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You would think that it's hard to move on after you have loved and lost, it gets easier with time. Even then, when I think of him I wonder if my decision was even right. In the fact that all decisions are not always correct. I just didn't know that I would feel the way I do today about love.



I saw him today, holding hands with his new girlfriend. I made sure to hide behind the bushes before he looked up to see me. I didn't want to see the sadness that might linger still for me. I watched as they walked past to set under a tree. She leaned against him, and I bit my lip remembering how I used to lay my head on his chest. I could still smell him, even now.



I edged closer just to take one last look at him, and leave them be. I had no rights to be any where near him. I broke his heart, and I broke mine too. I guess you could say, that my pain was my punishment for my choice. Yet, before you throw up your hands, I couldn't give him everything he needed.



I stared at him, and sighed, no matter how much time passed. I still loved him, and every part of me ached to have forgiveness and his love back. He lifted her head to him and kissed her. I had to fight myself instinct to run away, I didn't want him to notice. I felt this sense of happiness and pain. I was happy to know that he found someone to appreciate him, and yet it wasn't me. I wasn't his one, and she would have everything that I would live without.



I turned away, satisfied that I would always love him, and that he will have someone to care for him as much as I did. Still I feared that she would do what I did to him, and he thought I didn't love him. He thought that I didn't care, I thought it was better for him to believe the worst of me, and for him to move on to happiness. I found my small patches of happiness written in my stories. I would never have the fairy tales that my books sometimes outline, in long drawn out series...but I could love in them.



I walked away, into the street and there it was a truck going way too fast. I put my hands up, no time to run and the last thing I heard was honking.

*****************************************

I looked up from my girlfriend long enough to see, Lynn my ex get crushed by the truck. Before I knew what I was doing, I was on my feet not paying any attention to Ashley. She looked shell shocked by the accident that had just occurred. I ran into the street, where Lynn lay in it, a bloody mess of herself.



The golden mass of thick blonde hair was now being dyed in scarlet. Her face peaceful looking, and something rather odd about it. The driver had climbed out of the car, screaming wondering what to do. I bent down, placing my hands gently on a shoulder.



"Lynn..."



I was scared to think she was dead, even if I had wished it once or twice. This was a horrible way to die.



"Lynn..."



She roashed, only to cough up blood. I watched her hazy recollection of what was going on. She wasn't scared of me, and she didn't seem to understand everything too well.



"I love you..."



I tensed at the first phrase out of her mouth.



"I love you..."



Her voice growing faint.



"Are you happy with her?"



She nodded to Ashley who was approaching.



"yes."



I didn't want her to think she cared, but instead of her crying. She smiled.



"Good."



She shuddered, her breathing already labored becoming slower. She stared at me with her crystal blue eyes.



"I'm sorry."



I shook my head.



"Just rest, the paramedics are coming, you'll be fine."



She smiled at me.



"They won't make it, I love you."



She closed her eyes then, I shook her.



"Lynn, don't!"



I was about to panic, she opened her eyes once more.



"You don't need me, you're happy, I just had to let you know I still cared."



I felt tears welling up in my eyes.



"Why? you left me."



She reach out with one of her hands, and brushed my face.



"I couldn't give you everything you needed. She can."



I turned to see Ashley looking rather perplexed, and yet understanding. I looked back at Lynn, as she put her hand down.



"I'm glad you're happy, and that I can love you."



I felt as if all the bitterness and hate for her melted inside of me. She had done everything in her power to make me move on.



"Lynn...please..."



She shook her head, cringing as she did so.



"I'm sorry."



She closed her eyes then, and I watched as her body went very still. I lifted her from the pavement, craddling her dead body to me. I cried, and felt as if I would never be happy again.



Love wasn't meant for others to push those away that could truly make them happy. Lynn paid the price, with her own life and I would live mine like a doll.

In everything there is the lord's words, in his creations that even smack his hands away. I find it comical to watch a human and the lord argue over the smallest thing. Humans live their lives on a time grid that is dictated by imperfect men. It isn't always imperfect men that leads them away from the creator, I watch as demons make friends of humans or use of their bodies. It's a mass of beauty and danger on earth.



The only thing I watch more than anything else is Michael. The beloved angel of death, my other half. It aches to think of him even now, after so many years of being parted from him.



I remember the day I was created so vividly, the lord had called me into existance from the mist that I had been apart of. He called Michael with me, and for a moment we were one. Then the lord parted our bodies, I was made in the imagine of a human woman and Michael a human man. In Michael the darkness of death would rest in him, and the brightness of life in me.



The lord possessed both powers, but in us was his messengers of death and life. Into us he spoke a bond that no one could break, in us was minds that no angel before us had ever possessed. For thousands of years Michael and I were at each other's side. I'd bring in life to a family, Michael would bring death to the old in the same family. We were trading, and we were content to do our jobs.



