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So, today I hear that some people find the members of my mentorship are basically idiots. Something about our mentor supposedly holds herself in higher regards than God. Who the fuck are you to pass judgement on our members? What makes you the all knowing of what happens amongst us? You think you are the judge and jury? Are you the one who sets the standards? Maybe you are just jealous that you do not feel the closeness that we all do. Maybe you haven't fully experienced actual friendship and therefore cannot comprehend it. Who knows; maybe there is no reason at all. Maybe you just haven't learned how to mind your own fucking business.

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Juny
19:49 May 31 2010

I love my Twi. :) Well said. :)

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BelovedxTwilight
02:16 Jun 01 2010

We loves you too, Juny!! XOXO

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Our family never had money; my grandmother quit school when she was 13 years old to work at a paper mill where her mother worked until the day she died. My grandmother met my grandfather when she was 15 years old and he was home on leave from the Army. They married early and were together until the day my grandfather died in 1987. She died in 1996. I’ll talk more about her later.



Apparently my mother and father did a lot of moving around when I was younger. I don’t remember all of the places; memories faded still back then. I remember being told about living in Saranac Lake when I was between the ages of 6 and 12 months old. The first bone I ever broke was my left collar bone; I was 9 months old and rolled off the couch while taking a nap. According to family members, my grandparents tried fighting for custody of me at that time. When I was brought to the Emergency Room, the doctor’s had explained that my bones were weaker than they should be; I was being picked up wrong and I wasn’t getting proper nourishment. The courts sided with my mother; after all, a child belongs with their mother.



The first time I ever lived in the town of Keeseville was when I was a young child around 5 years old.

My parents took me to a community picnic; I broke my left collar bone again that day. I climbed up a 6 foot fence, and fell over the other side; the doctor’s told me how lucky I was that I hadn’t broken my neck. No one ever bothered to ask my parents where they were when I was climbing up a fence that I shouldn’t have been near. This time of my life is when my father became a convict in my memories. I don’t know if he did anything before this time, but I remember being told about how he got arrested for fraud. Apparently my father had a gambling habit he couldn’t afford while paying the bills. He started stealing Social Security and disability checks from mailboxes and cashing them as the “child”, “grandchild” or “caregiver”. I don’t know how long it took for them to figure it out, but they did and he did a few years in prison for it. From that point on, it seemed he could not stay out of prison for more than a year or two. During this time, my mother met my sister’s father. She actually tried to pass my sister off as my father’s child, but in the end, they found that there was no way she was my father’s child and this is when a new chapter of my life started.



We were living in a trailer park at the time because my mother couldn’t afford the rent on the house with my father in prison. My Aunt Mary (on my father’s side) also lived in the same park. At first, my mother would ask if I could spend the weekend with Aunt Mary so she could get away and clear her head. Then after a few weekends she started calling on Sunday nights asking if I could stay a few extra days. It didn’t take long until I was living with Aunt Mary and Uncle Cliff. I was enrolled in school at my aunt’s address and she was now my surrogate mother. It took about 6 months before my mother even called to check up on me. She would cry to Aunt Mary how much she missed me and how sorry she was for not contacting me sooner. She begged to take me for a few hours at a time until my aunt finally started to give in. Right after, my mother decides she wants me to move back in with her because we are going to live with her new boyfriend at his home. My aunt took her to court for custody on the grounds that my mother abandoned me; which she did. She dropped me off for “a weekend” that lasted almost 2 years. In the end, the courts, once again, decided that a child “belongs with their biological mother”. That day I died a little inside. Aunt Mary was so heart-broken that they were taking me from her. Hell, I was upset too! I loved her more than anything. You know, back then, at my age, I wasn’t even allowed to give my own testimony because I was too young and had no idea what I wanted or who I wanted to live with. If they had asked my opinion, I would have chose Aunt Mary. My life would be completely different if I had stayed where I was. I guess fate had other plans for me.

When you are a child, you always dream about what you are going to be when you grow up. You live in this fantasy world where you are rich and famous; you have a mansion, a devoted “Prince Charming” for a husband, and two perfect children (well, two in my world).



