20:42 Dec 29 2008
Times Read: 714
Ryan has added another word to his vocabulary! Whenever he sees a cat now he goes "miaaaaa"... he's still trying to get the hang of that "oooow" though, lol.
He goes around all day long saying "mummy, daddy, baby, puppy, tittie, miaaaa!"
One of his favorite books has a picture of a baby, whenever he wants me to read it he brings it to me and says "baby!" Adorable little munchkin.
I love that about him, his love for books... He knows where his little bookshelf is and he toddles over to it several times a day and demands me to read him a story... when he's finished with one, he picks another and we can sit like that forever... I am so eager for him to grow up and actually start listening to the story and not just turn the pages..
I'm so proud of him, every stranger I meet says that he is so adorable, happy and intelligent. :) Sure I think about how life would be without him, better or not... but I can't regret having this wonderful boy, no matter how exhausted I get.
Anyway..I can't believe he's on his way to really talk now... It's just so wow.
He went to sleep at 8 PM tonight, almost two hours ago now... I was so tired I could have just fallen asleep with him but I forced myself out of bed and into the shower, at least that woke me up... I had some cleaning to do.
Now though, I'm just going to do some reading.
Tomorrow's another day to take care of Ryan... I need to gather my energy, sigh.
I'm gonna bug Yendor to upload the pictures when he gets home from work, I have no idea where the damn cable is.
Ok, that's all for now.
14:56 Dec 26 2008
Times Read: 744
I am now thanks to Yendor a PROUD owner of Britney Spear's "Circus"!!! :D
Unfortunately not the CD/DVD with the unofficial tracks which I love... but still! :P
It's Britney ♥
Sad thing is, this is the first real CD I own apart from Alter Bridge's "Blackbird" since I came to Malta... All my "old" CD's are back home somewhere in a cardboard box... I couldn't bring them all with me. I miss them.
Anyway, like I said, I only need one good present to make me happy... :P
(OK, then I ordered the collector's edition of "Twilight" for myself because I thought I wasn't getting any presents... O:)
And although Ryan didn't really understand the whole opening presents under the Christmas tree thing... He was happy for what he got, three books and a toy with a steering wheel and some other stuff on it...
:)
Ryan has by the way been MUCH easier to handle the past few days... Less fussy by far and I haven't really changed anything apart from my own attitude... I'm guessing he feels the positive vibes from me.
Yesterday evening I took him to the park and he spent an hour just running all over it! Then he wanted to swing as well... He loves it...
His separation anxiety seems to have kicked in again though, he refuses to let go of me at times, gets clingy and cries if I attempt to leave him with Yendor... *sigh*
What's worse is I just can't get his sleeping hours in order. It keeps changing from day to day and it drives me crazy! Yesterday he woke up at 8 AM, slept again at 2 PM to 5 PM and then at 11 PM. He woke up at 10 AM today, fell asleep just now at 3 PM... I'm gonna have to wake him up at 5 at the latest or he won't go to sleep until midnight. Why can't he just sleep from 7 PM to 6 AM like "normal" kids seem to do?? Gah!
I've done some cleaning, only enough to keep things decent... I need some rest now or I won't cope with the other half of the day.
I'll upload all the pictures when I can...
Take care :)
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...22:48 Dec 24 2008
Times Read: 756
Merry Christmas everyone!!!
It's Christmas Eve and I'm in a glorious mood, I am seriously wondering what happened to me? I don't know where this sudden change came from and why but it's very welcome. I've never had such a desire or so much energy to really be and play with Ryan before.
Right now I'm in bed with my two sleeping boys, the kitchen is clean, Ryan's presents are waiting under the tree and as I'm not tired I'm going to pend some time all by myself and watch a Christmas movie.
I am really looking forward to 2009 as I know many good things are waiting to happen.
