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I was awakened last night from the most horrific nightmare. It still scares me and I have been awake all day keeping myself busy and trying to forget. There were bonfires lit every so often in a clearing. Music, where from I don't know, but it made my skin crawl. It was a large orgy in this clearing, with an alter in the center. The trees covering the clearing felt so close upon my head. A friend bound to that alter. I knew everyone there. Then I was forced to watch as someone sliced him from throat to belly button, reaching in to pull out his heart. Other things were done, too horrible to mention. All in the name of some mysterious evil. I don't know what to think of this dream. I have no idea what it means, or if it even has a meaning. I expect only time will tell.

I am not sure what I should do right now. I am so confused about everything. I had thought I had learned all I possibly could about myself, had learned to live with my darker nature, but being back on VR on a regular basis has shown me I know nothing, have barely moved down this path I have chosen to walk, and am unsure whether or not I want to walk it anymore. The biggest part of who I am is saying I am strong enough for even this unusual twist of fate, but the little girl inside of me is screaming to run. Being lycan was one thing, but this other part, this darker side, is scaring the crap out of me. Having put a label to it has shocked me into insensibility. I am stuck at a crossroads, the left leading down a dark path that in the end I am sure leads to enlightenment and the right to the wonderful ability I have to bury everything I have become and sink back into the ease of the oblivion I was previously enjoying. The succubus has a really nasty connotation in history, and on top of that, it is vampiric. I am not sure how, but I have ended up being a half-breed of some sort, and quite frankly it is scaring the living crap out of me. I have always had certain cravings and desires, but when I went to a wise friend to find out how to banish them, she labeled me and told me things that shocked me. My cravings will never go away, will get worse, and the more I deny them the weaker I will get, physically and mentally. Now I am studying a whole new life, deciding if I am going to walk it, how to do so in such a remote area as the one I live, and whether or not it is even worth it. This is why I have been hiding from my friends/family on VR as of late, trying to decide how to live my life. I still haven't decided but I knew I had to write, and everything I write goes into my journals on one profile or other. I thought if I could write it down I would be able to see clearer but I think it is just making it worse.

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LadyChordewa
21:45 Oct 30 2010

Life is always a learning journey, making decisions are the different paths you take. Sometimes your right, sometimes your wrong. As you can do is try to do your best. Remember we are always here for you.

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I work 3 part time jobs, leaving me 0 days off every week. I work my butt off to the point that I go from one job to another 4 days a week at the least. Well, that would be great but apparently I need to get a 4th job now. My husband woke me up this morning bitching at me that I am not making us enough money. He feels that I am not doing enough to support us. And before you ask, he doesn't work, he sits in his chair and bitches very well though. He may be drawing unemployment right now, but he doesn't want to be putting any of that into our bills. He wants to save it up for a new car for himself. Excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall.

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PAGAN
20:23 Oct 21 2010

:(

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ThothLestat
20:31 Oct 21 2010

you need to bang HIS head against a wall.

Hard.

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NITEOWL47
17:45 Oct 22 2010

Maybe you guys need some quality time. You...him...and a baseball bat. >:)

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xPsychex
05:10 Oct 23 2010

LOL..I am fairly certain I would get caught..or I would bro haha. Got me a back up plan tho ;)

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For my kids..thank you for giving me such wonderful days and nights my sweetlings.

For you..always. Miss you.

Miss you bro, loved talkin to you and the boys

To you, the dear woman who decided to write politely threatening messages to me. I see that your quest for vengeance has reached a new low as you visited and rated both my profile and portfolio 3's. That is fine, and completely your choice. That is why Cancer has given us all those nice little numbers. I don't know you, and I am not sure I even did what you accused me of but as I state in my profile for anyone who takes the time to read it, I use all the numbers when I rate and revenge ratings in return do not bother me in the least. I hope you have a wonderful life and may your steps on whatever path you choose be blessed.

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Seeker2112
03:41 Oct 11 2010

Lol Tit for tat is what I always say,

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PandorasBx
04:02 Oct 11 2010

You are much kinder than I am :)

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TheArtistRose
04:15 Oct 11 2010

Yup, very kind indeed.

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xPsychex
04:16 Oct 11 2010

I don't know about that, just feel that I need to set a good example for not only my children, but the others on VR.

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janneliejuice
01:38 Oct 12 2010

anyone who looks at your pages sis KNOW that are 10++++++ shes got a jeleously problem... her bad.

Love ya hun~JJ

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I got up at the butt crack of dawn this morning fully prepared to tell Mark goodbye. He was going to go back to his home state for at least 6 month to take care of his elderly aunt and get some of his own health issues taken care of while he was there. I had decided that I could actually manage to survive without his emotional support while he was gone. It was a good reason for going after all. Now Mark has been feeling wrong about leaving since he bought his ticket, and when I offered to just pack myself in his suitcase he told me that if something were to happen where he couldn't go then there would be no second tries. He would just stay home. Fate played a major hand in today. That is all it could be. My husband, who in the 14 yrs of carrying a wallet has only forgotten it once, can't say that any more. He left it at home this morning! He will not be going to oregon for more than a week for visiting family, and I will be going with him then!

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XXRiddleMeThis69XX
11:53 Oct 11 2010

Good for you. Sometimes it’s the smallest thing that we would normally overlook that makes some of the biggest impacts on our lives. You have fun girl…;)

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For my children, daughters and sons. You are my life, my love, my all. Every breath I breathe is for you. Every struggle is worth it all for you.

Ok, I am not sure how I "deserved" such a privilege of meeting my twin (attitude wise) on here but I did. I am not sure how I come out of our nightly conversations with my hair intact and on my head let alone without it going gray *giggles*. That man is going to drive me insane!! I should be the only one in my life that is this snarky, smartassed, opinionated,..um..where is my thesaurus??..

Everytime I meet someone new they ask what I'm like. Who I am, what makes me who I am. A few years back Brad Paisley came out with this song, and its descriptions fit me to a T. I have since adopted it as my personal song. It means a lot to me and I just stop and listen to it when I lose my way sometimes. It reminds me who I am, and why I am.

Ok, I will be the first to admit I am a huge Dog The Bounty Hunter fan. But I only admit it here to the masses of people who do NOT read this *giggles*. The man is just hot!! Beth is such a lucky woman!! I am watching a marathon today on TV which is what got me thinking about it. YUMMY!!! This girl love a man who can kick some ass!!!

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XXRiddleMeThis69XX
09:55 Oct 07 2010

Well to those that dont read this....HODAD....hahahahaha



I know you know...lol

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xPsychex
10:12 Oct 07 2010

Oh you are so mean! *hugs* your lucky your cute *giggles*

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This song dedicated to the one man who will never know who he is. Whom my heart will always belong and yet will never claim it.

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jaggedxtears
00:44 Oct 04 2010

He must not deserve it then....*hugs*

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Well, everytime I take a step forward in this life I end up taking three backwards. I got laid off tonight. At work. My supervisor had to tell me. The temp agency I am going thru didn't even bother to try to get ahold of me. Just another massive fuck up because the temp agency has a freakin temp employee doing all the work!! She has made mistake after mistake and given me more migraines than all 4 of my kids AND my ex-husband combined! As it is I am probably going to be out a paycheck this week, and I was just starting to climb out of the hole my husband had put us into *sigh* oh well. Life happens.

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jaggedxtears
00:45 Oct 04 2010

My, I'm so sorry. I know the feeling. Pay cuts three kids no other income. I will surely pray for you, I will *hugs*

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