Jacked From Puppy...All I Have To Say Is...WOOT!13:16 Jan 25 2008
Times Read: 965
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the yuppie version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days --- mowing my
lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged . I have a better description for these kids:
'Lucky'.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the
cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two
of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he
will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and
order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge jerk.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing
'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your a ** . And it translates
to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the
U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too darned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,
they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard
Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy old television shows, then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the
first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be
a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I
just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just
fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in
the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and
want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then
for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available
piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
COMMENTS
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TheDarkWolf
12:03 Jan 29 2008
Clove Oil ...as long as it is a tooth...tastes bad...but does wonders.
Vampirewitch39
00:22 Jan 30 2008
*rat pets the tiger on the neck*
I hope it gets better sis. I wish I could take the pain away for you.
Silverbow
00:38 Feb 01 2008
I second the clove oil!!!! It really does help and does not give you any of the side effects of medications.