A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow!
That was the best Kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting.
You could be famous!
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
............................Oops - I'm outta here..!!!
Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'and tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.
The class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."
Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember — You're in this together — It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
Hello, is this the police?'
Yes it is.
How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report my neighbour, Rangi.
He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Rangi and leave.
The phone rings at Rangi's house.
'Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yeah.'
'Happy Birthday bro!'
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, and then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over!
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
A stark-naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant cab.
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.
He makes no attempt to start the car.
"What's wrong with you sunshine, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".
"Well if you’re not bloody staring at me matey, what are you doing then?"
"I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.
2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs
Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.
1957 - Ants die.
2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
A bloke went to the doctor.
He had a huge problem with farting and it was absolutely ruining his social life.
The doctor asked him into the surgery and the bloke went ahead and explained his predicament.
“The noise is bad enough, ‘he said, ‘but it’s the smell Doc.
My farts stink to high heaven.
I can’t go out for fear of not being able to control it.
I’m practically house-bound.
Stinks to high hell and it’s ruining my social life.”
The doctor listened, thought for a moment and said “Don’t worry.
It’ll just be a small internal problem.
I’ll be able to fix this up for you.”
Just then the bloke lets rip a humungous fart.
“Holy hell,” said the doctor forgetting his manners and fanning the air with his prescription pad.
“Full medals to you.
That has got to be the worst smelling fart that has ever hit these premises.
The worst I’ve ever encountered!”
The doctor is moving around his surgery fanning his note pad, gulping and trying not to reach to hold his nose and avoid engulfing the atrocious vapours.
He reaches the cupboard and takes out a very, very long bamboo pole.
The patient sits up in the chair, looks tentatively at the doctor and whispers, “Wh...wh..what are you planning to do with that doc?”
The doctor looks up and says “Well.... I’m going to try and open the skylight!”
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,
'Ain't dat grand,’ Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet,'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter; she is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f”” kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman.
"That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and
his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
"Same illness, better health fund.
COMMENTS
ROFL...
I really liked this one lol.
OH! my goodness...hehehe
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company - Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.
I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.
I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
-----------------------------------
Dear Mr Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.
The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann.
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
A Catholic Priest, a Hindu Guru, and a Taliban Mullah all served as religious advisers to the theological students at Harvard University.
They would get together two or three times a week for tea for discussions and strategies. One day, they agreed that preaching to people was not really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to animals, like a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the jungles of the world, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
A month later they all met to discuss their experience in the jungle.
The Catholic Priest had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first:
"Well," he says, "I went into the jungle to find a bear.
When I found one I began to read to him from the Holy Book.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began growl and slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, holy Mary Mother of Christ, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Pope is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
The Hindu Guru spoke next.
He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed:
"Vell, brothers, I vent out the jungle of India.
As you know vee don't sprinkle vater.
I vent out and I found a bear.
And then I began to read to the bear from our Hindu Holy Book.
But that bear vanted nothing to do vith me.
So I took hold of him and vee began to wrestle.
Vee wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until vee came to the River Ganges.
So I quickly dunked him and his hairy soul in the vater.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
Vee spent the rest of the day praising Lord Shiva."
The Priest and the Guru both looked down at the Taliban Mullah, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with monitors and IV's running in and out of him.
He was in really bad shape.
The Mullah looked up and said:
"Looking back on it, I don't think it was a very good idea to start by first circumcising the bear ...."
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's A 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, 'I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.’
But the blonde keeps on screaming, 'I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home Because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'
And she hands the ticket to the Manager and HE reads...
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS! I PROMISE!)
'W I N A B A G E L'
COMMENTS
LOL that is just to funny
Oh god lol
Nice :P
Blonde Cookbook
Monday
It's fun to cook for Tom.
Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.......
Wednesday
A good day for rice.
The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.
I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden...
Friday
I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday.
I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Sunday
Tom's folks came to dinner.
I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week!
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom.
If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom...
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the
water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't
you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: ''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old''.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''chew the fat''.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell
''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''
And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said history was boring ! ! !
tried makin it like the eskimo's do once.
I ended up with sniffle - iffus.
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
COMMENTS
-
DestroyingAngel
23:29 Jan 31 2011
AH HA! lol....
I like this :P