, lost, alone, irritable.. I guess those are the side effects. I found myself cursing the world today. And then I stopped and pondered why. The reason scared me. I scared me. I'm beginning to forget who I am. Forgetting what I stood for. Things aren't the same in this dark, cold lonely place. I flick the lighter. Or I wish I could. Nothing left. Scavenged. Nothing left. I can't speak. I feel too weak. I wish I could sleep forever. Sounds amazing. There's really no one to call on. I think if I did, I might just get yelled at or something. I'm tired... but I can't sleep. I'm awake. Awake. Awake.

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1SilentNoise1
14:37 Nov 13 2011

"I think if I did, I might just get yelled at or something."



Nope did not yell at you ^.^

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I don't know where I'm going to go with this.. so, just play along. I'm not perfect. Nothing close to it. I make mistakes, more than I should. I slack off, I do things wrong. I procrastinate, I do drugs, I have my addictions. Everyone does though. In some way, shape, or form. We all have them. I'm a disaster waiting to happen. And Yet I won't change for anyone. I wish I had a friend. A real friend. My life is very lonely. I'm reclusive, for the most part. I don't know how to handle certain situations. Or perhaps it appears that I do because I always remain with a calm aura around me. I don't hate many. And yet, I do. I hate stupidity. I hate arrogance. I hate, blindness. When the answers are right in front of you. Truth is too much for some. They turn from it like it's bad news. I want to see the truth. I want to know what's real. But someitmes, it's hard to distinguish what's real in this life. Sometimes, things are too real. And I need to escape. Perhaps its the reason why I do the things I do. I'm sure it is.. I know this. No one really understands. I can try to explain it. I mostly get frowned upon on. It's fine. I don't expect understanding or acceptance, but a little room to breathe would be nice. The pressure builds with all the stress from all the bullshit around me. School.. looking for a job that can't be found in this city, family that just doesn't even know you. You're a stranger. An outsider. That's why I left home. I can't go back. Even if I wanted to. I'll always be the outcast. I can't take the pressure from certain things. I'm not good at handling certain situations. My anxiety builds. My heart races and the air in my lungs disappears. I don't want to be another lie. I don't want to be another face without a voice or a name. But then sometimes, standing in the back isn't so bad. The spotlight isn't what I want either. I just want to know that I have SOMEONE that can be there and see me. See me for who I really am, understand as much as they can and accept with no fear or doubts in mind. Trust me, and I trust them. Will that ever happen though? Who knows, really. Maybe. I want to feel something. The drugs help. I feel alive again. Like I can breathe and everything's ok. Would you consider that a problem? Some would say yes. I'm sure most would say yes. I've been told I'm depressed. So what? I think everyone's depressed. It's all the different ways we go about it that makes the depression severe or light. I'm just a person. A person that wants to feel something more than what I've been told or what I've known. I don't have the answers. I just, go with the flow of things. I can numb my own pain. I can handle the rush, the adrenaline, the fear. I can make Fantasy from reality. I can do anything. Even if it's not right. I hate these walls that I call home. It doesn't feel like home. It feels like I'm trapped in a box. I just want to be able to scream as loud as I want with no consequences. My mom... her house is like a damn library. Like you have to walk on eggshells. So silent. So dark. I hate it. It's not home. It's a library. No speaking aloud. Especially if you're speaking your mind. I've been shot down for my opinions. It only made me want to speak out more. I learn when to keep my mouth shut, but i know how to hold my voice. I'm not weak. I'm not simple minded. I'm more than what I appear to most. To most, I'm this.. rough around the edges girl that doesn't know what the meaning of "Life" is. So very wrong. I'm hard and yet I'm fragile. I'm stern and loving. I'm cold and I can hit with a passion hotter than fire. I know life more than most. I know what it is to persevere. I know what it is to feel pain and to be shot down but to stand back up on your own. To lift yourself up. To hold yourself up when no one else will. I know what struggle and hardships are. I know what the price is to pay for a stupid mistake or the wrong words. I know to fix things. I know what it takes to accomplish things, even If I'm not always on the ball. I'm a contradiction to myself. I love feeling like this.. I wish It would never go away. I want to be alive. Always. I am always alive. I just, feel dead some days.. more than others. I kiss the rain, embrace the wind, bask in the sunlight and look to the moon for guidance in dark times. I'm alive.

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golgotha
08:39 Nov 05 2011

Yes...you are alive...and feeling...

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Kiss the wind goodbye. Tell the rain your stories. Embrace the warmth of the sun, See the moon as your Guidance in such dark times. Look to the stars for hope. Keep to the grounds for peace. Hold your hands high and keep your faith.

I waited to be loved again. Waited for the right time to pass. Never felt like I truly belonged here. Never really lived a full day. Always waited in the shadows of someone else's dream. Always second best, cause I'm not who they wanted me to be. I keep to myself. Walk the long dark way home. Creep pass the streetlights, that shine the eerie way home. Talk to myself, cause there's no one else to talk to. Sing to myself, because it helps pass the time. Sleep by myself, cause there's no one there to hold on to. And drink by myself, cause it just helps numb the pain. But it's ok.. I would tell myself over and over again. I'll find my way out, once again. I always do, right? I hold my head high, I take another swig. I talk to myself some more and only hope for the best. That I make it out alive in this world thats cold and dark. Cruel and Rude. Yet I hold a smile. Light and faint. But it's still there.

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divineshadow
06:06 Nov 13 2011

I have been there...

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