The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I am excited, I will be graduating with my associates in Journalism summer of 09, here is where I am standing.



I have 35 hours in general ed, 12 in the required core courses, and 9 in required courses. I still need to take physical education, 6 hours of electives and that finishes me off for gen ed. Then I need another 9 in my required courses, and 12 hours in my Electives under journalism. So, I only have this summer and two semesters left. It makes me happy. I can then start on my BA the fall of 09. WOOT



I am excited about school now, because FINALLY its about to get fun. No more gen ED so, that means all the other stuff will be alittle more in depth of with my degree. Hopefully, I will be graduating next summer, I am pretty stoked about it. ^.^

I feel like a Manic Depressant with the way my emotions have been going on lately. I had a real big high on Friday and Saturday. I got drunk Saturday night, and was pretty much buzzed all Sunday. Then on Monday, I hit a real big low and I have been feeling it today as well.



I feel as if nothing is working out and it's all way too overwhelming. I need to talk to my boyfriend. I feel as if I am about to just tear into two people. Does it make it any better that I feel as if I am a horrible person?



I feel myself emotionally drawn to one of my guy friend's, whom is gay. I guess it's because he meets my emotional needs, were as my boyfriend meets my physical needs. If they could be one guy, I would be having my needs met in both aspects. I think that I need to start forming ways for my boyfriend to meet my emotional needs.



I feel a long talk coming on and I feel like I will be allowing us to finally heal. I will be doing this, this weekend.

So, yeah...I am a really bubbly drunk which is what I have come to find. I was all over the place sharing love! hahahaha



No, I wasn't making out with anyone or doing anyone. I was just dancing and having a good time. The only thing is I drank enough to make me throw up the next morning. Oh, well I feel a whole of lot better if I hadn't.



I will definately be back to myself tomorrow, or rather mostly. We'll see. haha! ^.^

I am about to take on this world, new and yet old in my hands. I am about to step off and actually do what I know is best. So watch me, you'll see...

I am slowly coming to the realization that I am nothing if not marginally like my parents. A couple weeks ago, as spaced in my journal I had a friend move in with me. My dad heard 3 weeks for him to stay, I said a month. They want him out by Friday, and for what purpose?



My mom wants to paint the room, I told her fine he would be willing to help move the stuff. I was then told they need to clean the room because my grandma was coming, I asked When is she coming? My mom said July. i laughed and I said, you have got plenty of time to clean before Grandma comes. If anything my mom is full of shit and doesn't know how to actually be a charitiable person. In fact I was told by my sister that my mother is a very giving individual. Okay, yeah she had me and she raised me. But, right now she is just a heartless bitch.



They were both nice enough to allow Brett to move into the home. I mean within an hour of asking. I thank them for that, but other than them having any feats against him. I really don't understand. It's not like Brett is eating into their money. He bought his own food, so he doesn't eat theirs. He has his own stuff to clean not only his clothes but his body. And yet, the only thing he is using from them at a minimual is water, electric, internet and trash. If they are worried about that he is willing to give them money.



I have also come to the conclusion that my parent's sensitivity has run out since they got old and lost their minds. Do they even remember starting out on their own? DO they even remember what it was like to have no money? Some part of me thinks no. I want out of this place as soon as I can now. I will talk to them probably after my mom gets back about leaving my furniture here until either Arthur and I get our own place or we find a house.



I don't even care if they gift the car to me now. I will find a way to pay it. They have lost all my respect, all they are now is people that I live with. I really hope to never be anything like them. Atleast, in this sense.

Love of my life:

Arthur



The Family:

Mom, dad

Older brother, Older sister and their other halfs.

nieces and Nephew



Adopted Family:

Nathan,Joy, Lexi, Betha



The Besties:

Tara, Missy, Maily, and Bresama



The Close Friends:

Matty, Cole, Cynthia, Jon, Erin, Tyler



The Friends:

Mary, Nick, Paki, Paige, Ronnie, Ryu, Scott, Samuel, Kristin, Kathy, Logan, Stephen, Trey,Wren, Zach, Abby, Alexis, Amanda P., Amanda M., Andrew, Angela, Angie, Steve, Anthony, Behka, Billy, Cathy, Bryan, Brittany, Carrie, Chris.



