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Not everything is as it seems......

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Prophecy
12:34 Jan 27 2010

I know, I'mma vampiiiire! -sparkle sparkle-

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As of last night, my clauddaghs are pointing toward the nail.

I just had a hissy fit in my bathroom.



My current GOOD belt just broke.



Feeeeeeeeeck.

I fail.



I asked what steam was. I thought it was an Xbox thing. I was wrong D:

I wore a pair of my favorite Tripp Pants today. ^3^ It feels nice to be in them again. I think I might go back to this phase for a little while.



By the Way, since it's fairly chilly where I live right now, does any one think that skinny jeans and a skirt would look okay? I would usually just do leggings, but as I said, it's cold.



D: My bladder's full and I just got done with a test over the ear... Merah!

Cause I sure as hell don't. You want to tell them what you told me what made me really fricken pissed? How you told me I didn't get to go cause she didn't want me there?

I am being overly-sensitive cause I'm a fake!



I am having a hard time right now. Apparently being the fake of my friends who now doesn't exist, bullcrap with some fruit cup, and my asthma, I am not sure how much more I can stand.



I was coughing all through the night and I woke mom up twice. She eventually at 4 in the morning decided to give me cough medicine and it helped me sleep. I'm gonna miss that when I move in September.



I had been at the clinic and hospital this morning. It's getting rough. My oxygen got lower this morning. I'm afraid if it will get too low like last time. Last time my oxygen was about this low I got cortisone and admitted over night. I had probably the best breakfast in about a couple years at the hospital. Crazy, no?



Someone texted me last night saying they really wanted to see me. It made me a little happy to hear his voice. But if she was right, well then that effort had gone to waste because he wanted to see me. I almost told him I didn't want to see him, but I changed my mind on that pretty fast when he sounded pretty sincere. Hot chocolate is definately better when you are with someone who cares about you. Someone who was sweet enough to get out of his car and walk with me to and from the car and of my house. Sincere. I almost lost sight of that word.



I'm emo. Get over it. I wanted to have my friends, but apparently that was all acting on your part. I'm sorry I wasted your precious time. I wouldn't have been so "busy" if you actually bothered to make plans WITH me.

So, I have like...Three friends now. And mom doesn't count, mom is in the mom category. Speaking of ma. She is PISSED.



What exactly did I do to deserve this? I was a normal human being so I get punished for it? Yet it is still all my fault? I see. Then excuse me, for the white man's ways are strange to me in the valley of my people.



Oh how I can't wait for you, CTU. I will be away from this wretched place. Except I will miss Sarah. The one who seems to be the only one in the school who listens to me and help my troubles.



Functional help is Functional.

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Prophecy
00:32 Jan 13 2010

Not that wretched, Rachi...

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xXxInsomniacRayxXx
04:28 Jan 13 2010

Oh yes it is.

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Prophecy
05:22 Jan 13 2010

It could be worse... Could be Detroit.

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xXxInsomniacRayxXx
05:28 Jan 13 2010

I would rather be there than here. i would rather be anywhere but here at the moment. This town sucks and so do the multiples of people in it.

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Prophecy
12:46 Jan 13 2010

Not all of us, Rachi..

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xXxInsomniacRayxXx
16:24 Jan 13 2010

Riiight.

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Prophecy
17:53 Jan 13 2010

:| Rachi, Zach made the plans, not any of the rest of us.

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xXxInsomniacRayxXx
18:11 Jan 13 2010

And yet no one could mention, "Hey, where's Ray?".

Plus along with Christa's story she told me, I don't think I can really trust anyone anymore. If I wasn't worth mentioning, but worth being a fake/backup friend, why bother in the first place? If you say I'm not, well then how come that's how I have felt this whole year?

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I feel like a fricken retard. I obviously don't have any friends because I didn't even know about my "best friend's" FUCKING birthday party. You know what? Fuck you all. I'll remember that my so called friends don't fucking exist.

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Rosenrot78
00:43 Jan 13 2010

Oy. i remember that. it happened to me in high school, too. my "friends" would have a birthday party or something and on monday be all "oh it was sooo fun, you shoulda been there!" and i'd be like "yeah, well, i woulda been if i'd'a been INVITED and known about it." jerks.

now it's over ten years later and I KNOW who my friends really are and WERE. life just makes so much more SENSE now. back then, for me, anyway, it was all a jumbled mess.

well, i guess i hope it will be similar for you in that it will all get so much better once you get the fuck out of high school. that place is absolute hell.

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xXxInsomniacRayxXx
04:29 Jan 13 2010

Thanks, I hope you are right.

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Being so shy. I look at all these pictures of my friends and I realize I am in like 1/5 of their pictures. Or 1/10 pictures just in general of everyone's. And I realize I can't ever change that. And now, I have to decide whether start college in the summer, July, or start in the fall, October.



This is a problem because, I am leaving so much behind. My friends who taught me that to be out-loud and crazy won't be there anymore. I'm leaving them behind. The people who finally taught me how to be myself. And all these things I hear make me want to cry. I'm a wuss. I'm not in your face so that you remember me a month later. I am in the background where you might catch a glimpse and think, "What a poser".



What defines me? I feel like a traitor. I want to leave and not come back. But at the same time, I want time to stop just for me so I can have just some time with the three girls who mean the world to me. The girls who try to help me be the person I need to be.



And yet, college... It offers me a program and setting I love, and that I can't wait to start learning. But it has a few of the things that won't be there when I start my schooling. Music. Theatre. And the people who help me hobble from day to day.



It's a new year. A year to let go and drift, to find the hook and reel in.

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Prophecy
00:03 Jan 04 2010

You gotta do what is right for you, Rachi. It won't do you much good when you're somewhere you don't want to be.

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