The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Guffaw**
14:00 Mar 31 2011
Times Read: 746

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.



The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.



She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay

increase?"



Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The firs is that I iron better than you."



Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"



Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."



Wife: "Oh yeah?"



Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better

cook than you."



Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook

than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"



Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"



Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at s@x

than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted

teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora . . . the gardener did."



Wife: "So how much do you want?

**Guffaw**
13:58 Mar 29 2011
Times Read: 755

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally , the guys' side of the story.

( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear " the rules"

From the female side....



Now here are the rules from the male side.



These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "

ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)



1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.





1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.





1.. Crying is blackmail.





1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!





1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.





1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.





1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.





1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.





1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one





1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.





1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..





1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.





1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.





1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.





1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..





1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.





1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .





1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football

or Cars.





1. You have enough clothes.





1. You have too many shoes.





1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!





1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;







But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

**Giggles**
13:54 Mar 29 2011
Times Read: 757

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened..' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

**Snrk**
00:19 Mar 24 2011
Times Read: 769

Read in the Metro, dated the 22nd March 2011



I was once on a bus in Germany that was full of Goths singing, ‘The wheels on the bus’. How’s that for an odd sing-along’?

**Groans**
22:33 Mar 23 2011
Times Read: 770

Yesterday my wife Chris asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.



Chris suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.



I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.



Chris said "Are you nuts?



You're almost 64 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"



I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.



She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!



This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"



I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!



I signed up for five jumps a week!



Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

**Grins**
23:59 Mar 20 2011
Times Read: 781

8th Grade Final Exam:

Salina, KS - 1895



Grammar (Time, one hour)





1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.

2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications

3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph.

4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of 'lie,' 'play,' and 'run'.

5. Define case; illustrate each case.

6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.

7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.



Arithmetic (Time, 1 hour 15 minutes)





1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.

2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet Long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?

3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs. for tare?

4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?

5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.

6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 per cent per annum.

7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?

8... Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 per cent.

9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?

10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.



U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)





1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided

2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.

3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.

4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.

5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.

6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.

7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?

8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865.



Orthography (Time, one hour) [Do we even know what this is??]

1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, and syllabication?

2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?

3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, sub vocals, diphthong, cognate letters, and linguals?

4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.

5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.

6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.

7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.

8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.

9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.

10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.



Geography (Time, one hour)





1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?

2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?

3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?

4. Describe the mountains of North America

5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.

6. Name and locate the principal trade centres of the U.S. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.

8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?

9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.

10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

**Giggles**
16:45 Mar 20 2011
Times Read: 784

HONEYMOON....





A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.







They opened the champagne and began undressing.







When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.







"I had tolio as a child," he answered.





"You mean polio?" she asked.







"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."







When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked







"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"







"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.







"You mean measles?" she asked.



"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."



The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.



As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.



"Don't tell me," she said.



"Let me guess...

**Giggles**
16:06 Mar 18 2011
Times Read: 795




"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."



- Woody Allen

**Giggles**
00:45 Mar 12 2011
Times Read: 816

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'



He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'



At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a sandwich?'



He declines and says, 'The Viagra really trashes my desire for food.'



Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken ?'



He declines again .... 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.' . . . . .



'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

**Giggles**
00:55 Mar 11 2011
Times Read: 826

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada Hwy about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.







When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.







The Mountie told the driver he was just fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a speeding ticket.







The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.







The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.







The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.







While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.







A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly.







He then went over to the patrol car, pulled opened the rear door and then got in.







The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.







The drunk then replied to the Mountie.







You might as well take me to jail.







"Cause there's no f.....` way I can pass that test"

**Gigglefit**
23:34 Mar 09 2011
Times Read: 841

1. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.



2. I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.



3. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!



4. I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.



5. A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”



6. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.



7. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.



8. Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead.



9. I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."



10. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.



11. The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.



12. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.



13. On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

**Giggles**
23:49 Mar 08 2011
Times Read: 853

The other day, a gentleman went to a Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.



The Dentist takes out a freezing needle to give him a shot.



"No way"!



No needles!



"I hate needles", the man said.



The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.



"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!



The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.



"No objection", the man said.



"I'm fine with pills".



The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".



The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"!



"I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!



"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

**Grins**
16:07 Mar 06 2011
Times Read: 862

Free Health care?



If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport -



you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and; if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.ï

**Giggles**
23:17 Mar 02 2011
Times Read: 878

A man goes into Angus & Robertson's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant.





"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?







I can't remember the title.







She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."







The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."

**Giggles**
22:53 Mar 01 2011
Times Read: 881






While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I..s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.







Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan'







An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right?







Is the captain a woman?'





When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right?





Is the captain a woman?'





'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'



'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas.







I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'







'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'







'It's The Box Office.'