ICK21:49 Sep 20 2005
Times Read: 774
For the most part, I always claim my son. Other times, I tell Jason that Alex is HIS son.
This is one of these times:
Last night I was playing cards and I hear Alex tell Melissa (his sister, my daughter heh) that his finger smells like....... I didn't hear what he said.
I called out to him, " Alex, what does your finger smell like?"
His reply was, " I can't tell you Mommy, you will get mad at me!"
So I repeated my question and got that same response from him.
I called out to Melissa, " Melissa! What does Alex's finger smell like?"
She said, " Poopies!"
WTF?????????????
I asked Alex why the heck his finger smelled like poop. If you ask a stupid question, you shall get a stupid answer: "Because I stuck my finger in my butt Mommy!"
AAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!
I told him to go wash his hands. When he got out of the bathroom I asked him if he washed his hands with soap and water. He said no! I asked him why not? Well, he washed his finger, not the rest of his hands. OH LORD!! And then he puts his finger to my nose so I will definitely know that his icky finger had been washed.
Of course I then had to explain why it is a nasty thing to put your finger in your butt.
GEEZE!
So, on this one....Jason, that is YOUR SON!!!!
Directly From England.................. =)
15:53 Sep 18 2005
Times Read: 786
Notice of Revocation of Independence.
By the Honourable John Cleese - formerly of Monty Python fame and now political genius.
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed. "There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football where your hands cannot be used. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by the end of 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of the Americas. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German and Japanese cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/USgallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or the#@!@$%s. The fact that you need so many lawyers and the#@!@$%s shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a the#@!@$% then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
17. Last but not the least, and for Heaven's sake...it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Someone please inform the smiling gnome currently impersonating in the role of president
Thank you for your co-operation and have a nice day.
John Cleese
And Now This.....02:00 Sep 12 2005
Times Read: 800
*WARNING* The following entry contains alot of whining. Sue me.
Oh Joy... I am being recalled back to the base in New Orleans. I have less than 2 weeks and I'm lucky to have that much.
I am not allowed to bring my car. I am not allowed to bring my children. The answer I received from my chief regarding my question, When will I be able to have my family again was this: January at the very earliest.
I will have to live on base. I do not even know if I will be able to see my house.
I got a call from one of my subordinates tonight and she told me that there are tents EVERYWHERE. There are people sleeping in the galley and in the gym.
I will be damned if I am sleeping in the gym. LOL
She also told me that they said it is now safe to drink the water. hmmmmmm The entire area is filled with toxic water but for some reason, it is ok on the base. Yeahhhhhhhhh right and I'm a virgin. So tell me, if the water is unsafe to drink, how the hell am I supposed to shower in it? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
I think I'm going to throw myself a pity party. BYOB!
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Oh yeah...............................
And to add insult to injury, I will be missing my son's 5th birthday by 5 days. I will not be there for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chrismas, New Years. Nada. I have had to be away from my daughter before and that was horrible. I have never had to be away from my son. (Not more than a couple of weeks because he was with his father)
The response I received from my son was for him to cry and repeat over and over again..........." Mommy don't leave me. Mommy you can't leave me." When I told him I didn't have a choice he said to me that I did have one. "You have a choice Mommy. You can come down to Florida with me and Melissa or you can go back to Louisiana." Like I would ever choose to leave my children. *sigh*
I am going to miss them horribly.
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