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today was my pre-op dpctors appt. I am going into surgery on Friday to have them remove my gall bladder. It has been causing such excruciating pain ever since november, and finally its getting taken care of. I'll be able to eat pizza again without having to keel over in agony afterwards. But it has given me a prescription for vicadin, which is great. I think im addicted to that shit....



anyways, about the rest of my life....its just plain boring. My love life is just a pile of confused and emotional feelings and i hate it. i hate being alone, i hate the fact that i gave up a great relationship and will probably hate myself for it for a long long time. i know that every guy i meet after him will always be compared to him. and thats not really fair, cuz to me, he was perfect and im a fucking idiot. anyways, i dont feel like getting too emotional over it right now, i can feel the tears welling up, so enough about love.



school is boring now too, i dont ever feel like going anymore. im not even sure i want to move to l.a. for my transfer. but i need to finish and get my degree already....grrr....school sucks.



well, anyways, i dont think there ia anything else for me to write here anymore, but if i think of something, i will definitely add it....

Everyday, I think about a lot of things. Some of those things I'd prefer not to think about, but I can't help it. These are the things that cause me pain. I am trying so hard not to dwell on my past, it makes it all hurt so much more.



Not long ago, my boyfriend broke up with me, it hurt, but truthfully I was relieved. I was terrified of moving so far from my life and my family, just to be with him. I know I would have been miserable, even though I'd be with him. I loved him.....and a part of me always will. He was the first one to show me what it was like to be truly loved in return, and it felt great.....But, at this time I had been falling for someone here on VR. So, when he broke up with me....my love for this new guy had its chance to fully blossom. I truly believe that hes my soulmate.



Anyways, my ex found out that I had mvoed onso quickly, and not long after, I recieved a message that made me feel like shit. It made me so depressed all fucking day long. I had thoughts of slicing up my skin with a razorblade.....I had everything ready for it....but then, I talked with a few friends and seriously thought about it and realized that it wasnt worth it, even though I had felt that I deserved the pain of it because of the pain I had caused him for replacing him so quickly. But, with the help of my friends and my own thoughts about how much I despise cutting and how I've talked my friends out of doing it, everything faded away.



My soulmate....hes the only thing that really makes my future look brighter. He makes me the happiest I've ever been, but its hard living so far away from him, and having to wait so long to be together (he lives on the other side of the country and needs to finish one more year of school before we can truly be together. I am kind of worried though....and I blame this on my mother.....She keeps telling me that I cant possibly be in love with someone fromthe internet, that I dont really know who they are. True, but I've talked to him on the phone as well.....she also keeps asking me...'oh, what if so and so came here and asked you to marry him? What would you do?'....and 'oh, well a year is such a long time. people change you know....what if in a year from now, he doesnt feel the same anymore, or he finds someone else, someone closer?.....This is what makes me worry. she has a point. I dont want to listen to it though because I dont want to believe that its possible....which it is.....but im hoping not.



Another thing I blame on my mom.....the ending of my last relationship. That was a long-distance one as well. She kept saying things like 'well, how do you know that hes not talking to toher girls like the way he talks to you? and how do you know this and how do you know that?....it put so much doubt in my mind about the future of the relationship and now shes doing it all over again....both times i have been truly happy with my life and she has to screw it up because she "doesnt want me to get hurt". Doesnt she realize that shes the one thats hurting me? by putting all these negative thoughts in my head....making me doubt my own fucking happiness. I love her yes....and I love that I can talk to her about anything....but dammit sometimes I wish she would just stay out of my love life....she needs to stop meddling in it....in a way, i feel like shes ruining my life. and i hate her for that.



I love Tyler more than anything in this world and would probably die without him....but she just cant see that....I know she wants me to be happy and for me to no longer be alone....so do I. I might be alone right now....but I am happier than ever and shes starting with her crap again and i hate it.



Sometimes I wish I had another family, because none of them understand me. They dont really try to and I think its because they dont really want to see what makes up my world. They dont want to see it because I think it scares them to have a duaghter that dwells in so much darkness. And knowing this, knowing that they really dont care to know who I truly am on the inside, it hurts. It hurts so much more than the pain I've felt from love.....



I wish I could just be with him right now....for the rest of our lives. To have him hold me close and let my cry every last tear....because I dont want to cry anymore....and I know, that hes the only one that can dry my tears and make things better. I love you baby!

I posted my very first forum thread a few hours ago and now its gone....grrrr.....Im really upset about that. It was a good topic.....or at least i thought so. It had to do with incubus/succcubus exeriences.....oh well....fuck them for deleting it.



on another note.....my surgery, for anyone who knows what im going through....is set for april 28th. i should be out that same day....and in recovery for a week or so.....which most likely means hours and hours of me being on VR....yay! Maybe now I can get serious about getting my status higher....Well.....thats all for now.