Oh, and I am incredibly impressed with myself and happy for having managed to prepare our Christmas dinner this evening! I love Polish traditions and have been raised by them, so I attempted to cook some of the traditional Polish plates we eat at Christmas... for the first time in my life, thank God my mom is a walking recipe book. There are many kinds of dishes and I did what I could with the food supply here... There's not really a Polish supermarket around here...perhaps I should open one? :P
Anyway... I cooked barszc, pierogi, bigos, a fish plate and a traditional Polish veggie salad. Yendor loved it and putting the low carb thing aside for today I ate some of it as well... and I swear it tasted as good as my mothers! :D
I hope you're all having a wonderful Christmas!!
Btw, I'll post a few pictures tomorrow. :)
What Christmas?06:19 Dec 24 2008
Times Read: 767
Every time I pick myself up, something seems to push me back again.
I remember now how it feels to be content with life and I want to feel that way every day for the rest of my life. I want happy butterflies, not anxiety and hopelessness holding me by the neck.
At least... I know I can get there now. It's just that the smallest setback is like a huge blow to me, I get right back the negative side of life.
Yesterday I was feeling great, I knew life and Christmas were far from how I wished them to be, but instead of feeling down about it... I looked at it positively, knowing that my life is just beginning and everything can't be perfect right now... but it doesn't mean it won't be.
Then... 2 things happend, Yendor informed me that our economy is way down (implying that I spend too much, HAA HAA HAA! I don't even spend money on myself) and he didn't go Christmas shopping with me like he promised... I got angry and went out with Ryan myself which, of course, was a mistake because it's impossible to get any shopping done with him these days, at least with only one adult around. To cut to the case, he refused to sit down in the trolley at the supermarket and insisted on walking around, with me holding bags in the other... I had to go back home. Yendor ended up having to go alone wit a huge shopping list, at least he managed to get most stuff...
Since then I've been in a hideous mood and everything is black to me. I keep remembering last Christmas, how I wished this one to be different... Well, dreams don't always come true, do they?
Last Christmas I had a little baby who stressed me out, I had a fight with my mother, I had a stiff Christmas Eve at my father's who constantly implied that Yendor was using drugs, Yendor had a migraine and missed most of the evening, the food sucked, I missed Donald Duck, I did no Christmas baking... but you know what, at least then I had a little spirit in me, this year I have zero.
To begin with I am miles away from my family, Ihave a toddler who stresses me out, there's no snow, no Christmas food AT ALL, no baking, no santa suit for Ryan, no Christmas presents, a fake little pathetic Christmas tree.and Yedor is working.. I miss spending Christmas at my mom's, no matter what she always kept the spirit at top. I envy everyone in the world who is celebrating a real Christmas... I feel bad mostly for Ryan, even though he won't remember it... I still wanted to make this special for him and I can't.
So yeah... Merry Christmas and may something please get me back to that happy mood again.
Times like these call for whiskey
05:22 Dec 22 2008
Times Read: 775
Since I was "enlightened" and decided that change was necessary - I've been in a better mood than ever since the birth of Ryan.
That was... until I realized, I'll never get a break from Ryan. Never unless I go to Sweden and let my mom take care of this demanding toddler.
How can I not feel stressed out about not having time to do anything, when I have to (and mostly want to) spend every waking hour of every day with the boy?
It's been like this for a year now and it doesn't seem to be improving. I have no one to take Ryan in my place, no, NO ONE. I am the only one he is attached to in that way.
And I honestly feel like I can't be blamed for this anymore. Sure, maybe I was a bit all over him and unwilling to let someone else take care of him (not that there was anyone but Yendor...) but I've let go of that several times, in the past and now. The opportunities are there and someone never takes them.
You know, in normal situations mothers get help, that's how they cope. I get barely any help, and the one I get counts for 15 minutes here and there with Ryan present and me hearing him calling for me, yeah, that's relaxing. Is is really a surprise then that I suffered or suffer from postpartum depression? That I'm constantly stressed out? That I lose my patience more than I would like to?