Yeah, what a tree.

I have to give a speech in a couple of weeks that will outline how I feel so passionately about a topic. One thing that I was thinking about was religion, but my religion. I am so tired of people "telling" me what I believe in, instead of listening to what I believe in. I almost hate telling others that I am Christian, it's almost as if I say it the air grows dark and then I am robbed of any of my status because of it.



Let me make this point, about 33% of the worlds population claims Christianity as their doctrine that's about 1.2 billion. Even through the 1.2 billion you have the different fractions within it. So, my point is...why do people try to tell me what I believe in? There is about 14 or so subdivisions of the same religion. The answer is, You can't tell me what I believe in.



I am tired of people jumping on my case simply because I believe in God. The most frequent thing I get from the general population is, "Oh, that religion is so pushy they try to tell me what I should believe, how to live my life, and blah blah blah." Well, yeah there are alot of people like that in EVERY religion, but because I come from the largest one on this planet of course you'll get it more from us.



I don't associate myself with a group of people that would force religion on anyone else. But, it fails to be seen by others that for every "pushy" Christian there is someone else that doesn't push, but does care for your salvation. I don't particularly push my thoughts on others. So, my thing is, when you tell me what I believe in, it's as if you're saying this is what you should believe in. I don't believe that forcing Christ on others is right, but I also bring to the pot that if you ask someone what they believe in you should keep an open mind.



I have had someone recently tell me I don't know what it's like to walk alone on a path without a doctrine. The fact of the matter is, I haven't always been Christian. I chose this religion because it was the one that made the most sense, and made me the most comfortable. I am not all about telling someone what to do, but I do say that to be comfortable with yourself you have got to find a religion right for you. I have walked the line of no religious doctrine and it sucked. I have looked and done my research in other religions which brought into light some ethics that Christianity started out on.



Others seem to only see what the Christian Coalition is doing. If you were to take it from a totally spiritual stand point those people have a lot of conviction with what they are doing. Do I like what they are doing? No, I see them as morally screwed up Christians, that believe they are doing the right thing. Yet, with every religion you get the extremests and tacking Christianity as wrong, immoral, and totally barbaric is just like doing the same to anything else.



I am tired of being told what I believe in, it's time others started listening. If I can listen to your "You probably think this." Let me change your mind and say, "No, I believe in so much more than what you think."

I could drift softly amongst the waves into nothingness, and find peace in the greenest of places. I need nature, and these steel concrete boxes I live around in aren't cutting it. I think I will take this weekend to go out to a place where nature is abundant and I can find myself enthralled with light. I have been feeling so negative lately, and I realized something....



I may not be a sun junky or even like the sun in my eyes. But, it does make me feel better. I find that even at times it makes me all weak, because the sun does sap energy it can also renew it. In the right types of weather and well, spring here in good ol'oklahoma is the perfect time to do so.



I am going to really get out there and be nature woman. Yay! outside! Yay! Sun! Yay! NATURE! YAY!



We'll see what I feel like come Monday morning. ^.^

Isn't life wonderful? Wonderful? WWWWWOOOONNNNDDDEEERRRFULLLL? yeah, I was thinking of that song wonderful, and I was wondering about what it is that makes people so depressed. I guess I can define mine in turns of other people and their stupid decisions. What do others define theirs in?



Is it actions? Consequences? Society? Or does it essentially all come down to the same thing? Is it the fight for power? I live in a country chalk full of immigrants that about killed themselves to get here and I was luckily born here. I don't see all the potential that they do. It makes me wonder what they see.



Is life really that WONDERFUL here? I know that I could of been really unlucky and born in a country that has a poverity level bigger than their economy. Who knows right?

so, I had a bit of a scare and thought I might possibly of been preggers. Turns out that scare was false, but who knows. Since it has only been 3 weeks since I did something with my boyfriend. I don't know, if I was...what would I do? I am 4 weeks away from moving to lawton and that would definately make me not want to move. The fact of the matter is I am still on my parent's health plan and with that I need them to make sure I have a healthy pregnancy.