Yet, as the tension between Lucifer and the Lord grew we found words whispered to us of power.



"You could have him, Angelica" Lucifer had told me once.



"I see how you look at Michael, if I become lord I will give him to you. I will speak devotion into him for you."



My heart ached for the words to be true, Michael was my desire. I hadn't stopped loving the lord more, but it was hard to work when I wanted what humans had with Michael.



"I cannot." I had said back to Lucifer.



He, the morning star of it all was hard to deny with his beauty and mouth of gold. The lord had been very kind to him, and loved him best.



"Fair Angel of light, love, and life, you will lose your Michael," Lucifer had then ran a finger down the side of my face, making me cringe to the feeling.



"Do not speak such things Lucifer unless you trully wish to curse me."



He had laughed at me then, "We are a cursed race of Angels already Angelica. Always to serve the humans, walk by them, love freely, but never have a lover."



I had tightened my jaw, "We don't need what humans have, they don't get to see the glory of God with their own eyes. They can't see beyond their worldly eyes. Why would I want to be like a human? They fight over small things, and they are easily swayed."



The next day, Lucifer had fallen out of grace and into the darkness of the world. His words that had been honey to listen to were now poison. Gaberial had struck the morning star out of the sky, I had watch Michael join him and Uriel with his mighty sword clash into the fight.



I could not keep my eyes from Michael, and my thoughts turned to sin as I thought of how his body was so beautiful. My sin did not go unnoticed, but I did not seek to hide my love any longer. That was when I finally went to Michael and confessed.



It was hard to think of what I had to say to him. Michael was always more reserved than I had ever been, the reverse of myself. Always too serious for an angel, and I never serious enough to do anything. I wasn't supposed to love Michael so dearly, life and death can't be so closely related messengers. We bare completely different meanings, so to do so was to act on our own will. I was made to act out God's will, no one else's not even my own.



Here, I was floating amongst clouds looking into what humans would refer to as the sky. Heaven's sky is something completely different than what humans would expect. It's a mass of spectra colors and the colors don't all have names in the human language. It is hard to describe such a thing, unless you see it yourself. Just a mass of moving mist, color, and light forever spilling into eternity.



Angels were singing off in the distance of God's glory and his mercy. Victory had been ours that day to push the morning star and Gaberial was now more loved for it.



Michael's wide wings had spread out over fluttering past, in that time he had gray wings. Soft gray wings that changed color with his mood, his glass black eyes staring down at me. Anyone else would be frightened by Michael being so close. Most angels regarded Michael with quiet respect and nothing more. His hair flew in long black waves, and in that moment I had wished to touch it.



"Angelica?"



Michael's mouth had drawn taunt with me staring at him. He wasn't used to the attention, and I averted my gaze to make him more comfortable.



"You fought great today, Michael."



I felt him fly over and sit down next to me. We angels live more by feelings than by any other sense.



"I fought because I was called to do so, what is on your mind Angelica. I can't understand it."



I looked up at him through my lashes, knowing the effect it would give.



"Just love Michael, love that I will be thrown from the heavens for."



He had set his jaw by then, but he wouldn't give much more response. Michael was the type of angel that you never messed with, he was after all the messenger of death and who would want an enemy like that?



"Forbidden love? What is this love you speak of?"



I had reach over then, taking his hand in mine and linking the fingers like I had seen human couples do.



"My dearest Michael, if you couldn't see it then I don't know how you ever went so blindly. You are the love I speak of, my desire and my forbidden."



I had then moved to his ear purring those words into them. His hand had tightened around mine, and he had turned to me starring into my eyes. Those black pools held alot of emotion, that only I could see. I was his other half, and we were cursed to be so bonded.



"Angelica, you can't."



He had seemed so pained to say those words that I didn't understand in that moment.



"I shouldn't, and can't are different things entirely. You know that, and it's that I can't or shouldn't its that it's impossible for me to feel otherwise."



I had drawn closer to his face, feeling the magnetizism that we often had for each other. There was no denying how much I wish that we could be apart of each other. We were once one and the same in the mist. I didn't feel half as bad when we were together. He was the one that turned away and shuddered.



"You press me too hard Angelica, and we will both fall from the sky."



I had reached over turning his head back, closer than ever.



"Let us fall Michael, there are many others that have gone before us."



I had then drawn my lips to his, and I felt everything shake around me. A spark that flamed between us, I had left go of his hand to wrap my arms around him. His arms coming around my waist, truly the other half of the other. We fit like two puzzles and I sighed softly just to feel the sweet embrace. Yet, as soon as the kiss had happened, it ended. He was drawing his face away from mine.



"You jealous, selfish Angel."



He had smiled then, and I knew then that Michael loved me. He loved me with everything that he had and he too would suffer every trail that would be handed to us. We were sinners, imperfect because we were not God.