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It is the one thing i always wish i had, love from friends and a family are completely different than the love i want. A love more powerful than anything else in existence. The feeling of completeness, safety, warmth, happiness. A love that can't be fathomed or truly described. We try to describe it as best as we can, but there just simply is no way to describe it. Sorry if i contradict myself, but that also happens when i speak of a love so rare and so precious. People see love as the one thing worth living for and others would rather die than to love and be loved in return. I am on neutral grounds right now. I want nothing more than to love and be loved, but not having that love in my life right now is agonizing. Leaves me so depressed that i want to cry, but just can't. Darkness fills my body, soul, mind, and spirit, and makes me want to give up makes me believe it really isnt worth living for.



i wrote this a few months ago.

We all have them. Whether it be secrets to ourselves, between family, friends or even strangers. Secrets can be a burdon or a blessing sometimes both. The power to keep it a secret, whatever it may be is something you have to master. I havent mastered it yet, i will admit, but for the good of my people, culture, and everything that comes with it, i must learn. This life i was born into means life or death and if i cant keep it a secret i will be the next to go. This means losing my pack and leaving the to survive on my own until the next leader takes the stand in my place. They will have to then be held to an even higher standard to keep them from the same fate that was given to me. A secret could mean life or death and in this life im not ready to die.

I was held captive at a mans apartment with him and his gf for 5 days....he kept me intoxicated with lots and lots of liquor, beer, and drugs in my system. I worked in the same building as him at UPS and he had originally invited me to what i thought would be a party, but i was wrong...what i ended up at was a very scary point in my life. You see he is a member of this secret society called Order of the Nine Angles and he told me that they were pretty much aliens within a human body and that he was a god, and he should be worshipped...he is the one i reffered to in my Never Again Journal Entry...i had told him of my beliefs and he pretty much spit in my face and told me i was a fucking idiot, and he wanted me to join him, become a part of the society and worship him i told him no and he didnt like that...I fueled his fire and he forced me to do things to him and with him that i didnt want to do...now remember i am pretty smashed this entire time, so i am not fully capable of defending myself and getting the fuck out of there...I was scared, i had never been through anything like that before and i seriously thought he was going to kill me with all the shit that went down there...but he couldnt avoid work forever...and one night he left for work, and i was able to sober up enough and walk somewhere safe...and this is the first time ive actually talked, talked about it, but im not ready for the full detail yet, maybe one day i will post about every bit...

I didnt stick up for them, my race, my pack, my beliefs. It made me sick to my stomache knowing i didnt uphold my position as leader. To be mocked and called a liar, a fucking idiot for being born the way i am. Everything i have known and come to learn on the tip of my tongue, begging to escape my lips to show, prove, scream that what i am is not a lie. Everyone is different and has their own way of life and how they perceive things. So what if I am not like you and think differently. so what if i come from a different place, and am younger than you. I know what i am...I am a hybrid, I am a leader, and I am not going to bow down to anyone like that ever again

Occassionally over the years, well more so than i would like, i break because there is just too much bottled within my body, mind, soul, and heart that i cant take it anymore...which means i usually start cutting again, be reckless, and just want to give up, crawl into a ball and stay there...You see i have had a decent life, but a terrible childhood, and i am forever scarred by it, but who doesnt have messed up lives these days right...On top of my re-wired brain from childhood scarring and the fact that i havent dealt with it the way it should be dealt with, i am also a psy-empathic vampire, being empathic means i can get very emotional very quickly because of others energies and i feel what they feel only intensified, plus whatever is going on with me...thats not the actual term, but thats it pretty much shortened, when i am having a hard time keeping myself in check i begin to lose myself, begin to break....Now i have had some things going on in my life lately, that are making me come to this breaking point again....i feel as though everything has stopped, not moving anywhere, but my mind is racing and going completely and utterly insane idk how to react...sometimes its as though i have died and my soul is trying to get out of this body but its trapped...idk why, but its different this time, and idk what to do...hopefully ill figure things out, get back in check and lock everything away keep it at bay until the next time things decide to go insane...i know i shouldnt give up and i havent so far, but sometimes i wonder if things will ever bring me to the point where i do just give up...