The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.



I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.



I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.



I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".



I'd be painting the town instead of the house.



When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.



I could show my girlfriend where I live.



I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.



The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.



I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.



I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!



I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.



I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.



You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!



Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.



Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.



I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.



I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.



I could use my own name at hotels.



I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.



When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.



If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.



You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.



If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.



You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.



You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine.



You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.



You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.



You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.



You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.



You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.



You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.



You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.



You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.



You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.



Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.



You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.



You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.



You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've

just given head."



I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.



You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.



You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.



You're so ugly, you make onions cry.



You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.



You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."



You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.



You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.



You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.



You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.



You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.



You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.



You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.



You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.



You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.



You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.



You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.



You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.



You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.



You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.

You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.



You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.



You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.



You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.



You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.



You're so ugly, people create a Jackson Pollock style painting when they spew on the floor.



You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.



You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.



You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.



You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.



You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.



You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

Keep it up and six of your best friends will be carrying you by the handles.