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2 entries this month
I Hope you Dance20:46 Apr 29 2006
Times Read: 695
This was taken from one of my profiles.. (Mar-Apr 06)
* "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack *
* Some of you are probably disgusted by my choice in music, but I just don't really care. This song has a lot of meaning for me, hence I play it.
This is the story behind it...
Three years ago, one of my best friends, who is a cousin, called me out of the blue... "*** is asking for a divorce. I can't do anything but say yes..." You see, divorce is strongly frowned apon in my Hmong community. Being a divorcee makes you the equivalent of a whore basically- no matter the reason, or who prompted it. My heart went out to her, but being the person I was, I told her things would be fine, and that to not let talk bother her. Within the course of the next month, she moved back in with her parents and tried to rebuild her life. Now, the Hmong community, once youre divorced (whether it be finalized or not) sees you as free game to come a'courting. Yes, a little archaic, but hey, many of us are first generation Americans here... Anyhow, my mother calls me and tells me, "Danny's coming out to marry Julie (my cousin noted above) and you should talk to her." "WHAO!?" I thought, "holy cow.. he doesn't waste time, does he?" You see, a little history here... When we were all growing up, Julie being 13, I 15, and Danny 16, the two of them dated. Now, it didn't help that Julie was from Minnesota, and Danny in Connecticut. But they were madly in love and wanted to make it forever (yes, underage marriages- still an archaic custom many Hmong people still follow) but alas, the distance and the age made it hard on them.. both sets of parents wished them to wait... Danny rebelled... became the equivalent of a man-whore (inside joke here) and dated whomever, and slept with whomever... prompting Julie to drift away from him... Now, my "nephew" Telly was a result of one of these escapades... Danny had to marry his then girlfriend.. prompting Julie to run into someone else's arms...
In the eleven years following, Danny's marriage crumbled... and so did Julie's. When Danny heard that Julie was again single... he jumped at marrying her. Bought a one-way ticket to Minnesota, 10,000 dollars (dowry) in pocket with hopes of having her parents agree to their marriage. When I called her, she asked me seriously if she should marry him... I took a deep breath, and said, "Honey, he still loves you and I know that deep down you love him still. The timing was wrong last time, but maybe it was meant to be this way. You now have two beautiful children with *** to bring to Danny, as he has two beautiful sons to bring to you. You are both older, maturer, and know what will make and break a relationship. That one door with *** may have closed, but this one has opened. Take that chance, and go be happy with Danny. I know he still loves you." We both cried.. and she begged me to come to her wedding, so my husband (fiance at the time) drove the 8 hours to Minnesota that night. Somewhere between Kansas City and Iowa, Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You Dance" came on... Let me tell you, its hard to drive when you're bawling... it just made sense.. and made me feel better. It let me KNOW Danny and Julie were going to make it.
And ever since then, this song has always made me feel that fate DOES play a big role in our lives... that things really DO happen for a reason.. and I know that it is true.. for Danny and Julie.. and for me. For had I not gone through what I have.. I would not be where I am today.. with the love of my life.
Its been three years now, and they have two more sons to add to their family, Adrian and Ace. As beautiful as their mother, and as loving as their father. May they always be blessed...*
What is wrong with me?08:15 Apr 07 2006
Times Read: 700
So here I am again.. sad and depressed. What is wrong with me? Why do I slide into these lapses of depression? And nothing I do, or anything anyone does or says can shake me out of it.
I listen to sad songs, and cry.. thats all I do.
Pitiful existence that I lead... my husband loves me.. never pressures me to do or say or think anything.. supportive to the end.. yet, I can't help feel like I'm a horrible burden to him.
I haven't held a job in over two months.. I don't want one, though I need to eventually kick my butt in gear and get one... expences are only going to increase the longer I stay unemployed... I'm sure my mother-in-law is rolling her eyes again, and tutting me.. it's NOT my imagination.. I swear she does! Ok, so I have never seen her, but I know she has talked to Dan before.. Is Mary looking for a job? Thats like the topic of discussion every time they talk now.. at least one of the topics... *sigh*
Why oh why can't I shake this feeling?
Haven't been on as much lately... to tell the truth, its a combination of depression, boredom, and restlessness ALONG with the whole preparation of moving to the new house and preparing for the baby. *sigh* even the idea of the baby just tires me out.. and I KNOW.. its horrible.. I've been waiting for a baby for so long.. been wanting one to hold and love, and be mine.. but the whole process of adoption.. I'm dreading it.. SOOO dreading it.
*sigh* the rantings and bawling, and sniffling, and crying to sad songs.. what the hell is wrong with me?
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