For God's sake.
I swear, the only time I get alone i when Ryan is sleeping and even then I need to be in his presence most of the time.... because yet again, I'm the one he's used to being put to bed by. Most nights he goes to sleep late, at a time when I'm too tired even to force myself to stay up to do something other than child caring... Because I need the energy for the next day. I'm lucky if I get 2 hours... And these 2 hours aren't relaxing either because I stress about getting as much as possible done during this time. Where is the time for me to study or work?
I'm praying that my diet change will give me more energy... It would help if I could adjust to 6 hours of sleep instead of 8-9 like I normally need... But during the day I'll from now on need at least 2 hours to dedicate to my work.
I don't want to send Ryan to kindergarten. We can't afford it first of all, second of all he's still to young and thirdly I have a trust issue. Although I envy people who have children who seem to love it... At least there, Ryan would have constant activities and fun... Something I'm struggling with on a daily basis to provide him with, in between the stress of cleaning, cooking, shopping, feeding, changing... I'm constantly afraid he's not getting enough playtime. Although I do my best to give him enough quality time with me.
At least, he's becoming an expert at helping me with washing the clothes. He puts them in, closes the machine door, opens the box where you put in the washing liquid and closes it again when I ask him to... Then he presses the start button for me... And then he stands watching the washing machine, shouting and dancing to it... until it's time to open it again and take the clothes out, which he does as well... And he loves it, he wants to wash all the time. :P
It's a shame he can't help me study.
Honestly, how do single mothers do this? Oh wait... Most of them probably have someone to help them out. Friends, parents... Both of which I'm lacking here. One reason why I'm trying to get to work is because the more money we have, the faster we can get to Sweden.
It's not healthy for Ryan either, only being that attached to me. When he cries he only looks to me for comfort, if someone else attempts to comfort him his crying only escalates... Even when this someone is his own father. Now, how messed up is that?
You know, that's one of the main reasons I want back to Sweden. I lack company and help.
I was looking forward to Christmas but... I miss my mom and sister to share it with. There's been no Christmas baking this year, I usually do it with my sister... And I haven't really had time.... The plastic little Christmas tree looks pathetic because I haven't had time to decorate it nicely. I probably won't have time to cook anything special either, I was planning on cooking some traditional polish dishes.... but just like with Ryan's cake, it will probably run out in the sand. As greedy as it may sound I am also feeling a bit... sad... about the fact that I won't be getting any Christmas presents. It's not about the presents but the feeling of having some which are for YOU under that tree... Yendor comes from a family where presents giving seems to be out of the normal so... Ryan will be the only one getting presents this year, hell, we haven't even had time to go and get them for him yet.
I went out once trying to find a present for Yendor... just for the sake of it... but of course with Ryan around it's impossible nowadays. Understandably, he only wants to walk around and explore... I end up running after him all over the store instead of actually looking at the things in it. Then I feel bad about taking him out shopping too much because he needs more than that now, he's not satisfied in mommy's arms just looking around anymore... He gets bored and wants stimulation. The only stores that work for him are the toy and the bookstore.
I don't even have anything to wear for Christmas. Wait, I barely have anything to wear as it is. Oh wait again, I don't have the time or the money to buy anything to wear. Not to mention that shopping in Malta sucks fat ass.
I'm losing my mind trying to keep my life together here... No matter how much I try I'm never fully happy. Ryan makes me happy of course but there's always something missing... Sigh.
Another thing which bothers me is that Ryan is too much exposed to the PC and the TV, something which doesn't seem to bother Yendor (in fact he stands for the most PC/TV time) because after all, he grew up with it and he turned out fine... Yeah, except for the fact that he can't live without those two. Most of the time I feel bad about "disturbing" him because he's in the middle of something which has to do with the PC or the TV... Just because his mother was too busy to play with him and sat him in from of the TV all the time doesn't mean I want to do the same with Ryan. I don't want him to grow up nagging about getting PC and TV time, and me failing to connect with him. I want him to grow up preferring going to the park with me rather than watching cartoons, is that so wrong?
