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7 entries this month
17:51 Nov 14 2024
Times Read: 62
A couple nights ago I woke up at 11 o’clock at night and ran to the bathroom to get sick. It carried on until about 8 in the morning. When I went to sleep that night, I felt fine. And I didn’t eat anything weird.
This is what I think it was – earlier in the day I had an appointment with one of my lawyer’s contracted doctors to go over my military record, holding the military accountable for more than what they already are. I have 100% rating, so this isn’t going to give me any more money – just some validation.
Anyway, I’m on the phone listening to this doctor read over my entire history – and even though I lived it and know it very well, I had this visceral reaction to it. I had to hide the emotion in my voice as I was speaking back to her.
This kind of thing makes me sick. And I know I’m not the only one who reacts to things like this. I also have a huge problem with nightmares. I think the combination of that conversation plus my “normal“ nightmares manifested into serious physical illness. I couldn’t get out of bed until later in the afternoon, which sucked because I had a lot of schoolwork to do. Luckily I finished it and none of it was half-assed.
Last night, sleep was much better.
02:42 Nov 12 2024
Times Read: 91
On my computer, the picture of Ann on the ofrenda is correct, but when I look at it from my phone, it’s rotated to the left. I’m not going to bother with it. If it happens to look that way on your phone, you can just turn your phone 🤣
22:55 Nov 11 2024
Times Read: 127
Wow… I had a speechless moment there a few minutes ago. Although I did give a response, it wasn’t good enough. And this was a positive experience.
Learning you’re valued is the best gift.
*
In other news, I have a home gym en route to me. I have a fitness goal, and that’s to be the strongest I’ve ever been in my life – and that includes my time spent on active duty in the Marine Corps. To be the strongest I’ve ever been in my life, means doing more than I’ve ever done in my life – and I’m ready to do it. I’m going to let my physical strength be an example for my mental strength. The body is a machine and it will do incredible things. I should expect no less with my mind. And just as I type that, I know that’s easier said than done when you deal with severe anxiety and PTSD. But here I am, ready to tackle this anyway.
18:09 Nov 04 2024
Times Read: 172
I see (at least on my end) that one of the ofrenda pictures I posted in my portfolio is rotated incorrectly. That’s not how I uploaded it. I’ll fix it later. 🤷🏻♀️
Oh, what a night!16:11 Nov 04 2024
Times Read: 184
I’m feeling better today after the accident than I thought I would. I don’t know if things are going to change from here… But who knows. It’s not that I feel “great”… But since I’m used to chronic pain, I have to say that I’m not feeling it any worse than what I normally deal with. So I’ll just take that as a plus.
The vampire ball was an extraordinary evening. I was not expecting to have the time that I had. I knew that it would be fun… But there was a lot of attention on me, which was kind of shocking. Yes, I dressed up… But I don’t think anything I had on touched some of the amazing costumes there. I wasn’t dressed to the theme, really… I just put some pieces together that I thought might look cool. And for whatever reason – people were stopping me all night long to tell me how amazing I looked, and even stopping to take pictures of me. I felt like I was a celebrity, lol. And not only that, I felt like I was 21 again!
I don’t go out much. And when I say not much… That was my first “going out” since Ann (Sahahria) was here in New Orleans 9 years ago and passed away just a little over a week later. I felt her presence there. Of course I brought her with me and placed her photo on the ofrenda. The theme was the Día de los Muertos celebration, and we spoke about how on this holiday the thin veil between life and death is such that they come back to celebrate with us. And you can believe in whatever you want – but I felt it on an immense scale. Ann was there jammin’ out with us.
I danced all night long, and at 51 years old I felt so strange… Because there were people “checking me out“ and my son was beaming with pride next to me, as I kept on being floored by all of this attention, he said to me, “well deserved mom – you look great!“
I placed the photos in my portfolio just now – because it was easier than putting them here in my journal. And I think that’s a good place for them to be. You can see a couple photos of me, a couple photos of the ofrenda, and one shot of my son. I was having such a good time that I didn’t think to take any more pictures of the event. I was too busy dancing and being taken aback by the notice I was getting. I did not leave feeling any ego… I just left feeling like maybe I shouldn’t be such a shut-in anymore. But I’m still not ready to make much of a change yet. I am safe at home with my nose in the “books“, and spending my time devoted to my classes.
02:45 Nov 04 2024
Times Read: 209
We were rear-ended today and it really threw me off my good mojo. Last night I had an amazing time with my son at the Endless Nights Vampire Ball. It was such a good time… I’ll post pictures tomorrow if I can. I’m hurting right now. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to be like. These things happen, I know.
I had such a good time last night. I asked myself why I don’t get out more often… Then today the accident kind of threw me back into staying away from the world. I only allowed myself to get out there because I got the tickets a while back. Even though I fell back into my seclusion, I needed to attend this event with my son. It was one of the best evenings of my life.
I hope I have the energy to post photos tomorrow. 🙏
23:55 Nov 01 2024
Times Read: 243
The season isn’t over until after tomorrow. If you haven’t had a good spooky time yet – keep on rollin’ :)
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COMMENTS
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STABB666
04:32 Nov 15 2024
The book, 'the body keeps the score' explains much of this quite well. Trigger warning of some hellish stuff that's discussed plainly.
As a summation, it details how the autonomic response to past trauma can replicate the sensations and potentially even manifest physical symptoms, such as bruising, or even how some of the chemicals released by the body in response to the reliving of the event(s) can be overwhelming.
It is an interesting book, but handle with care and for anyone that considers reading- understand the content carefully before doing so. Highly recommended to have someone who is a close confidant available when reading if there's an unresolved trauma. Anyway, jumping off my soapbox to go ask for ad revenue from the author...
Cartomancer
17:58 Nov 15 2024
I have this book on Audible – I started to listen to it, and I immediately got in a low zone as they were talking about this Vietnam vet. I will try it again sometime… But that theme for me is just triggering alone. My PTSD is not from combat, but I grew up with a father as a Vietnam vet and his close cousin who was also a Vietnam vet with serious PTSD and things that came from that… So it can be difficult for me to listen to those stories. Again, though… I will try this book another time – but it’s hard to stay a when. If I’m in a better state of mind to tackle it, then I don’t really need the help lol… But already being in a low spot and then having a book begin that way- I just had to stop it.