Expectations and lack of peace10:11 Jun 02 2008
Times Read: 1,201
I need to get out of this state of burnout it.
I need to get my feelings straight and identify what's bothering me.
I can't stay like this, risking Ryan's environment to be loaded with negative emotions, always bickering with Yendor, depressing myself and never find peace within the chaos.
I feel like Yendor expects me to do everything without realizing the hard work it takes.
God knows I wish I was the one to leave the house for work every day, expecting to come home to a happy baby, a clean house and food on the table.
I hate comments like "It doesn't take much effort to clean the floor", try saying that when you have a million other things to do, when you can barely walk out of exhaustion, when your baby whines for no reason, when you can't remember the last time you just sat down quietly without a worry and looked your baby into the eyes, when you're feeling stressed out about the laundry that is rotting in the washing machine...
He thinks he's helping out, I can't remember the last time he did the dishes.
He thinks he's the hard working one, having to go to work and not get to be at home relaxing and being with the baby (but oh, I forgot, the baby tires him after 5 minutes)
Not that I get much time with the baby either, there's always something I have to do, I rarely get time to just sit down and play with him and it stresses me out emotionally. I worry that I am not paying enough attention to him, not responding to his needs fast enough, failing to learn how to read the signals he tries to communicate to me, that we don't get enough time to bond, that he'll grow up feeling like he didn't get enough love and affection, that he's missing something - be it love, attention, playtime, whatever. I worry constantly and it's wearing me out.
When I do say fuck it and decide to just sit down and have some quality time with my son for once, let the clothes on the floor be, let the dishes wait, let the floor stay dirty, for the only reason that I want to stop being a tireless machine and for once be a mother, I get yelled at, complained at, told that I never do anything.
Get it? Then he says Ryan is number 1 priority, if he needs a bath - give him a bath, but do you fucking realize he needs my attention constantly, for baths, naps, feeds, playing time!? and that it takes MUCH time?? do you realize every single cup I wash steals precious quality time from me and our son???
Maybe you don't feel the same need I do, but I am desperate to be with Ryan ALL the time and I feel guilty every time I need to do something... which is ALL the time, which means I walk around every day in a never ending circle of guilt.
Well, realize that I value my every minute with Ryan, that it is not him I need a break from, it's all my other responsibilities.
REALIZE THAT I NEED YOU TO CLEAN UP TOO!!!
And he keeps suggesting that we get a maid, A MAID!?
That would humiliate me, hurt my pride and dignity and mean that HE wouldn't be burdened with the fact that he needs to help me out.
Yeah, I think I just discovered my underlying anger towards Yendor.
Yendor is not the one who's away from home, family and friends. I feel incredibly lonely, he's either at work or busy getting his alone time, when do we ever spend quality time together? I have no friends to meet, his parents aren't exactly the ideal company.
I'm sick of getting "friendly advice" on how to parent Ryan. I don't want to hear that I'm spoiling him, carrying him too much, need to let him sleep alone, give him more solids, e.t.c. Shut the fuck up already. if I need advice I'll ask for it.
I am not doing anything I used to.
I don't even have time to take a relaxing shower.
I can't even sit in peace for three minutes and just breathe.
I am not nurturing myself.
I get a restful night's sleep once a month, when Ryan decides to sleep without waking up or whatever, I never get to sleep as much as I'd need to.
I don't know who I am anymore, I have no time to work on myself, and all this depresses me.
I need support, I need love, I need time. I am giving so much of myself and not getting enough back.
I am wearing myself out trying to be the perfect mom, I know that I'm not and that stresses me and worries me as well.
I want to stop complaining.
I want to stop crying.
I want to stop yelling.
I want Ryan to have a peaceful environment but if these stress factors don't go away, he'll grow up feeling everything but serene.
Is anyone hearing my cry for help?
I only want the best for my son and I am failing in giving it to him.
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