It's 6 AM now, Ryan woke me up for a milk feed an hour ago and I can't fall back asleep... So I've decided to stay up, he should wake up around 8 anyways... I'll probably regret this decision later on though when I realize I'm going to have to stay up until 11 PM. Dammit.
Ryan's vocabulary01:54 Dec 20 2008
Times Read: 782
Ryan is still mostly going around babbling in baby language... But he is beginning to form a few "real" words... Although I am not sure if he always associates them with the right thing, it's a start :P
His first word was "Mummy" and I'm quite sure he knows that one applies to me...
Then he just began saying:
Daddy
Baby
Puppy
And, surprise surprise, Tittie! :P
Well, and then he says Nam-Nam whenever I mention food.
He understands so much now, if I tell him it's time to eat, he runs to the kitchen, if it's bath time he knows where the bathtub is... if I say washing clothes, he toddles away to the washing mashine... So cute.
He's not really willing to listen to the word "no" though... I try to limit it but when I do say it he might stop for a second to look at me, then he does it again... and again... and again... no matter how many times I repeat myself. Guess I can blame it on his temporary short term memory.
I've always worried about Ryan not doing this and that like other babies might be doing... but I've learned to let it go and just let him develop at his own pace. There's no need to rush him now is there?
And he still loves reading books... Tonight he went crazy when he saw bananas and tomatoes in a book, his favorite snack, lol.
I should be sleeping, but Ryan woke me up for a milk feed... Little boy still eats a bit irregularly, I'm hoping that will change as he grows older though. I'm not feeling tired though, I fell asleep with him at 10.30 PM...
Then I'm guessing it has to do with my change of diets. I said yesterday that I'm through with hating myself, well the first step I'm taking is to start treating my body well again like I used to... I want to be a healthy mommy again. I really lost my track the past 2 months so... I have some weight to lose now, which is good cause it gives me a goal and motivation. God knows I feel MUCH better eating low carb... Even though my body is taking the adjustment a bit roughly, this morning I was feeling really dizzy and nauseous but it passed...
Ryan won't sleep without me forever though so I better hurry up and do what I came here to do. I don't feel confident enough to talk about it yet but... I'm basically trying to earn some money here. We can't survive on Yendor's pay for much longer, Malta has shitty pays, that's one thing I've learned... And one good reason why we should move to Sweden. I got my parental money... Which I'm not sure if I'll still be getting but I think you get it for like 18 months? Anyways... Unless I start working our economical future is too unstable. I am not really asking for wealth here, I just want to have a decent income so that I don't have to think twice about buying Ryan or myself what we need.
I've learned though, if I think positively enough about it and believe in myself things will go the way I want them to.
The main problem is still here though... Since I'm a full time mother here I don't really get much time to do anything other than take care of Ryan and clean during the days... So here I am doing some work in the middle of the night.
Oh well... Anything for my baby. As it is know we can't afford having a second baby which I'm dying to have so...That should be motivation enough to keep me going, right? :P
Yeah... A new, better life has seen it's dawn. I'm on a roll, yep yep I am.
22:28 Dec 18 2008
Times Read: 795
I finally seem to have reached an important crossroad in my life, something which I have been waiting for years to happen.
I have gathered enough strength and courage to fight against the greatest threat to my life... I realized just now that I am ready for this challenge.
This time, I'm really done wallowing in self pity and self hatred. I've had enough of trashing and constantly kicking myself to the ground. I'm through with criticizing everything I do or say, most of all my appearance.
I'm tired of complaining and letting myself sink into misery, I'm sick of giving up on life and myself. Most of all I've had enough of those voices talking me into hating myself.
I am a strong, independent woman.
I can do and will do everything I wish.
I have the power to make my dreams come true.