When do you suppose, is the moment, that we lose those fantasies; when exactly does the real world take over for us? When do we realize that our childhood dreams will not become a reality? Well, for the small percentage of the world, it does come true. Not for the masses, though. The majority of the world falls in to place among the rest of the average population. So, is it true? Does opportunity only knock for those who were born in to the world opportunities? Most times, I truly do believe that. You know what else I believe? I believe that whether we like it or not, our past does effect what we become in the future. Why; because EVERYTHING matters. No matter how miniscule something seems, it matters.



I was a happy child, I suppose. I had a family that had gone through rough times before I was even born, but overall I was the average happy child. I don’t know exactly when the river of happiness ran dry; all I know is that was definitely gone by the time I hit the age where memories actually stuck around for me.



My mother was good at being selfish. I think I even remember it being that way as a child. Of course, her and my father suffered a loss early in their marriage. I wasn’t the first born; only the first survivor. My mother gave birth to a baby boy 11 months before I was born but, he didn’t make it. He died of SIDS 14 days after he was born; I am sure this was the main reason I was even born. My father was in the Navy when he met my mother; she got pregnant with my brother right before he was sent overseas. Of course, he was sent home and received an honorable discharge, but from what I was told later on in life, it didn’t exactly happen that way; maybe I’ll explain better later on.

I just don't understand how some people think. How can they just use someone til there is nothing left and get pissed when there;s nothing left? I have a grown person in my house that acts like a child yet makes all the rules. How on earth did I let a situation like this get to this point? I ask myself this a thousand times a day and I still cannot answer it; maybe I am just a sucker for punishment; maybe I am just too scared to take action; maybe I am so far gone in my mind that I don't care; that can't be true because I know there is a better life waiting for me; all I need is my freedom to be me. If you have to lock someone up to keep them; why bother? Why can't you just leave and move on to your next victim? Why do you continue to torture me? Why can't I take a stand and force you out? What did you do to me that I can't defend myself against your verbal abuse? Why does it hurt when you say something even though I hate you? What happened in your life that you feel the need to take it out on me? What did I do to you that makes you act this way? What happened? I wish I knew.

You are ranked 420th with 9.883





Now how do I keep myself at this rank?!?



::giggles::

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BelovedxTwilight
05:07 Oct 04 2010

whoa I can't believe since May I have only moved to The mid 300's! LoL

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Sometimes it seems that things happen when you least expect them to; this could be in a good way or a bad way. Recently, something happened in my life and as unexpecting as it was, I am ever so glad that it did.



I didn't know that I could be as happy as I am at the moment and regardless of how hard some people try, there is just no ruining my happiness as of late.



I know that I could be a lot happier than I am, but that will be rectified and the sooner the better! I am driving myself insane with thoughts and images that is making me extremely impatient to be where I belong.

Well, today I spent some time on the telephone with a new found friend. Let me tell you, I had no idea that friends like this still existed. It is so nice to be able to sit there and talk to someone for a couple of hours and not struggle for something to talk about and not have to hear those moments of awkward silence; either way, I just wanted to say thanks for the chat! I loved it :)

So the wake and funeral for my niece was quite interesting; thought I was going to get arrested for standing up to my sister in law's ex; he decided to show up at the wake to pretty much start trouble, bother his ex, and cause a scene. Of all the places to start drama, he picks a funeral for a child; like it wasn't hard enough already to be there. So, I tried to keep my mouth shut and not say anything, but within 20 minutes of his arrival he already had 3 different people crying and that was enough for me. Then of course, he started running his mouth to me and started threatening to have me arrested for harassment and man, I just wanted to punch him right in his mouth and I think I would have if it hadn't been for my sister in law.



Anyhow, man I hate assholes.

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CelestiaLaura202
01:57 May 04 2010

I am sorry for your loss and that you had to put up with an insensitive jack ass .

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Silverhawk
02:26 May 17 2010

Unfreakin-believable..where was the funeral director?...I would have thought with such a blow-hard starting trouble at a funeral and upsetting folks, the guy running the place would have asked him to leave or had a cop come escort his happy bootie off the premises..completely uncalled for..I think I would have punched him anyway. ;)

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