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It's not the easiest thing to do....in fact it is quite difficult....Always wondering if there was something else you could have done. Wondering if you had just said this or that, maybe they would finally listen to you. Wishing and hoping they finally see what you were saying, finally see the error in their ways, and that they will come back and apologize and make amends....But that seldom happens. I recently lost a friend....and honestly my heart hurts over it. I tried being honest and explaining how something made me feel and....it fell on deaf ears. This person just defend their behavior and had too much pride to even consider that they may have done something wrong.....it hurts so much....to feel such a strong connection to someone and then they make you feel so...insignificant. That your feelings don't matter.

Which bring me here...though sometimes we all have to leave someone behind, sometimes it's for the best. Not to sound "cliche" but I am like an Angel of Justice, I am all about fairness and kindness, respect and if you violate one of those things...then I have to leave you behind unless you are willing to admit or at least acknowledge what I am saying you did that hurt me. Like if the roles were reversed and someone came to me and told me I hurt them and here's why....Omgosh my heart would be crushed and fall into the pit of my stomach I would feel so bad....I would listen to every word they had to say, analyze the situation and apologize, like it's that easy.

But for some people, they just can't get past their own ego. They think whatever they do is the right thing, and if you don't like it then that's your problem. Now don't get me wrong, I can kind of role with that. I am not saying you should change for anyone, however, if someone means something to you, if they are important and you care about them, then you would think if they came to you and said, "you hurt me and here's why" in a respectful, mature manner, then you would be willing to listen and acknowledge their feelings and apologize...I mean heck, I would do this to a stranger. If someone I didn't even know did this, I would still listen to them, analyze the situation and apologize.

I don't know...maybe I just....can't stand knowing I have hurt someone and would do what it too to make it right, so I expect the same respect back...But just like my other post, it seems I have a nact for befriending people who don't treat me on the same respect level that I treat them....

Sometimes I find myself (even at this age) blurring the line between "kindness" and "self-respect". I find myself either being overly kind, wanting to make sure everything is okay with the other person, putting their needs, feelings, and wants above my own, or I am stern and blunt to let the person know that I won't be fooled, manipulated, or used. However, I can't tell you how many times doing both sides, have gotten me into trouble. I have always been "Black and White" kind of person. Searching for that "Gray" area has been...difficult. Even recently, in my friendships I see how much effort I put in, how much I let them know they are wonderful and how much I appreciate them, giving compliments, being there for them during hard times....but I don't get even close to that same effort back....

What's crazy is...I would literally do almost anything for the people I care about...I would take away their pain if I could. In fact, if I could take away everyone's pain (even from people I don't know) I would, even if it meant I had to take it into myself and endure it for them...I would.

It's less that I want to hear those same compliments and more that I want to know what it is I am doing wrong to not receive them. I must be doing something to where they feel like I don't deserve the same kindness and respect that I give...

On the other hand, there is "self-respect", where I definitely don't stand for mistreatment. If I find something to be...wrong, unkind, unfair etc...I will speak up. I am very much one for justice due to all the injustices I have experienced in my life. I would stand up and fight for what is right, even if everyone else is against me. It's not the first time I have been labeled "the odd-ball out", but I don't care. I don't follow that "group-think" mentality.

In short....I just wish I knew that it isn't so much me, as much as it is them...that they must not think of me in as high regard as I do them and for whatever reason that must be.