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Ok....I dont really consider myself attractive, but have come to find that many do find me attractive. They are all gothic guys or guys that are involved with the darker sides of life....and it seems like there is something about me that just oozes 'SEX'.....and I dont get it. I am the least bit sexy. But it seems i can very easily turn these guys on...and mean, make them rock hard in about the same amount of time it takes for you to snap your fingers....its not that i am complaining, cuz im not, it is nice to know that there are people out there that find you attractive even when you feel that u aren't, i just dont understand it sometimes, thats all.



if any male reads this, and happens to be one that i have had this affect on, could you please message me and explain it if you can. thank you.

Ok, last nite I went to one of the cemetaries nearby with a friend of mine. we moved in toward the back of the cemetary and found a bench to sit on. he sat there, concentrating on the energies that he could sense....one of them was very powerful he claimed. well, at one point, i had my eyes closed, just focusing on the sounds, I thought i heard someone nearby....my friend could feel it as well, he felt as if we werent alone in the cemetary.

well, from where i was sitting, i could see this one large headstone off in the distance. i kept seeing something moving over there, though it might have been from the car headlights from the freeway off in the background. i told my friend this, so we headed toward it. about 20 feet away from it, i couldnt walk any closer....i got this feeling of evil rush over me....like it was wrong of me to continue toward this grave, so i remained where i was and joseph walked over to it. although it was very dark out, he has good nite vision, he saw a hand engraved on the stone, and it was pointing toward the heavens....after he walked back to me, i felt that we needed to leave, that we didnt belong there anymore. after we were outside the gates we stood there for a few minutes because i felt really strange....and we both happened to notice that when we looked up at the tree that was in front of us in the cemetary, the top if it (with the leaves, branches, bird positions) looked like a demons head...it had ram - styled horns and a pointy evil face...after i saw this, we left.

last night, i had felt a presence in my room all night long. now, i knew it wasnt my ex vampire boyfriend because it didnt feel like him, and i knew it wasnt the incubus that i had problems with, because it didnt feel like him either, this presence felt dark and scary...but anyways, i went back this morning, by myself and sensed nothing. but i was told by a vampyre friend of mine that i probably wouldnt sense anything, esp not during the day. well, i did notice a quote underneath the hand, it said something about being the resurrected, and that he believeth, and that he is not dead, but shall live again....

i dunno....it was all very strange and new to me....

I am worried about a few of my friends. I met both of them on the internet through gothicmatch.com and we've gotten really close.

One of them lives in southern california. She says that i'm really the only girl friend that she has that she can share things with. She had also told me at one point, that her life was so messed up and that i was the only thing she looked forward to everyday. She looked forward to the emails we would send back and forth. She said that it was the only thing that was helping her realize that there are some things worht living for in life, even if it such a simple thing as friendship. Well, I know that recently she lost a close friend/ ex boyfriend....she blames his death on herself. Though it was a car accident and she had know way of preventing it. I think she feels guilty because she had never responded to a letter that he wrote to her while he was at boot camp. She kept putting it off because she was busy....and really never thinking that anything would happen to him..that he would still be there when the time came that she had a chance to respond. Well, that time never came, and she only found out 2 wks ago that he had died on her birthday which was in the beginning of october. I havent heard from her since she told me all of this. And being that i got a new message from her everyday, i am worried about her.

My other friend....man is her story a long one. I will cut it short. She was with a guy and they realized that they were soulmates...they made each other complete. Something happened and something came between them....thats the long part of the story that im totally skipping cuz its really not that important.....This made them go their seperate ways. Well....he had been single for a long time, and she had dated a few different guys. He lived in another state now and they never saw each other. All had been forgiven and he had made a promise to her that they would be together again, because that is where they belonged. Until then, they were free to be with other people. Well, he started dating this one chick. It made my friend miserable. This girl knew about the promise he had made, and yet she is doing everything in her power to keep them apart. It is tearing my friend up inside. She knows her ex wont break up with this girl unless by chance she cheats on him, but I dont think it will happen. And she has become so depressed lately that she went back to cutting herself....and seriously contemplating suicide. It breaks my heart to know how much pain she is in. Well, i chatted with her ex recently and told him how i felt about the whole thing and it didnt really seem to phase him. He didnt seem to really care about what his soulmate was doing to herself because she loves him so much. She had wanted to know what was said between us, so I told her the truth. It tore her apart. She has finally decided to give up on ever being with him again. And she believes she will never be happy unless she is with him. She has given up on love/sex/ and everything else in this world. I feel that she may be so miserable on the inside that she wont be able to handle the pain much longer, and that she will end it.

I cant lose another person that i hold close to my heart. I lost my ex boyfriend recently. Not to suicide, though he talked about it often, but he did die, and I think some of it was because of the pain I had dealt him not long ago. This event tore me apart inside...and though I have never met this girl in person, we have only spoken on the internet, i consider her one of my best friends. I cant lose another best friend, especially if i know that they are in a lot of pain when their life ends. I think she will give up on everything and end up dying of a broken heart....just like the quiz in my profile says that I would die that way. I wish that life was better for her, because it seems that nothing ever goes the way it should for her. I just hope that both of my friends will be ok.