The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Ø Tila Tequila would know everyone in the whole world.



Ø You would struggle over the time it takes someone you like to crack your top 8.



Ø 19 year old boys wouldn't own shirts and 19 year old girls would not own pants.



Ø If you're a fat girl, people would only see you from the shoulders up.



Ø People would be able to photoshop out pimples on their face.



Ø Girls would always be posing, cheeks sucked in and lips puckered two feet off their face.



Ø Your attraction to someone would be based on their favorite clothing label, their favorite band, and a survey.



Ø All females are bi and all males drive import muscle cars.



Ø Most people would walk around with a full size mirror 2 feet in front of them.



Ø Your driver's license would have hearts around your name or quote from an emo song.



Ø The phrases "Yo," "your hawt," or "hit me back some time" would attract the opposite sex.



Ø Bands with 3 song demos could book stadium tours.



Ø Lesbian women would not allow anyone with a penis within 50 yards of them, not even to deliver a pizza.



Ø It would be perfectly acceptable to blurt out any random filthy perverse sexual thought at any random woman/man you thought was "hawt" as a first greeting.



Ø It would be no more unusual to see a man walking around displaying his erect, naked penis than it would be to see random women running around in a g-string w/nothing covering their breasts but their hands.



Ø You would look your very best at all times.



Ø Some people would be holding their right arm out straight in front of them at all times.



Ø Everyone would make $100,000 a year or higher.



Ø There would be alot of underage strippers in the world.



Ø There would be a lot of youthful looking 99 year olds.



Ø Blogs would be required reading and any random thought in your head would be shared with everyone.



Ø Everywhere you would walk, an image of Angelina Jolie would be behind you.



Ø Forbidden would actually be hot.



Ø You'd have a friend named Tom creepily following you around giving you bad news constantly.



Ø It wouldn't be odd to have Brad Pitt in your circle of friends.



Ø Hello Kitty would be a real person.



Ø Conversations would sound like this "How are you?" Sent. "Good, how are you?" Replied.



Ø During a long conversation you'd have to say "Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: all right, well call me later."



Ø When it was time for bed you would say you're "Undergoing Maintenance."



Ø You would have to paint your walls using Thomas Myspace Editor codes in your apartment.



Ø Stewie from Family Guy would be your best friend.



Ø In your circle of friends you would hang out with Scottsdale bars and clothing lines.



Ø When someone said something funny, you'd actually roll around on the floor and laugh your fucking ass off.



Ø "Friend Whoring" is equal to STD's.



Ø "Fuckin MySpace!" is the only universally known term in any language to show anger.



Ø At nights when you are asleep you would get people running in your room that you don't know saying. "It's 4 a.m., I can't sleep, someone talk to me."



Ø Bands go to your house and ask you to give them a listen because they see that you like a band they sound nothing like.



Ø Anytime you walk into someones house they have the same video or song playing all the time, non-stop for three months straight.



Ø People would run up to you, tell you a random message, and you'd have 17 minutes and 13 seconds to pass it along before a ghost came to your house and raped your dog.



Ø People would inexplicably be stuck in their homes for hours unable communicate with the out side world because some asshole put up a large white wall in front of every door and window with a note attached saying Sorry but and unexpected error has occurred.

• A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.



• A special cleaning ordinance bans homemakers from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.



• All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.



• Allentown: There is a ban on men becoming aroused in public.



• Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.



• Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.



• Carlisle: In the middle of town, one must pay a fee of $50 dollars a year to park on a particular block. At night, however, the cars must be moved for street cleaning. This law is enforced even if snow or ice prevents the cars from being moved.



• Connellsville: One's pants may be worn no lower than five inches below the waist.



• Danville: All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.



• Dynamite is not to be used to catch fish.



• Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents.



• In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.



• In Philadelphia, you can't put pretzels in bags.



• In the Mount Pocono region any group of 5 or more Native Americans are to be considered a raiding party and may be killed on the spot.



• It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding.



• It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.



• It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.



• Millville: One may not shoot any dog that is found wandering the streets. The sale of alcohol is prohibited.



• Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.



• Morrisville: It is required that a woman have a permit to wear cosmetics.



• Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays.



• Newtown: Every outlet or switch (which can be purchased for 59 cents) that is installed requires an electrical inspection fee of 1 dollar and 33 cents.



• No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.



• No more than two packages of beer at a time may be purchased, unless you are buying from an official "beer distributor"



• Pittsburgh: It is still illegal to bring a donkey or a mule onto a trolley car.



• Ridley Park: You cannot walk backwards eating peanuts in front of the Barnstormers Auditorium during a performance.



• Tarentum: Horses are not to be tied to parking meters.



• The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.



• Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land.



• You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.



• You may not catch a fish with your hands.

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.



Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.



A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.



A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.



In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.



Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.



In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.



In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.



Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.



In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.



A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.



No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.



In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)



The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.



In Ames, Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.



A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.



In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.



A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces.



Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.



Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.



During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.



In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.



In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.