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I want to write. I want to speak words that will bring people to their knees. I can feel it rising inside of me, but no words come out. I long to say those words that I know reside in my soul, but they are trapped, never to be released. Worst of all, I don't know why.



I'm so very tired. Tired of all the lies I tell myself everyday just to get by. Lies that it will be alright, that I'll survive. Lies that can never be true.

Ok, so I'm a bit pissed off today. I have, once again, been stood up by the guy that was supposed to be my best friend. I have a banquet I have to go to tonight, and he was going to be my date. If I hadn't have called him to make sure everything was set, I would never have found out until I'm calling him asking him why he isn't there yet. The bastard couldn't even call me or tell me when he saw me earlier that day.



I shouldn't be too surprised though. He does this to me everytime I get something planned for us to spend some time together. Fine, I get the hint. Stay out of his life so he'll quit fucking with mine.

Why do they do this? Why do they tell me these things? They say that I am beautiful, that I am gorgeous, but I'm not. I can never be that. I am a horrid creature of the night, a slave to its darkness. I am no more beautiful than a maggot writhing in putrid flesh.



Why am I told such lies?



I often dream of world with no hate, no pain or suffering. I am happy there, at peace with myself, I'm whole. But then I wake up and realize that it all really was a dream, such a place never existed and could never exist. How could such a place exist for an Angel in Hell?

I cannot help but wonder what I am, and what it is that I have become. I know what my original purpose in life was supposed to be, but that has all changed now. I was born to replace my brother who died so many years ago, but I am nothing like him. I am nothing like the rest of my family.



I often wonder if I could be so easily split between the darkness and the light. Yet then I wonder what am I?



Am I the darkness with too much light in my soul?



Am I the light with too much darkness in my soul?



I belong to neither place and so I am stuck here in this dreadful place, this hellish purgatory. I know not what my purpose is, and for that I receive eternal nothingness...

I need to feed, and badly. It's been months since I last had blood. I've done my best to survive on the energy pulsing throughout the school I attend by I need something of substanence.



My major problem with all of this, I don't know if my usual donor would still be willing. Which means that I need to try to find a new one, and soon. I can already tell I'm going to have so much luck with that *sarcasm*



Until next we meet...

I'm exactly what the title says, physically and emotionally exhausted, and the week has only just begun. I'm seriously fucked in my history class, had a paper due last thursday, didn't have it, so teacher gave me the weekend to do it. Never did it and discovered today that it had to be three book sources, no encyclepedias or internet. Shit. On top of that, I have a three page essay due in psych on thursday, and a two page essay in phoenix. I realize that the end of the year is rather fast approaching, but that does not mean that the teachers should pile us up with homework like this. I honestly have no clue how I'm going to do all this. There's just no way.

sigh, I'm going to have to do something about my gelding, Beau. I don't know what's gotten into him, but he's decided that he's going to start rearing and trying to run away when I walk him out to the pasture. Because of this, my right hand is intermitantly numb because nerve damamge/rope burn, and I have severely strained muscles from trying to get him back on the ground. I was actually scared for my life today. I thought he was actually going to severely hurt me if I wasn't able to get control of him. I did manage to get the lead rope off and let him loose, but that was because I had to make sure he knew I was boss. I just don't think I can deal with that anymore. I'm not supposed to be afraid for my life when working with one of my horses. That's not how it's supposed to be...