The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I know my place
always the rock, steady and still
something to hold on to, amidst the chaos
and so many different hands take hold

Each time someone lets go
they take a piece
to keep them safe
in case the tide swells again
(as it's wont to do)

I give willingly
and become more and more eroded over time
until just a jagged cusp is left
pointing to a sky of wonder and doubt

I let the rain fall upon me
cleansing, as it washes bits away
I let the wind whip around me
refreshing, yet taking with it just a little more

but I'm still here,
holding my ground, raising my spire
where upon those looking for higher ground
may find refuge

during the day I'm but a fixture of the background
blending into this ever decaying waste land
as the evening takes hold
you can find me alone (finally)

one of earth's many protruding fingers
I reach toward the darkness
in a place with no eyes
and mouths that dare not speak

searching for the light of a star
long dead by the time it reaches me
and I find solace in the quiet
in the death of a heavenly being

then sun gives rise yet again
shadows strive to save the night
always falling, always failing
I lock them up inside

hiding them in the idea of reality
in the motion of the act
in the conception of creation
and the emotion of response

safely in the desire of the spasm
in the potency of existence
and in the essence of descent
gathered and hidden

silently I whimper, waiting for the end

wisdom
she only loves a warrior
well let me then
be wisdom's warrior
let me be loved by her
rather than lusted by him
always some madness in love
and method in madness
doesn't your God dance?
or with heavy eyes
do you gaze at gravity's ground
as you trip upon all things
serious, profound and solemn
soon you will fall
you search for freedom 'from'
I embrace freedom 'for'
I hold my little truths close to me
my children were they let out
would scream
so I hold their mouths closed
and I say to you
      - get your own
but be weary and vigilant
that once you make them yours
you don't forget to hold their mouths
lest you lose your own

eat my disease
like a maggot in my brain
white on black on rotten
thousands of tiny movements
on what is otherwise dead
turn the music up
let the cacophony
rip the meat
rip the mind
rip the heart
right out of my chest
so that I can dance
on what you left
I trip on that hole
in my paper heart
oh so big
how did I miss it?

tastes spoiled yet sweet
as I devour my self
shove it in
suck it dry
leave the shell
for one more try
masticating memories
chewing on the pain
and I don't feel a thing
as I make it all go away

and down I went
and down I stayed
but there was always that taste
in the back of my mind
in the back of my throat
teasing me
taunting me
threatening me

I ignored it but it did not ignore me
and all control and restraint is lost
and I force me to set me free
as I choke up the jagged left overs
cutting up my insides
I can't keep them down any longer
and they spew forth
a million different pieces of me
floating in a pool
of spit and blood and vomit at my feet
I knew I wouldn't be able
to keep swallowing them down
sooner or later they would come up
sooner or later I would force my self out

here I am


in all my twisted and grotesque glory
marred and mangled
chewed and tangled
all my own doing
I did this to me
and it is beauty only I can see

what's a girl to do
but pick up the pieces of herself
and choke them down
one more time
they always go down easier
with a bit of salt on the wounds
and wine on the lips
reminds me why I did it
get a little taste of the pain
makes it easier
to make it all go away - again

better than looking at the mess I am
better than letting the world see
I'll be better, It will all be better
when I can shove me back inside of me
just give me time and you will see
you will forget you ever saw the real me

and you say you love me . . .

Sometimes I just want the drama,
the hurt,
the pain,
the ecstasy of the fall
something down right glorious about it all
screw me over
fuck me up
tie me to the bed post
force yourself in
get your pleasure out
just don't look into my eyes
let me feed on the feeling
roll it around on my tongue
bitter, rancid, salty
much to my liking
as it burns the back of my throat when I swallow
and turns in my stomach and the back of my mind

I Know I am broken
(what a cliche)
too many pieces of me
too many sides
to be whole
and you know what I do
with each and every one of them
I tape them up
glue them together
spit clean
and pray no one can see the cracks
that no one discovers
those slight imperfections in my facade
that they just take this shinny exterior
as the only one there is and love it
cherish it even
I am a damn fine actress
when I can make you believe you know me
let you think you want me
love me

I let the situation and the world
mold me into what they think I should be
hoping that once, just once I will like it
and leave the rest behind
But, it just never tastes quite right
a bit dull, a bit dry, like uncooked oatmeal
and as the mastication begins
it thickens and starts to stick
spit it out or gag
I can't force you to swallow
if I can't even choke it down
can I?

So, I always end up back here
with a pile of pieces at my feet
after my world comes crashing down
I am the culprit
I am the victim
obsessive compulsiveness is only one of my flaws
goes well with self destruction - why should I let you break me
when I can do a better job my self?
the weak spots are all too familiar
you'd see them if you'd only look
but you only see this body
and you only know the pleasure it brings
so you leave it up to me

I like this game all too much
Trying again to place the pieces
but the fucking puzzle always changes
and some pieces just don't seem to fit anymore
(as if they did before)
Lets see - the bruises - where should I hide those?
What about torture?
Just where do you put the piece that says rape?
How about incest?
They don't fit into the Normal Rockwell
on the table at Thanksgiving now do they?