So, out with the old and in with the new. I am going to stop letting insecurity get to me and change course. I will walk down the road which will make me into the amazing woman I know that I can be.
And now... I'm too tired to continue. I hate being tired, I want to read! Gah, there's never time for anything anymore, is there?
All about TV Series20:54 Dec 17 2008
Times Read: 816
I hate to say this but the finale of the third volume of "Heroes" was disappointing. It was good in some ways, in others just plain boring. Although the trailer for "Fugitives" was intriguing it seems to be telling an old story, I mean, hello X men??
I was hoping for more.
It didn't leave me dying for the next episode like it should, instead I'll feel like I'll be watching season 4 only because I'm already into the series.
Nothing beats season 1, though apparently the writers seem to be having a hard time reaching that level of standard now...
Oh well, good things never last, do they?
It's like with "Lost"... Things were good until they went and killed Charlie, ha ha. No but seriously, I still love the show and am anticipating the next season... although it doesn't hold my interests as much anymore, especially since my favorite characters are gone.
Hmm... There's still "Gossip Girl" and "Grey's anatomy" though. :P
Any other good series I'm missing out on? I watched one episode of "Supernatural" but it didn't really catch my interest...
I miss Buffy... And Spike.
Yummy!
11:32 Dec 09 2008
Times Read: 879
Last night I dreamed about my gum's bleeding and my teeth falling off.
Apparently this indicates my lack of vitality, self confidence and loss of faith in myself. It also represents exhaustion.
Well... That couldn't be more accurate.
Odd thing is I fell asleep really deeply and dreamed yesterday during Ryan's nap, I never fall asleep so... hard.
I am feeling exhausted and drained, I really am.
Although things with Ryan are getting better, I am learning to handle him better. I realized my mistake was that I was so... caught up in my exhaustion that I didn't find time to play with him. So... I play with him and pay more attention to him now, so is Yendor for that matter, and he is so much happier.
I take him out for walks every day, only now he is walking instead of being held... It feels strange, I miss holding him, I miss him being a baby but at the same time I'm happy watching him grow.
I have a dilemma though.
I've been and still am a bit... skeptic about sending young toddlers to kindergarden. I barely trusy family with my boy, how can I trust strangers? Not only that, I love spending time with him... And I hate being away from him... It makes me feel empty.
Fact is though... There is absolutely no time for me to do anything but care for him. Every day it's all about being with him and as much as I love it I am not sure how healthy it is for me in the end... I never get time off to do things like, oh, let's say... studying. Or working. I want to do something other than being a mom. I can't get anything done during his naps, they are too short first of all and second I need that time to clean as much as I can and as fast as I can. He usually doesn't go to sleep at night before 10 or even 11 PM and by that time I can't keep my eyes open.
So... I really don't know where to go from here.
Diary of a lost girl14:04 Dec 01 2008
Times Read: 966
I have a problem with moving on.
Preferably I would stop time and not move forward until I felt ready for the next phase of my life, which would probably be never.
My sister is taking over my room at my mom's so all my stuff was packed into cardboard boxes and thrown away into the basement without a very hopeful future. All my music,literature, those little things that were me are at the beginning of the rotting phase.
Here I am, in another country, renting an apartment which is far from mine, with no stuff that is mine. A few books here and there as an attempt to cover up the hollowness. I know this is it, I am supposed to build up a whole new life here, start from scratch. The problem is I keep finding myself unable to do so. I just can't call this home.
I am far, far from being an adult. I am pretending to be one, cause the truth is I am still a little girl who wants nothing more than to curl up in her familiar, cozy bed and have mommy always near. I am 21 years old and nowhere near ready to leave my nest... Yet I made a decision which literally pushed me out in a hurry. I feel like I am a baby trying to raise a baby clueless of how to do so.
I have never been a driven, confident or an independent person... I kind of wish I was different for the sake of my son. I love him but I was not ready for him at all... Though the big question is, would I ever have been?
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