The sun is peeking through at last...00:03 Feb 05 2009
Times Read: 817
I feel changed,
I know that things are going to get better now, there is an end to this. I just need to endure and try to take life day by day.
I will get past this and our lives will be better, happier. Most of all we won't be struggling to survive anymore, an opportunity will come around and we'll make the money we need to give Ryan everything he deserves.
Law of attraction, yes, I'm going to stay positive.
I don't know what happened or when but suddenly I feel like a different person... I feel so much stronger and I have faith in myself. I think it was the phrase "You have the power to change your life" which opened my eyes.
For the past few days I've been putting cleaning aside for a change and taken those 20 minutes after Ryan falls to sleep to do some pilates. I can't describe how amazing and refreshing it feels. Combined with my change of diet I feel incredibly alert, energetic, content and positive again. I'm afraid I'm getting addicted to this... Weight loss is not my ultimate goal, although I have a couple of pounds to shed, I want to feel better... and I do. This time really feels different, I'm so determined I even surprise myself.
I also decided to wait with sending Ryan to kindergarten, I want to nurture his independence, play with other children and give him the chance to bond with other people, but leaving him with strangers feels wrong. I don't think neither of us are ready to be away from each other. I just feel like it was the wrong approach to this, leaving him there crying and expect him to settle down and get used to it... it contradicts my parenting style. If I could stay with him there for the first few weeks until he gets used to the surroundings and assure him that it's OK, things would be different... but they made it clear from the first day that having parents around is not a preferable option due to the chaos it causes among the children... Judging from the activities they were doing I think I can give Ryan the same at home. Another factor which changed my mind was that I knew he'd never settle down in this manner, persistent as he is he would just keep crying and protesting. I want to take him to activities and playgroups, but I want to do it together. Besides... those 2 hours I had without him honestly didn't allow me to get much more done than I do with him around... He's becoming so independent now that I can easily clean while he runs around playing. Not to forget how much I missed him, God did I miss my baby... I don't know how some mothers do it, working full time...
More importantly, Ryan is so happy nowadays.. he doesn't fuss nearly as much as he used to and we communicate and understand each other so well. I've gone from wishing nap time would be longer to missing him when he goes to sleep. I wish the days were longer so we could spend more time together. I love playing with him in the park and reading books with him... He is such a wonderful boy.
I am still living on this god forsaken island, I still have way too little money and I'm still feeling lonely and missing my family and home... but thinks are starting to ease up, I can see a future beyond this one. We will move to Sweden one way or another, it will just require some time, patience and saving up.
Now I'm going to watch "Heroes" before I go to sleep... I've been up for 16 hours and am still feeling so full of energy I could go and clean the whole house.
This feels so damn good.
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