Oh yeah - this was about you wasn't it
I am selfish and greedy can't you see
because I have made it mine
and mine is better isn't it?
Only because you love me
or is it just that I get you off
you love that hard on don't you?
and that place between my thighs?
and my tongue as it parts your lips?
pulling me down by my hair
as you force your weight on top
ripping at my clothes
until you can see
until you can feel
until you can fit
finger impressions on my wrists
from where you held me down tight
as you shoved it in
you wanted me to scream
"In agony or ecstasy?" I asked . . .

You fear me now
yet you lust for me
because you know it's my imperfections
that make me the best you ever had
and you thought this was about you . . .

prescription
swallow it
can you taste it
the desperation distrust deceit
declining the interview today
let it pass you by
why should you care
and to play that melody
again again again
all in your head
melancholy madness
its sticky sweet
tempting
soft at first touch
but it will never let you go
and you don't want it to
delicious as it passes
over your lips
ecstasy in the soft folds
between her thighs
you let it blind you
but you don't care
for the world through your minds eye
is a much prettier place anyway
and you can feel it inside
deep down
as if you swallowed something too big
something holy
and it drives you mad
as you want it
again again again
inside that most unholy place
disgracing never felt so good
and you enjoy it
the pounding
the beating
the heaving
and you give it
again again again
you force it
because if it hurts it has to be good
you love the pain
holding it in
stuffing it down
you don't want to let go
not yet, not ever
white hot darkness envelopes you
you've been here before
to young to remember
as you force your way
into the world
again again again
it erupts inside
pushing out
as you stab it
it wants to be free
you want to let it pour
to cleanse you
let the fire burn
crucify it
hold it high
make it holy
and all is well
play that melody
again again again
melancholy madness

what I'm I supposed to do
she won't go away
silence is a lonely mistress
no one wants her to stay
break her with a whisper
an uttered word causes her to flee
but no sound escapes my lips
and she cannot hear my plea

to never hear and never tell
to never speak - must be hell
she keeps it all tucked deep inside
I watch as she quietly cries
a lover of lonely misfits
silence is a lonely mistress

louder than any sound
deafening to my ears
as I fall to the ground
I find my self in tears
she mocks me with her lustful smile
I can't even hear me cry
find my self in a hush of denial
I just want this silence to die

to never hear and never tell
to never speak - this is hell
she keeps me silent deep inside
she watches as I quietly cry
she loves me - a lonely misfit
silence is a lonely mistress

I welcome her quiet kisses
as she softly touches my thigh
feel it rising as I rapture in her deep caresses
knowing in this silence I can no longer hide
and before I knew it
a scream escaped my lips
and with that she was gone
to my silent lonely mistress
I dedicate this - song

details of our tryst I'll never tell
her secrets I will never sell
she keeps me silent deep inside
wish she'd hold me as I cry
she loves me - a lonely misfit
silence is a lonely mistress

she loves me
she loves me
she loves me

silence - is my mistress

you can smell it
in the air
that sweet scent
heavy
damp
alluring
feel the weight
of the world
as the sky closes in
surrounds you
in a gray blanket
it's the anticipation
of what's to come
exciting
electrifying
as it strikes
in the distance
and the hair
on your arms
stands on end
then to hear
the slow
building rumble
as it cracks
and breaks free
watch the clouds
as they begin to
race over head
the gusts
getting stronger
but your
determined
to stay
to wait
to watch
nature in all her glory
and truly enjoy it
as she makes you wet

Screams
Glass breaking
I look down

Piercing
Cracking
dead of night

Waking
falling
the street beckons below

Night air cold and crisp
Step outside the nightmare
It begins again
Church bells crescendo
one, two, three
Shrills high and flighty
Like a flute's frightening fugue
Screaming for mercy
As it races across a moonless sky
Finally striking twelve
darkness
Is it over?

The asphalt stained red,
Punctuated with colored glass
I can see it whole again
His arms stretched wide
Waiting for her, waiting for me

My blood, my body
Won't somebody save me?

Clouds blanket the night
Rain pounds the pavement
Washing it all away

Is he crying for me?
My blood, my body, my God.

Oh beautiful oblivion
Won't you dance with me?
Scoop me up in your arms
And never let me go

Oh beautiful oblivion
Won't you sing to me?
And cause me no harm
And never let me know

Oh beautiful oblivion
Won't you laugh with me?
And show me no alarm
And never let it show

Oh beautiful oblivion
Won't you romance me?
And show me your charm
Oh please make it so

Oh beautiful oblivion
Won't you lie with me?
And hold me in your arms
And then watch me grow

Oh beautiful oblivion
Won't you die with me?
Show our children no harm
And never let them know

Oh beautiful oblivion
You will never be
Because they live on
Oblivion isn't so

Ah, Fields of Dismay
Plains of Despair
hands clasped in prayer
but I seem to get nowhere
dismay rising
despair calling
for attention they are falling
anguished minds

Cities crying
People Dying
The Devil is always lying
in bed beside me
telling me I can't see
telling me I can't believe

Fearsome Cumbersome

In my thoughts
In my dreams
never becoming what it seems
always searching
always burning
always yearning
for what I can't have

Ah, River of Dreams
Lake of Fears
bathing in their tears
forgetting those lost years
Dreams fading
Fears invading
For me they are waiting
tortured souls

Angels weeping
God is sleeping
So peacefull while "he's" dreaming
hoping to start over again
cleanse the world of all sin
just can't bring myself to blame him

Lonesome Tiresome

In my thoughts
in my dreams
never ending silent screams
always needing
always wanting
always longing
for what "he" can't have