So, I don't know....maybe I am....maybe I am not....you can't really tell this early and I don't want to sweat it that much. Even if I was, what would it change except that my degree would be put off alittle longer? I know that Arthur would definately be a part of my life for the rest of it, but who knows.



I am definately thinking I am not preggers, but it could change in a couple of weeks. I'll test myself again, and hope for the best possible outcome. Although I did have some excited friends about it. Crazy...and I just realized that most of my friends wouldn't be able to go through it, because most of them are gay or lesbain. So I guess it makes sense for them to be all excited for me. It's nice to have some support though.

So, in a course of a week I had a friend move up here, his boyfriend cheat on him and him move in with me. I put my neck on the chopping block for my friend because he means alot to me. I can't stand it when people are so fucked up. I mean he moved up here to make things better for himself and to strengthen a relationship he thought would amount to something more than some fling. I thought it would too, but trust is not so easily placed on someone that can't put forth the effort to make things better. So, I wish his ex everything he deserves.



I hope that his ex knows the very same pain that my friend went through. I wish that he have no where else to go, and become trapped in someone else's apartment where he can't change anything. Then walk in one someone that he cares about and did nothing to deserve any bad cheating on him. I really wish him the just desserts of what he is making for himself.



So, people are fucked up, but the best way is to move on hope for the best and pray that you don't make the same mistake as them. I really do wish people wouldn't hurt each other the way they do now.

So, I am watching as someone digs their grave before my eyes. They are twisting things around them, and tying themself up. Should I cut them out with truth? You bet that I am, and watching as the pit before them opens up and increases with each truth I speak of.



I don't know if I want to watch the self destruction but, it's really hard to turn away when this false witness cast stones at me. It's hard to pray for someone that is so filled with distaste and lies. It's hard to want the best for someone that is intentionally using someone else. It's hard, and I don't know if I can miss the show of their own grave digging.



I am not going to push myself anymore, I am myself content that I am the way I am. I will not be reduced to nothingness. I am me and I won't cry when you lie to yourself and then take the grave that was dug with your own hands. I'll pray for you, and I will do what I know I can do.

COMMENTS

-

---

xXSeductiveXLustXx
19:14 Apr 05 2008

People can be so distasteful, as you put it, I see it allot...I'm sorry you too have to go through such things...They know what they are doing and deserve back whatever it brings them...Don't let yourself get down over someone else, no matter what they do or try doing...You're wise, you got the right idea...

---

POST COMMENT

So, one of my friends that lived out of town finally moved back to the same city I live in. The thing is I am leaving next month and moving to Lawton. Which will be a rather emotional move for me. I am going to have to go through my clothes soon and just start down sizing my shit.



I know that I am not taking my furniture, but I am taking all of my clothes, shoes, and nicknaks. The big stuff will just have to wait, I am going to go down possibly next week all dressed up and nice to go apply for a job, I know I will recieve.



I just have to have something setup with a job when I leave my current one. I am not at all happy about leaving the current job, since I am rather happy with it. The office has been great, but it's time that I move on. Good bye my happy photography position, hello whatever position I have after this.



I might just be going into child care again. Which is not a bad idea, since I have the most experience with it. I really hope that I can just get a job lined up quickly, I can't go down there and not have anything to do. It would put a strain on Arthur and I's relationship for sure. Oh, well so here goes my applications.

I stayed up until 4 in the morning, and yeah it wasn't like i couldn't sleep. It's just that I didn't want to sleep. It doesn't matter to me though, I guess I will just have to work through cotton today and look toward the night. I am getting alittle irritated though. I want to leave work early and someone has to use the camera. I can't leave until the camera has been used. I guess I am just going to have to be a brat.



Soooo...besides my minor irritation and loss of sleep, I am looking forward to my bed. I also haven't eaten that much today. For some odd reason I find it really hard to eat. It's as if my body has gone on a hunger strike and didn't inform me. Or atleast, I ain't eating enough to keep you going strike.



I feel so drained. I don't like feeling that way, and I'm alittle out of my mind I guess. Yet, so sweet will be that pillow when I rest my head upon it.